lily-mj-fae

[lily-mj-fae]

Quest for Camelot (1998)

[lily-mj-fae]

This is the first year I haven't made a pumpkin pie for today in 3 years. And I'm trying to see the positive side (didn't have to find time to bake, didn't have to deal with the smell that makes me nauseous since pumpkin pie pies that in general for me) but it's definitely hurting. I happily did that for him, for his birthday. And in the 3 birthdays I was with him, her put effort into one... And then didn't partake and didn't even do most of the work.

Relationships ending, suck. Dealing with the complicated grief and emotions that go with it, is rough.

[lily-mj-fae]

I'm sitting at red lobster, alone.

It's been two months since I called off my engagement. Two months since I called off my relationship. Two months since it felt like my world came crashing down.

I've decided to date myself. Obviously, I'm not ready to date yet. But I need to feel better being with myself. So I'm treating myself in little ways. Last week I went to a tea service. Today it's red lobster. Just little things to feel good and get used to being on my own. I know I'm not alone, I have my friends. But things changed and I just need to do something.

And there is something freeing being at a table in a restaurant, eating good that makes me happy, not caring that there's not another soul with me.

[lily-mj-fae]

Sometimes I like to use Tumblr as a diary. A place I can post life updates on long form without being completely bombarded by texts and calls from people. Not that I don't know people here, is just a different vibe. So read below the cut for I guess the recent events. The tldr is life sucks, but I got a new car and as so I'm feeling pretty high

The long story is:

Until last month, I was engaged to be married this August. I was excited for it. I was in love and just looking forward to it.

Then my fiance started a severe speak of mental health. He lost like 4 jobs in the span of 3 months. Was impulsively spending and selling. He was angry and irritable all the time. Simple questions even set him off. He started seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist, but he was in crisis mode acting like he was just needing basic maintenance. It wasn't working. I was trying to do what I could, not my mental health was at risk because of the way he treated me, and it was a mess.

The anger kept building. Lines were crossed. I am okay. He didn't hit me (because that's everyone's first thought). But he did cross a line. And emotionally I'm wrecked. I had to call it off. He seems to think he has Bipolar, but he needs to seek proper treatment and he's not. I'm crushed. But I had to.

So I cancelled with all the vendors. I'm stuck with a wedding dress I can't wear. I can show people here I guess to get some enjoyment out of it. My roommate and I also have to move too. Thankfully a friend is moving with us and we have a good set up. But it's a lot.

And so with all of that, I decided to finally get a cat. I mean the universe was literally screaming at me to. My step dad had like 3 feral cats have kittens in his yard (which unfortunately most have not survived) and then I was looking online at pets for adoption and found one who looks just like my childhood cat and had my name... Literally. So today I drove 8 hours round trip to get her. And let me tell you. She's worth it.

[lily-mj-fae]

Is there some new scam going around where people try to get you to commission them for fanart of your fanfics by phrasing it as a collab or something?

In the last month I've gotten 3 messages to my FFN account along those lines.

Also i apologize if it's more like people being genuine and anyone takes this ofensively. I work at a credit union and know how rampant scams are

[lily-mj-fae]

I FINALLY got around to writing and finishing and publishing the second part of my Elain/ Tarquin fic. So here it is to enjoy

[lily-mj-fae]

I feel crazy. I swore when i first discovered that winter widow was comic Canon, that the post i found had 4 black widow comics with her and the winter soldier in cutsy shippy poses that went together. I have two (I'm gonna have to double check them when i get home)

But when i try to Google it, i can't find them. I'm asking Tumblr for help!

[lily-mj-fae]

Once upon a time i found a post that told me about winter widow being Canon. I swore it held 4 comics that went together (i think all were black widow) with winter widow covers of cuteness (Google pictures below because at the time of posting I'm not home to post the ones i managed to find)

Am i crazy? Was there not 4??? Tumblr please help

[lily-mj-fae]

Moodboard for Acorn (10th Kingdom)

[lily-mj-fae]

(Big Bad) Wolf from the 10th Kingdom moodboard

[lily-mj-fae]

"I can't speak for [J.K. Rowling's] intentions because those are her own, and she wrote this well before current events were happening," Alison Sudol tells Exclaim! "Although it is very timely now."

"It is well noted that loneliness really puts people in a very vulnerable position, and people who are in a vulnerable position are more likely to be brought into things that are more extreme. They're like lambs being led into the lion's den," Sudol says. "When you're vulnerable and lost and then suddenly somebody is kind to you and gives you love and gives you tenderness and takes care of you in some way, that creates a huge indebtedness. From there, the likelihood that you're going to follow them anywhere is much higher."

"As a woman, I'm in my 30s and I'm much more in touch with myself than when I was younger," she explains. "When you have something about you that is different and is unwelcomed by other people — it could be something quite powerful, quite good, quite special, but you don't think that it's so; creativity or your voice or an ability or whatever it is — if there's part of you that you feel you have to put away or compartmentalize, then you're not going to be fully in touch with your intuition, because you're not whole, you're not integrated.

