lightuppanda - Tumblr blog

[lightuppanda]

I fucking hate James Tissot’s paintings because in ALL OF THEM there is ALWAYS someone staring right at you, but it’s not always immediately visible. You just feel watched by this mf. Sometimes the little shit is right there at the centre, but others the bastard is just gazing from the distance, it is CREEPY, my guys

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Steven Universe - Art Nouveau Series by Alexa Rockman

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🧸

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[lightuppanda]

The best piece of advice I ever got was not meant as advice, but as an edict. If I was going to threaten people as a joke, it had to be so far out of proportion with what happened that it would be obvious I was joking. This changed how I expressed frustration with others. It then changed how I expressed frustration with myself.

Not “I’m going to hit you” but “I am going to buy a tuna sub from the gas station and hide it under the seat of your car”

Not “I’m going to kill myself” but “I am going to walk into the desert and let the scarabs take me”

The other side then happened. When I mess something up, instead of saying it’s bad and perpetuating negative thoughts, swing hard the other way.

Not “this art is terrible” but “this shall be framed and mounted on the wall in my museum exhibition as testament to the suffering I had to overcome”

Have been doing this since high school. It was my drama teacher who asked me to please stop scaring the actors. The other half of the edict was that I had to say it in a polite tone, and end it with either please or thank you.

Life changing. 10/10 Mr Muëller. Highly reccomend.

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Hide and seek master

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[lightuppanda]

No No No! 🙀 Don’t take your hands. I feel so comfy. 💕🐊

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Fairy tales by 冯伟 Feng Wei（c12）

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Being transtruama is so weird. Sometimes it feels like I get triggered for no reason- and I guess that there really isn’t any tangible reason. It’ll feel like there’s some trauma- some life-changing, heartbreaking experience full of grief and sadness and horror that is always sitting just out of reach of my memories.

It feels like a monster locked behind a door. You can’t see it, but you can sure as hell hear the noises it makes. It feels like something so big that you can only see a fraction of it. It feels like a star that’s always there, but only shows itself in your darkest moments.

Its snapping at friends without being able to explain why your triggered. It’s feeling sad or crying while watching a fictional character go through truama you feel like you should relate to. It’s laying up at night trying to find the trauma that made you this way, but only being able to find fractions that don’t fully make up a whole- don’t paint the full picture. Like a puzzle missing a bunch of puzzle pieces and the image that it’s creating is almost clear enough to tell what it is- it’s on the tip of your tongue.

It’s like to tale of Orpheus and Eurydice where you are Orpheus and your trauma is following you everywhere you go, completely unseen. It’s feeling that you should hear footsteps as she follows you, but not. It’s the doubt of “is there really trauma there?”

It’s feeling insane because there’s something there, you can feel it- but nobody else seems to notice. It’s an amnesiac knowing how to do a math problem they don’t remember being taught. In fact, it feels exactly like amnesia: You’ve lost all memory of your truama, but there’s still this feeling there- something that causes the extreme reactions you get from trauma.

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Looking pretty is self care, right? https://www.instagram.com/p/Cjqp63mPgiK/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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So we could really use some help right now.

So we are hard-core struggling right now, and I don't usually do this kind of stuff, but if anyone would be able to help out I'm going to leave the QR code for my CashApp here. Anything would help!

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I won't lie. The more I wear the clown nose the more I like it. Might be my new favorite accessory. https://www.instagram.com/p/ChsHIbdu29T/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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Here, have a little monkey man. https://www.instagram.com/p/ChArzvPvl63/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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It's been 10 whole months! https://www.instagram.com/p/Cg_A8iQuKAQ/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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