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i don't wanna break up

but i don't wanna be in pain anymore either

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grabe no matter how sad i feel, all it takes now is a flashback to last Wednesday night. seeing myself crack like that– laughing while crying cuz of how stupid it was to still be listening to the bullcrap he had for reasons. how i couldn't stop crying and barely had air to breathe. even begged God to help me move on so i can stop hurting like this every 2 weeks. to the point i promised to believe again if he takes away my love for rikko already.

just to see myself like that is becoming enough to really push through with the idea of breaking up. i don't want it. that feeling. to cry and laugh at the same time because you're so hopeless in a stupid situation. hopeless in a situation you can actually get out of but can't and won't because of love. it's voluntary suffering. it hurts too much to feel alone in a relationship. to have this sadness, this void, this fear of abandonment, only to give myself to someone who'd make me feel that way each time i feel anything negative. imagine being with someone you can't get upset, sad, anxious or mad around. what the fuck do you call that? what am i still doing here thinking about it?

if i do decide to come back, just know it's not because i love him. i'm just stupid and afraid of loneliness at this point and just deciding out of fear of suffering for months. but definitely, idk if i still love him. how do you even love someone who stares at you the way he does when he's mad? how do you love someone who talks to you like that during times you don't feel so well.

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the right person will know what to do.

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JESUS RLLY BE USING FB TO REACH ME RN LIKE GURL WHEN U FINNA HEAR ME OUT????? DA FUK

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the right person will know and at times he doesn't, you only have to tell him once or twice. beyond that just says something about him. and about me. if i could accept that part of him. and i have accepted a lot about Rikko. but being emotionally absent is a non-nego. had i known, i would have never tried with him. i would have said bye at BAD.

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"What do u want"

as if we never had the same conversation over and over again about what makes me feel loved and what makes me feel sad. i'm done telling you. i'm so done with you, you empty hollow shell of a person.

What do I want????? what do YOU want? cuz you're just out here breaking my heart every 2 weeks and in those 2 weeks I'm always too afraid to be emotional. I deserve someone I can be human with and that's not you anymore. I thought it was but clearly you are never coming back. If you want to be with me, then do the things I want from someone. Be the person I want and deserve because it's what I've been doing and if you can't anymore then leave. Because as much as I still see you as someone I want my face buried in as I sleep, I'd rather sleep alone for months or years if it means I'd find someone better.

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facebook really out here pissin me off 😃 bitch i know ok i know BUT I DON'T WANT TO. but at this point sobrang undeniable na. sucks though. but fucken facts. so what if we're click in other things but we can't suffer? ***i can't suffer. he likes to rebuttal that only i can suffer when really, between us almost every suffering is about him even if it isn't. i'm there when he suffers, but when i suffer, in his own way he drives the situation to it being his suffering. he makes my suffering his because i suffer. he suffers when i suffer, and in return i have to console him while i don't get anything. and telling him this problem will piss him off. to tell him this will shift his face into this expression i fucking hate. DESPISE EVEN. this face made of immaturity, stubbornness, emotional stupidity, hollowness and just... fucking fucked up mess of a person. when i get anxious, he tells me has a lot on his mind already. it could be his fucking job (not the company or people, just him having a fucking job), his family, being in a condo, or for what fucking reason! SO MANY REASONS. like FUCK? YOU CHOSE THIS LIFE! YOU DID. NOT ME. NOT YOUR OFFICE, NOT YOUR FUCKING FAMILY, YOU DID. you fucking chose this company, you chose this industry, you chose to follow Toti around, you chose to get high-paying positions which require a lot of work, you chose that. Same way you chose to live alone in a condo because you chose to never fix your relationship with anyone in your family. You chose to reject them over and over. You chose to never ask your brother how he is, or ask him why he no longer wants a job. You chose to ignore your mother's cancer, the way you chose to not reach out to the only sibling who's trying to keep you all together. YOU CHOSE THAT. YOU CHOSE TO KEEP BREAKING YOURSELF AND YOU CHOSE TO HAVE ME. YOU CHOSE TO HAVE A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND WITH FUCKING ANXIETY AND ISSUES. YOU CHOSE TO BOTHER ME. YOU CHOSE TO START A LIFE WITH ME. AND YOU ALSO CHOSE TO DIE WITH YOUR 7 YEAR OLD SELF WHICH RUINED OUR FUCKING RELATIONSHIP. YOU CHOSE THAT OVER AND OVER FOR MONTHS AND NOW WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING. YOU CHOSE TO RUIN THE LAST GOOD RELATIONSHIP YOU HAVE LEFT BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T ACT YOUR FUCKING AGE. Rational? Thinking over emotions? NAH WE WERE WRONG. What you are is cold and hollow. You think than feel not because of reason but because you don't want to feel. You don't wanna go through the truth. You process things in the coldest ways possible. You reason out not with logic but to avoid having to feel the pain of the situation. You never used logic. It was just pure selfishness. How you were logical with me wasn't you being a thinker, it was you trying to get me. The same way how you """logically""" handle our problems, NOT WITH LOGIC BUT TO FULFILL YOUR SELFISHNESS and that is through hurtful words and avoidance. You're not a rational person, because if you were you wouldn't talk so much shit out of spite and out of misuse of emotions. The arguments and whole other shit you say are just wordplays for "I'm hurt. I don't like what happened and I can't admit it". I am sooo sick of your "I can't handle you right now cuz *reasons reasons reasons*" like THEN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE FOR?!? Why are you my fucking partner?!?!? If we're here only for the good days then let's be fucking friends BUT EVEN FRIENDS NEED EACH OTHER ON BAD DAYS SO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TO ANYONE?!?!? If you can't be on anyone's bad days, what the fuck are you doing in their lives?!? for Matt's free groceries? PHP 500 gifts?!? for his stupid gameplays for you to laugh at?!? and what about me? so you can say you go out on dates? that you have a girl? so you can spend Christmas and new year away from home? someone to distract you from your loneliness? Fucked up is what you are. I asked Jesus for someone stronger than me, not someone way less human than I was.

