limerenture

[limerenture]

i feel really unworthy and unlovable lately but like atleast i have really nice tits so maybe if i don't lose any weight i can be someone's live in fetish doll. i don't actually get to ask for things like unconditional love that isn't based on some dude wanting to stick it in me so ill either die alone or die used i guess ill just pick my poison🤞

[limerenture]

im just staring at my hollow face in the mirror and holding back tears. she doesnt even look like me. i dont know what i am anymore i honestly feel like i have no worth or identity. i don't wanna celebrate this.. I feel horrible. i dont wanna celebrate. i hate getting on this app to get reminded of you and what you actually think of me. maybe its time to actually end things

[limerenture]

im supposed to be happy today. it was supposed to be celebratory. but im just upset writing vents and deleting them and feeling shitty like always. are you even actually happy?

[limerenture]

i just wanna give up honestly, being in this isn't worth it, my mind never feels okay. i know my unimportance now i know how little i actually mean to you and it just keeps haunting me. i have to delude myself into thinking im anything but a sex doll to feel something good, trying to be so attractive and honestly acting like a slut is the only thing that makes me feel wanted anymore, and then i see things and im just reminded that im an aching wound for you, that there's nothing but embarrassment there.. that im never gonna be good enough and. idk i have to remind myself the good things but even then everyone including you is telling me "don't take them seriously dont take it close to heart dont let yourself feel anything" I feel like im keeping myself closed and tightly wound for you all the time.

[limerenture]

god god god GOD GOS DONT MAKE ME THROW UP O THINK OF HIM AND I WANT TO POUND ALL MY THOUGHTS OUT OF MY HEAD

[limerenture]

i hate how he makes me feel something, it makes me feel insecure and vulnerable and beneath him. i feel like he's the person ive loved the most and im so horrible and fucked up and thats why he doesn't even love me, i just wanna have half as much control over him as he does over me.

[limerenture]

seeing something you didn't wanna see right before bed and then you're all alone, no one is here for you and you have to sit with it turning in your stomach and making you feel sick and thinking about them together and all the things you dont know and how unbearable your imagination can be trying to convince yourself its not true and begging to God just why not you why can't it be you why are you not enough why are you not blessed why did it have to be this way why can't you be special why does he have to be so important and now you're back to thinking how every morning you wonder why you've woken up just to have the same thoughts on repeat and its like youre living the same isolated day over and over again and you feel so sick of yourself and so exhausted with being obsessed but you don't know how to stop and you've always been like this and god now you still just want to be so special and your therapist told you to try open focus meditation but is it gonna work it won't fix the void in your life it won't fix that every time you're hugged you want it to be him it won't fix that it feels like you're a husk walking around begging please, give me your face, please, let me be human for a little while, it helps if i live in your skin, i wanna be a little safer but you know how disgusting it is to ask that of someone so every time you see his face you feel it deep in your bones that you can't ever be good enough let alone for him and God why are you so fixated? can you get a fucking grip? you have all the good in your life staring at you and you cant enjoy any of it for what? but shaming yourself doesn't feel good enough its enough of a punishment to live like this so you won't send that text first you won't call you won't even let yourself say his name because it worms in your stomach just knowing how much he would hate you if he even just saw inside your brain and all these horrible tender things that you want and you think its never been more cruel to love someone but you deserve it because your love is rotten and ugly and unwanted like you are.

[limerenture]

"im sorry I wasn't clearer about that" SHUT UP DHUT UP DHUT UP SHUTT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT THE FUCK UP

[limerenture]

impulsivity in bpd can be cutting and dyeing your hair, but it’s also frying and destroying your hair to a point where it’s completely ruined and you’re self conscious of it everyday.

impulsivity in bpd can be having an attitude and saying some petty things to people, but it’s also ruining every good friendship and relationship you’ve ever had and you can’t stop yourself from sabotaging everything, so you end up alone in a deep pit.

