littlebigdemon

[littlebigdemon]

bday is coming up soon, time to get back to restricting 🫡 i need to get pretty again

[littlebigdemon]

아직도 코타츠에서 못 벗어나는 중..

[littlebigdemon]

wish i could go back to restricting n going to the gym n then laying in bed n doing nothing but i'm at a point in my life where i need to try to eat well enough so i can mentally n physically function so i can do well at work n school 🙃 tho i wouldn't consider myself in recovery. i still struggle w food guilt n body image issues, n my desire to restrict is still strong, n i still see food as numbers or macros/micronutrients, etc etc. i'm back on appetite suppressants bc the sleep deprivation increases my appetite sometimes n i just cannot deal w the guilt n pain i feel from binging (or literally just snacking n eating like a normal person). i just need to push through the rest of the year until i finish school n then, who knows

[littlebigdemon]

getting the urge to binge at work is insane n i hate it here

[littlebigdemon]

wish i could enjoy food like a normal person without feeling disgusting or guilty or fat or viewing food or my body defined by numbers. like this doesn't bring me joy at all, n this is not how to live

[littlebigdemon]

restrict - binge cycle never ends 🙃

[littlebigdemon]

the fact there is people who don’t think about their weight 24/7 is crazy. my ed consumes my mind

[littlebigdemon]

okay i need to stop eating sm, especially sugar. this is getting ridiculous

[littlebigdemon]

will i ever be skinny 😔

[littlebigdemon]

I hate how my body feels, it's way too big.

It's just - wrong.

It's not supposed to be like that.

[littlebigdemon]

been eating sm lately n i can tell i've gained weight... ugh i feel so fat :/ ik it's from the stress n sleep deprivation, but still... i feel gross 💔

[littlebigdemon]

weighed myself for the first time in a WHILE (idk how long) and i'm at my lw again, who cheered 🙌

[littlebigdemon]

o my god, my sister came into our room telling me to come eat dinner. i declined bc i need to study n go to bed. then she tells me that our older sister said she thinks i haven't been eating enough (which, how would they know ?) and that she FOUND THE APPETITE SUPPRESSANT PILLS IN MY BAG. i just try to brush it all off, saying that i haven't been taking them (which is true) n that i was struggling w binging before...

holy fuck. i never want my siblings to suspect my ED or ever have any conversation abt it ever. i just don't want them to know.

[littlebigdemon]

i am v much against diet culture n harmful beauty standards n such. i am also very much against nondisordered ppl on the internet shaming disordered ppl for having a mental illness like it's a choice. "you're ☆ving yourself >:(" and "enjoy your hair falling out"

when eds are actually just the way our brains are wired to cope n i wish ppl tried to fucking understand that. n it actually takes a lot of work to challenge yourself n your thoughts to overcome an ED. not that it's impossible, it just takes a while n a lot of support.

anyway, my point is that ppl shouldn't be shamed into recovery bc that's not how it fucking works 💀✋️ empathy, my loves, is a powerful tool when we're having these conversations around mental health

[littlebigdemon]

hate it when the food guilt kicks in n i feel disgusting

[littlebigdemon]

i'm fine looking through ed accs like it's the daily newspaper until it randomly hits me that my friends would probably def not want to be friends w me if they knew i have an ed, am on these online spaces religiously, n have thousands of thīnspo images saved to my phone. sometimes it feels like having a double life, and this is a secret i will die with 🧍

[littlebigdemon]

the way my heart is beating so fast after eating a big sandwich is crazy