You know those times when your head feels like fluff and you don’t really know what is going on but you’re just going with it?
That’s how I’ve been feeling lately.
I’m behind on so many parts of my life that I’m pretty sure I’m floating on an ambivalent cloud that is just uttering a whole lot of meh.
Study. Behind. By about 6 weeks. Meh.
Cleaning. Behind. By about a year. Meh.
Travel plans. Behind. And a lot of $$ short. Meh.
Emails. Behind. I’ve seen them but not replied at all. Meh.
Insurance claims. Behind. Could probably recoup some money to make up for what I’m currently spending. Meh.
Relationship. Very behind. Currently only participating enough to be kind, not enough to be or to share love. Meh.
Exercise. Behind. I bought a treadmill. I’ve used it once. Meh.
Friends. Behind. Health has been kicking my butt and doubt has been filling my head. Meh.
Me. Behind. Haven’t looked or felt like myself in quite a while. Not even sure if there’s a lot of me left inside anymore. Meh.
The list just continues. A whole lot of meh.
I don’t know where I lost my joy. I’m not even sure how long ago it was.
I don’t know what it feels like this more often than not. I’m not sad. I’m not happy. I’m just like the cream in the middle of the Oreo. Bland. Sometimes sweet. Never quite all on one side.
I don’t know where the reset button is. The accelerator or the go.
Just cruising. Trying not to rock any boats or cross any lines. Blending into the background and laying as low as I can.
So much so that I spoke to someone today and almost didn’t recognize the sound of my own voice. Almost squeaky and very pleasant.
Who knew? For I haven’t heard it in so long.
Maybe I need to go backwards to bring things forward again?
Or maybe I just need to rest and breathe some more.
Not sure. It’s just fluff. Fluffy bits and large clouds.
Hmm. So be it. For now. Before I remember how to make it so again.
Why do we hand our lives and our selves and our willingness and our hopes over to “medical professionals” if they just end up leaving us feeling like crap?
And not crap, in the physical sense. But emotionally. And mentally. Which in turn, I guess, becomes physical down the line.
I sat online for over 30 minutes today waiting for a zoom chat with my medical team. They had sent me at least 10 text messages and 3 emails confirming the appointment and then they didn’t bother to turn up.
No notice, no warning, no update, no reply to my messages of ‘where are you’. Nothing.
And yet, I’m supposed to hand myself over to them for advice and guidance and direction and hope and solutions and plans and all else.
Yet they can’t even honour an appointment. The only time I get presented with.
I think the frustration has been growing. It’s not a “one-off” event. More a culmination of small things that I’ve sought hard to suppress.
And all I can wonder is, how many other times and places I’ve allowed myself to feel this way. To think that it’s ok or to make excuses or exceptions because they’re just doing what they can.
And I still let it continue. I still let it be ok. Because I don’t want to make noise or cause problems or be bigger than I am.
The missed appointment likely won’t bother anyone else. They might not even notice that I had a small time of their day pencilled in. They probably won’t notice if I don’t return or try to rebook.
But my body is keeping count. It is adding up. I am remembering and marking the tally.
So yesterday was…yesterday. But why should roses have all the fun? Let’s all just take a moment to stop the scroll, smell the flowers (metaphorically, at least), and maybe we can collectively dream spring into existence. (Southern Hemisphere, I’m sorry. You’re warm, and so this missive is not for you. But please enjoy the pretty art regardless).
Adding to my page so that I can find it in future, before it becomes one of those things I remember but forgot but can’t find but know it’s here.
Hey I uhh spent a while looking through your health tag and I was wondering how do you manage to have the language to talk about your pain. To describe how it feels and where because right now I am a puddle of pain and can barely think well enough to to type this out let alone talk about my pain in a way that makes sense to someone who might be able to help or give advice.
I'm sorry to hear that :(
Unfortunately, Tumblr wiped out a bunch of the chronic pain tags when they did their NSFW purge, but I learned how to advocate for myself from other chronic illness bloggers, and also by working with a physical therapist (his tag on here is #magic physio man) who helped me to distinguish between different types of pain (sharp vs dull, acute vs chronic, radiating vs localized) and also how to rate them appropriately on those chronic pain chart doctor's have, taking into account that my baseline tolerance is much higher than the average person who doesn't live daily with chronic pain.
