lilstunnersbook - Tumblr blog

[lilstunnersbook]

https://youtu.be/KEtrfKJF2Ac

I have this thing with associating songs and moments; whenever something happens I’d find a song that best describes it. And every time I listen or hear the song, my brain would play the memory and as if I relive the moment again.

Tonight caught me by surprise. This song was playing i suddenly remember all the days i cried in the car wishing i had one more moment, one more time to be with her. I cried a lot when she betrayed me, I felt rejected so hard like it was slammed on my face. But there I was waiting in front of her house playing this song over and over again and praying that I’d get that one more chance. I remember I was waiting and i called her house; didnt know what i was gonna say or who it might be on the other end, she picked up and i panicked then i hung up.

Fast forward, 12 years and some battle scars later, i had that moment finally. But i guess the pain was so deep that i couldnt fully comply to the moment. And yea, you know how it ended, aint gonna tell it over and over again.

But now every time my brain plays one of those moments, i kinda have this devil-angel-on-your-shoulders thing. Where one side of me just wants to be okay with her, you know, all the good things (i guess there is some fuel left in the tank), but the other part just wants go and tells me “you shouldnt be here, we should go”.

I mean, i cant look at her the same again, both in a good way and in a bad way. In a sense, i’m afraid to go down that rabbit hole again, but i wanna know if she’s alright. But i know she’s been bad, however, she was a part of my life too. I feel so torn in between. I wish it was her that i’m gonna marry. i wish she didnt do all of it.

I guess what the fortune-teller said was right. And i’m just paying my dues in this lifetime.

[lilstunnersbook]

https://open.spotify.com/track/02H2oSkxn9v9MgJut5vXwL?si=hw_2ujTSRheTDWfRDBfong

[lilstunnersbook]

So i guess i bought my car some time in march 2008, and we started around mid 2008. I remember i was in Aus for winter and she called me from Bandung asking mu shirt size. Say July 2008 and i dated the girl after her around December; therefore, im guessing this plate was made around September 2008. Because not long after this was made she betrayed me; give or take a month after this was made. So October 2008 was the last time I used this plate. Twelve years later here we are. Today’s Christmas and im decluttering, and i feel this has to go.

[lilstunnersbook]

Funny you gave me a watch when time was all we needed

[lilstunnersbook]

I saw him today (12/12/2020) and i had flashbacks of those chat i found. i just couldn’t wrap my head around of her being a wrecked mess, juggled between those two guys. I was juggled between those two guys. If she really did fall in love with me, shouldnt she have stayed and prooved her point instead of sleeping around with those two people? They went to jogja together behind my back. I know we werent together that time, but that proved my point that her will was (or is) very very weak. If she did want me, she would have asked me to go to jogja instead of that dickhead. And worse, look at how her friend just “supporting” her by telling her to go for the other guy if one doesn’t give her happiness. Such a cheap way of burying your friend deeper to a blackhole, and what boggles me she still considers debrina as a good friend.

I’ll be honest, she’s kinda changed. But i dont know if these changes are temporary. And once she goes back to jakarta or meet her “bestfriend”, will history repeat itself? Oh well, why would i care anyways

[lilstunnersbook]

You had me all, you really did. But you also handled me wrong. I tried my best, i gave it all i had. How much did i have to loose to make you finally realised?! And when you did it’s far too late, you’ve gone beyond saving. Those days when your fists were clenched, eyes closed, ear muffed, mouth shut. You turned away from me for so many times. I tried everything i could to knock some sense to you, all those effort i did, but you kept on choosing douches. And when you did choose me, you didnt even want to acknowledge the damage you did, you didnt even want to admit what have you been doing during those time when i suffered. I have left and I won’t be there anymore. I lost myself once, and this time i have rebounded a lot faster than before. I did want you, i really did.

[lilstunnersbook]

Sorry I relapsed gus, i thought you were strong enough, and you’d be ready to face this all over again. I built our wall so high but i broke it down way too fast. We should really leave it, the more we try to work on it, the more i realise it wont work out and the more it hurts you. I knew it was gonna end up like this, but i threw cautions to the wind in hope that she was gonna be the one. We’re better than this, we have fought the battle. We won this time, we have proven whatever there’s to be proven. We have said what we had been wanting to say all these years. This is enough. She still doesn’t get us, she doesn’t know how to tame the monster she created, she doesn’t know how to solve the problems she creates. We have resolved. We gotta get going. She’s not the one and this isnt our fight.