SO SICK OF EVERYTHING BEING ABOUT YOU. YOU ARE THE REASON WHY I STOPPED WANTING PSYCHOLOGY BECAUSE I THINK AT THIS POINT I ALREADY HAVE ENOUGH BROKEN PEOPLE IN MY PERSONAL LIFE, THE FUCK AM I DOING TO EVEN MAKE A CAREER OUT OF IT? Ano yun? 24/7 depression? I go home from my depressing clients to a husband and my friends with shitload bags too? Plus I can't imagine having you anymore if I did have that career. What if a client I loved decided to end herself? Would you be there with me? You'd say yes lol BUT I SOOO DOUBT AT THIS POINT. You can't even help me with simple anxiety episodes. What more the big problems? In short you're just emotionally unavailable. As a friend, and more so as lover. Do you even have the slightest idea how much I love you? I doubt because the things I could and would do, you think are superficial. But no, they happen to a lot of people. REAL PEOPLE WITH REAL FEELINGS. PEOPLE WHO LOVE OTHER PEOPLE AND NOT JUST FOR DISPLAY. The social media, the surprises, the huddles until 5am because one of them is sad, the sacrifices, the choosing between people, the petty fights they have to sit through, and alllll the things you think are shitload of crap. These things are called love. They are shit you do to keep someone, something you don't understand and almost 2 years of having each other to this day, still don't understand.

Whatever your parents did and whoever they were, you don't deserve to live this life through the eyes of Rikko when he was 8 years old. Most importantly, no one deserves to meet a 24 year old you and experience that same child. I'm so tired. I love you, for who you are, and for the things you were before. When I looked at you at SM Aura, I knew that as long as this person right here stayed this way, he can be other things. As long as you stay loving and thoughtful, you can be as ambitious or competitive, and not in a good way. As long as you will keep trying to ground me and silence my anxieties, you can get mad and upset in all the ways you like (physical abuse excluded). As long as you keep wanting to have a relationship with my friends and family, you can change and change as much as you like because I will choose you over and over again. I will keep accepting and loving you always in all ways.

But to my luck, that person died. And all you did from then on is change and not in a good way.

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basically this tumblr is just gonna be my shitpost page so i don't dump it onto people and on my rant acc sa twitter cuz people still get to read it plus i have people there na i kinda don't want to be involved also so here nalang lol

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sleeping with Friends again! helps with my anxiety talaga. probably because the plot is always simple and almost zero conflict. if meron man, mema conflict so doesn't count. plus this my 2nd round and though i haven't memorized them, doesn't feel unsafe. anyway dami ko sinabi but to cut it short, time to relearn how to sleep on my own. nagagawa ko naman before? parang tanga it's like idk how now.

