lilchicken22

[lilchicken22]

So,yesterday was rough. I landed in Bozeman having already been awake nearly 12 hours only for my card to get declined. I sat in the lobby of the hotel for hours asking every single person I knew for help only for them to ignore me or make feel worse about things. The manager approached me & I was fully prepared for him to tell me I had to leave cuz it was nearly 9pm. My heart was racing & a small feeling of embarrassment washed over me as he sat down. He said that he was the manager on for tonight & had spoken to his manager & they'd agreed to give me a room tonight at no cost because it "just wouldn't be human to let you sit there when we have one room left". I didn't know what to say. Id watched at least 20 people come to the desk only to be told "I'm sorry we're sold out for tonight".I just started crying & I was so exhausted at that point I didn't really care that I was bawling in a busy hotel lobby in front of a total stranger. It was relief and it was then that it hit me that it had been so long since someone had treated me like a human. I had gotten so used to being treated horribly based on my financial circumstances that humanity was almost foreign. I gave him a big 🫂 & thanked him. He said "we all go through hard times".His name was Adam. Adam, the first human on Earth in the Bible. By showing the smallest bit of love you restored my faith in humanity. This is not something I will soon forget. I hope when you go to sleep at night both sides of your pillow are cool & your coffee is just hot enough. I hope your steak is medium rare & someone let's you cut in front of them in the grocery line. I hope you meet someone just like you. I've only been in Bozeman a day & it already beats the hell outta CO.

[lilchicken22]

If December 14, 2020 If I was a man I'd be outside right now. I be feeling the cold fresh air on my cheeks. The brutal sting of winter that lets you know you're still alive when that hologram of failure has stuck around for a little too long.  When that jerk depression has overstayed his welcome. If I was a man I'd be showered and shaved all by 6:30, and when I went to get my coffee; to the barista I'd be just a little too flirty.  If I was a man I could wear what I want. People would look but never say what they thought.If I was a man I'd always be on time; I wasn't raised to cover up my blemishes and fine lines.   If I was a man I could speak freely I could demand a raise and never be called greedy.  If I was a man I could go out any time of night I wouldn't have to pack weapons in case I had to put up a fight.  If I was a man I wouldn't have to be nice or answer when they asked me if I was drunk or high.  If I was a man I'd scream NO all the time, to make up for all the women that lost their fucking lives.

[lilchicken22]

501 tears February 11, 2020 We are no longer the minority I sat on the bench in the dressing room with tears streaming down my face. Tears of anger,frustration & yes even a dash of self hatred. A million thoughts raced through my mind about eating better and working out more and why can't i just drink more water why can't i just be thinner or prettier. What the fuck is wrong with my body that in the whole store they don't have jeans big enough to fit me? What the fuck is wrong with me? I mean there is, isn't there? There must be something wrong with me if a billion dollar company doesn't even carry my size. Its 2020....why is this STILL an issue??It was a scene I was all too familiar with. An occurrence that had happened many times throughout my life that surely shaped how I feel about myself today. A scene from my childhood flashed into my head at this exact moment. It was my mother watching me pick up a tube top and saying "we don't wear things like that. we have a different body than other girls your age". I was 9. It's a scene that I'm sure the majority of you reading are unfortunately very acquainted with as well. Stepping into a store excitedly eyeing that pair of pants or that beautiful dress only to realize it wasn't made for us actual human women.It was made for a hanger. These companies, they cherry pick who is allowed to represent their brand whether its consciously or unconsciously, they are sending a message to us by choosing what sizes to carry and what sizes to not carry. That message is a very clear one and it echoes in my mind like reverb. "we want you to wear our clothes.Yeah you guys but only up to that one size.why would we want those other sizes? it would just make us look bad." Now i'm no business owner but, personally if I was running a company I'd carry all sizes. It just makes sense.  This is the message I get when I go into a famous denim store and they tell me they don't even carry my size. ME. A fairly physically average woman. I fall right at the tip of regular sizing and the very bottom of plus sizes. Were made to feel like we were going against the grain by just being US or that our body types aren't mainstream. That they are rare....but if we're all having the same issues then, are we really that rare?? We've had the idea of this "perfect ideal" body type beaten into our heads since birth so of course when we are all having the same problem we can't see clearly. We've had the rose colored glasses on so long that up until now we haven't been able to put two and two together and say THIS. This is my message to all these clothing brands. WE ARE MAJORITY. We are the mainstream you're ignoring. Were the mainstream you've been trying to brush under the rug for so long. You like to pretend that we don't exist by telling us that we don't belong on a runway. Or that we should "go to that plus size store"." Darling companies,you are so behind on the times it's sad and if you dont catch up you will get buried by companies more aware of their customers.You will get buried in the dust of our heels (you know the ones that actually came in our size;) Companies that think of EVERYONE when they choose their sizing. Because as a clothing company ,your target SHOULD BE EVERYONE. We are tired of the exclusion & the snobbery.You are out of touch with us. It is only a matter of time before quite frankly,yall go up in flames and get put out of business. So this is a letter of warning and advice from your customers. Please heed this advice seriously and remember. WE ARE THE MAJORITY. We will no longer be ignored or swept under the rug. We aren't going anywhere.

