lilhdram

[lilhdram]

20210608

I have a very stupid & idiotic idea of love.

The way I want to love and to feel loved is being real, honest, being there for the ones who care for me. Baking you cookies, crocheting something specially for you.

I want to be there when you're having your hardest times, and also when you are in your highest times.

I want to be part of your life, not to dictate in which direction you should follow, but I'll be right there next to you, following my own dreams while celebrating yours.

I'm not ideal, I'm not perfect.

But I'm real.

And my crazy idea of falling in love, is getting to know each tiny little detail of that person, and yeah maybe you don't love each of them, but you appreciate them, as they form part as a whole. And those distinctive traits make your loved one be special and so unique.

I want ppl to love my details, to learn about me, so I can learn about you, sharing things as equals.

Being loyal, and open. Patient.

Loving not always comes with smiles and parties. Love needs courage, and having to be the one to calm down while in an argument.

Loving also means stepping back to see the full picture.

Appreciating the details & the whole picture.

Loving both.

Understanding where everything comes from, and still accepting it. Knowing what traits are your worst and being conscious about it, and trying your hardest to not hurt. Taking your time and then coming back when you're cool down.

Loving is in the details.

Loving is such a crazy idea right now.

The sole fact of being loyal is an out of the world concept. So ancient.

Who wants that?

I guess only me wants it.

As a side note, my boyfriend lied to me. And yeah, that hurts. I guess our definitions of love are totally different.

[lilhdram]

20210604

Hey!

It's being a while since the last time I came to write.

I just miss writing so much.

I miss just wanting to pour my soul and emotions into the paper (word processor), anyway, I miss it so much. Not caring about other people's opinion, and just wanting to create to my heart's content.

I miss the freedom it gave me.

I also miss playing the piano.

I'm such a coward when it comes to music, I come from a lineage of musicians, so I always think I'm the weak link of my family.

But I do enjoy playing the piano with all my soul, I do love playing pieces that my heart sings to.

I miss it a lot.

I miss just reading for the pleasure of stop minding my own problems only for a few minutes.

I miss it a lot.

I guess what I gotta do now is to stop missing and start acting.

I think it's time for me to really start.

I wanna start.

I'm going to start.

I already started working out, and I missed it a lot. I've been hitting the gym for 3 weeks in a row and my muscle memory is starting to catch up.

So I'm actually seeing the effects of the gym in my body, and I feel so comfy with my body right now.

I feel more confident, more beautiful and more healthy. I wanna stay this way.

I have a lot of things to accomplish, and I do have the time to really achieve my goals. So I'm going to start. Better try than complain about not doing it. Right?

I also going to take care of my friends, of my family, of my boyfriend. I wanna be more present in their lives.

But I'm also going to give my well deserved place. If I don't see any effort from their part I'm not goign to cancel them, but I'm not going to beg for love, you know?

I love myself, so I don't need love from any other source!

This is a short log, sorry.

Not that there's anyone reading this, but I don't really care. I am reading it!

I love you 💜

Please, keep going, you are almost there!

Lilh.

[lilhdram]

20210519

I'm just writing this a bit confused about a lot of stuff.

I'm the kind of person to just keep everything to myself, that until I can't keep it any longer.

I'm writing this in hopes for it to help me to settle down my feelings and all of the thoughts going on and on in my mind.

Sometimes I tend to speak to my grandma, but you know. She's not on earth anymore. So talking to her is like having a monolog. I wish I could have an insight about what I'm babbling right now.

I have a boyfriend. He is kind, funny, honest, loyal, thoughtful, the list could go on and on.

We've been together for a bit over a year - maybe year and a half.

He's really amazing.

What I'm trying to spill out. Is how different we are from each other. We don't have the same interests, we don't watch the same programs, he doesn't like to read books, I love books, he loves hiking and does it every weekend, I've only tried it once - for him. And hated it.

He's a social butterfly, and I'm such an introvert.

He is really spontaneous, and I'm more of a planer.

So, as being so different from each other as we are, we tend to clash sometimes.

Sometimes I feel like he is not that interested in me, and the things I love. Maybe because I'm really self conscious, so I'm always wary when sharing something with him. I don't know why it takes a lot for me to actually take the lead sometimes and do whatever I want to do with him. So I usually just follow whatever he chooses.

And usually I'm fine with it.

Lately I've been paying more attention to myself. I started staning BTS like before - hardcore staning. I've started writing. I've even started working out again. I've been studying a lot for future evaluations in my work.

