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Everything,in time.

I’ve had this blog for 12 years and my goodness so much has happened in those years. I’m currently 34+1 with baby Cedric and it feels unreal that we are at this point again.

Leon’s birthday is around the corner and I’ve been sadder than usual. My little chunk would be 1 in March 🥺He probably would be walking and eating solid food by now. Time really is a thief. Anyways this will be my first post of 2024.

I’m going to have to summarise what has happened so far:

- I’ve left nursing and transitioned into a digital marketing career. I did a 10 week bootcamp and shortly secured an apprenticeship with JDSports.

- Hubby got promoted at work but he is also looking into changing careers into data engineering.

- We are expecting Baby Cid shortly (End of Feb) and I will be induced for it. How exciting!

- We finally secured a flat in Salford Quays and are close to completion. Fingers crossed it will be in the next 3 weeks.

Me and Jimmy are excited to experience the lifestyle in media city. We have so many things to look forward to! We have been honing our cooking skills during the weekends and proud to say we can now make pizza and cookies from scratch 🤤

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5 months today!

Hello my sweet pea. I’ve missed you lots! How are you doing? A lot has happened since I spoke to you and it hasn’t been an easy time at all. I hope you’re looking after your sibling up there. At least you won’t be lonely there any more. I’ve been a hot mess this past month. I can’t stop crying over you and your sibling. I’m sure you’re both okay now that you’ve got each other there.

Me and your dad have an appointment this Thursday. We’re hoping to finally get some answers and quite frankly, I’m just trying my hardest not to be anxious. We’re still staying at your auntie’s house. Unfortunately for us, the building management are still taking time answering enquiries so it feels like we’re never going to move out. I’m sorry that all my news sound negative. The good thing is that your sibling here is still doing well. We will see him/her on Monday. I hope things go smoothly and that there aren’t any complications. We shall see. Me and your dad miss you like always and you’ve been part of conversation sometimes. I was talking about how you have very similar fingers to me haha ! You could have been a great piano/guitar player. Well my little ones , take care of each other. Me and your dad are thinking of you always and if you can , send me a sign from time to time that you’re okay.

Mummy needs to go to sleep now. Love you both! Sweet dreams and goodnight my loves.

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4 months

Hello my little chunk! As always I’m a bit early. You’ll be 4 months next week. You’re growing up so fast! Me and your dad have some news. You’ll be a big brother soon 🥺 Please look over your younger sibling for us. I really wish you were here with us. I’ve thought about you a lot as per usual. I still get teary in public and it’s so hard. Seeing little babies your age spending summers with their parents but you know, you’re with me when I’m out. Even if it’s not physically.

I’ve not done as much this month but I have done well with my personal goal. I’ve managed to be at my lowest weight since the year before last. I have to stop that now though because I have to think about your siblings nutrition. We may also hopefully have some answers next week about my placenta results. I really hope that my placenta had not failed you. The thought of it fills me with anguish.

How are you though my love? Are you getting on with other babies? Me and your dad will be celebrating our 6 year anniversary next week. We’re going to a spa. We both can’t wait. Ive also been looking out for you in the skies. It’s always so pretty when the sun sets. There’s always different colours. I can’t believe you’ll be 6 months soon. I’m dizzy thinking about it haha

Mummy will speak to you soon!

& as always we both love you very much.

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3 months!

Hello Leon,

I know I’m a few days early but I’ve missed you a lot. You’re almost 3 months old. The time is passing so quickly. How have you been? Can you crawl yet? Oh what I’d give to hear you laugh right now. I think it would make my week to be honest. A lady asked me if I had any children and I didn’t know what to say to her. So I lied (Lying is wrong though my love, that was a bad example from me).

I couldn’t get myself to tell her that you’re no longer with us because I think I would have cried. I hope you can give me a sign that you’re doing well. It hurts to sit here and embrace grief but essentially it’s love at the end of the day. That’s what Julia has told me. Yeah mummy has started seeing a therapist. It has been really helpful for me. Hopefully your dad will be seen in a couple of weeks.

Anyways enough sadness for now. We went to the Peak District and did an 11 mile walk! Can you believe it? Me and your dad were saying that it would have been lovely to have you come with us. Your dad would have strapped you in his back. Haha! & I would have put a bucket hat on you because it was a really hot day. Knowing you, you probably would have been heavier than 8lbs. You were so chunky at birth but I loved it. Me and your dad both did. He keeps calling you a “specimen”. I guess that’s his way of being proud of you.

