lines-of-a-fatalist

[lines-of-a-fatalist]

take more vitamins

go for a walk

sober up solid

self soothe when it’s dawn.

still go to class

birth control switch

your phone is the enemy

you’re just a kid.

go to the movies

don’t sleep too late

stop eating meat

it all feels so fake.

cry during therapy

cry during meals

forget that its happening

forget that you’re real.

in your childhood home

curl up in your bed

inpatient facility

a lifetime of dread

HIII I AM SO TIRED OF HEARING EVERYONES OPINION ON MY MENTAL HEALTH ALL THE TIME! It’s like everyone trying to be nice and helpful but i feel insane trying to like take recommendations and take care of myself and remember 9 pills a day and like quit everything all of a sudden. like i know i need to help myself but this shit is so draining and i don’t want to like lose every aspect of my quality of life that i had before yanno? it’s just hard and weird.

[lines-of-a-fatalist]

i’m 20 years old and unfortunately can’t even be drunk at this frat. i’m weird and i’m anxious and i’m always thinking about where all our shit came from. here’s a poem about all the fast fashion at the frat!

and the blood seeps so

shoes pavement and snow

needle and thread

thoughts of the dead

and who bought my soul?

is fate all i know?

situational luck

cheap nicotine and blood

and blood and blood and blood

and it’s rich and it’s poor

and i’ll never know more

laces and shoes

and temu jewels

and we can’t be free

predetermined destiny

[lines-of-a-fatalist]

yet they made my clothes

and i’m drunk eating chips

and none of it is fair

and i can’t control this shit

and a robot takes my dishes

and they beg for a next meal

and it’s all because of fate

and i don’t know how to feel

i’m sick to my stomach

none of this feels real

but i still love my friends

and i’ll eat my next meal

being alive isn’t a choice

so i’ll make the most

take a drink at the game

and raise a toast

we will be okay

and this shit is real

at a mexican restaurant

it’s how i feel!!!!!!!!!!!!

[lines-of-a-fatalist]

i walk to the building and back to my car

i smoke and smoke and smoke like that might be more bearable

i’m trying to be alive more often but it’s annoying as fuck and it gets in the way of the sinking

the sinking is familiar but cold, it wraps me up and pretends to be a blanket, but the further down i go and the tighter it wraps around me, the colder and colder it gets

rising is hard and takes energy that can be hard to find. staying sunk is easy. But a part of you will yearn to rise. It will see you everyone up there basking in the light.

rising takes help and work. rising makes you sore and hungry and sick.

but when you reach the light, don’t tell me it wasn’t worth it.

today i am rising, though i crave the dark cold depths of the sink, i know that today rising isn’t just about me, it’s about being a person people don’t sink into.

[lines-of-a-fatalist]

i feel like i’m making an impossible decision

i want a break

what if it breaks me

pushing through is all i’m used to

will relief be too sweet?

[lines-of-a-fatalist]

lunch alone!

this has been a bit of a challenge since labor day (D day basically) so even tho i used weed im proud of myself for cooking and eating! i’m almost half way thru 😽

[lines-of-a-fatalist]

FOUND family??? you think i just found them like this??? babes this is FORGED family. Me & the bros were scrap metal in a junkyard (very valuable, very sharp, very dangerous, uncared for) and we GOT IN THE FUCKING FIRE TOGETHER. WE did this. we said I AM NOT LEAVING YOU and melted into each other for better or for worse (it’s for better) and we are A FUNCTIONAL UNIT now. DO NOT SEPARATE. BATTERIES FUCKING INCLUDED. FOUND family my ass, we built this non-nuclear family unit from the ground up, don’t devalue this!!! it was is and will be a labour of love!!!