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for too many times in my life had i been wrong about people. so much that anyone who tries to have anything with me makes me anxious. i even get anxious about my upcoming job at Virus & Partners because new people = chances of any of them hurting me. i have been wrong about people so much that i think it's because i idealize them so much. i mean an example could be us hanging out everyday, do a lot of things together, stay out late together, ditch others for each other, chat each other right after being together the entire day, say i love you and get home safe — and i'd think we're best friends!!! only for her to say we never were. and that she never wanted to be close with someone like me. so it must be me, right? maybe i just fell in love with the thought that she's a great best friend. at the same time i think, no. she was a best friend, she did exist. that version of her existed. or at least did when it was convenient or beneficial to her, but when the time came where it wasn't, she threw me under the bus, become totally different from who i loved. who i proudly said was my best friend. all those months that built up my comfort, trust, attachment — ended up being told as a lie. and if it came from the person herself that they were lies, who am i to say she's just saying that for whatever reason? she said it herself. we weren't best friends even if she said it before. so what was the truth? was i just really stupid and idealistic? or are people just so awful now? it's like i'm this fish in a pond who's so easy to catch with just the right amount of treat. like i'd swim away when you approach but try a bit more and i'd fall for it. attachment issues suck, more so my abandonment issues.

but this post isn't about jodie. this is about my first boyfriend, rikko.

first because rj doesn't count, the fuck? that shit was a joke lol i just got a dose of reality at an early age. no love there at all. who even falls in love at 13? that shit illegal. so yes, rikko is my first boyfriend ♥️ and even though i've dated guys before, he's the only one i ever loved so far. i love him so much. in fact, before i was already starting to think that maybe i'm not capable of love? i mean, i'm aware i'm a mean person. but i didn't think of myself as someone incapable of falling in love. but among the guys i met and dated, ALL OF THEM WERE JUST TO FEED MY EGO. ego ego ego. tell me i'm pretty. keep asking me to go out and let me reject you over and over again. show me how much you wanna take me out on a date again. over and over and all of them were unintended! when i do talk to someone, a part of me tries! maybe this could work? but it kept ending the same way. ego food. which led me to think fuckkk i'm incapable of loving too? what am i here for then tfuck? — until i met rikko! and everything he did and said, i wanted more of it. the more he laughed, the more he cried, i wanted to keep seeing them, even if he laughs/cries for the same reasons over and over. i wanted the things he wanted. i wanted to like the shit he liked, and i did! i hated touch but i love being held by him. he was expressive too! like the other boys! but for some reason, it wasn't ego food. they became credit scores for me. each time he gets a point, it adds up to my reasons why this is it! why this is worth a try! and i struggled and fought hard. the commitment and daddy issues, the anxiety, the fear of abandonment, blah blah and he did and said the right things at the right time he went at the right places, gave the right gifts, promised the right things — all for him to turn out to be just like everybody else. he died months into my life. he couldn't keep up with the character he played, and idk why people keep playing a character on me. jodie played the supportive bff but really wanted to be some sort of main character which i think is rather difficult hence the hurtful betrayal. and then there's rikko, who played the boy i could ever want, but never was that person. he never was that person to his parents and friends, and i thought he would suddenly change for me? that's some boss level pick me girl shit. i love rikko, even now as i type this. i met him january 2020, it's july 29, 2021 today, and i love him so much. but i'm not sure if i should be with him anymore. on principle, morals, self-care, common sense, logic, religion. why? because he died. he died last january 2021. he's no longer the same rikko i fell for. his hands aren't the ones i fought myself to hold. he's not the same person who went all the way from paranaque to cainta for me at 8pm because my dad told me he almost had another baby with someone ON MY BIRTHDAY. he's not the same person i looked at up at Sm Aura thinking he could be the one. and that i belong here, with him. that i love being with him, and he could be other things, but i want to be with him. he didn't know it, but looking at him as he talked about his friends, those things ran in my head. it was the same rikko who got teary eyed when he misunderstood me there at the Sm Aura rooftop, thinking i meant that i was just playing him. the rikko who gave me a necklace for no reason, wore it on me and even had it in a totally unsuspecting case (tea bag) which made the surprise funnier and cuter, is... yep... no longer here. the rikko who kept reminding me i'm redeemable, that i'm not my anxieties, i'm not my bad brain, i'm not my small voice, that rikko is long gone. and still i stayed waiting, making excuses, reasoning out with myself, trusting that he'd come back and funny enough, 7 months in and... he's still gone.