And now he is being a bit needy with me, I was like this before, always waiting for him, missing him, wondering what was he doing - cuz he tends to be busy because of his work. So I was always sad when he couldn't talk to me as much as I thought I needed.

Now that I'm having troubles finding free time, he has been a bit emotional about me not having time.

And I don't know if it's fair for him to do that with me. Or if I'm the one in the wrong.

Am I wrong?

All this time during quarantine I focused solely in 3 things:

Work

Family

Boyfriend

And now that I'm starting to find time to myself, restarting some things that I love and I stopped doing because I was lacking motivation. I have him feeling all needy and sad.

Am I not allowed to have things for myself?

I know it sounds stupid just by reading it while I'm typing it.

I have all right to be myself. I have all right to love myself. I have all right to share something I love with someone else, and I have all right to keep something solely to myself.

At the same time I am in a relationship, and relationships are about commitment and trust.

So you give a little of yourself, but at the same time you recieve from someone else.

I don't know what I'm having this thoughts at such hour in the night. My ears are ringing like crazy, I should check that in a medic appointment soon.

Anyway.

I'm confused, and lost.

Wish my grandma could give me some advice, and some big and tight hugs, since I miss her dearly.

Sometimes I think I'm wasting my time. I'm 27, I still haven't accomplished a lot of things in my bucket list.

So I don't feel really good about myself at the moment. Which makea crucial for me to take this time to really focus on myself.

I don't know why I'm subconsciously pushing my bf away. But I don't want to hurt him. I just don't feel the same as before. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad sign.

I need my space, I want to be with someone when we both want to share, but I don't like to feel pressured or to be married to my partner's beliefs and goals. I wanna have my own, and have my own mistakes. And I think this is taking a toll on me.

I don't like it. Not righ now.

Maybe I should talk to him about it - the sooner the better.

This is making me develop a headache.

I wish I could have all of the answers in front of me.

But I don't.

So I guess this is just me, babbling all by myself, at midnight.

-Lilh

[lilhdram]

20210416

Hey, again Tumblr!

Lately I've been thinking about topics I can talk you about.

I don't want to talk about anything, but at the same time I don't have a specific topic in mind.

Listen, I really thought 2020 was going to be THE year. But I guess that opportunity is yet to come.

My 2019 wasn't that bad either.

I started working out, like really working out.

My sister said this to me: "You really shouldn't buy all this gym stuff if you're not planning to commit to it".

And while I was already spending some 3-4k I look at her dead in the eye and said "I'm going to do it, I wanna do it!".

So on January 3rd we went to this amazing gym in the capital, the whole front of the building was made of glass so you can actually see the sweaty people suffering inside. I was dying to be one of them, with my cheeks red from exercising and my hair plastered on my forehead with sweat.

To say I was really proud of myself those first days is an understatement. I mean I was lifting marshmallow wait, but I felt great. We went to the gym mostly at night (they closed at 11pm, a lot of times we were locked inside).

But on January 17th the worst happened, while doing a chest routine (with a crazy ass machine that could serve as a torturing device, and was way out of my league) I felt something snap in my abdominal area. And I genuinely lost it. My sister thought I was being a baby and that I was faking it because I was too tired to keep up. But suddenly when feeling my abs (you may as well call them absent since there's not signal of them so far) right bellow my left pec, I felt a bump. And you know, a bump is a BUMP!!

I went into panic mode. And the fact that my sister wasn't paying attention to me made it even worst. So I did the only thing I could do in that situation.

I cried in the gym's bathroom and had a panic attack.

Yay me!

But actually a good human took me out of my suffering and helped me breathe, and they even gave me their mint flavored water. I was really grateful, but I was still scared at the bump. I was already regretting starting my fitness life.

So as we usually left the gym at ass o'clock, there was no place opened to tend my bump (at that point I was sure as hell I popped a Hernia, I don't know how hernias work, but I was sure it was one of those 😭).

So my sister and her boyfriend took me to a public clinic and they made me wait there, all sweaty and crying my eyes out since I had a bad case of psychological Hernia.

When the doctor finally saw my "bump" she said I managed to pull my muscle a little, but that I was going to be fine. No hernias! But she said that I had to be more careful and recommended me to take a few days off from my fitness life.

After that I started to be more careful with my routines, I followed advice from coaches (when I managed to get their attention lol).

