lipsandquips-blog

[lipsandquips-blog]

“There isn't time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that.” Mark Twain

[lipsandquips-blog]

“The cure for pain is in the pain”

How was your week?

Mine was filled with discontentment, hormonal changes, goodbyes, work/life stresses, and tears, a lot of them interlinked. In the past, I probably would have shut everyone out, stayed home, binged on unhealthy trash, and wallowed in self-pity, and doubt. I am glad to see how I have grown, as a person, in that respect. 

This is not to say that I handle things perfectly, considering how I missed an interview and a swimming lesson on Monday simply because I felt I couldn’t leave the house. I think what has truly changed though, is my acceptance, and the keenness to understand the emotional and physical signals that my body sends me, particularly for the former. We cannot simply be adverse to negative experiences, because they will happen, frequently, for all our lives. Empathy is a friend, and so is joy, and love, and of course, pain. One thing to ask yourselves - what do I do when I’m in emotional pain?

My go-to mechanism, used to always be - “it’s not worth it”. I convinced myself that people, and situations, were simply not good enough for me. How could it possibly be, if you give so much that it drains you, that it’s not good enough? Of course then it must mean that there’s something wrong with the other person. 

In the last month or so, I would say my view towards that has evolved. I think fundamentally, the understanding that my worth is not tied to how people treat me, has helped. I have always been acutely aware that love, should come without expectations, but having that precious awareness did nothing for me because I failed miserably in practicing it. I thought I was - but it was in fact just a false show of strength to protect myself. If I gave, and gave, and gave and received nothing in return, I would mask that sense of unworthiness with defiance. If someone was unkind to me or didn’t reciprocate in the way I expected, I made myself feel better by telling myself I wasn’t supposed to have expectations. While loving without expectations seems noble, it is also for the most part, unattainable, because we are human beings that all have emotions to some degree. I think the goal, for me at least, is still to aspire to love in that way, while understanding context, and what I deserve. 

Thursdays are always interesting for me. It was my third mobile canteen at IMH, and I’m proud to announce that I’m getting really good at prepping cup noodles, and basic math (ha). It can get a little intimidating sometimes, dealing with mental patients, but for the most part the smiles and the handshakes are adorably comforting.

The highlight of my day however, was what I learnt in my weekly mindfulness lesson. I would encourage everyone to give this little exercise a go. It should take only ten minutes, and is SO WORTHWHILE. 1) Think about what a typical day in your life is like.

For many of us, this usually involves, waking up, making coffee/breakfast, checking Instagram, getting the MRT, working, etc etc. The small bytes of your day which form the daily experience, basically.

2) Break it down into the various different steps, aiming for about 15-20.

For instance, i) wake up, ii) take a shower, iii) brush teeth, iv) make coffee, v) play with Rusty, etc etc. By the way, that’s actually how I start my day. So carry on with the list until the day ends, which unless you aren’t human, is usually sleep. It’s obviously better to write it in a downward list and regular numerals.

3) Beside each step write ‘N’ or ‘D’

The ‘N’ represents a nourishing activity, and the ‘D’, a depleting activity. Is this activity nourishing you as a person, or depleting and draining you? This is all relative of course. A girl in my class said eating alone, was a depleting activity and experience for her, while for me it is actually one of my favourite things to do, which is of course perfectly fine since our personalities all vary. It can also be neither, which makes it a neutral experience.

4) Evaluate

Look at the activities that you have considered to be depleting and try to understand if it is within your control or not. I was lucky enough, to only have one ‘D’, which ironically happened to be my endless scrolling of social media platforms in the morning. I do have control over that, and I would say it has improved, since I now try to read the BBC instead or put on an educational podcast. I also had one neutral activity, which happened to be my second cup of coffee. I wouldn’t consider it depleting, but compared to my first cup, I just wasn’t sure it added much value to my life. So, for the last two days, I’ve only taken my morning coffee, and substituted the afternoon one with tea. That’s more of just a personal experiment to see which way it leans.