[lilchicken22]

Us December 10, 2019 They were always trying to "fix" us, like we were never enough just how we were. Picking us apart little by little until we looked in the mirror and didn't recognize the stranger staring back. I distinctly remember him telling me once I should always strive to be perfect. I just thought "I'm a mess there's no such thing as perfect. I'll never be enough of anything for him". That's it. They put out our flame... But not for much longer. I'll light you up and you'll light me.  That's all we need and you will always be more then enough. Upon further reflection I don't think they ever really loved us. True love isn't conditional. You love someone through the good and bad times. You don't get to cherry pick when you be there for them. You can't just decide "well they haven't reached success yet so I'm dumping them". No. That not the love we're searching for. It still hurts now but maybe we're better off. It'll get better each day little by little and we probably won't even notice. When we do we have to celebrate those little victories. Like getting outta bed in the morning to go for an early run. Or realizing it's been a few hours since you last thought of them, or a few days since you last cried over them. You find yourself laughing again. You come across old pictures of you two & you no longer feel the punch in your stomach you used to. You can drive by that place now without wincing. You slowly find yourself able to enjoy all the things you thought they'd ruined. Then one day we'll wake up and realize it doesn't hurt anymore. Everything they told us we'd fail at without them we succeeded. We did the damn thing all by ourselves without that negative toxic little voice in our ears trying to keep us down. Trying to keep us where they thought we belonged. Because remember. They want us to do good, but never better then them. Never good to the point of not needing them. But here we are.  Without them. Laughing, eating, smiling and living. That's the victory I think. When we learn that the only love we ever needed was us.

[lilchicken22]

The Other Woman October 14, 2019 Dear B, I don't know why I contacted you. Everyone told me not to. I've never been someone that can lie. I always have the stupid overwhelming urge to tell people the truth no matter how awful. I guess I was just curious. I was curious to know if you were as bad as he said. I wondered if he had said the awful things to you that he had to me. I wondered if you had cried yourself to sleep some nights wondering what you done wrong. I want to tell you everything and nothing at the same time. You don't know me and I don't know you but, we have one thing in common. HIM. I want you to know that I had no mal intent. I didn't even know about you until after. I can't begin to imagine what 9 years of this has felt like for you....but I know what 2 years feels like. All I could think of when things ended was how did she do it for so long ? God bless her she's strong. He came to me as a broken lost shell of a human. I don't think I've ever seen a man cry that much in my life. Between the sobs that racked his body I could hear him saying that he was losing his family. That it was destroying him inside. Horrific screams from his days serving awoke me in the night. He was having night terrors. I've always naturally attracted lost souls such as myself. As a healer and as (me being me) I've always wanted to help. I had no idea how deep it went. When he started shaking & sweating the next morning I realized it was much more then I'd thought. He bragged about having drunk 8 tiny bottles. He said he was cold. It was the summer. My room had no A.C. at the time. It was 85° & he was shivering. His sweat completely drenched my bed. I dove in without thinking as I always do. It wasn't until later that I found out I was the other woman. I wondered how many of us there were.Was it just me? How many women had become collateral damage? I was naive. Thinking my love could fix his craving for a drink. Or a hit. Thinking it would make him a better person. I hoped he'd change. I wondered if you felt the same. Had you gone through the same things in your mind? Over & over like a record? He held the knife to his throat and all I could think of was "no. your blood needs you. this isn't happening ". So I called the Suicide hotline. 72 hours later he let me know he was mad at me. How dare I stop him. If that's what he wanted that's was his choice (in his words). 2 years is hard to sum up in 1 letter. I know it's probably far easier for you to hate me. I'm sure you'd rather think of me as just some random slut then collateral damage. I got caught in the cross fires of a broken human as did many of us. We'll probably never know how many. I fell in love with someone who loved the bottle more. I think we can all agree as women that we need to stop hating each other for what men have done to us. The wrong doing they have bestowed upon us are no one's fault but their own. They're scars each of us will have to heal from individually. We all have our own story and I'm sure there's a lot that I don't know just as there is a lot that you don't know. But I want you to know that if you have any questions I'm an open book. If you want to hate me forever that's fine too. It's easier to simplify things but the reality it's far more complex then we can grasp sometimes. I wanted to take his pain away. I was hopeful. I was willing to help an utterly broken, lost soul. I had faith. I was naive. I was The Other Woman. If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction or suicidal thoughts please contact National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-8255 Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) 800-662-4357