And I started to see my body changing! I was more fit, and some of my muscles actually started to say hello! (except for my butt and my abs :c).

I fell in love

In 2019 I was in my 2nd year of single life. I was just coming out of a long ass relationship of 5 years! So I took my time to start meeting new people.

Actually I went out a lot. But nothing ever happened since I was to closed up to let someone in for real.

So while trying to date in 2019, I met some great people and some awful people.

In April my best friend convinced me to use Tinder. Yeah, I know.

(As a side note I totally had a crush going on with some gym cutie guy, but I was too shy to ever approach him).

So yeah, back to Tinder. I posted some pics of my new fit self (nothing showy since I didn't want to attract the creepy kind... Yet).

So I was in my second day of swiping left in Tinder and guess who was there?

Mr. Gym!! (Cutie Gym guy!).

So as I was on my way to work and his profile popped in my screen. I was like "What?" at seven in the morning inside a bus full of sleepy people. The shhed me, but I studied his profile a bit more carefully (I didn't want to press any button by mistake!).

And then decided that I wasn't going to think about it yet as I was going to work for a whole of 7 hours in my school and I needed to focus in that first. So I closed Tinder and opened Facebook and maybe freaked out a bit about it.

Later that day I finally found the courage to opened Tinder again.

So I watched the app loading, anxiously thinking that maybe his profile got lost and I lost my chance with it. But nooo! His pic said hello to me as soon as I re-opened the app. He was a year older than me, his name was a good name, but we will call him Mr. Gym.

So I did the only thing I could do in that case, swip right and hope for the best. I wasn't risking anything you know, if he saw my profile but didn't like me, he wasn't going to know that I liked him. Everything was going to be alright. I could still go to the same gym without him knowing.

Ah... If only that had happened.

No, I didn't like him. In my anxious state I actually SUPER LIKED HIM!!

Why oh why?

So my whole "it's going to be alright if he doesn't like you he is never going to know you liked him" went straight to the gutter. He was going to know not only that I liked him, noooo he was going to know that I SUPER LIKED HIM!

So I did what I was trained to do in these situations. I proceeded to freak out in Facebook and panic in my living room.

And not only that, that day was a gym day! So as usual, we were going to see Mr. Gym!

So I threw my phone away and started to pack my gym things, because my fitness life was more important than my dignity. But...

Suddenly I got a Noti.

From Tinder.

"Mr. Gym texted you".

So... After a few more freaking out in Facebook and confusing my friends, I finally found the courage to open the damn app.

And it clicked in my brain: You can't send messages to someone on Tinder unless you matched!

We Matched guys!! Me and Mr. Gym! I felt like crying, since he actually liked me back, and I was still wary of the fact that I SUPER LIKED HIM!

Anyway, I had two messages from him, and he said:

"Hello, Lilh"

"Wow you superliked me, I wish I know how to superlike you back"

My dad was smoking a cigar outside but the smoke came inside the house since he forgot to close the damn windows. So I was starting to feel a bit dizzy. So I wrote back to him.

"Hey, Mr. Gym. You can still do it if you want, it's never too late".

And he actually wrote.

"Mr. Gym super likes you"

And later we started to talk like a lot. I was anxious the whole time I was at the gym. He wasn't there yet. But it was leg day, and we trained leg day as savages, I was sweating like it was my first day. And it was a Tuesday, the outfit of Tuesdays was a shirt that highlighted the sweat like a sore thumb.

So when I was killing my calfs with a torturing device he finally made it. And if I had any doubt of him being the real Mr. Gym, I ventured asking him what was he doing.

"I'm at my gym, I'm doing some cardio before starting my routine".

And guess who was at the second floor doing cardio??

But then he asked:

"What are YOU doing?"

Oh man, if it was possible I started sweating even more ha ha!

"I'm at the gym too".

"Really, which one?"

"Life gym".

"No way! That's my gym! Where are you?"

"I'm with my sister and her boyfriend, we are almost done".

So yeah, I was really scared to meet him there that day. But I went to the bathroom put my sweater on, and when I came out of the bathroom he was doing his routine, so I went right in his direction. And said hi to him.

I guess he didn't expect me to say hi, but he looked genuinely nervous but smiled at me nonetheless.