There will be depleting activities and experiences that you might not have control over at this point in your life. For instance, several people in my class, said their work was highly depleting. But not all of us can leave a job on a whim or should, without trying to fix things or without considering external factors like rent, loans, etc. But that’s where there are specific techniques for mindfulness at work that come in, and also where you think about how to add more nourishing activities to your life outside of work. Some of my super nourishing actiivites (which I added an extra smiley face to) included, my first coffee, playing with my dog in the morning, swimming, spending time with family and friends, and SLEEPING (my ultimate fav). 

But yeah, you get the drift. I really feel like that exercise helped me understand more about where I was in my life, the direction I was heading in, and the areas i could grow in. All that aside, it is quite interesting to know anyway, how you’ve been treating yourself.

And if anyone is interested to find out more about the course I’m taking, some little strategies I’ve tried to handle my emotions, please let me know as i’m happy to share.

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The weekend has been weird, but in a good way. I went for a film screening last night about the Delhi gang rape in 2012. While it was an important issue that was meant to be covered on the international Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women, the panelists added so little value that I was just waiting to leave. The audience had some good insights though, and I am still glad I went.

This morning, I went to IMH, to visit the children’s ward, for the first time. I was 100% expecting to join a volunteer group, but was the only one there. I then spent two hours speaking to a few of the patients and just left more emotionally burdened, than inspired. I had to cancel a coffee catch up with a friend because I felt so overwhelmed and needed time on my own to recalibrate. I’m not allowed to talk much about it, because of  the patients’ privacy, but I can only say that I am heartbroken at how our system has failed them. Still, I am prepared to turn all of this resentment into action.

Watch this space.

I hope you’ve all had a lovely week. But if it was rough, congratulations, you’ve survived, and gained some resilience in the process.

Lots of love xx

[lipsandquips-blog]

How’s your Monday?

Restless, is the way I am starting my week. Anxious, but also over nothing in particular. The five cups of black coffee I’ve had probably has something to do with it. I miss the quiet, by the sea and in the countryside. The waves, so calming, even on days untamed. I wish I could be more like the water, to myself and the people I love - not always ‘gentle’ or perfect, yet providing that sense of comfort.

There’s something about nature that uncloaks our defences and pretences. I remember that first walk I took on my own in the countryside of Aldeburgh, and how I just started crying from the sight of the sunset bridged across the sky. It was a weird feeling - a combination of inexplicable joy, gratitude, with a hint of undeservedness. That gratitude though, has been very useful in the last couple of weeks since I’ve been back.

We are not ungrateful creatures by nature I don’t think, but when you live in a hectic city, overwhelmed by the constant pressure to be making more money, friends, having more sex, feeling more powerful, we also then become easily discontented. I think about how often I was slave to those expectations from society, how it crushed my self-esteem, body image, concept of love etc and just feel impossibly grateful that I have emerged. It’s not always easy and I often feel like I’ve failed myself. I am not always a good person, but I am proud that I am trying to be better. I am grateful, to have the self-awareness to acknowledge when I am off track, and have the capacity to try to right the path. I am grateful to have people in my life that have been so loving, forgiving and supportive.

Oddly enough, I started writing this feeling somewhat pensive and wanting to talk about how much I wanted to return to the countryside. I also got a bit carried away and started rambling (as my lit and history teachers will attest, is a thing I do) because I get a bit trippy on coffee. “Restless for silence” kept popping up in my mind and I was thinking of what an oxymoronic concept that would be. But I feel entirely different now. Just writing about how grateful I am to have had such special experiences, or for how I can even have the capacity for such multifaceted experiences has made me realise something crucial - I haven’t lost anything in the perceived fire of being in a place where I don’t feel I belong. I still have the sea, the fields, the kindness of strangers, the fresh friendships, the warmth of the pubs, and the dogs (oh my god, the dogs) in my heart.

TL;DR: Gratitude is so fucking important