[lilchicken22]

Puzzle piece September 22, 2019 lemme start off by saying NO I WASN'T HACKED. THIS IS ME. The one & only you've all come to know & avoid. if you're getting this it's because you're one of the many people that chipped away at my soul. By taking my kindness for granted, or by zoning in on my weak spots to hurt me or by trying to rape or take advantage of me when I was homeless. maybe you're the ex boyfriend that tried to take off my pants when I was passed out in a hotel bed with a 102° fever. maybe you're the homeless shelter ra that watched me get threatened & stood by & laughed cuz I'm white & it was amusing to you. maybe you're the Marine "mouse " Torres that raped me in a motel one of the many times I was homeless & left $2 on the side table for my train fare. Maybe you're a guy that asked me to marry you & cheated on me the next day sending me pictures. Maybe you were 1 of a seemingly endless line of guys thar saw how deep i loved & just used me. You made me feel like nothing. But im sure you already knew that. Maybeyou're someone who made me feel like I'm worth nothing but sex. Maybe you just led me on. or maybe youre someone who i saw something good in but you let me down..maybe you're my mom...i doubt it cuz she never reads anything I wrote. maybe you're my mom who abused me for years & slapped on a smile when anyone was around so you could convince them all I was crazy. maybe you're my dad.....a dad's supposed to protect their daughter... But you never did. you & mom broke my heart long before any boy ever could. maybe you were one of the MANY people that were just awful to me & bullied me. maybe you made up lies about me or got me fired. maybe u just weren't ever there for me when I needed you the most. hell..most of you actively avoided me when you knew I needed you most. some of you would call me "troubled or crazy " cuz I saw through all the conditioned societal bullshit that we're all "supposed to be" & I thought maybe if I could love hard enough or be nice enough it would change the world. Butit never stopped any of you from being terrible. it never stopped you from breaking my heart. or using me for selfish gain. sometimes I feel like my souls just about to float outta my body & up to the sky. maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. It's never ok to be emotional today. you'd all rather "fuck" then just...BE. love. sex is fast but a phone call is always too much to ask for. or a cuddle. I love cuddles cuz even though i know that I have nobody cuddling makes me feel LESS alone. But I'm so exhausted. im so tired of all you treating me like I'm nothing. But maybe I am. that's what I feel like. if you can imagine the smallest speck of dust in the galaxy being broken into even smaller pieces. that's what I feel like. nothingness. dust. why can't you just be good to me? why don't my parents love me? I wonder that one alot. I try not to but.. It's really hard not having a family. I don't mean a family by blood. I mean a REAL family. it's hard to not feel like nothing when you got nothing. if you got this...you broke my heart. you contributed to me needing to leave & never come back. maybe when I'm goneyou'll all realize how much the things that SEEM like "little things" count. cuz they do. every text ignored. every truth not spoken. And every heart you've purposely broken. it matters. big or small. I hope nobody ever makes you feel the way you made me feel. I'm the lost puzzle piece that doesn't fit anywhere. Nobody Knows where i go. So you leave me behind the tv set to collect dust. But neither do i. I wish you nothing but love.