impulsivity in bpd can be having some drinks, doing dr*gs, or having a lot of meaningless sex. but it’s also relying on drinking and dr*gs so much that you’re completely off your face all time and it ruins your image and every aspect of your life. and it’s also no one wanting a relationship with you because you “sleep around” or “probably have an std”.

impulsivity in bpd can be browsing an fps facebook. but it’s also stalking their every move online and their every step in the real world constantly because you need them so bad. you can’t live without knowing if they’re okay, knowing what they’re doing, knowing if they’re leaving you for someone else, etc.

the list goes on. us borderlines post a lot of shit about bpd, and in my personal case, laughing it off and sharing it to others makes me feel a bit better and i know that it makes others feel less alone knowing that other people are doing the same horrendous shit. but stop romanticising being obsessive, quirky, impulsive, and having an attitude. it’s fucking painful. the emotional aspect is PHYSICALLY painful. watching the world crumble around us because most of us can’t fucking stop ourselves is painful. the withdrawals from substances, s/h, etc because we are so prone to addiction is PAINFUL. i’m all for supporting our fellow borderlines and cluster b peoples, but STOP self diagnosing to be “trendy”. i’m not on about self diagnosing, etc if you’re certain and it means you’re getting the support that you absolutely need. everyone is deserving of help, whether healthcare wants to agree or not, EVERYONE deserves the help they need. but stop trying to make bpd sound fun. being euphoric is fun, the rest of it IS NOT. ITS FUCKING PAINFUL. thank u bye 💕

(ps. i hate making rant posts about this, but seeing people act like bpd is a “fun choice” in life pisses me the fuck off, every day is just pure fucking suffering. the people romanticising and hyping this shit up are the same people who will talk shit about any cluster b who is showing symptoms or having one hell of an episode. but this NEEDS to be out there x)

(edit: the amount of support i’ve had on this is unreal 😭❤️ i tried to word this the best i can but when i have a lot to say it often comes out making no fucking sense at all or something comes off the wrong way. i saw someone reply about the yanderes shit. I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. i don’t know why the fuck people fetishise it, it makes me feel disgusting to have an fp even if i’m keeping as far away from them as possible. and also the “euphoric is fun”, i still do a lot of embarrassing and over the top shit when i’m euphoric that i regret. but in the moment, the happiness i feel i just embrace now because it’s not been often that i ever get to feel like that. thank you so much for the likes and reblogs, i really hope this post has helped y’all. I LOVE YOU ALL ❤️)

[limerenture]

The struggle of wanting attention and appreciation but also fearing that asking for those things makes you entitled and needy and then the anger that comes with the thought that well if they actually loved you and cared about you then you wouldn't need to beg for scraps of affection and attention

[limerenture]

I wonder what he would think of me if he saw this blog

[limerenture]

what am i doing wrong love, why are you suddenly ignoring me?? please i wanna talk so bad

[limerenture]

whenever people don't respond to me its really embarrassing.. it makes me reconsider everything i said and every interaction we've had and i start to think people secretly hate me.

but when HE doesn't respond im holding in my emotions trying to convince myself im normal when really im terrified. its so overwhelming and eventually i just break down in tears n stop texting him, just for him to respond a couple days later or something and its all fine again. it hurts my brain so bad but i can't say anything or ill look crazy.

bpd w avoidant boys is the worst. :(

[limerenture]

WOW im split tonight. crying and rocking back and forth and loving because holy shit i love him so much. i don't care if he's lying i don't care if he's manipulating me if it makes me hurt thats what i deserve because thats what he wants <33333 oh my god i love you so so much

[limerenture]

im actually insane. i wanna do so many things for him. please please please can i sit on his lap and let him cut my thighs a little and pile the dribbling blood onto his fingers then make me lick it off HHEHRBRBBGNG HMGM H HMGMGMH.

[limerenture]

i have my fp back!!!💗💗💗 this blog is abt to get so horny im such a dog omg. he's the cutest thing ever i love talking to him sm sm sm

[limerenture]

im so angry. i hate myself for texting and giving him the chance to hurt me, which he obviously took because he fucking loves doing it. im so sick of this