littleletterstomyself

[littleletterstomyself]

You’re making me want to cry (Part 2)

This is a continuation of Part 1. Click here to read it now.

So there I am, scrolling through Instagram when all of a sudden, I eye a post by Y captioned “Shit just got real”. It’s a screenshot of a booking page counting down the days until takeoff.

I’m some 400km from home, at 2am, in a motel room with the other 4 members of my immediate family and all I feel is rotten, left out and betrayed. Maybe there were other emotions running, but there was nothing helping me get to sleep. The drive back home was the worst car ride I’ve ever experienced. 4 hours of a family of 5 not talking to each other plus my mind running circles around everything just trying to answer one question - Why? It’s pretty much since that morning through now that I’ve not even felt as if I’m myself. I’ve been second guessing everything - a positive thought always has a negative “what if” backed behind it.

Since then, I’d asked a number of times why I was never invited to go along too, who said the offer wasn’t to be extended and with what justification. It’s not like we hadn’t been dating for a short amount of time either. “It’d throw off the dynamic of the trip”. That’s the response I got. Still to this day, it makes no sense to me. I even asked if I could be involved with the planning process so at least I could feel a part of this life experience. Retrospectively I feel like I shouldn’t have even asked because, well, I wasn’t involved at all. My first viewing of the itinerary was with less than a month to go - a time where most things were set in stone and all that was left was deciding on which tours to go on.

Lets flick the clock forward to a few weeks before she’s going. I’ve talked with a heap of people about this whole situation and there’s a very, very, very small handful that don’t have the same opinion on this as me, that believe it’s perfectly cool for her to leave her boyfriend at home while going off to see the world. I’m not saying I want to hold her back from things, but I’d like to feel included too. By now, my boss at work has noticed me underperforming on things and pulled me aside to talk about what’s going on outside work. Being the champion he is, he offered me the week off before she left. “Go spend the week with her before she goes”.

Packing my bags for work on Saturday morning, I had a thought to write a little letter - a love note if you will - for her to open on the plane. The plan was to hide it in her hand luggage and tell her about it at the airport.

4:00am my alarm goes off and I snoozed it all the way to 4:30am - I just didn’t want to get up even though I love my job. So amongst the downtime I have (Saturday morning shifts are very easy to glide through) I started with my pen. I had no idea what I was going to write nor what I wanted to say but before I knew it, I’d covered a page. Even now, I don’t remember what I wrote but I do know that it went all over the place.

The days kept counting down and I left it up to her to plan out her last week in town. There were a number of friends she wanted to catch up with before leaving. Dinner with my family on Sunday night to celebrate Mothers Day, Monday night had a dinner planned for with her immediate friends (and Y who she was soon to be travelling with), Tuesday morning was breakfast, dinner with her family on Tuesday and Wednesday nights.

Now Monday night deserves its own paragraph, maybe two. Lets start things off by saying that I’m not an eater. I’m getting better, but I’m not a fan of trying food - hell, if I didn’t have to eat to stay alive, I probably wouldn’t. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s being forced to try something. I’ll move it on at my own comfortable pace. But I love my girlfriend and I know she likes eating, plus she’s been really supportive and encouraging when it comes to me trying new things. So her friends had chosen the restaurant - a place I’d never heard of in a somewhat upmarket part of urban suburbia. On our approach, we bumped into and walked in with another couple to be greeted by a second couple and Y who had already seated at the table. The way we had entered the room positioned me to seat at the end of the long edge of a table seated for 7 with one at the head. My girlfriend to my left, Y directly opposite. As we were about sitting down, I offered a hello to the table which was warmed by the couple who’d arrived before us but not Y. For 3 hours we sat there and not a single word from her was spoken to me, yet she was more than happy to speak across the table to the new boyfriend of one of their friends. On the menu side of things, I had no idea what I was going to order. Half the things didn’t even ring a bell as to what they were and the others I wouldn’t even go anywhere near. I ended up getting some chicken dish - it was the only thing that had chicken in it.

So the night progressed, I got text messages from my girlfriend - who was still sitting directly to my left - asking if I was okay because I was being relatively quiet. It’s really hard being the only outside partner in a group of friends from high school, even more so when conversations flow the lines of “Hey remember this…”, “What about that time x did y…”. But the thing that got me the most was the pure disregard of the fact that I was sitting opposite from her friend.

The other catchups went swell - I wish all of her friends were more like them. I don’t have to be involved in every single conversation, but that feeling when you are included is just, it’s such a nice feeling.