[lilchicken22]

Red, White and Blue by ROSEMARIE TSAMAS • JULY 21, 2020 FacebookTwitterShare It’s almost 20 years later and my mind still can’t grasp what happened. I went to the World Trade Center yesterday for the first time. I‘m 27 years old and I just saw one of the most infamous sites in the world for the first time.  It’s the fourth of July. A day where we should be celebrating men and women that lay down their lives for our freedom. As I look around me it’s beautiful. The sun is shining, it’s warm and there’s just that little bit of a breeze to keep you cool. There are children running around blowing bubbles, people walking their dogs and runners glistening. The sun is starting to set and there are streaks of yellow, orange, and pink in the sky. A scene perfectly orchestrated by God almost as if it was written for a movie script. The architecture around me is beautiful and pristine. Glass buildings are everywhere and flowers are hanging from the ceiling of the beautiful patio restaurants. I think there‘s a fountain where one of the towers used to be. I only say “I think” because I didn‘t let myself get close enough to it to actually see.  Everything is rebuilt now  — at least physically.  Any babies born after that year would never know just by looking at it, but I can‘t help but feel like I‘m looking at a graveyard when I see it. Even as fresh and new as it was, in my mind I saw the ash. In my mind, I saw the smoke. In my mind, I saw the falling man, and all our innocence broke. I tell myself to stop being such a baby and stop crying because it‘s not like I was there. I only saw the collapse of America as we ever knew it, but I suppose that‘s an awful lot to bear. I can‘t help but think of us “before” whenever I see a child innocently playing. The child represents America. Carefree. Light.  I miss that feeling before the fire of 175 United flight. Let‘s not forget American 11. I know every passenger went straight to heaven.  So, on this day of red, white and blue. Let‘s honor who showed up to help and mourn what we didn‘t know.  Let‘s mourn our innocence of the way we saw the world before the flames engulfed our sky and the black smoke swirled.   

[lilchicken22]

Last night the place I was supposed to move into fell through. That's been happening alot since I came to CO. Things falling through at the last minute. So needless to say I was throughly depressed last night. I cried until my eyes were red and puffy & ordered Chick Fil A only for the dasher to curse me out for not tipping him. I wasn't so hungry anymore and each bite was a chore. I put on my lip balm and headed to bed for the night. When I woke up in the morning I scrubbed my lips with my pink bubblegum sugar scrub as I watched all the dead skin slough off into the bathroom sink. Gross yet satisfying. If my lips hadn't been softened up by that balm the old skin wouldn't have come off so easily. Similarly I realized as I listened to my audio book that I wouldn't let myself have a fresh and positive mindset. It was a new day yet I was somehow feeling guilty for trying to wake up and be positive. Why do we do this? You tell yourself that you must stick to this sad character. Maybe because humans flock to what's familiar. I wasn't allowing myself to be a better me. I'm not my emotions. I'm human yes. I'm allowed to have bad days yes. But I must love myself enough to be able to scrub away yesterday and start new and soft of heart. Let's allow ourselves to let go of yesterday and wake up fresh and renewed being whoever we wanna be today. We deserve it. A fresh start to every day. Take a deep breath with me and repeat "I deserve a clean slate every day. I will forgive my past self for not loving me enough. I will not punish myself for having the human experience of emotions. I will speak to myself with love and kindness",*breath*......