My sweet boy, I hope you can lend him your strength because I do think he’s taking on a lot sometimes. Hopefully you can watch over us when we attempt our second trail tomorrow. We can look at the wildlife together. Maybe we’ll see birds and squirrels. It would be good for you to see squirrels, they’re really cute!

With that note, Leon get plenty of rest.

As always mummy and daddy loves you so much!

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“May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.”

— Kristin Neff

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2 months.

Hello again my sweet pea. You’re 2 months old yesterday! Happy 2 months. Your dad is back at work and I’m still wondering whether I should go back. Truth be told I’m really anxious about it. I don’t want to be triggered when someone asks me about what happened to you. How are you? I hope you’re having all the milk in the world. I still very much cry when I think about what could have been but it’s okay. We’ll be fine. We’ve started looking at flats again. What would you have preferred, I wonder.. Do you think you would have liked living near media city or would you rather have a peaceful life at Heaton? It’s hard isn’t it. Ideally we would like to be in the right postcode so that you would have gone to a good School. To give you opportunities that me and your dad never had.

Mummy is so much better mentally. I’m trying to stay strong for you because if I had my way, I would have been with you. It’s not fair on daddy though. He still needs me here and I would hate to cause him more pain. I promise I’ll look for you when it’s my time then we could have a proper catch up and you can tell me what you’ve been up to. In the meantime, we’re trying to make most of our sunny days. We’ve also visited Baby Etta, Juno and Yovelin. They would have been your older pals and of course we can’t forget your cousin Sophia. She was so excited to meet you but I’m not sure if she understands where you are now.

Anyways my lovely Leon. I’ll update you again when you turn 3 months, okay?

Don’t forget that mummy and daddy loves you very much. Take care!

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A month on!

Hi Leon,

It’s nice for you to be back with us. Your blanket is giving me so much comfort. It has helped with the insomnia to be honest. You would have been a month old this week. I still very much cry on and off. Your absence is loud!

We have tried to keep busy these last 4 weeks to celebrate your life. I think you would have loved seeing the ducks in Dovestone. We have also been to a final fantasy orchestra, ate at a few places and visited South Wales. Yesterday we went back to Ward 64 to pick up your foot cast and oh my, you really had big feet.

I miss you son.

Hope to check in again soon. I hope you are okay wherever you are.

I love you!

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I miss you Leo.

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My precious little boy,

You’ve brought so much happiness to me and your dad although it was short lived. I would go through the pain of labour if it means getting to see you time and time again. The moment I held you, I finally understood what people meant when they say they were filled with love. I was completely besotted.

Thank you for giving me an insight into motherhood. I loved bonding with you every morning. Feeling your kicks was such a beautiful experience. You were such a cheeky chunk when it came to your dad. Always shying away when he comes near you yet you always ended up being clingy like me when you realise he’s left for work! I’m so sorry if my body failed to protect you in the end. It breaks my heart knowing you could have potentially been in distress and I wasn’t able to reassure or help you.

You were the definition of perfect to me and I’m glad you chose me as your mummy. I just wished I could have showered you with love. I will always wonder what kind of baby you would have been. Me and your dad often talked how best to raise you and we would get so excited about all the places we would take you to. Heck everyone in the family were all rearing to meet you especially your grandparents. First grandson on either side. Not to humble brag but you were kind of a big deal.

Leon James Vanfo. I love you & I miss you. You will always be in my thoughts my beautiful son. We will hopefully be reunited one day. In the meantime, know that mummy and daddy will be thinking of you. Sleep tight my sweet boy. Till the next time we meet.

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34 weeks baby!

We are at the last leg. Since my last post , me and Jimmy have bought all the baby essentials. The closer it’s getting the more nervous I’m becoming. We have so many things to look forward to with you. I’m waiting for the plane tickets to become available so that I can start organising our trip to PH. We have also moved our bedroom downstairs so that David will not be disturbed during the night.

At this rate I think the flat will be ready around April. I can’t wait to put a formal complaint once we complete. It has been incredibly slow . We are on Month 8!! Can you believe it ? It’s a fucking joke.

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It’s 2023!

I’m a married woman now. Gosh can you imagine? Me &Jimmy got married on the 22nd of December 22. I must say it happened so quickly. The civil ceremony lasted 10 minutes. Ngoc and my dad were our witness for the special day. It was raining that morning! It was such a simple ceremony. I loved it. In the evening, we had both families eat at Tai Wu. It was lovely having both of them present.

