livefastdiepretty723

[livefastdiepretty723]

(to myself) Is she bothering you

[livefastdiepretty723]

[livefastdiepretty723]

Does tumblr have a word limit on posts now? Or does it just hate me for composing my posts on my phones note pad?

HELLO IT‘S ME AGAIN CONT’D....

The pandemic has like put life on pause as time drags but rushes by us. You can only go out to eat and bitch about work stuff so much. I miss sports, the movies, hell I miss hugs and I’m not a hugger. I wanna be able to travel. I wanna go see my friend in Ohio and do all these things we’ve talked about. Shenanigans! I wanna see my friends who live down east. I wanna go to football games. Go to the movies. But when? I’ve been to football games since the pandemic, 2... just 2 and I’m an every home game, sometimes two in a week, and maybe a pro game girl. It sucks with a mask because I’m loud. You scream for a few minutes in a mask.. Not fun. If it’s warm or hot... gag. If it’s chilly the mask is a nice way to keep your face warm.

I’m just

Empty.

Alone.

Exhausted.

Fed up.

Bored.

I feel like there is nothing left for me to offer. That no one cares. Why bother anymore. Why go the extra mile? It doesn’t get recognized. But lord if I have an off day at work.. that definitely does. But the slackass people keep slacking and being praised for the lack there of.

I’m like George Bailey... I don’t wanna be here any more. Clarence where are you? I think I need my guardian Angel to show me “it’s a wonderful life” with me in it and how it would be with out me. Y’all need to watch that if you haven’t before. The past few years I’ve opted out of the family viewing of that on Christmas Eve because I’m just blah and down and out. Maybe I should have watched.

[livefastdiepretty723]

Hello tumblr, it’s me again... I have so many thoughts and not enough words. I had plenty of words to express thinking, pondering,debating on whether to spew my feelings here or just continue to bottle. I chose to attempt to unload my overflowing bottle of emotions. Because why express them it falls on deaf ears or it’s me being dramatic? It’s been awhile, but I’m still the same screwed up hot mess I’ve always been. Maybe more so now than before. Forgive me for neglecting you, trying to let go and move on with out you tumblr. Every one else left and seems to be thriving. Growing up, doing big things, finding themselves. But here I am.. stuck in a what seems to be a never ending rut. Spinning my wheels. The longer this pandemic goes on, the more I see the positive. I’m becoming an extremely bitter, angry person. I feel like my life has become go to work, work, come home, maybe nap or not (more often than not it’s nap), make myself take a shower (if it’s hair washing day, it’s a long drawn out process of dread), stay up to late dreading the next day, work.. The weekends are no more exciting... I’ve been sleeping them away. Yet I’m always tired. Exhausted- emotionally and mentally... more so than physically. I hate being the mask nazi at work. Y’all are grown just wear the damn thing and maybe we can stop wearing them forever from now or so it feels that way. Just like retail, people don’t read. They don’t read forms that were required to have them fill out. They bitch. And I apologize, like I have a choice in whether they do or don’t sign them. Let me just say teachers seem to be the worst at following instructions. Missing stuff, not bringing something, etc. I’m not saying they all are bad. Some people just don’t care. Like do you drive with out your drivers license? It’s illegal. Why come to the doctor with out an insurance card and now a mask? I’m sick of faking it. I’m not happy. Granted now it’s hidden behind whatever fabric pattern I’m wearing that day. I’m more and more anxious in public. I don’t enjoy shopping anymore. I’ve become a male shopper (get my stuff and get out). Browsing and not rushing is a thing of the past, if I even go in a store. Online shopping has been a savior... I get in just as much trouble on target.com as I do in the store. I miss the treasures I could uncover in my almost weekly trips to tj Maxx. Gone are those days, it’s been months since I’ve been there. No desire to go, no energy to make the effort to get there. No energy, no motivation, no desire... I haven’t seen the gym in months. I went back twice maybe since they reopened before they made it mandatory to wear your mask while working out. No thank you. I’m already fat and out of shape I don’t wish to feel like I’m dying behind a mask. Plus the thought of working out with a mask makes me want to hyperventilate. Hell I do that some Mondays after being at home in the house all weekend MASKLESS. Did I feel better when I was in the gym every day or almost every day? Yes. One would ask why don’t you work out at home.. I’ve been trying it, the act of dragging my ass to the gym meant I had to do it since I was there. I don’t know why that mind set doesn’t work at home. Hell I could work out naked if I wanted to at home. NOT that I would. The tanning bed at the gym might motivate me to go back. But I could go and just tan and leave. It might make me feel a little better. Or it could make me feel guilty for not working out too. I want it to get warm so I can walk. But I feel like the pandemic has stole my friend I walked with. I’ve tried talking to her but I haven’t spoke to her since thanksgiving... I guess that chapter is closed, idk... having a friend to walk with was great it was exercise and “therapy”. Speaking of friends... I feel like I don’t have any these days. I legit only talk to my co-workers and maybe one other person on a daily basis. I guess no one misses me or cares. Maybe I’m the failure here... not a strong enough effort on my part. It’s not like we can really go do much. Or that we have much to talk about.

