letterstomyshelf-blog

[letterstomyshelf-blog]

I've been wondering how I see myself in the future, and it scares me, because I see no future for me. So everything seems pointless, I am destined to live a mediocre life, where I feel jealous of everyone who has a better life. There is nothing, no goals, no dreams, no focus, no will, no thoughts, nothing. Should I give up, or should have I done this earlier?

[letterstomyshelf-blog]

Cherry

I’m having a hard time again, that time when my insecurities get worse. I feel like garbage. There’s so much I wanna do with my life but I don’t have the will or the courage to do it. My anxiety is really bad, I can barely breathe. I feel weak, I feel sad, I feel stupid. I thing anyone is better than me for some reason, I keep comparing myself with other girls. People tell me I’m beautiful and smart and talented, but I don’t feel it. I don’t feel beautiful, smart or talented. I am a huge disappointment for everyone around me.

I just want to cry and be alone, I want to give up on my dreams. I feel very self destructive right now. I envy people that have done a lot of things in their life. They have so much to tell and I can’t even talk to people. It’s not even my parent’s fault, I am sure that I wouldn’t do what they do even if my parents let me. Because I’m afraid, I feel uncomfortable around people, I don’t like when they look at me or talk to me, because I feel weird. I am sad because I’m like this, I don’t like who I am and I can’t change. I am ashamed of myself, I am boring, no one should like me. I can’t live with my anxiety.

[letterstomyshelf-blog]

Nightmare

Dizem que os nossos sonhos são baseados no que está armazenado em nosso subconsciente. E os pesadelos? Talvez sejam a parte escura e sombria de nossa mente, nossos medos e fracassos. Eu sou apenas uma estranha, ninguém importante ou que faça a diferença por aqui, mas eu sonho muito. E essa é minha história. Sempre tive muitos pesadelos e sonhos ruins, mas uma hora você se acostuma e consegue diferenciar os sonhos da realidade. E assim fui perdendo meu medo de ter pesadelos. Talvez todos os filmes de terror que eu assisti da minha infância até hoje possam influenciar nos pesadelos. Mas eles não são reais, os monstros daqueles filmes. E nem os de meus sonhos, eu espero. Eu gosto de dormir sozinha, com o barulho da televisão apenas e as portas e janelas fechadas. Não gosto dos barulhos que vem de fora a noite. Naquela noite fui dormir lá para as 23:00h, já estava com muito sono e por isso dormi rapidamente. Então meu sonho começou, não tinha nada de anormal, estava bem comum e por isso não percebi que estava sonhando. O primeiro cenário foi na sala de minha casa –onde durmo- e eu não conseguia sair de lá, havia pessoas ao meu redor, mas ao passar do tempo elas foram sumindo uma de cada vez. O cenário foi ficando mais escuro e bagunçado, e foi aí que percebi que tinha algo de errado naquilo. Quando eu já estava completamente sozinha, senti uma presença vindo da janela. Resolvi abrir as cortinas, e foi aí que cometi um erro. Havia uma criatura com o rosto deformado e com uma pele rosa claro, e ela não parecia nada amigável. Ela estava me olhando o tempo todo, e quando ela percebeu que eu a vi, começou a gritar. Mas não como uma pessoa normal, os gritos pareciam um barulho gutural, grave e depois agudo. Comecei a gritar também, mas o esforço não valeu a pena já que meus gritos não saiam de minha garganta, parecia que eu ia me sufocar. Eu estava sentindo um medo horrível e eu não sei o porquê. O fato de ele não ser humano não me dava medo, o que me dava medo é que ele me lembrava algo, talvez uma memória ruim de algo ou alguém. Eu comecei a chorar pois não sabia o que fazer. Vi a luz do quarto do meu irmão acesa e comecei a pedir ajuda. Ninguém veio. Eu desisti de gritar e só comecei a pedir para ele ir embora. Eu senti tanta raiva e medo dele ao mesmo tempo que de repente acordei. Quando percebi que foi um sonho senti um alivio enorme. Eu sabia que se voltasse a dormir de imediato eu sonharia com ele novamente, então resolvi levantar. Não consegui, meus braços e minhas pernas estavam muito fracos e moles. Quase cai na primeira tentativa de levantar, mas depois consegui. A primeira coisa que fiz foi fechar as cortinas daquela janela. Eu apenas ficava fitando-a, era 1h30 da manhã, estava realmente escuro e sombrio. Parecia tão real. Eu sentia que algo estava ali me observando, eu sentia medo e ansiedade apenas em olhar para a janela onde eu o vi pela primeira vez, e ficava imaginando seu rosto deformado me encarando. Eu sei que foi um sonho, mas...e se foi real?

[letterstomyshelf-blog]

The Darkness

Sometimes when you feel lonely at your house, when you are in your room at 2am, wondering if someone is watching you. Even though you have to work in the next day, your mind can't focus enough to sleep, you are really awake and you don't even know why. Maybe something doesn't want you to sleep. Maybe something is forcing you to be awake, so you can think about the horrors of being alone at night. This thing is making you feel the cold breeze of your window. And the feeling of being watched becomes more real, although you know that you lock all the doors. But then you hear a noise, steps, coming from the kitchen. And they start to get closer, and closer, until it stops. And you see your door opening real slowly with a terrible noise of an old door, but there is nothing there. Just darkness. You start asking yourself if it was someone there in the dark. And the asnwer is yes, there is always someone there.You can't see them, they hide in the shadows waiting for you. While you are asleep they invade your dreams and turn them into a realistic nightmare, and when you are awake they show you that nightmares can be real. They want you to be afraid, to be insane, to question reality. No one is alone, everytime you look into the darkness, they will look back. But you won't know, until you are already lost to fear and insanity. You don't need to feel alone. If it didn't happened yet, don't worry, they are observing you, and soon you'll be next.