[lines-of-a-fatalist]

this is trash i wrote when i was super high the other day:

rhythm is lost

the only thing to count on

is that things will go on

my mom texts me more

checking in that i’m still living

not just alive

i want to make music

i want to create art

i want to live somewhere shitty that is all mine

find me in a cottage

filled with my favorite cds

and my drawings and my pets

find me wandering cities i’ve never been to

meeting strangers to never be seen again

find me never saying goodbye

bolter bolter bolter

packing my bags to a new destination

try to leave myself behind this time

i’m begging for someone to see through me

self medicate

meditate

it all seems dumb

blackout in the morning

spend my whole day numb

museam of all my cravings

it has windows but no doors

i’d never let anyone know me

but i’m screaming for you to come in

buy some book that makes me cool

reading it makes me sicker

but i’m taller with something to stand on

it’s all that i feel like i got

[lines-of-a-fatalist]

Downhearted by Ada Limón

[lines-of-a-fatalist]

Poetry from highschool i still resonate with

[lines-of-a-fatalist]

things really feel out of control

i don’t know how to do things, where to start, or how to care

i wake up and go where i’m supposed to but i never think about anything but getting back to ground zero. high and zoned the fuck out.

i go to class and i go to meetings, my friends make plans and i get in cars, spend money, eat meals

i feel like i’m ticking off a to do list and the last thing i’ll check off is die

things are so methodical, even making crafts or writing it’s like, but what’s the meaning, what is an end goal id be satisfied with?

i’m never going to have a job and not look for a new job, or a new apartment, a new city, a new dream.

a new cause, don’t even get me started. logged on or off i have to force something to mean the most and i feel like a fucking freak from the outside with my apathy tinted glasses on.

from tiktok blm, to elections to however else i’d change the world. i know it didn’t matter because look how fast i stopped caring!

deca! dsp! sales! marketing! WHAT AM I DOING HERE! i am constantly inventing shit to care about because i have nothing else to do.

i swipe and swipe and swipe because even a loser would give my life something to feel something about, positive or negative.

and on the topic i think i would fuck someone really ugly at this point. i don’t know where it came from but suddenly i need someone to give a fuck about me immediately. i want to be touched and held by IDEALLY someone who does now give a fuck about me and I DONT KNOW WHY!

i feel like i am self destructing against my will. better yet i feel like im just watching it happen.

i don’t know where to go from here!

i know i have autonomy but i also feel like i need to hold my life together the best i can even if it is a broken vase i have put together with scotch tape.

it’s like yeah i could dye my hair pink and change my major or apply to a new school. but in reality it’s like, what would that change.

i take myself wherever i go.

i want to heal, i want the world to stop for a while so i can sit and think and figure out who the fuck i am.

but i have to run a facebook page and do a capsum simulation competition and a bunch of other made up shit for my made up degree.

it makes me sick and it makes me immobile.

i don’t know what to do and i’m crying for help from underwater.

[lines-of-a-fatalist]

10/01/2024 #2

I think I was 9 when I realized pain wasn't real. Not not real but that its just a feeling just a response something to endure something on the outside

i hardly cried again over cuts bruises broken bones pain is not fear

the inside unsolved thoughts can't be stopped i think id serve well sent away to think and draw and write I'm not suited to the outside hurt or unreasonable panic

on the inside zone out focus up socialize I'm not even a real person like you don't you realize how small we are? the magnitude of it all? we are dying lets get coffee global genocide botox weight loss unprecedented times celebrity scandal

and we attach and we attach and we attach because how else can we endure?

[lines-of-a-fatalist]

10/01/2024 #1

yearning itching wanting praying it's all just feeling and I'm pushing it far down order order order coddling a hypochondriac that isn't there did I build this castle? I don't remember how it's smoked away in a youthful haze a confidence now donated to charity maybe I was too young when my clothes unhung I said it was fine but I only felt like I knew if you sent me away I'd beg and I'd plead but only because it seems right like wanting to be dumped when it finally comes apathetic I cry please don't take me

[lines-of-a-fatalist]

A sick introduction

I need to get some of these thoughts out of me head and not having everything together makes me sick to my stomach. Here is a digital file for my poems, thoughts, whatever the fuck!