We talked for a bit, he even showed me his Naruto tattoo (Sasuke's curse mark). Oh man, I was sold at that stage. We bid our goodbyes and when I walked off, I was humming "Close to you" by the Carpenters. I know what you are thinking. It was too good to be true. (And maybe too fast too)

But for the next days, we texted, we met each other at the gym, he told me he was crazy about me. And I fell HARD.

Two weeks in, during BTS comeback with Boy with luv I thought, this person might be my person.

But one evening with my cousin. I talked about the whole situation. And my cousin is like a FBI investigator... he found Mr. Gym's Facebook.

Guys... He had a girlfriend.

I've had my heart broken before. Not biggy.

So I decided to stop talking to him. I remember the last time I saw him. He was dancing to Post Malone's Rockstar, and he was laughing. He huged me and said goodbye as if it was going to be the last time we talked.

And it was.

But don't worry about me. I wasn't alone, and I was strong. So I kept myself up. I cried a bit, but that was only natural. So when I saw him taking his girlfriend to the gym, I tried to never look in their direction. My sister told me that I was prettier. Hahaha but it didn't matter. I had nothing against her. If anything he lied to her too.

So I kept going to the gym with my sister. And even though I tried to not look for him I couldn't help myself.

Until I finally stopped going there.

I'm not gonna say I didn't date again (I did, a lot actually). But nothing felt as strong as those two mother fucking weeks.

It took time but I finally healed, and later that year I asked out my long time crush, after I praised one of his drawings.

He accepted my coffee date. We had a second date after that, at the movies. And when he brought me home we had our first kiss.

We are still together. He is really special, even though I never thought we could go all the way to this moment. I really love him. We are really different from each other but I love a lot of things about him.

So yeah. I fell in love, and I had my heart handed to me. I healed, and I fell again.

Loving is just part of life, take your time understanding your feelings. No one will know more about you than you. So if you don't feel ready, don't do it. But if you feel ready, go ahead, try it, if you fail, it's okay, you can keep trying.

I started practicing self-confidence, loving myself and self-esteem

During 2019 I was taking therapy sessions every 2 weaks, a lot of things happened in that year. I was 24-25 at that time, so I was trying so hard to adult the adulting, that I was feeling tired all the time. I wasn't enjoying it really.

So I started to put myself first.

Whenever I wanted to do something I went for it. That's so OoC for me, but I did. And it felt great.

I wasn't trying anymore. I was doing.

And I wasn't doing it for other than myself.

For me that was the true meaning of being here. I always questioned my existence. And suddenly I had an answer.

You are here for yourself.

You don't need other reasons.

That was so liberating!

I was finally free!

So 2019 was the year of not taking shit from anyone. (Hence why I stopped any interaction with Mr. Gym even though I liked him). And it felt really empowering.

So I decided "Imma do this more often".

2019 truly gave me a lot, so I was so ready to receive 2020 with the same of energy.

But not everything goes as planned.

Life changes, it's part of life itself. Sometimes it's really sutile, and some others it's like a wrecking ball. But you can't hold onto things too tight or for too long. You have to let go.

I really hope those hurting during 2020 got their chance to mourn. I hope 2020 gave us a new perspective of life. And I hope all of you are safe. I cried the first days because I was really scared.

Now I get that this is part of life.

And life goes on.

So I keep going.

Please, keep going too.

Yours, Lilh.

[lilhdram]

20210412

Hello, tumblr

I've been off for soooo long, he he

Lately I've thinking a lot of what this space used to mean to me.

Like I said in my last post, this used to be my safe space.

But I really don't wanna start this with a sad note, not at all.

When I left here I was starting in my new job (I'm still there).

I've been teaching at a school for almost 4 years now. I work with elementary school kids, and at first I had my doubts, you know? I was never good with kids, not that I don't like them, but I'm just naturally calm and shy.

But...

I was totally wrong with my second guessing, I totally loved my students. Yeah, they are not perfect, but I don't expect them to be, they are kids after all. But I discovered a lot about human nature just by watching them. And I found myself learning alongside my students.

I'm really shy, so I didn't approached my peers at the school since I'm the youngest with a gap of almost 15 years. So I felt really intimidated by them (without reason since most of them are really nice people). So I sat in the children's space, in a small bench, watching them play while I ate my lunch.

Sometimes a pair of students would look curiously at me, but wouldn't come near since I have a serious case of resting b!tch face. But all it took was a small smile from my part for them to run to me and ask me a few questions between giggles and surprised expressions.