[livefastdiepretty723]

33 over and out

Daytona doesn’t feel right this year; it’s been a normal thing for my family to see Dad off for the start of race season. Sneaking valentines in his suitcase (sorry I’m a slacker and I couldn’t find one I liked before he left this year. #fail) and talking to him when we can while he’s gone. Boy has technology made that easier. I remember when it was just the hotel phone. Now we’ve got a plethora of options from the traditional phone call to face time. This year there’s a heavy uneasy feeling draped over it, for me at least. I can’t imagine how Dad feels, and when I think about how he probably feels I go through a whirlwind of emotions myself. I go through a list of the why and how questions too. He’s a year shy of the magical number when people traditionally retire but they decide to do this? What is this you might be asking… Laid off, let go, canned, or fired- I’ll let you pick the term you prefer. I have one that I prefer but it’s not very nice so I’ll give you a nicer version of that screwed up. They screwed up. For those of you who don’t know the back story let me fill you in, the cliff notes edition. My dad has been around racing most of his life. I know him and my grandpa used to go to the “bull ring” as he likes to call Bowman Gray. He started his career or got his foot in the door over at BG. He sold pit passes from the trunk of his car.  Next was some timing and scoring business at both BG and Hickory Motor Speedway. Then he was working on the end of pit road, standing there with the “pit road open/closed sign.” We’ve even got a Daytona post card of him doing that. When I was in fifth grade, he parked the big brown truck and made the NASCAR thing his full time gig. I remember in college asking him for a resume so I could have some inspiration for how to get mine together. His reply was I don’t have one; I’ve never really needed one. I was shocked, but he comes from the old school. About a month ago I was eating lunch when Mom sent me a text, I couldn’t believe what it said. They’d let him go, they let my dad go? What? I’m sure there was a good country mile between my lower jaw and the roof of my mouth. I was dumbfounded, I couldn’t even think. I wanted it to be a bad dream or a joke except you don’t joke about that kind of thing. How could they do that? I still don’t see that going well. But what do I know I’m bias. Bias because he’s my dad, one of the hardest working people I know, he’s one of the smartest (at least street smarts, don’t invite him to any spelling bees, he’d be phoning a friend.), and he loves what he does. Has he worked a day in his life?? Since they say do something you love and you’ll never work a day in your life. I know he said the other day that he enjoys what he does. I envy that, I want to find something that I enjoy and I’m that passionate about. College football doesn’t count does it? So Sunday we wave the checkered flag on this 40 year plus career. Retire, I don’t think so. He doesn’t know how to not work. He’s going to find something else to get into and be just as awesome at that as he was with NASCAR. I think we all have ideas of what he should do next or what we’d see him doing. Nobody can throw a caution like him “put it out!”  33 forever (that’s his radio call number for those of you that don’t know)

[livefastdiepretty723]

I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotion this week..

The typical depression.

The disagreement fueled by our own blue moods, exhaustion and stress.