"Queenie is always so busy listening to everyone else that I don't think that she's learned how to listen to herself," Sudol continues. "If she had a better sense of her intuition, I think that she would have made different decisions. She just doesn't quite know herself yet. Unfortunately, you have to go through a painful journey in order to learn how to listen to that voice. I know so many women that have, and usually it's not very pretty, but if you can use the hard rocky road that you go down as lessons learned, it's actually a very powerful journey to go on."

"I feel like I have a lot of authorship in her," Sudol says. "Of course Jo [Rowling] wrote her, but I just feel like there is a lot that I was able to bring to her that I might not have been able to if there had been a more concrete understanding of her from a book."

"I hope that when people watch this they remember that love is driving all of these things," she says. "For Queenie, the choices that she's making may seem out of character, but if you think about what she's been through — the fact that her sister isn't there for her when she needs her — I would hope that people stay with her as a character on her bumpy ride."

[lily-mj-fae]

One of my favorite things about my real life is that when I was little, I was obsessed with The Cutting Edge

And in a little over a year, I will be a Dorsey. Some how I managed to find myself a man with that last name xD

[lily-mj-fae]

Soooo Umm...yes this is still in the works. I'm on page 19. Working on it right now.

I hate my brain sometimes

I am still working on my Elain/Tarquin piece. And I know it’s long overdue xD but i’ve got a good start (at 9 pages). It’s just getting to where I want it to be. Like this is why i don’t plot things because getting to those events is what drags me down xD 

Anyway, i’m writing this post because i forget sometimes when I’m writing in first person, and then i have to go back and fix anywhere from a few paragraphs to just a word or two because i slipped into third….xD

[lily-mj-fae]

h&c 2022 gift exchange | gone home. (for deediva / esmalt)

[lily-mj-fae]

Sounds good

[lily-mj-fae]

the one thing Dumbledore did right: give Jacob the wand

[lily-mj-fae]

I can understand. But it might help to look at the bigger picture for some of those things, and close up for some. Because the actions she made were not made in malice, or cruelty, but rather desperation and...well hard though it is to believe, love. Does that make the choices okay? Excuse them? No of course not. But it is what makes the difference between being entirely unforgiveable or not. So this is simply a look at the more human/emotional/irrational factors within said decisions. And you don’t have to read or agree of course. But if you want her to be redeemed, this just might help find forgiveness. There’s a reason people like Grindelwald come into power. Charisma, manipulation, misdirection. And in this case (though it applies to many real world counterparts of someone being drawn in by a maniplator), Queenie can’t just turn back and change her mind. It’s not that simple. Even if she wanted to the second she crossed the flames, or set foot in Nurmengard, she didn’t have that option unless she wanted to lose her life. We all know it to be true because we saw what happened to those that turned against Grindewald. If she’s going to get out, she has to play along until she can get out.

And again. This is not excusing her actions. Simply a disection of them. And why, at least this girl, thinks that Queenie could have forgiveness. She apologized to Jacob. And I think if it hadn’t been in the setting it was, followed by the rally instantly. If they’d been able to take a step away from whatever Grindelwald started in that meeting (and I still think that teapot was too insistent and think there was a potion in the tea), then she would have had a chance to move beyond the emotional stage. 

And Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m alone. But I want to see Queenie forgiven. I want to see her and Jacob work out. I want to see her and Tina repair their relationship. Also this got way too long xD So I really don’t blame anyone for not reading

The thing to look closely at is the love potion/spell with Jacob. Now, yes. Surface level, it seems pretty straight forward. She just decided to enchant Jacob because she got tired of waiting. But there’s a very important question to look at. Why did she go to Newt? The one person who knew both her and Jacob. She wasn’t particularly close to Newt. In fact, while I wouldn’t say he hates her or even dislikes her, he certainly is comfortable around her (fair enough). But he cares probably just as much about Jacob as she does. And what happens while visiting? Suddenly her enchantment slips. Reveals itself to Newt. Now, Queenie is not stupid. Has never shown herself to be terribly stupid. In fact, she’s rather clever when she wants to be. So why risk blowing the whole plan, by going to see the only person who stood a chance at noticing something was up. Not to mention, in the end, Jacob wasn’t even mad at her. And he’s the one who’s forgiveness needs to be earned. That’s his decision to make alone. And ultimately he was over it before he left London.

While I can’t say if I’m right or wrong, I have my own theories (MACUSA becoming suspicious of the bakery because of the creatures and wanting to send someone to make sure he was truly Obliviated and Queenie panicking that he’d choose to forget again. Or even just to get him into the hands of someone safe because she knew things were going to go down).

But that’s where the bigger picture comes into play with how Queenie ends up joining Grindewald (assuming my pipe dream of it being a spy game the whole time isn’t true. I doubt it is, but a girl can dream). 