They honest to God treated me like a celebrity (I work at a small town school). They were so excited to know about me, and how was my life in the city (since I live in the capital of my state, well... Near the capital). They were the sweetest, and they even shared their precious lunch with me.

The second day at work, they would all hug me when they saw me and ask me my age again and again since "you are like my mum's age, but you don't look like my mum at all".

The hardest to get to know where the oldest ones (6th grade), I believe they never saw me as their superior, since I was just 10 years their elder. But I got to know a lot of them once they started to open a bit, one of them, a girl, was an ARMY and she bought me posters and some thingies from BTS she found here and there, I was truly endeared (she wrote me letters & I never got the courage to tell her she addressed me with the wrong name 😭 I mean, it was close enough so I was happy anyways).

It's been 3 years since I started working there (3 years and a half), and the baby students that I meet there for the first time are in 5th grade now. And I kinda promised myself that I wouldn't relocate till I saw all of them graduate.

But now with the pandem!c happening it's been a whole year since I last saw them.

I'll acknowledge that I might not be the most patient person in the world, but I really enjoyed being there, not only teaching, helping them when they had a problem, listening to their jokes or their horror stories, playing UNO with them, finding their missing things, freaking out at someone's bleeding nose (istg I always get the goosebumps when they start bleeding out of nowhere).

They helped me a lot to get better. Even tho the 1 hour in bus trip to their community was a bit tiring I was really happy every time I saw them and hug them.

I wish that I get to see them all again, and I wish for them to be happy and healthy, I know that their situation right now might be difficult since most of them came from merchants parents. So with the low economy in these days I can already imagine all of the troubles they are having with daily life situations and school.

I might be updating on my life regularly now (not daily, but you know what I mean). Since this is my blog I decided that I can. After all writing has always helped me to reflect about life and having a place to vent when needed is precious. Since I'm facing a massive writers block, I'm doing this in hopes for it to FINALLY go away!

I didn't intend for this to be this long nor this "work focused" but, I just wanted to update you all: I'm alive! He he

And yeah, I'm still an ARMY.

Anyway I hope you all have an amazing day.

Yours, Lilh!

[lilhdram]

Life has been kicking my ass a lot lately, hence why I decided to delete tumblr for a bit. I’ve been feeling so out of it these past days.

It’s not like I posted a lot anyways lol

I just need time for myself...

So, this is a temporary goodbye I guess...

-

Después de tantos años, es un poco extraño. Siempre recurría a tumblr como mi espacio seguro. Pero a veces ya ni funciona bien :/ maldita app. Como sea.

Un tiempo alejada de toda red social me debería de hacer algo de bien, no?

Aunque más hermitaña no debería de ser posible.

Adiós.

[lilhdram]

yoongi: you will feel like falling for jimin when you look into his eyes

jimin: eye contact makes my heart flutter

they: 

[lilhdram]

- mono.

scans

[lilhdram]

181013 Namjoon’s Tweet

#지민생일ㅊㅋ 💕💕💕

#HappyBdayJimin 💕💕💕

Trans cr: Kristi @ allforbts © Please credit when taking out

[lilhdram]

[lilhdram]

happy birthday to our precious angel jimin! ♡

[lilhdram]

181013 J-Hope’s Tweet

Happy Birthday🎂✈️#JIMIN24thBirthday #JIMIN #지민생일ㅊㅋ pic.twitter.com/3mCphMePtH

Happy Birthday🎂✈️#JIMIN24thBirthday #JIMIN #HappyBdayJimin

Video Translation: V: —everyone! RM: Jimin, happy birthday! JK: Happy b-day! S&J&JH: Happy birthday to you~ BTS: Happy birthday to you~ JH: Happy birthday, Jimin! BTS: To Park Jimin whom we love~ BTS: Happy birthday to you~ V: Happy birthday!

Trans cr; Soren @ bts-trans © TAKE OUT WITH FULL CREDITS

[lilhdram]

HAPPYBIRHTDAYJIMINIE I Cant Believe He Is 23 Already My Baby Grew Up So Well I Hope He Is Resting Well And He Stays Happy Forever.

May God Bless You With Long Healthy And Beautiful Life Jiminie 💜💛

[lilhdram]

Happy birthday angel ♡

[lilhdram]

q: member i need when relieving my stress? bts: *all point to jimin* (requested by anon)

[lilhdram]

forgetful 94 liners

[lilhdram]

If you're fifteen or older an still sleep with a stuffed animal please reblog this.