So say my baseline is a 5 daily, a new pain might push me to an overall 8, which is what I should relate to my doctor, not that the new pain is only a 3. If that makes sense. He got me to use the Defense and Veterans Pain Rating Scale to describe my pain, which is actually one of the more helpful pain scales out there:
Link to download PDF here (x)
Not every physician will be familiar with this scale, and you don't even need to tell them which scale you're using (I don't. Some doctors get surly over patients bringing this sort of thing to their own appointment, so I wait to see how they handle my care first before I bring my own resources to them), but it gives you the language to better convey your pain in terms the physician will relate to, and also what number you are realistically at.
From what you're describing to me just now, you're in the severe zone where your ability to focus is impeded. If I were telling a physician this, I would let them know my pain is around a 7-8, making it hard to focus, and prevents my ability to do daily tasks.
I would then describe what kind of pain it is, i.e.
Radiating: not in one place, possibly body-wide
Localized: restricted to a certain area, e.g. a toothache
Acute: sudden onset, usually from an illness or injury or surgery
Chronic: has lasted over 12 weeks, possibly a result of injury/illness or an unknown cause. (migraines fall into this category)
Followed by a descriptor like:
Achy
Stiff
Burning
Stabbing or piercing
Raw
Cramping
Throbbing
Tiring
Heavy
Tender (sensitive to touch)
Shooting
Sickening
Other things they will ask include:
Does anything make it better/worse?
What pain relief methods have you tried?
Does it get worse throughout the day?
Does it prevent you from getting restful sleep?
How does this affect your mood?
I'm sure I've missed something, but I hope some of that is helpful for you and maybe gives you some of the language needed to advocate for your pain. Take care, and I hope you get relief soon!
When you find yourself searching on the internet for the answers to “how to know if your relationship is over”, does that mean it’s already over and you’re just convincing yourself? Or that you’re hoping for something that suggests that there is still more life in it than what you currently can see or feel?
“You will never find peace by trying to figure out everything all at once. That’s a recipe for overthinking, constant rumination and mental exhaustion. Why not choose to blossom instead for just a little bit day by day? Grow the small habits, the small ideas, and the small changes instead for just one step at a time. Cultivate your capacity for mindful awareness by doing just one task at a time and see where those soft bits of choices lead you. Then you can erupt in abundance starting from there.”
How to love a broken girl. How many would benefit from an instruction book for that? Its easy to love the carefree girls, the “normal” girls, the confident girls next door, but what about the broken girls? The girls with fortresses around their heart and shields in their eyes? The girls whose souls have aged beyond their earthly years? The girls with bodies and minds that have survived wars which would break the strongest of men? Sometimes these girls should come with a warning label. The warning pendulum swings both ways. This warning is not only for how you must treat her but for all the ways she will ruin you.
1. You cannot love her gently. She does not realize she deserves to be loved. You must love her with a force that can crush mountains. You must burn her soul so hot with your love that doubt melts away. Your love must be unconditional and you must show her on her very worst days.
2. She doesnt know shes beautiful. She can get compliments all day and she wont believe it. There is a demon on her shoulder whispering that its not true. It takes a dozen compliments to erase one hurtful torment from her past. Shower her with compliments, be her cheerleader, until your words are her heartbeat instead of her doubts.
3. Chase her. I know we often have the attitude of not chasing anyone. I know it is said to be weak if we chase someone who walks away, but we need to see you are weak for us. Sometimes a broken girl needs to see how much you need her. She needs to.see that vulnerability in your eyes to feel ok. We need you to need us.
4. She needs routine. Broken girls over analyze everything. They notice everything, too. Did you stop asking her for pictures after some time passes? Did you stop using a pet name? Every broken pattern to us means the end of the only thing we have ever wanted and it terrifies us.
5. Smother us with affection. Touch us. Kiss us. Touch us some more. Broken girls have not experienced enough positive affection in their life. We will absorb every ounce as a person dying of thirst demands water. You cannot shower us with enough of a good touch.
6. Be honest and keep promises. Broken girls have not dared to dream much. Every vow made to us has been broken. Every promise has been a lie. We would rather you never let a promise escape your lips than have you utter false ones.
7. Prepare to drown. If we let you inside our chaotic soul, you will be immersed in a madness you will not understand. We sometimes walk the balance beam of insanity and sometimes we fall.
The biggest warning we should have is this.. if we love you, it is forever. We will love you with a loyalty that will amaze you. We will be committed and our heart will beat your name. While we are still broken we will try to devour all of your pain. We will be perceptive to your wounds and eager to heal your soul. If we love you, please be prepared that we will forever stay.
***This was not written by me, but by Lady-Savant on fet, she gave me permission to post, and asked no links be added.
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