In amongst all of the catchups, we were working on packing her suitcase. I know I’m contort enough to be able to fit into it - with the zippers done up, but unfortunately she opted to pack clothes instead.

Wednesday night approached and it’s the night I just didn’t want to happen…

[littleletterstomyself]

You’re making me want to cry (Part 1)

Now kids, I'm not really one to get all upset and teary. It's just not really ever been me. Most guys are somewhat similar - we hide our emotion away in fear of being judged, called soft or something stuipid. "Males are supposed to be tough". Yeah well that's all well and good but sometimes, you know what, it doesn't hurt to cry - but what makes you want to will.

Now this one's a long story and it's evolving every day - there's something new to add. I only really know one way to tell stories and that's to hit it from the top.

I’m a fan of doing things properly, following the rules, doing my best and I love seeing others doing so too. You could say I’m like Emmett in Lego Movie - following the instructions. So lets set the scene - it’s 2015. I’m working full time as a developer and my girlfriend is still at university. She’s studying nursing. I’m super proud of her. It’s not an easy thing, looking after people when they’re unwell or injured and boy do the stories get out there, but that’s another letter. 

Because she’s at uni, there’s not really a lot of cash floating along for her. It’s the same with most of my friends - a lot of them are still at uni. One of her friends decided that for his birthday, that he wanted to go to Melbourne. It’s one of my favourite places, I just love it. Thing is that he wanted his circle of friends to go too - including my girlfriend. I remember the night they booked the flights and accomodation. I remember driving to her house at 11pm after she got home, trying to console and calm her down from her tears. She’d just spent a heap of money she didn’t have because of the pressure of her friends and not wanting to be that one who didn’t go.

So there’s really only 2 paths you get to follow out a nursing degree - graduate programme at a hospital for a year or aged care until you can move into a hospital. Ideally, you'd want to get a grad programme as it’s the one that’ll set you up best. You’d effectively get to start working in a hospital, start building relations with people who do this for a living and get real, real world experience. That’s what we were hoping she’d get. So the news dropped, she was accepted. My girlfriend was going to be a graduate nurse next year. Her 21st is a month and a half away. Life is looking great.

I got a message pop up on my phone, a friend of my girlfriend (we'll call her Y) was trying to organise something a bit bigger for her present - something she had hoped to get the help from all of my girlfriends’ friends who were coming along to her 21st. The item on the agenda? A travel voucher for going to Europe. Now thinking logically here, vouchers are normally something that have a value attached and pretty much every single one I’ve ever seen before has an expiry date, normally 12 months from the purchase date. Now remember that she’s starting a grad programme - something that she’ll be in for the next 12 months from when she starts, but she’s not quite finished uni, at least yet. Atop this, we’ve got no idea how this grad programme works. Does she get public holidays off? Is it like uni and it’s every week day? How much leave does she have?

I did the thing I felt was right. I didn’t want her friends spending money on something she couldn’t use, so I sent her friend a message privately. “It's a great idea, but don't lock her in with a voucher that has an expiration date. Maybe give her cash toward it instead? I'd absolutely hate to see the gift from her friends go to waste if she can't get time off or fill the difference in money to go. She was a bit stressed out and upset about Melbourne and resultantly money - if she's doing Europe, I would like to see her be able to go over and not worry about it”. “will take it on board” was her response. Soon after, messaged to the group; “Hey folks ticket for Europe next year is no longer a viable option so I shall have to call this off.”

I never wanted to be a party pooper or spoil it. Going overseas is a big thing, well at least to me - I’ve never done it before and I’m a strong believer of doing things properly first time. Either way, that was the last I heard of it, well at least for a while.

Somewhere in October and early November, we were talking about having time away before she started her grad programme. I believe it was her idea and after not having a holiday from work for 5 years, I was totally down for it. So began the planning. We looked at everything and came out with a 2 week road trip kicking off in Melbourne and ending up in Brisbane. We planned everything.- where we were staying, transport, car hire and air fares - we just had to book. But being the type of person I am, I needed my parent’s approval. So what I’m 24, it just respect Plus we all have high morals in our family. Finally, after what felt like an eternity of discussions, they said okay to it, but they weren’t keen on the car hire component. Over the course of a night, we worked on re-planning the trip and opted to fly and bus between the major capitals. It wasn’t the plan but who cares, we were going.

January 2016, my girlfriend and I went for our first holiday together to the east coast. It was one of the best fortnights in memory. Here we were, just me and her figuring things out on our own and making what would be one of the first big memories of our life together.