[lilstunnersbook]

https://youtu.be/dKMm5w_wFog

I played this song when my godfather passed away and i thought to myself how fickle life can be. Like, “what do you know?” You thought you had everything under control, but then life throws a curve ball.

It’s the same with every relationship. When you thought you were safe or it could be you were just joking, it could turn ugly. Such is life.

I used to say to myself if i ever had a time machine i would change this and that. But i guess if i had one i wouldnt change a thing, i just want to live the moment twice.

But what do you know?

[lilstunnersbook]

https://youtu.be/n1p74Isbcgc

I remember when this song came out and i just like “what the f”. Every word just fits, especially the bridge. Every. Single. Fucking. Word.

Every time that moment came around i know, for sure, she’d leave me bleeding. I wished i could have moments with her and keep stretching it until she realised how much I sacrificed myself for her. But back then once we said goodbye, i know that there was gonna be someone else taking my spot.

And thats what i felt today. Im a nobody now and even though he’s just her prodigy, it brought back pain from those days. The days where i would feel so helpless literally, i couldnt change her mind because i was thousand miles away while they snuck up and stole her.

Why after all those years, after all what i have been thru this time around, it still hurts?!

[lilstunnersbook]

Well yea, sad that it ended. Call it weird, but everyone has their own path in life; mine just happened to intertwine with her. I finally was able to prove myself, and i finally got the closure i very much needed from ages ago. As in proof that I could treat her right, that my love was so big. At least I’m not ghosted this time.

I fell in love with her all over again during our time. Time was all i needed to heal and to trust again. Iya caraku salah, indirectly telling her that her effort isnt good enough. I should have focused on her progress, on our relationship. But it was too much for us to bear. I felt it in the last couple of weeks, i felt that my time was gonna be up soon. I will never win and it would be very selfish of me pitting her and her family.

Oh well, chapter’s closed. Got my closure, proved my point, what else could i ask. It was fun while it lasted. Thanks for giving us a chance. C’est la vie, I’m out. 今までありがとうな B 😊

[lilstunnersbook]

Finally

[lilstunnersbook]

I hope you dont get tired of me. I know i can be a much pain in the ass, nothing can justify that, but deep down im just too scared of what we might be. I want to scream “save me” but i cant do it, and i’d just come across as needy.

Every time i miss you i get so attached, and i really do wonder if you are annoyed

[lilstunnersbook]

Sometimes i wonder if i get to cuddle that nose and kiss those lips everyday

[lilstunnersbook]

Can we talk more? Can we?

I understand we’ve got job to do, but when evening comes i too understand you want your time with your family. But every night when you call, i dont have time to tell you about my day. Yes you are tired, i know. It’s just me

[lilstunnersbook]

Everything i’ve ever dreamed about, everything i worked hard for, it got put on a sudden stop

When will this suspended animation end?

I have worked on myself so hard and successfully rose above hatred

But what is it this time

Anger? Fear? Hatred? Love? Happines? Anxious?

What is it

I have never questioned myself this bad

What do i fear? What angers me?

I didnt come this far to sink and be sunk this low

What more do i have to prove? Is this my fight? Against what?

I bit the bullet for you all these years, but are you gonna do the same? Are you gonna save me too?

Am i worth saving? Or my a lost cause? But in my eyes you are not

I dont even know what im feeling for the first time in 28 years of my existence

[lilstunnersbook]

I cant forgive them, i just cant. I’ve never met them but they have destroyed me. I have to forgive, thats what my religion says, but how can i forgive them. I want them dead, slowly and painfully. They dont deserve to be happy, even to be alive. They are just a waste of oxygen. There are more innocent souls to save than them. I know it’s not entirely their fault, she allowed them to enter her life, but if they did not exist, it wouldnt be like this. 1 cheap-ass whore and 2 hobos. I bet they have fucked together before, cus she’s so cheap. Please go die and rot in hell.

[lilstunnersbook]

Same old story just different devil

The space between insane and insecure