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okay i have a few more things to update on in aiden terms. last week he gave me a promise ring? which for some reason i didn’t write about? so now i have it hanging from the necklace he also gave me

we’ve been dating for 5 months yesterday and he gave me his fucking sweatshirt and it’s so warm and cozy it’s ridiculous it feels like he’s constantly giving me a hug
anyways so yeah i wanna marry him and live in a tiny one room apartment and hold his face kiss him everyday
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rn i’m waiting in the auditorium for first period. i saw aiden before we went in but he starts first and i start second so we’re gonna see eachother more after school
we played minecraft a lot last night it was a lot of fun we made a little farm lilypad which turned out very cute

i really like doingg stupid shit like this with him it’s really nice spending time with him. i also wrote him a love letter. in minecraft which turned out pretty good😼
i really love him. he’s so sweet and nice and kind and also really pretty? shits unreal
in other news, lemon demon. just found out about them about a week ago and holy shit i am in LOVE. all of nature tapes, so much of spirit phone, and MODIFY HOLY SHIT MODIFY i made a video about it because it’s just so fun to listen to https://youtu.be/p3ZMnS3cSoY
youtube
in more important news biden’s probably gonna win the election. rn arizona, nevada, georgia, pennsylvania, north carolina and alaska are all undecided, but biden has the lead in arizona nevada and now georgia(but not by much). he might also get PA but he only need nevada and arizona to win, which he’s probably getting
everything is really good rn i’m really happy

he’s so fuckingn cute i’ve cried about it
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!!! today was my second day of in person school and it’s really weird
i really enjoy seeing all my teachers and friends and aiden ofc but it doesn’t really feel worth it. for some classes like calc and gov but overall it doesn’t feel worth it. aiden is pretty much the only reason i want to stay hybrid
we’re doing really good!!! i don’t remember the last time i wrote one of these so i can’t really say what’s been going on since then, but everything is going really well
i really honestly think that i’m spending my life with him and it’s!!! really a lot. in the good way. he’s the love of my life
yeah so in summary💜school is weird and i’m gay
also i don’t know if i mentioned it yet but i’m back in the server and it’s a lot of fun!! it feels just like it did before it’s not weird or anything it’s really nice
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OKAYOKAY rejoined tft a few days ago and its really great. i thought it would be really weird for a while but im just! back to normal and its really great
aiden’s mom might be pulling some shit where she’s driving him to school so he cant meet me before school, but im still super excited to see him again.
i love him
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just driving home from the lake now, took the jet ski out of the water. obviously my choice for the last ride song was money machine
aiden just got over a pretty bad episode, but he’s doing good now. i love him so much and he’s so strong to push through all of this. i know it’s cheesy and gay but i really am proud of him. i wish i could show him how happy he makes me
i wanna spend my life with him, i’ve never met anyone like him