[lilchicken22]

A letter to my love

For the past couple years Ive woken up feeling like I'm living someone else's life. As if I'm trapped in the wrong body. Living an average life, one that my soul does not connect with. I relate to nobody around and itch for more. For better. Most days I dream of being someone else. Of riding hard and fast with the wind through my hair and freedom in my soul. Theres always someone by my side but I can't see his face yet. It's not somebody else's life I long for however but it's my own true purpose I crave.  I was born to be a lover. I know this and although I'm well aware it doesn’t fit our casual culture I don’t care. I'm a romantic. I take phone calls over texts and flowers over emojis. I'd rather picnic then go to a restaurant. I want to dance in the rain with you. I want to learn from each other and grow in love.  Fly to me and I'll fly to you. Let's value each other again. Let's love again. Let's laugh again. Let's forgive again. Let's be vulnerable again and stop shaming the courage it takes to bear your heart after its already been broken. Let me show you what it's like to really be loved. Be proud to cry. Be proud to be fall. But most of all be proud to love. It's what makes us human. If we could just accept these things then man, what a utopia we would live in.  What started out as a letter to all has now turned into a letter to my future person. Something tells me you're out there right now reading this. Can you believe that? That I'm looking for you? Ive been looking for you for quite some time now my darling and I'm ready. Anything that needs to be worked through we can work through together. My heart is longing for you and that feeling just grows by the day. So please come to be. Come find me. I love you more than words can describe. I'll be waiting my love.

[lilchicken22]

If you take a live frog and put it in a pot of boiling water it will jump out right away. But if you take the same frog and put it in a pot of tepid water and slowly turn the heat up- by the time the Frog realizes the water is boiling it will be too late. This is the current climate of US politics.

Rosemarie Tsamas

[lilchicken22]

The puzzle piece that doesn't fit

lemme start off by saying NO I WASN'T HACKED. THIS IS ME. The one & only you've all come to know & avoid. if you're getting this it's because you're one of the many people that chipped away at my soul. By taking my kindness for granted, or by zoning in on my weak spots to hurt me or by trying to rape or take advantage of me when I was homeless. maybe you're the ex boyfriend that tried to take off my pants when I was passed out in a hotel bed with a 102° fever. maybe you're the homeless shelter ra that watched me get threatened & stood by & laughed cuz I'm white & it was amusing to you. maybe you're the Marine "mouse " Torres that raped me in a motel one of the many times I was homeless & left $2 on the side table for my train fare. Maybe you're a guy that asked me to marry you & cheated on me the next day sending me pictures. Maybe you were 1 of a seemingly endless line of guys thar saw how deep i loved & just used me. You made me feel like nothing. But im sure you already knew that. Maybe you're someone who made me feel like I'm worth nothing but sex. Maybe you just led me on. or maybe youre someone who i saw something good in but you let me down..maybe you're my mom...i doubt it cuz she never reads anything I wrote. maybe you're my mom who abused me for years & slapped on a smile when anyone was around so you could convince them all I was crazy. maybe you're my dad.....a dad's supposed to protect their daughter... But you never did. you & mom broke my heart long before any boy ever could. maybe you were one of the MANY people that were just awful to me & bullied me. maybe you made up lies about me or got me fired. maybe u just weren't ever there for me when I needed you the most. hell..most of you actively avoided me when you knew I needed you most. some of you would call me "troubled or crazy " cuz I saw through all the conditioned societal bullshit that we're all "supposed to be" & I thought maybe if I could love hard enough or be nice enough it would change the world. But it never stopped any of you from being terrible. it never stopped you from breaking my heart. or using me for selfish gain. sometimes I feel like my souls just about to float outta my body & up to the sky. maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. It's never ok to be emotional today. you'd all rather "fuck" then just...BE. love. sex is fast but a phone call is always too much to ask for. or a cuddle. I love cuddles cuz even though i know that I have nobody cuddling makes me feel LESS alone. But I'm so exhausted. im so tired of all you treating me like I'm nothing. But maybe I am. that's what I feel like. if you can imagine the smallest speck of dust in the galaxy being broken into even smaller pieces. that's what I feel like. nothingness. dust. why can't you just be good to me? why don't my parents love me? I wonder that one alot. I try not to but.. It's really hard not having a family. I don't mean a family by blood. I mean a REAL family. it's hard to not feel like nothing when you got nothing. if you got this...you broke my heart. you contributed to me needing to leave & never come back. maybe when I'm gone you'll all realize how much the things that SEEM like "little things" count. cuz they do. every text ignored. every truth not spoken. And every heart you've purposely broken. it matters. big or small. I hope nobody ever makes you feel the way you made me feel. I'm the lost puzzle piece that doesn't fit anywhere. Nobody Knows where i go. So you leave me behind the tv set to collect dust. But neither do i. I wish you nothing but love.