[letterstomyshelf-blog]

Passion

Since I was younger I always liked to know people and I always believed in love. I liked to date and talk not because I wanted to kiss them or just be with them, but because I love to hear stories and share feelings and thoughts. Every human sees life in a different way, and every human experience life in a different way. Sadly, not everyone thinks like that, and this can change a person's view about relationships. People can be extremelly beautiful, and say a lot of nice words and ideas. Everyone should talk more about what they think and about their feelings because this is so amazing. Sharing is the most honest type of conversation. Caring is the most genuine act a human can demonstrate, because if you don't care about what someone is talking about you probably shouldn't be talking to this person. You can't really fall in love or be friends with someone if you don't talk about this particulars things that goes on in your head. There is nothing in the world I love more than talking and writting and singing. If there is a God, then he create us for this things. Humans are not made for small talks or cheap writting, humans are made for talking about feelings with passion, writting with passion, making art, loving, creating, listening, learning, observing. If someone don't agree with what I'm saying, then this person can't feel passion at all.

[letterstomyshelf-blog]

Worried

I have been thinking about how to put my thoughts into words. Finally, I decided to try, even though I don't know where this is going to. Lately I have not found any kind of motivation inside this house to do what I need and what I want to do. I am so afraid of rejection and failure that I don't even try to do things anymore. It's like what happened to my guitar, I was so happy about it and then I lost all of my motivation. And I am so ashamed of this that I don't even want to look at my guitar anymore, I don't want to remember how much of a failure I was. And I don't have the will to try again and win this, when I think about it all I wanna do is cry, it's so disappointing. I disappoint myself everytime. I decided I wanted to practice my makeup so I can use it as a job in the future or something like that, and on the past two weeks I have been telling myself that I will practice, but I always give up of this idea. I used to love doing makeup but now I feel so weird about it, I can't stop thinking about what people will think, like if they will laught at me because I am stupid. And there is also the fear of failing. THAT'S IT! THE FEAR OF FAILING AT SOMETHING I LIKE, this is what scares me the most. I know it's okay to fail, everyone does it. But all my life I have failed and everyone at school made me feel really bad for this, it's a trauma, the worst of my traumas. I was always a bad student, I never really felt smart around my friends, and this only made me give up at trying to be better. Just thinking about trying to be better makes me cry, because I know I will fail a lot until I make it right, but I don't have the strenght to fail so much anymore, I really don't. When I make things important to me, I get bad because of this fear. I love singing so much but putting so much effort on it only makes me sad. I love writing but when I tell myself I NEED TO WRITE, I get sad and give up. It's the same with everything else. I only didn't give up at english because this is something I am really good at even without putting some effort. But I am really scared of making this a job and realizing I will fail a lot. Thinking about the future makes me scared, I don't think I can go to college, honestly. But I don't want to live a shitty life with a shitty job, I want to be proud of my life and job. I don't know if I will find something to do in the future, I don't feel like I am good at things, there are so many people out there that are better than me, how will I compete with that? It's getting closer everyday and it makes me so anxious and sad, I am so afraid of living a life I don't want to. Everything else is just great, I have goals with my girlfriend, I plan our lifes everyday. But what if I fuck everything up? What if everything goes bad because of me? I want us to have a great and happy life, we are in love and we are friends, but what if my career get in the way of our happiness?What if my trauma get in the way of our happiness? I couldn't forgive myself if this happened.

[letterstomyshelf-blog]

Lost

It worries me that I have no skills to deal with people or the world itself. I am worried that I won’t live my life the way I should. I wish I was smarter and I wish I was ambitious. But honestly these days I can’t move, getting out of my bed is a struggle. Talking to people without looking sad is a struggle. And I can’t live my life like this forever, but I don’t know how to not be like this, and nothing seems to help. Even things I used to love to do i can’t do anymore. Everything seems pointless and doesn’t make any sense, everything I do seems silly. It’s like nothing is real, nothing is really worth it. I do things I should feel happy about but I just don’t feel nothing. I am always anxious trying to find some meaning in my life again, but I feel lost. Everything is lost.

[letterstomyshelf-blog]

Sorry I wish i could be better. I wish i could study more and pay more attention. I wish i could be a better friend or a better girlfriend. I wish i could be cooler around people and my friends. I wish i were not so worried about my health. I wish my mood wasn’t so unstable. I wish a lot of things, some of them I can change. But most of them I can’t barely handle. It’s exhausted to live in a body that you don’t like, to live in a head that you don’t like. It’s hard to live with all of your regrets, and it’s even harder to know that you did those things because of some problems you had when you were younger. It’s hard to not talk about your thoughts, even though it seems that you don’t want to. Sometimes you just need a trigger. You know that if you start talking, you won’t stop, so you can’t talk about this with anyone. You need to know that someone really cares, but it’s hard to notice who cares for real. I honestly don’t think that I have a future. I don’t even know why, but everything seems pointless right now. So why bother? I just see chaos around me. I am the problem, not the others. I always was the problem. Sorry for being a shitty friend, sorry for not going out with you, sorry for not talking too much, sorry for not saying the right thing, sorry for not studying enough, sorry for not taking things seriously, sorry for making bad decisions, sorry for lying. I know I am not all bad, but it has been really hard to live with my thoughts and personality lately.