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The Backhand Slap. ‘I know I’ve said it before but I will say it again’ Slap dominant hand into non-dominant hand. Use as a reinforcing gesture when critical opponent seems unresponsive.

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RON (the events that take place in this story are true. no names have been changed in order to respect anyone that was involved).

RON It was just before Valentines day. I bundled up in everything I owned and drove straight to the Rosedale Mall. It is a morbid place - the Macy’s bathroom is stained yellow and the ladies working at the make-up counter look like creepy dolls with crayon colored faces. The bright florescent lights did wonders for their purple lipstick covered teeth. It was the best bet for me, as I lived nearby and can’t handle too many people at one time. The size of the Rosedale Mall is 100 feet long, from The Gap to Big Bowl. In between are dumpy kiosks with men speaking in Italian accents trying to sell perfume. They sound and smell Italian but odds were that they are 90 percent hispanic. I was shopping for my kid sister Syd. She was 16 and in the nose piercing, converse wearing, pot smoking phase that we all go through in high school. I was trying to find her something hip but not too girly without buying her a “oney”. I remembered that she liked this skateboarding store called Zumez a few years ago and with no other ideas I thought I would buy her a t-shirt. Nothing says you are cool older sister like buying your younger cooler than you sister a stupid seven dollar t-shirt. I’m not usually that boring, I was just really broke. All I could do was pay my rent and feed my cat and buy my sister a boring t-shirt. On my way to teenage wasteland I stopped at the candy kiosk to buy some gum. The kiosk had these little mints shaped like chocolate chips with little white round candies on the bottom. I guess you could call them dinner mints. The man who worked at the kiosk was visiting another kiosk when I was looking at the mints. He walked over to the kiosk and I asked him how much the dinner mints were. He smiled and told me I could have a sample. I was very thankful but decided not to buy the mints and buy my gum instead. I picked out a pack of extra and handed him my credit card. His face turned serious, and he looked at me and said, “No.” “Is there a minimum for credit cards?” I asked. “No.” He tightened his mouth and stared. “Ok...do you not accept cards?” I stared back. He looked at me blankly. Glaring. “Ok….I think you can be a little bit nicer than this, buddy” I started. He grabbed my card and my pack of gum and threw a fit. He swiped my card so fast I don’t think it even worked and shoved the gum into the palm of my hand and said, “Get out of my store.” “What?” I said, surprised that he would call what is clearly a kiosk, a store. “Get out. Of my store.” He said again. He then stormed off to his other kiosk friend and looked back with a snarl. I was so confused. The candy man was mean. My eyebrows curved down and my face pouted. I walked into Zumez to buy Syd’s t-shirt and felt trapped because I didn’t want to see the Candy man again. When I was checking out, a nice and very cute teenager asked me how my day was going. I said I was good. And then I said, “Actually...the man at the candy stand is mad at me.” “Who, Ron?” He asked. “I guess, Ron, yeah. He is working the candy kiosk. He is very upset.” I told him. “Ron? No way. Ron is the nicest guy. Really. He is cool. Maybe he is just having a bad day.” The kid was sweet. My perspective changed. I told him he was probably right, and then I started to feel sorry for Ron. I felt guilty. I didn’t want Ron, the nicest guy, to be mad at me. Maybe he had a tummy ache. Maybe he had to poop. Maybe his mom kicked him out of the basement. So I decided to walk out and make amends. I looked out across the boulevard of Caribou tables, and Ron and his friend turned toward me. I gave him a half smile, which I think stood for peace but sometimes it make you look like you are a dog that peed on the carpet. Anyway, I felt bad enough to give him that sorry look. I then put my right hand in the air, almost to wave, but did not wave. Ron looked at me and his nose pushed his top lip down into a stink face and he flipped me off. In front of everyone. At the Rosedale Mall. I put my hood on my head to hide my red face. I clenched my shopping bag in my hand and my knuckles were dry and white. I then did what any sensible angry mall patron would do - I went to the Mall Office Headquarters. Of course I had to search really hard for this place, but I was so determined to complain about Ron that I didn’t care. I do not normally do things like this - I’ve never really been a tattletale or a teacher’s pet or a fire starter. I am actually quite passive, sometimes passive aggressive, and I do not like conflict. It was a bit thrilling to do something different for a change. After making my way through the fluorescent hallways I opened to door figuring that it would be kind of a big deal that a patron was in their offices. It wasn’t. There was a rounded desk and a woman with a pineapple haircut. She slowly looked up and squinted and another woman came out from some other room wearing a turtleneck under her matching sweat pants outfit. They both greeted me together, kindly, with thick northern accents. “Hi..I have a complaint about one of your employees...uh, Ron.” I said. I told them my side of the story and they were squinting at me the whole time. They looked at eachother and then the one with the pineapple haircut backed her chin into her neck and frowned her face. She looked at the other woman. “Ron?” She asked. “Yes. Ron. He works at the candy kiosk.” I could tell that she knew who I was talking about, and she made a crinkley face at me. “Ron?” The other one asked, sounding more surprised than the pineapple. Pineapple chimed in again, “We’ve never had any complaints about Ron. That just doesn’t sound like him. Very strange.” They both looked down and tried to look busy, which I think was a slight hint that they wanted me to leave. On my way back through the mall I put my hood up again to slink past Ron. He wasn’t there and at first I was glad. Panic started to kick in and I thought that maybe he was following me to my car - or was already waiting for me at my car to stuff my mouth with a giant jawbreaker and kidnap me and no one would ever know what happened to me. My photo would appear in the newspaper the next day and the pineapple and the teenager would say that I was acting so strange because RON would never ever do anything of the sort because he is really truly the nicest guy I mean he works at the goddamn candy kiosk and serves children and old people. I held my keys between each knuckle like wolverine so that I would be ready for Ron. I ran up the escalator and started sweating and Dave Mathews Band was playing poorly over the speakers. I kept awareness of my surroundings as I walked out to my truck. I quickly unlocked it and threw my bags in and jumped in and locked the door and breathed for the first time in ten minutes. Then I started laughing to myself out loud really hard and knew that my sister Syd and I would laugh and laugh at this situation and I didn’t feel so bad about getting her a stupid t-shirt anymore. --Torey