Currently I am 29+6. My little peach is not a peach anymore lol. Plenty has happened since my last post. Me and your dad finally seen your face via 4D scan. You looked so cute but you didn’t let the radiographer take a good photo of you !! Haha ! We’ve also been stressing out, over getting everything ready for your arrival. We’re nearly there though.

Unfortunately we’ve yet moved to our flat so we may have to stay here longer. Too many legal questions left to be followed up.

Joash has now been living in Canada just over 3 months. He seems to be flourishing there but he also wants to move back to London. He’s so indecisive.

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In love with you already.

It was amazing seeing your heart beat 💓 for the first time. It felt overwhelming, knowing that you were really there. Thank you for behaving haha ! The sonographer said you didn’t move much at all which helped her vastly with her job.

I hope your enjoying your time in my womb lol. I will see you on my birthday , can you believe it ? I couldn’t. Right now I’m at 14+4. We are officially in the 2nd trimester. I’ve just been getting headaches this time and still peeing quite a lot. I can’t imagine that changing till after my pregnancy.

Also your grandparents can’t wait to see you especially on your dad’s side. They have been waiting for you for a while now. Soon my little peach 🍑

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September 6 2022 - 12+3

Hi baby Tomorrow me and your dad will see you for the first time. We are beyond excited . Though I’m not looking forward to drinking 1 litre of fluids before the scan.

Thank you for making pregnancy such a pleasant experience for me. I think it was only the earlier weeks that had me sweating profusely haha!! You’ll be able to hear us soon enough , can’t wait till you get to know us. Hopefully all is well with your health . See you soon little lime.

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21 August - 10 weeks and 1 day

How am I so close to finishing 1st trimester?

Little bubba , me & your dad are excited to meet you! We will hear your heartbeat in 2 weeks ! I can’t wait to see you on the screen. I hope you are growing up healthy. I’m trying to make sure I don’t miss out any of my antenatal vitamins to give you the best possible chance. I’m so sorry that my diet hasn’t been the best as of late. I’ll try and fix that! I hope you’re enjoying all the music that I’ve been playing. I know you can’t hear yet but soon you will.

We also got engaged last week ! Can you believe it !? I’m a whole ass fiancé. I love it 😂 Hopefully will get married not to far away from now. I’m going to see my parents this weekend to catch up before they fly out with Joash to Toronto.

Kuya and ate joie are also flying out the same time to the Philippines and will be away for a month. I’ll totes be alone for the duration and it feels weird. Anyways 2 weeks away and we will be in second trimester. Woo !!

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8 weeks.

August 10 2022

We have moved to David’s place. Officially completed on the 5th August and it feels super weird to be living with another person again. However it works out for everyone. David is fairly chill to live with. Omg also our buyers ended up renting our old house. Like what the heck lol. They forced us out so that they can rent it !? How annoying.

Pregnancy is going smooth so far. Much better than Week 6 & 7. My boobs don’t feel as heavy and painful. My main symptoms is still exhaustion. Oh and I’m still peeing a lot but I don’t mind. I really wish that I don’t experience any nausea or vomiting.

We have fully paid of our car and I’ve paid of my student loans! Hallelujah. More steps to becoming financially free.

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First antenatal appointment - July 27 2022

How exciting ! Attended my first ever appointment. I felt so out of depth!? Like a lost puppy. 

So basically I had to fill in a registration form to start a new file then I had to pee in a cup. Thankfully, there was nothing in it. NAD. The midwife went through basic questions about me & Jimmy. She went through all our family history and made me do a carbon monoxide test which was so interesting.  I weighed 68.85 kg , oh my days. All the weight I lost from reducing carbs in my diet just went back up lol.  My first ever scan is booked for September 7 and I can not wait to have a first glimpse. 

Little peanut has been giving me cramps. Thank you for not making mummy nauseous. I can’t wait for you to hear our voices. I will introduce you to so many good music artists & i’m sure you’ll hear your dad’s inappropriate jokes soon 😆 

On a side note - We have almost completed the move. We are officially moving out tomorrow then it will hopefully be 3 months living with David. I have been trying to work out how best to travel to Salford as it will cost me almost £100 for 3 night shifts which seems stupid. I’m sure it will all work out.

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