On our way back, I realised it had hit me - I had the travel bug. This wasn’t going to be the last time for us and it was mutual. We had a chat toward the end of our little venture. New Zealand was next - if not this year, then we’d aim for 2017.

Everything was perfect. She started her grad programme and as information trickled through, we found that she was entitled to leave, which was just mint - maybe we could hit NZ sooner.

About 1/2 way through the year, I was walking to the bathroom at her house to brush my teeth before bed when in the hallway she made a passing comment, “Y Friend and I are going to Europe”. It hit me like a wall. I wasn’t expecting it. There was nothing else; no warning, no talking, just that. It was like she had no feeling like she could talk to me about things. It was all of a sudden with no hints or lead up to it other than well, the suggestion of a travel voucher. I didn’t know what to make of it and looking back on it, I still don't. I honestly don't remember talking about it anymore that night - it didn’t feel like she wanted to either.

I should interject the story here with a small detail about her friend - since before the 21st, she's never gone out of her way to talk to me. You'd think being a best friend that she'd try with some effort to talk to a partner, but surprisingly not so. And this would become more evident at later points when we catch up

So fast forward a bit (memory is a bit sketchy and I don’t recall anything happening that’s of note) and I’m about to head to a cousin’s wedding down south. It’s about a 4-5 hour drive to get there and fortunately Mum put her hand up to drive. Most of us in my family had work on the Saturday morning we were heading down so we all planned to be hitting the road around 10am. I got up at 4am, worked from 5-9 and was home ready to go. We picked up my sisters on the way though and off we were. I don’t like sleeping while I’m travelling during the day. If there’s scenery I haven’t seen before out the windows, I’m gonna see it.

Being so far from town, we had sketchy mobile reception, but I could send and receive text messages. Sometimes, they just took a bit of time to send and well, I’d have to move around a bit. Unfortunately my girlfriend wasn’t invited to the wedding, so she was off to Y friends’ house.

The wedding was amazing. I’ve never seen a farm shed decorated so beautifully and lit with the most perfet lighting. As a photographer, I was kicking myself that I hadn't brought my camera along with me. But for something to be so good, something equally negative had to happen. My sister was either drunk or her drink was spiked and boy did she look like she’d seen a ghost. That was it, night over at 10:45pm. A crowd of people - one of our family members a doctor - trying to see if she’s okay and help her out. Then there’s our family, first to leave to head back to the motel. Mum was not happy - at all. We knew my sister had been drinking and that’s all mum could focus on - she was drunk. So I’ll spare the details on the arguments, but lets just say sleeping that night wasn’t going to be a thing - even if I was up at 4am earlier that morning.

Having such a horrid time, I needed some cheering up and fortunately I could pick up 3G on my phone, so liking photography, I decided Instagram was the go.

It didn’t take much scrolling until I found a post that made my heart feel like it had just died...

Keep reading... Part 2 is just over here.

[littleletterstomyself]

Hello world!

I'm A, currently 26 and we'll, I'm into a lot of things; music, photography, technology and design just to name a few. I'm one of those types of people who always have something on. I find being busy helps me keep going, in a good way of course. I used to write a journal - a diary if you must - and at another point, a blog. For ages I've kind of been wanting to get back into it again. I even came up with a name - "Pardon my Ignorance". Uhh what? I'm a little out of touch on some things. I've lived a life that's had a bit of sheltering from certain aspects. It's not always a bad thing though. I never caught the bus to school because I have a mum who preferred to spend time with my sisters and I and well, this meant I didn't really go much place else until I got my license. Long story short, that name was taken over here on the ol' tumblr. So plan B it is! So what can you expect over here? I really loved the TV show "How I Met Your Mother". I started watching it late - I think they were up to season 3 or so on TV and I knew I was missing things -jokes and gags about the characters histories. I went all the way back to the start to watch it and well, took my time to finish it. The show ended in 2014 and I finished it about 2 months ago, in 2017. I don't watch much TV obviously. Man the ending was devastating - I kind of clued on to it part way through, but it still hit the feels. Why am I telling you about my favourite TV show? Well I loved the idea of telling kids the story of how your life played out. I really need to ask my parents more about their history because it's fascinating. So that's what this is - a place for me to write little letters to myself that hopefully someone will one day read to hear my little piece of history. Some of the posts will be about the past and others will be more of a blog covering things happening today. There's a heap of things I want to write about so I'm going to stop this post right here. Hope you enjoy it and feel free to get in touch. -A