[lilchicken22]

Like souls recognize each other. I see you. I see the parts of you that you try so hard not to show. I feel your broken heart utterly lonely soul. Your an old romantic like me. Unsatisfied with our generations love casualties & games and casting one another aside for seemingly better conquests. I can hear the wind whisper with your every heart beat. You and I are like. We're lovers the lot of us and we can't help that. If you ask me we shouldn't. Maybe you're my lid.

[lilchicken22]

Although I smile and joke, most of the time I'm so lonely I think I can hear wolves howling in my soul

[lilchicken22]

I'm up at 3:49 feeling like I got punched in the stomach thinking of about you.... and her... and why I'm not enough. I'm thinking about WHY you haven't answered my text yet. About WHY I want you to myself so badly. I'm wondering WHY do i have to be so sensitive. WHY??? Life would be so much less painful for me if i was just like everyone else. If i just treated EVERYONE and EVERYTHING so casually as if I didn't care if they disappeared. When this started I didn't think itd last 10 years. I thought that at some point someone along the way would realize how loving and loyal I am... But no. Not a text back. No answer. Not even an orgasm in months. Please please tell me that I'm not crazy for feeling this way. Please tell me that you'd get jealous if you'd been in the same situation as me. Am I that easily replaceable to u? Am I really just nothing? I feel like less then nothing. I've been in a daze. People tell me at work that I look sick. A customer tipped me yesterday cuz of it. But....i look sick.... thinking about you with anyone else makes me sick. I want you to myself. I don't wanna share you with anyone else. But if I tell you that you'll just ghost. Take the easy way out instead of giving me closure at the most.

[lilchicken22]

My heads buzzing. It'll be hard to write this. My boss caught me crying at work today in the back. An hour into my shift and I was so ready to be home while I still have one. My eyes are burning as I write this. I saw it all so clearly. I pictured you in the audience at my graduation and I'd say how much you changed my life and if it wasn't for you I'd probably be dead. (I was valedictorian in my vision and also it was a university not a crappy trade school) I'd tell everyone how great you were and how much I loved you. I pictured us tearing apart an old van and turning it into our home. Going on adventures together. We had a dog in my vision. We had polaroid of us hanging up. I'd make money on off seasons by my music and photography and be a MT by day while u played with your chainsaw. But the tape broke. I don't see my future anymore. Nothing's there. Cuz someone took the tape and unraveled it. So I'll leave you alone and let you forget like you want to.

[lilchicken22]

The fact that Tinder and jobs are so similar in how they treat you they're meshing into one is disturbing. Now companies treat people applying for jobs with the same callousness and lack of empathy that men using women for casual sex do

Rosemarie Tsamas

[lilchicken22]

Text to an old love

I guess I should be offended that ur dating then. But that would be stupid. Cuz ur happy with her. I deserve that too. Even if it was a fucked attempt & didn't work out. I can't be stupid anymore. I can't keep thinking there's some happy ending. There's not. I'm the rule. I'm not the exception. I'll always be the fucking rule. I've spent so much of my life thinking people will change that I never actually see who they are. All I see is potential. And I get stuck on that. That's why I bothered to see u even after we broke up. But u don't want me. U kept me around for convenience. So I need to let everyone go. Everyone I've held hope in for so long. Even if that means I'll be alone. I hope u know that I never intended to hurt u. I was just trying to move on and fill that fucking hole inside me. I love u always and hope ur happy and well. Maybe in the future I will think of you without the twinge of pain in my heart and smile at the good memories and I hope u can do the same. What's really fucked up about all this is that you still call him your "homie". But you long ago and still really know me. Deep down the things I don't wanna say out loud u know why I do what I do it's cuz of what I feel inside not cuz I tried to hurt you and not cuz I don't love you. I'm feeling everything and nothing all at the same time. I wanna feel alive but also die. I wanna stay but I wanna run away from all this stagnant shit my life's the same. My life clearly hasn't touched any of yours so I need to leave and be somewhere I'm needed.