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Spoke too soon
Things with HL went to shit literally the day after she stayed with me. She wasn’t down for poly and I’m not ready for monogamy... really disappointed but whatever.
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Check in
Haven’t checked in, in a minute. Figured I’d update myself.
HL and i are doing good. I think I’m getting way more attached than i wanted to or even anticipated. At first i didn’t want a relationship and i made it really clear to her and now that I’ve gotten to know her more, i am thinking about wanting one with her. (Not right now bc i still wanna get to know her better and i need time to not be too afraid.) she’s really great. She’s got a lot of qualities i look for in someone.
Smart
Patient
Funny
Adventurous
Calm vibes
Outgoing
She gets my humor and listens to my words. Even though she hasn’t been vulnerable with me the way i have with her, she has a little and I’m really thankful for that, but I’m afraid I’m opening up too much to her. I told her all of this last night (when she stayed the night with me for the first time 😏 and she never stays with people😏😏) and she opened up about her fears which are totally valid and rational. Just something i wanted to mention. I’m so comfortable around her though. No wonder she’s a therapist. She’s so easy to talk to.
I’m currently living with Zack and Caroline which has been good. I feel like I’m trying really hard not to be in their way and so far i feel like I’m doing a decent job. Caroline and i hang out a lot and Zack and i have started to. We worked on the VW van today which was fun. Things are good here.
Work has been really hard lately. I’m lacking to motivation and passion i once had... idk if it’s bc i was so used to not working or if it’s because I’m just not meant to do this anymore... either way i need to figure it out and do something about it because it’s getting hard to even get out of bed for it which used to be something that motivated me to get up.
I also need to eat better with my money. I’m struggling with that and i need to be able to get my own place in like a month. So we’ll see.
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2.17.18
Today is 2.18.17. Yesterday was easily 1 of my 2 favorite day so far this year. My first day was the date HL took me on. We went to dinner at Lil Eats and then played mancala at Pieces. It was so much fun. I’d never been taken out before so it was a weird but cool experience.
Yesterday i got Kalvin! I’ve wanted a gecko since i was 7... and yesterday it fucking happened and I’m so obssesed with him. He’s so chill and lovable. I carry him around in my shirt pocket 😂 i love him!
I also saw Black Panther and let me just tell you, it has become one of my favorite movies. Definitely in my top 5. It so liberating for people of color, refugees, and women. It proves loalty is so important. It teaches that you can’t just be handed things in life, you have to work hard and sometimes fight for it. Idk man... it was just so fucking good.
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Non-binary project
I was asked to be apart of a non-binary project. I was asked three interview questions. I’m really excited to be apart of this project. I feel like it’s a breakthrough in finding myself.
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HL
I started dating this girl, well this women. She’s 29, a therapist and barista, she’s straight forward. I don’t have to guess what she’s thinking and i hardly have to ask either. I won’t lie, it’s intimidating dating someone 6 years older than i. Sometimes i feel like I’m not mature enough for her, but she doesn’t seem to think so which is cool and i guess i don’t really need to worry about it. I do feel like i have to be really careful with what i say because i know i don’t always think before i speak and when that happens i seem like an asshole. But even when i do she just calls me out and i apologize and try to be more mindful of my words. Even tho i have these little doubts and insecurities she’s is so patient with me.
Also, when it comes to sex she is so sweet. I’ve told her more about my sex life than anyone I’ve ever dated. Which is scary, but once again, she doesn’t judge me and is SO patient. She told me she wants to savor me which i thought was so great. It made me feel like she actually likes me and wants to get to know me first.
I know I’ve been struggling with monagomy lately, but if things keep going the way they are i just might be willing to give it another shot. I think i could see myself being monogamous with her.
I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.
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It’s been a while.
Tonight Caleb, Maryah, and Emma came up to work (Handlebar) and hung out with me for about 45 minutes. It was really cool because i was so bored.
After i got off i met them over at Rehab. We all hung out for a while and then i walked maryah to her car and we sat and smoked and she vented. And tonight for the first time i a long while i felt like i had friends. I don’t know if it’s because i was out with them and not just stuck in the house, or if it’s because i just had a really good time and felt good to be back with Caleb and Maryah... either way today ended on a good note.
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Remember,
every year two million people die of dehydration.
So it doesn’t matter
if the glass is half full or half empty.
There’s water in the cup.
Drink it and stop complaining.
Rudy Francisco, “Helium”
(via buttonpoetry)
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Dear Whoever said money can’t buy you happiness...
Have you ever been broke? Gone without food, electricity, gas money, car payment money, etc.? Because although I’m sure money can’t buy you eternal happiness, it sure can take away a lot of stress which would make me pretty fuckin happy right about now.
Lately my biggest strsessor has been money. Honestly, moving to Colorado was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I walked away from my own place, an enjoyable job, and a stable income. Ever since I’ve been back i haven’t been able to keep a job. It’s been one after another and I’m so tired of the inconsistency. I know it’s nobody’s fault but my own, but Jesus fuckin Christ it’s so hard.
Sometimes i have no motivation to do anything. I know there are so many things i need to get done. Like fix my car, find a place to live, get a job, stop smoking so much weed so i can keep a good job, and more... if i could just get my hands on like $2,000 I’d be set. I could pay off all my debt and fix my car. I’m so stressed...
sometimes when i think you much about money all i can think of is killing myself. I get so overwhelmed that i think the only way to solve my stress is to end everything bc idk if I’ll ever not be drowning. I know it probably sounds ridiculous but I’m afraid I’m gonna be in so much debt forever. It feels like I’m drowning in it and for some reason debt scares the shit out of me. Idk why. I mean i guess it should.
But whoever said money can’t buy you happiness, to an extent i think you’re wrong because if i had money i wouldn’t be stressed about money and if i wasn’t stressed about money I’d be ok right now.
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Jan 7, 2018
Today i went to Brylan’s first birthday party and it was so good. I hadn’t been out to see the kids in a while so it was good to see them and everyone else honestly. I missed them so much. I didn’t realize.
I did get kind of jealous seeing holly there. Kinda felt like maybe I’d been replaced but i know that’s not the case. I haven’t been out there and it’s nobody’s fault but my own. I’ll get back there tho. I will.
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A Thank You Letter To My Body
Dear Brain, thank you for making sense of what my heart cannot.
Dear Heart, thank you for being strong enough to see the good in people.
Dear Eyes, thank you for catching the little things my hands cannot.
Dear Hands, thank you for learning to be more gentle than my heavy feet.
Dear Feet, thank you for always moving forward.
Dear Self, thank you for learning to cut yourself some slack once in a while; don’t give up just yet.
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jan 5, 2018
today i felt good. i didnt really do much. Audrey stayed the night and left around 9, i slept in until 1300..... idk whats been going on lately but im sleeping so much. i go through these phases where i cant sleep to save my life and then i cant do anything but sleep other times. theres never an in between i feel like.
but the important part is, today was a good day. im thankful..
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the day i met @andrewgibby was one of my favorite days. thank you for reminding me im not weak even when my heart feels heavy.
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