lifeofwiw

[lifeofwiw]

23:

- learn to like your name

- keep trying to like sparkling water

- take photos and organize them and look at them and remember

most of all, remember

***

twenty three feels strange so far. there are so many changes happening in my life, in my friend’s lives, in my family’s. this is what people were talking about all those years. early twenties! i’m in the thick of it now. i’m so grateful all the time and i’m so burdened. i’m so carefree and i’m so careless. a walking oxymoron: 23.

i didn’t want anything for my birthday. and i didn’t get many things for my birthday because the people closest to me are also going through so many changes. is this the feeling of growing out of birthdays? there’s an ache there. a deep sadness from the lack of excitement, the lack of celebrating other people for a day or two or three. i’m. so. grateful. but everyone is going through something. celebrating a birthday holds a wrongness when i’m so aware. wanting for attention when it feels wrong and everyone is going through something and i’m so aware.

maybe i’m just an only child finally growing up.

maybe i should just be grateful.

maybe it’s just my birthday.

[lifeofwiw]

sometimes i get confused between “self-care” and “isolation.”

there’s nothing wrong with a little bit of alone time, with enjoying one’s own company, with doing things you like to do

is it the modern echoey chamber of constant communication that makes me feel guilt about enjoying being alone? as if that means i will shut out my friends forever if im not making a constant effort to communicate.

seemingly a fine line

i don’t want to fall into self-imposed loneliness because it’s easier to walk out the door and do what i want to do rather than send a text to see if anyone wants to be company.

deciding to trust my gauge of this line. sometimes things are too loud to reach out, sometimes things are too quiet and you must. life is about balance.

[lifeofwiw]

"asparagus again for dinner tonight. i hate asparagus. does this mean i'll never grow up?"

it's finally winter and i've missed the snow. seven inches and i missed it.

snow is like hope to me. hope in pandora's jar. the fluttering, fleeting thing that doesn't want to be caught or had but only to exist and be free. but we must capture it. i want to hold it i want to be surrounded by it. i want to look around and see bright white and feel the burn in my lungs that's how i hope. i want.

but i always miss it. or, rather, it always misses me. in a way that feels personal; in a way that feels intentional. hope breaths on my heels but never grabs on to spot me in the stunt. no. i just have to build up strength enough to stand up on my own.

[lifeofwiw]

happy new year, happy old routines

welcome new year!

it was dreaded because of deadlines but for some reason i always welcome the new year with open arms. i love it.

one thing that i need to return to is routine. the holidays throw everything to the wayside. mornings are struggles because of the two weeks i spend sleeping until 12. coffee was a must. sleep was scarce. was this the physical exhaustion of being around people? or mental? not sure.

but for now i have my peanuts mug and my new pour over set up and hopefully a growing will to get up. for my new job! for my new year! for all new.

[lifeofwiw]

sore knees

[lifeofwiw]

crisis of wanting

i know i'm not special, but isn't there something about an internal crisis that makes someone feel so singular?

i've been known to be stubborn to a fault (something that makes my mom roll her eyes and say "such a taurus"). i've also been known to be overly pliable when it comes to others opinions. a walking oxymoron that can stick to a bad decision like glue OR– just as plausibly– deny my true wants based on nothing but a flip of a coin.

luck, strangely, plays a very large part in my life in that i let it play a huge part in my life. i'd prefer it that way. even the best thinkers can only be logical for a maximum 18 hours a day; the other 6 are subject to any sort of force. luck, religion, love have all been the downfall of one figurehead or another no matter how logical they may be most of the time. due to this phenomenon, i choose luck as the vice to my logical thinking. it's, somehow, less unpredictable than the other aforementioned dangers to our sane minds. all it truly does is take the power away from you the slightest bit. juuuust enough so that i can throw my hands up, look to the universe and say "if that's what you want" no matter the outcome and usually feel good about it.

the purpose of this post is to put words to the abstract crisis surrounding the concrete crisis happening within my 'sane' mind. one that– as i mentioned before– seems so singular. i need to remind myself that this is nothing but the fourth and scariest illogical force preying on my mind: one's early 20's. a true straying away from logic, from sanity, from a sense of settlement. everything is uprooted, nothing makes sense, and everyone feels this way! (i think)

we'll get through it with a little luck

[lifeofwiw]

Failed recipe:

rice balls!

cooked rice

gochujang

tuna

mayo

sesame oil/seeds

ball them

roll them in gim!

this is here to serve as a reminder against the ever-present threat of a god omplex forming. remember that your rice balls became deformed and unappealing (but were still delicious deconstructed)!

[lifeofwiw]

don't seem to get enough of drawing them lmao

[lifeofwiw]

cooking journey #1

since moving into an apartment for the first time, i've taken up cooking. not from scratch per se, but definitely with a newfound sense of enjoyment. cooking has been a chore for most of my life both living at home with a single mom too tired to cook most of the time OR in a dorm with a meal plan and a "kitchenette" (not a single appliance, barely a counter, and a mediocre sink). recently, though, with a brand new (old) kitchen– and a tiny bit of my covid-lockdown spark for hobbies left over, i think– passion kind of took over.

its been going better than i expected. my main goal is to have skill enough to dupe any dish i could possibly crave from a restaurant. which, tonight, means trying to make some crispy tofu in the air fryer. random recipe on tiktok from @cj.eats (vaguely listed out below for my own convenience)

ingredients: extra firm tofu (pressed), garlic powder, soy sauce, onion powder, pepper, corn starch

method: 1. season pressed tofu 2. coat in cornstarch (and baking powder but don't think i have any) 3. spray tray, then tofu with oil 4. air fry at 400 F for 10 mins, shake and spray, then 4-5 more mins 5. season immediately out of air fryer

results:

i plated them up with some fresh rice and a little side dish i do when i need a little green in my life consisting of spinach cooked in sesame oil (and a little water if necessary) with the lid on just until wilted then topped with some sesame seeds. i also hodge podged a little sauce to sparingly spoon over top because i am nothing if not a fan of a sauce. if i may say, this was a hit in my book. everything was seasoned and every bite was enjoyable. i would make a few improvements for next time, but they are majority technique improvements [like, how the hell does one properly press firm tofu!]

overall, not a bad experiment! definitely not my worst technique fail when it comes to first time cooking a recipe with tofu i'll just say that...

p.s. can't believe i'm one of those people who put a recipe in the middle of a ton of blabber. hope no one needs that because there is absolutely no 'skip to recipe' button.

[lifeofwiw]

Introduction

hi :) this is my blog

i want to catalogue my life as it is right now. it's muddled and wanting and embarrassing. i'm 22. i thought about buying a self-help book last night. i'm not a good writer or cook or reader or photographer but as long as i do it anyway aren't i doing something brave? i have more questions than answers and they're not even good questions. but my glass is still half-full right now and that, to me, is cause for celebration.

let's do this