the saddest part is he doesn't want to be like that. or so i think. he tries. i see him trying. i see the efforts. he tries to ask me about my day, about my worries, why i'm anxious, why i'm sad or irritated. he asks me about work, applications and when i'm out with friends or family. he tries to make time for me even now that he prefers valorant over ml with me, i know he tries to play ml with me. he tries to take some time off work to talk to me. he tries to post on social media now, shares my ig stories, joins my tiktoks and get along with my jokes. he tries. i know he does. but that's the thing. he has to try. and maybe those things, he just isn't. and the difference between trying and develop is with development, there is direction. there is progress. with rikko... it's unstable. sometimes he can do this, but the next times not so sure. and as someone anxious with rejection and abandonment issues, inconsistencies are okay, but a lot of them? and major ones? NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OF IT. so many things rikko doesn't know and still he has it in him to say or assume a lot of things about me. one of them is when he said i'm ALWAYS annoyed at him. does he know how many times i get annoyed at things he do? but i don't address all of them not because i don't want to but because i acknowledge that they're not worth the fight or i'm just being hotheaded or immature or maybe inconsiderate. i think first before i act on him because if i learned anything about rikko, emotions have to make sense! which is wrong in the first place but that's who i'm with! but at the times i can't help being tampo, annoyed, or upset, he finds it in him to tell me i'm a l w a y s annoyed? WHEN?!?! i even asked him when and i know he realized it but still he fell stubborn to his pride. does he also know that his gifts don't make me kilig anymore? they just relieve me at this point which is sad!!! fucking sad!!! why? for example, for my virtual college graduation i was getting anxious few days before because i'm worried he won't give me anything or do something for me which will surely trigger my ~neglected issues~ and if i do get triggered, instead of addressing and being there for me, instead of making it up to me, he'd get mad! he'd make me feel that i'm asking for so much, for the impossible, all while i see it happen to people. i see other dudes give their girlfriends things without occasion. i see them try to like the things their girlfriends like, even embarrassing ones that she posts on social media. i see men constantly expressing their love for their gfs, for the person they asked to commit to them. all while i have one who would call me demanding, needy and exhausting. imagine? lol i get anxious he won't fulfill me not because i'd get sad but because he'll get mad when i get upset. he'd make me feel awful and remind me of the reason why we should end. and i hate that. i'm fighting so hard to take it off my mind, i hate thinking that we're incompatible, unhappy and that we're just trying to revive this love we have for each other. that love really isn't enough, even for us. so when he got me this bouquet for graduation, i was 95% relieved and 5% kilig because awwwww but more importantly, I WON'T BE TAMPO WHICH MEANS I WON'T HAVE TO HIDE AND HE WON'T HAVE TO GET ANNOYED AT ME BEING UPSET! as i type this all the more i feel bad because it's so clear i shouldn't be with him anymore. it hurts each time it crosses my mind. i really see rikko as the love of my life. and idk why. because he shouldn't be. the love of your life should be someone who makes you laugh, makes you strong but can also let you cry. the love of your life is the one who holds you on your way out of dark times. the love of your life is the one who corrects you in ways that won't make you feel bad, but in ways that make you feel cared for. that he's telling you so out of concern, not because he thinks you're a difficult sick mental person who needs an on-call therapist and an attending nurse. the love of your life should be the person who makes you cry the least.

but he doesn't deserve it also. maybe he's not ready to be in a relationship just yet. and there was no harm in trying. in fact i'm happy he tried because if he hadn't added me on facebook and hit up on instagram, i would have never known what love was like. i would also have never known how fun and exciting it is to be in love. it's so nice actually! to lie down with someone and just know they'll be there when you wake up and even if you do wake up in the middle of the night, you're safe with them. and no matter what you look like in the morning or how loud you snore or how stretched you are in bed, you are loved by this person next to you. and they chose to sleep with you too. to be as vulnerable as you are. and i loved that with rikko. we sleep together, we wake up in between sleep just to look for each other's cheeks, we shower together, we do weird shower dances, we have secret baby things, and a lot more things that you would think from here on meant forever. because these things, how could you ever try them again with someone else? because from where i am right now I HATE THE THOUGHT OF THOSE WITH ANYONE WHO'S NOT RIKKO. but stay with him for what? for what at this point? i'm not God. i'm just an anxious person with daddy issues who has enough money hunger and dreams plus a mom, aunts and 1 friend who loves rikko so much. i can't change him. and i shouldn't.