Queenie grows up in the magical world. She’s raised, more or less in a world where No-majs are forbidden. Because they would hate the wizarding world. Hunt them. Destroy them. That’s the mentality (and we even see it start to play out in the first movie). She’s never spoken to one, which even implies that she never even got to speak to one set of grandparents, since as a half blood, she was raised by a Pureblood witch or Wizard who married a No-maj born of the other. (She’s never spoken to a no-maj, so unless her parents died before she could speak or remember them, it can’t be a no-maj). Then she meets Jacob. Who basically blows all of that out of the water. Falls for him. This challenges her faith in the government, in everything she’s learned growing up.

You also look at her legilimency. Queenie might have been born with the talent, might not need a wand or spell like most do to use it, but it’s obviously surface level only. And her control on it is minimal. We never see her pull anything that isn’t at the forefront of someone’s mind. The “strongest” bit we get from her is when Newt and Tina are in trouble in the first movie. That’s it. Everything else there is nothing that isn’t there. Sam clearly saw one (or both) girls he was seeing and thought about her. Queenie likely knew about the one relationship as everyone else did. So she learns about the cheating in that moment. Newt’s thoughts about Leta are simple. And this is why (in part) she can’t read the truth in Grindewald. Queenie asked about her. And Newt started to think about her. She’s also constantly in a state of do/don’t. Look at the scene where Queenie, Jacob and Newt are having dinner. Newt literally thinks at her “you’ve enchanted him” then tells her NOT to read him.....while thinking at her again. She never got training, and is treated like a nusance or inconvenience. It overwhelms her because she’s been treated very much like Elsa. Not “Let’s practice so you can control it,” but more like “Just don’t do it.” It doesn’t work like that for her. It’s not like she decided to learn the spell and is using it daily, it’s an essential part of her magic. That’s part of what made Jacob special. He didn’t hate her for it. He praised her for it....until he didn’t. Enter Grindewald, who doesn’t just praise her for it, but says it’s a gift. That she’s special. Doesn’t treat her like a burden. (And more than anything I hope she does learn to harness and truly control her gift. Because Villain or good guy, that gift would terrifying to whoever she turns it against).

Then there’s her relationship with Tina. Her sister, the only person she’s had left of her family. I would say there’s a strong chance their relationship started to shift, crack, when Tina nearly lost her job entirely because of her interference with Credence. Now, I’m not saying that I think Queenie wouldn’t support Tina defending a child. But we’d all be deluding ourselves if we said it didn’t affect them. That would have changed their finances. But that’s when Tina started to NOT do what she was supposed to at work. Wasn’t keeping out of trouble. Was likely one moderate mistake away from actually being fired. Which would have REALLY put them in a bind. Tina is the one who brings a no-maj into their home. Tina is the one who introduces her to the man that changes her life. They get into all this trouble. Jacob “forgets” and Queenie is forced to trying to go back to normal. Except she can’t, cause who could after all that. While not addressed in COG, WB and Ali and Katherine have remarked on the changes in their relationship. That Tina does’t approve of Queenie seeing Jacob. Not to mention, Tina is still not playing by the rules. Tina is mad at Queenie for not playing by the rulles, and still isn’t. Neither sister is right. Her trip to Paris isn’t work related. It’s Credence related. That’s what Queenie learns when she goes to the french Ministry. If Tina were there for work, the ministry would have known. Much like our own world, cops don’t go into other jurisdictions on a job without permission. Certainly not out of country. Tina lied to her. Their relationship is on the rocks. 

Speaking of relationships. Jacob. Queenie. She goes back after realizing herself he might not have forgotten everything. They start a relationship. One that has to be secret. One that can’t progress because Jacob won’t. Because, if we’re being honest, he’s probably scared. For so many valid reasons. Sure he has his bakery, and there’s no promise of success if he goes anywhere else. He’s making a choice just as critical as hers if she wants to be with him

All of this accumulates to Queenie hitting rock bottom. She’s figuring out who she is, Alison herself has said this. And unfortunately, in those lowest of the low feelings, those feelings of loneliness, desperation, and being completely and utterly lost, can overwhelm a person and they’ll make the wrong decision. Can easily be manipulated and mislead. Can lash out in a desire to prove themselves. As it very much feels what happened to queenie.

I want to see Queenie Redeemed. I want to see her earn forgiveness. Do I think the movie will perfect it? Nope. Not at all. But I think they can give it a base at the very least. And the fandom can build. 

But even the trailer gives us a sign. Where Jacob’s wand is clearly causing trouble, and Grindewald and crew are leaving, Queenie flicks her own wand while looking back. It’s a trailer, so we’re not seeing the full picture. But it instantly looked like a move to protect Jacob or even deceive Grindy. In the end, she’s a girl who got in way over her head. And is dealing with the consequences of it. 

I want Queenie to have a redemption arc, but I honestly don't know if I can forgive her. First she roofied Jacob, and then she joined wizard Hitler. I feel like they ruined a character who had such an amazing capacity for kindness in the first film.