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okay i haven’t really been writing that much so i’ll try and make a really big one.
right now, i’m in the car with alex and his mom and they’re taking me home. this is really the first time i saw people other then aiden or alex at the lake house
aiden went away with his family for a few days, and he can’t talk because he doesn’t have any wifi. i’m sure that he’s fine, but there’s part of me that’s really worried.
i really love him
school starts in less then two weeks, and i was lucky enough to end up on the same day as him. i’m going to be going in and back with alex, so hopefully i’m able to see aiden sometimes before or after school. i really miss him, both because i haven’t talked to him in 2 days and because i haven’t seen him in almost a month. i still have some nail polish on somehow.
our plan right now is for me to get my lisence this year, and for us to go to PA together once his parents lose custody of him. i hope everything with that works out. i love him so much
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holy SHIT aiden is hot big thighs, fat ass, and is also sweet caring and in love with me? AND HIS FACE oh my god his face is so pretty just everything about him. i dont like picking out things i like the look of on people BUT HOLY SHIT his jawline? ITS SO LIKE??? SHARP? i dont know the word but its really hot
i cant believe he sent all the pictures that he sent last night because like holy FUCK that was like. half of his ass
and obviously im not complaining but like! i just wasn’t expecting it
yeah so im in love with him like a lot
im gay
i wanna kiss my boyfriend. on his mouth. all fucking day
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okay i havent said anything here for a while because i’ve been using a tiny legal pad to write down all my thoughts but heres a little summary it’s been over 2 weeks since everything happened in the server, and while im doing a lot better mentally i still need to fix everything. today im going to write apologies to some of my closer friends and hopefully a bigger one of the server.
me and aiden are doing really good now, which really helps with me thinking about everything
i havent talked to kat, elise, tv, kay, and hewi in weeks and it’s honestly pretty hard not talking to them for this long i really feel like im better then i was and that im not going to do anything like what i did again though, and i trust in their forgivness
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okay so i just sent the apology to aiden and wrote one to farah, so i’m hoping we’re good but mostly that i’m going to really change myself soon. i feel good though. i’m anxious about their responses but i’m soakin rn so😎 chillin
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okay! we said a lot of stuff to eachother and we’re not like. fixed, but maddan is helping me write an apology and he’s making me a lot more confident that we’re going to be okay. I still feel pretty 😔but nowhere near as bad as i was before. i sent this i thought this was going to go the other way but i think that to feel better i need to do this even though i really don’t want to. i’m going to take a break from talking at all for a while. maybe around a week. i don’t know. i need to learn not to hurt people with what i say and i know that i will. i’m sorry for everything that i said and everything that i might’ve made you feel, but i just wanted assurance that we were going to be okay because my brain was being irrational in the moment. you’ve helped me so much with everything but i need to take this into my own hands because i’m really the only person who can make me better. i might take this back sooner then i though, i might not, you might say something like right away that makes everything change in my head, i don’t know! thank you for everything that you’ve done for me also i’m not breaking up with you if that’s what this looks like i hope this is what you wanted to hear, and i hope this makes me better i might regret sending this this. was terrible. there are so many things wrong with it that i read over like 40 times but just couldnt see this is what he sent in response i think it's smart of you to take some time away. i know you want to be better. but holy shit i do not understand why it is always implicitly my responsibility to fix shit and i . idk it really did rub me the wrong way, the way you are fixated on our relationship when you really need to be dedicating time to learning and growing out of that bubble of casual insensitivity. i get that you care about me but you need to prioritize LEARNING. for someone who is so concerned with their reputation and people not forgiving them you seem to put too much energy into the wrong places. sometimes i feel pressured to be on your side even when i maybe should disagree. that is just unfortunately a combination of my fear of conflict and then also maybe feeling guilt tripped a little. i am happy to support you and hear your complaints about issues but sometimes it really messes with my head. i dont feel like farah was as in the wrong as you made her out to be. this does not invalidate the impact and pain for you, not in the slightest. but i was given such a one-sided and negative depiction of her, to the point where you compelled me to talk about her behind her back? that isnt okay. i wont be tolerating that again.[5:17 PM]i am still concerned that i overreacted to all of this, but regardless i am hurt that my really insanely desperate efforts to disregard my anger and instead comfort you in a time where you maybe should have been left a little uncomfortable were fruitless. i feel like we ended up here because im too nice or passive about what happened and i dont want to make that mistake again. i cannot keep coddling you when you say "im sorry" and then turn around and say some fuck shit again like. start owning up to the shit that has happened instead of caring more about the other shit human decency and compassion is a lot more important than making sure a boy still likes you. it's manipulative to do something wrong and then have me be like 'it's okay' before any real change has been made. fucked up to give an apology and take a perfectly reasonable break and then be like "i hope that's what you wanted to hear", makes it sound like you didnt mean what you said and that you dont care what's being told to you, just that youre saying it to appease me. i care about you very deeply. but when you come back lots of things need to change . i want this to work you KNOW im stubborn about this. but that effort cannot be onesided anymore. this really hit me like a ton of bricks because like. there was a lot of shit behind the scenes that i just didnt know about. i didnt know i was being guilt trippy or that he took the thing about farah so seriously. theres a lot more shit that i need to make up for then i thought there was, but im going to do it
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i thought i was getting better but i said something that hurt him again
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yeah so me and aiden might break up. i dont know yet. i just want him to do what makes him happy i said another thing that i really shouldn’t have and i mean i really thought saying this one through. i really thought that’d be an okay question to ask. i think i had another panic attack last night.
i hope we’ll be okay because i still love him, but i dont know if thats what he wants.
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