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[lifeisashitshow]

Witchy Woman

Maybe I should become a witch? I’ve always been very interested in witchcraft and things like that. I think I need to try something new and maybe filling my life with good vibes and focusing on like my inner peace or something will work. I guess we’ll find out!

[lifeisashitshow]

Lost

I feel like screaming. Not for any reason in particular, just because. I feel like I have a scream pent up inside of me and it makes me feel like I might burst. 

I don’t feel like a human. I feel like I’m in a movie and I’m just along for the ride. I do not have any control whatsoever. It’s like I’m not in charge of my own body or my story. I don’t know why, honestly I feel lost. Like I’m drifting away on a raft in a dark, endless sea. Lost. That’s probably the best way I’ve been able to describe it. I honestly don’t know how to make it better, or if I can make it better, or if I even SHOULD try to make it better. I mean can life be better? Of is this what it is and I’ve just never noticed. Maybe I’ve been stuck in some sort of honeymoon phase with my life for 21 years. 

I feel like all I can do is keep going. Maybe this is the life I’m meant to have. I suppose I’ll just keep going. I’m too exhausted to want to do anything, even though I haven’t done anything to begin with!

How do I move on? How do I become a better person? How do I elevate my life, life a life worth living? If anyone knows where I can find the answers, I’m all ears. 

I barely have dreams anymore, I wonder why that is. I used to have lots of dreams, and I would usually remember them! But lately I can’t remember having a dream. The most I get is the feeling I had as I dreamt, but it’s hard to put into words and even harder to understand. 

I seem to feel better when I’m around others. I’m not sure if it’s because I am good at pretending to be the person I wish I was, or if I just forget about what is bothering me. I think it’s probably the former. I have become very good at being someone else when I’m not alone. I’m bubbly and easy going and fun to be around. I forget that I don’t feel like a human, and that I feel lost. But somehow the emptiness comes back around and it just cycles on and off. 

At the end of the day I just keep floating, just keep being.

[lifeisashitshow]

Attempt #3 of spilling my guts

Okay, so this might be the first post on this blog, but I’ve typed it up twice already and accidently deleted it each time. So I feel like I’ve shared a lot, even though I’ve actually shared nothing. So once again...

I need somewhere to air out my dirty laundry. I’ve started hiding things from myself and everyone around me. It’s not always intentional, but I forget a lot of things (not sure if it is intentional or not), and sometimes I create fake memories and stuff. I need to keep everything straight and start being more honest with myself.

I sometimes feel like I’ve lost control of my life, not necessarily in a crazy “my life has so much going on and I don’t know how to deal with it all” and instead more of a “I have lost my sense of purpose and my life keeps moving on without me”. I’m not sure if that will make sense to anyone who might possibly read this, but it makes sense to me. 

Overall this has helped. I wish I could reread my first two drafts, just to help me experience what I am feeling. I often have a thought or feeling that disappears, and I can almost remember it, almost reach it in my mind, I’m standing on my tip toes, reaching as far as I physically can, and it is just sitting there, centimeters out of reach, mocking me. 

I’m honestly not sure if I will keep up with this, I’ve tried loads of other things and I give up easily. I get bored or forget and never do the thing again. I can’t keep ahold of anything, it all leaves, and it’s solely my fault. If I tried harder I could do all these wonderful things and experience everything in life, but instead I give up or move on without putting up a fight. It brings no satisfaction, but I don’t know how to fix it. Hopefully I’ll figure it out, if not, maybe I’ll move on? I truly do not know what life holds for me.

I do the same thing every day, which is nice because I like structure and routine, but then again I’m not really doing anything. Monday through Friday I get up just before I need to leave for work. I don’t do my makeup or exercise, or even really make myself breakfast. I wake up, pee, shower (every other day), change, brush my hair and teeth, find shoes to wear, grab something to eat for the day (usually a frozen meal, leftovers, or something prepackaged), and walk out the door. I go to work and do all my secretarial “duties”, along with homework, and usually some online shopping. Then after a brutally long day of trying to keep myself awake and attentive I make the 30 minute drive home, usually accompanied by droopy eyes and thoughts of the million things I need to do when I arrive home. Then I let my dog out once I get home, think of all the things I should do, and inevitably sit down on the couch to decompress for a short second, smoke, and take a nap. I don’t get anything done that I needed to, including dinner which is mainly my chore since A works so much, and end up going to bed. Sometimes A cooks, sometimes we get take out, and sometimes I just don’t eat because I can’t get my shit together enough to even cook dinner or do laundry or clean. I feel like a waste of space, time, and energy. And somehow A takes care of me and everything else, even though he works all day. I don’t know. It all seems to boil down to the fact that I don’t know. I just never know what to do. I want to be a better person, to do more with my life. I want to lose weight, read more, keep my house clean, exercise, get a hobby, hang out with my friends, and so many other things. I just don’t know how. I don’t know how to do it all, and it’s heartbreaking for me. But oh well, at the end of the day the world keeps turning and I’m not the main character. My life is inconsequential in the grand scheme of things and I don’t know how to feel about it. Should I be upset? Or maybe I just need to work on becoming the main character? I don’t know... I don’t know...