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9 months
Seeing him bout a huge life time of confusion. Its been almost a year. Considering I followed him on instagram first week of November back in 2014. Seriously doesn’t feel like a year that I met him. After that long amount of talking I realized I urged a relationship. Which isn’t something I would ever want with him again. How do you cheat on the girl you played me with, with me? The irony. After kissing you, I realized I have been lying to myself. Maybe it wasn’t the relationship part I was stuck on, but rather your touch that i missed. The kiss felt just like the first. The spark that once left was there once again. What was I thinking. Placing myself in a situation where I would lose. You were in a 9 month relationship. While those 9 months we spent seperated I spent them with on and off flings. None of which seemed to mean shit after all I compared there kiss to yours, their hands to yours, their tongue to yours, their arms to yours. None of which ever fulfilled my satisfaction. Seeing you was crazy. Waiting for me on the train. I was in fear, you seemed so in love with your girlfriend I felt like you coming to see me would be too good to be true. But there you were, in the green jacket you took me to time square in. With a black hoodie, and the hairs and smell of your dog lingering, your scent still amazed me. It was one of the things I hadn’t forgotten. When I said hi, it was awkward, we always greeted each other with a very quick kiss, but we walked side by side for the moment. You asked how my trip was and i replied in details, stuttering every few sentences, I still tried to keep my cool. How can you keep cool when your heart is melting in the hands of the one who froze it? The awkwardness went away, slowly because you always knew what to say. Just like the first time you picked me up from my senior portraits back in senior year. Thats what I loved most I could be myself and say shit with no remorse. Except when those couple of times you put me in those awkward positions when I would get jealous, in tears at my most vulnerable you wrapped your arms and hugged me so tight. i thought it was the cutest shit ever, NOW I REALIZE ITS PURE SHIT. Anywho I came to realize it really didn’t mean anything. You were the best at coming up with things that I wanted to hear. You were always on the tip of your feet, choosing words wisely. Maybe I fed you what you wanted to also, I knew when to kiss you,how to kiss you, where to kiss you , and for how long, but you wanted so much more than I was ready to give. Maybe you stood so long in hopes of me giving more up, maybe you stood so long because I was a temporary fill in for someone who left, or a gap that you wanted filled. Thats when I remember having to remind myself this wasn’t a relationship, even if i wanted one and KNEW I COULDN’T have one with you my feelings would get the best of me. But it is what it is. Thats when I think that I was never good enough. You would always say I WAS TOO GOOD FOR YOU. That you “weren’t shit”. So now that your with your girlfriend, is she not shit like you? Or have you changed just for her? Something you couldn’t do for me? Was it my fault I was always too provocative with you. I gave the wrong impression from the start. Maybe that was my fault. But you knew what you were saying. You knew what you were doing. Feeding me feelings you would later on strip me of importance. How long did you talk to her? How many times were you seeing her when seeing me? What did she have or do that I didn’t. Besides body wise, and sex, maybe I was unable to fullfill your perception of beauty. After seeing you again, the feelings of hatred left. Because when I was with you the kisses bought back a feeling of security, understanding. The feelings I have been longing for. I checked her profile, you guys are perfectly in love. I don’t think she needs to know about our encounter. Perhaps it may never happen again? Maybe it was the last time? Thats what I thought back in January. Seeing you at the park, fucked me up. Not emotionally but you somehow stayed in the back of my mind. Seeing you with her didn’t make me jealous or mad, I felt sad. Nothing more nothing less. The feeling obviously came from not being good enough. Those two days I saw you we lost. We lost and I didn’t perform my best. But after that I never expected anything ever again. And that one day this week brings back everything I hated you for. Like I said maybe she doesn’t deserve to know. Maybe what she doesn’t know wont hurt her? But then again when we were messing around as you say, or as I thought of “talking’’, maybe she knew about me and didn’t care? Karma? Oh well. We both know even seeing each other for a quick kiss had been normal. See you never? Or see you soon? Maybe I’ll wait another 9 months, unless somehow I find somebody. Not think of them as a replacement, nor compare their actions to yours. Especially there kisses, which I’ve been doing. Life sux... , in time it wont?
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