I was a sweet baby freshman in that first post and in the two years since, I think I have only realized my own ignorance. I am 20 now and afraid of the world, afraid of myself, and out of control. A digital diary was a good idea, but I didn't keep up with it then. Let's see where it gets me now.

[lines-of-a-fatalist]

It is a difficult time to be ambitious.

I spend a lot of time thinking about the future, my goals and aspirations. I have no clue what it will be like. There was a time where I could tell you exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up but what that idea once was has since been skewed by my dreams changing, altering with reality, and the unfortunate realization of the mundaneness of real life.

My current goals are more short term and way less exciting then the days of Broadway actress and President of the United States.

This week I want to get my laundry done, I want to wash my water bottles, not get too drunk at the party on Friday, and I want to win this weeks fraternity election, for Vice President of Community Service. 

Good goals in my opinion, though not very long term or necessarily all difficult. College has presented to me the idea that some things are more challenging than they seem when you are younger. Laundry and dishes for example, it has been days and days of me wishing I could sit down and get these things done. The issue is, as a self proclaimed “ambitious person” it is so much easier for me to sit down and imagine myself completing these tasks, not even just completing them, but excelling at them. I can imagine myself as the most productive person in the world. I will daydream of myself locking in and completing all of my chores with a smile on my face, excited to be a woman with Real Responsibilities. But by the time it is after class, or after dinner, or whenever I have designated these moments of pure ambition and productivity, I would rather sit down and imagine the way they will be completed much more efficiently or at a higher quality if I just wait until tomorrow to do them. 

As you can imagine this is a vicious cycle. 

My other goals are a bit loftier but all the same, I imagine an outside perspective will see them as trivial and not necessarily fit to be life goals. In my own defense I have no drinking experience prior to college so learning how to drink responsibly and have a great time is something I am still walking a tightrope on. I have had many nights where I have as much fun as I want, and the next day is torture. With the approaching fraternity formal I plan to drink a lot and  feel like a real person the next day. This is the challenge of a lifetime. My strategy will be lots of food, lots of water, as I think that is the only way I actually survived Brotherhood (frat getaway weekend)

My final challenge, the only one that may seem like a challenge to any outsider, winning VPCS. As I sit here and type this, one of my competitors is sitting a few chairs over discussing the position with the current reigning VP, this is something I did weeks ago, but never the less, he is gaining insight. I am running against three other people in my frat, Filip, Maddy and George. George has been in the frat longer than the rest of us as Filip, Maddy and I have only just pledged this semester. I am under the impression that this election is a real toss up with nobody being too sure who may win, that being said I know for a fact that George feels confident in the election, and while I have been showing confidence as well, in reality I have no idea how this will go and I am nervous as ever. Not to say I necessarily care the most about community service, or I should say I don't really care about being the Vice President of it, but this is all about a long term plan to be President of the fraternity my senior year here, and if I am going to secure that position, I need things on my resume that show I know the innerworkings, and an Executive Board position my freshman year will definitely give me a jump-start. 

I think that my presentation is good, I will be dressed well and I will speak clearly and confidently. I also have prior experience in running an organization as well as in organizing community service events. Everything points to me being a great candidate for this position, but its HARD. nobody knows who will win. \

Regardless the point is that this is all going on and at the same time, I work part time and I am seeking a promotion. I am a year ahead in my degree with not a single study skill and a debilitating inability to remember things. I fear that my ambition is larger than my ability and that is going to eventually destroy me. Everyone around me seems convinced that I am ridiculously overworked and I must be stressed but I honestly don’t feel stressed. Is there a way that I am and everyone knows it but me? 

I want to be respected, I want to be able to get shit done and I want to have fun, all at the same time. I don’t know if its actually possible, hell I’m writing this instead of doing homework. 

Wish me good luck, I cant lessen my ambition so the only choice is to try and catch up to it.