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Torey tries to return a pair of rollerblades, and upon being rejected, tries a different strategy.

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Torey as Lt. Dan as Torey. One of my friends says that one of her best qualities is that she is good at the internet. I deleted my facebook about 6 months ago (thank you) it’s been a real journey. So now the only world wide web adventures for me are online banking, you tube videos of people falling, and this dirty time sucker called the Sartorialist. The Sartorialist is very “hip” its a street-style blog and where everyone on it looks like a golden god child of fashion wearing socks and sandals. Everyone is ‘casual’. It’s usually in Milan or Madrid, and they are just casually strolling along with Pantene Pro V commercial hair, and they are wearing a baby and the baby is wearing an ascot and a Louis Vitton vest. So I decide to be ‘wild’ and wear my husbands green army jacket, dark green pants, and combat boots. I totally look like Lt. Dan - post war, pre Asian lady - Lt. Dan. And I feel fly. I am in a bomb ass outfit. So I decide to take my dog for a walk in my outfit back behind my warehouse building in between the project housing and the wet house. Super Chic ‘hood guys. I am so Nam. I even have a low ponytail and a pack of cigs. Then I see this guy, about 70, coming toward me. And we are wearing the exact same outfit. So he comes toward me to sniff me out. And upon further inspection I notice that he one wandering eye and a few dead teeth. He passes by and my dog decides to stop. Then he stops. And he says, “what a beautiful dog!” And I say, “Yes she is excited for Spring!” My statement was taken as an open invitation for the man to come three inches away from my face. a puff of dust came out of his mouth as he said “I bet you’re excited for Spring too!” And for a minute I looked into his eye and there were many confusing thoughts running through my head but the most prominent thought was: This guy is suuuuuuuuper fashiony. then it came to me that he thought i was his war buddy. right before he offered me a drink i did a basketball pivot around him. and this poor man lost yet another war buddy and i totally am getting lazy eye surgery because it will be sooo in next year.

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Bass Face - One of our first ideas straight outta 2012. While in attendance at an Alpha Consumer show, the boys started bustin' out some dirty, dirty, bass. And we got the notion that we, too could smoke cigs and drink whiskey and make a bass face. So we shot this vid to replicate that lovely evening. Enjoy!

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#whammybah @toreyb #lilidiotsllc check us out on the innernette

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Hey Tor! I'm 5. (at Icehouse MPLS)

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Hi everybody, my name is Erin I'm 30 years old and I just charged a $2 whoopee cushion at TC magic. Happy to be home! (at Twin Cities Magic & Costume)

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Big news! Big! Huge! @toreyb

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@toreyb #littleidiots morning!

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Steven Tyler PJs @toreyb #littleidiots #weezinthejuice

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#lilidiotsllc #desiree

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Torey swears she saw a rendition of The Wizard of Oz on ice as a child starring Bobby McFerrin as Glinda the Good Witch...  I did not believe her, but did this quick sketch of what he might look like if he did star as Glinda.  Lovely!

#bobbymcferrin #glindathegoodwitch #dontworrybehappy

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#ghostdad #lilidiotsllc

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This blog is going to be a platform for us to share with you, our thoughts, hopes, dreams, aspirations, and poop jokes.  We might fall down (hopefuly on a banana peel because that's hilarious), and hope that you can be there to laugh when we do.

So, let's start with, "I Have This Feeling/Shuger Crash."  The music video we directed, shot, edited and participated in happily for Gramma's Boyfriend in February of 2013 with a stellar cast and crew!

Enjoy!

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