The travel of here there an everywhere at work... I miss 1134 and going in at 830.

The news I’m stuck in a satellite office working in the endo suite... it’s not my favorite satellite and it’s not check out. But it’s not a punishment.

I need to be tired so I can actually I don’t know sleep? But between my anxiety and being upset I don’t sleep well. And because of work I don’t sleep enough at night.

I’m going to miss potato day tomorrow. I’m gonna miss that for a while. :(

I tried to call him last night... straight to voicemail. I’m really worried about him. I almost drove to his house after getting my hair done tonight but I didn’t. I’ve went from an angry-ish ugly cry, to a worried cry, to an anxiety attack walking, to a strange since of calm, to a worried anxious feeling. I want to know he’s ok and that he doesn’t hate me. I wish I could do more to help allievate his stress, and make him feel better.

I doubt talking to anyone would help. I really just wanna talk to him. Hell I’ve started sleeping with my ringer on just in case.

[livefastdiepretty723]

[livefastdiepretty723]

[livefastdiepretty723]

Westmount, QC. Photo by mtlgent

[livefastdiepretty723]

Who knows... I don’t

Maybe I care more about you than I do myself. But it hurts me to know you feel bad about yourself, that you’re down in the dumps and stressed. I want to help you, but you don’t want me to. Instead it feels like you’d rather push me away than let me try to be there. I can’t make any of it go away, the work stress, the holidays, the situation with your dad, or that you feel bad about yourself. I can listen, I can help you with stuff that might make life easier, reassure you, and I can hug you. You say that you don’t want to make me feel bad. Lately I’ve felt like shit not because of you, empty and alone. You know what I’ve wanted to escape that? You. But right now I wonder does that matter. Just like you might as well have ripped my heart out when you said “I really like you as a friend... “ Hmm... friend? That makes me feel like shit. So those three words you’ve said a few times and I’ve said back and would say more but I don’t. We’re friend love? I know mine came from a deeper place in my heart. I guess that’s my fault for caring and wanting more. I’m in the wrong. And yes I’m going to shut down. And of course it works my nerves when it’s I’ll talk to you whenever. I really wanna be like why bother saying it. It makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit. I hold it in, I hide it... I lose it when you can hear it. I stay up over thinking it, I eat my feelings at night and barely eat during the day and when sleep is an option I overdose on it. I’ve broke down more walls with you than anyone, but does it matter?

[livefastdiepretty723]

[livefastdiepretty723]

[livefastdiepretty723]

Everyone loves the “I miss you” message.

[livefastdiepretty723]

My favorite place to be ✈️

[livefastdiepretty723]

[livefastdiepretty723]

Maybe it’s my hormones, maybe it’s me overthinking it.

I know Christmas isn’t supposed to be about the presents. But I like to give them. This year I haven’t gotten anyone anything aside from what I got my mom. I had an idea for N. I’ve had it since before last month for his birthday. But my car and it’s $2k plus repair happened that idea came to a screeching hault and I took him to dinner instead.

I was talking to him tonight hoping he’d pick one because I’m not going to spend almost $200 on you. A Darth Vader humidifier ($89 on amazon) or a Charley Hoffman hat (a $100 plus donation to his foundation gets the hat) He gets all quiet and starts talking real low almost like a child in trouble or scared to say something. I was like are you ok? Do you not want me to get you a gift? I like getting you things. In that same sad low voice no because I don’t know what to get you... I’m easy to shop for but I feel bad out and out asking him for something. Because I’d love a 2018 World Series champions hoodie, those timberland boots I would never buy for myself, a Louis Vuitton bag (in my dreams). Instead of dragging it out I just said ok I won’t get you anything.

It makes me sad. I want to give him something but I don’t want him to feel bad for not getting me anything either. It also makes me feel this way because he’s known me over a year and can’t find something he could get me? Yes I shop more than I used to but I usually by work clothes. It’s not like I buy everything I want.

So now I’m just sitting here overthinking about it getting sadder by the minute. I think I need to put my big girl panties on and say it bothers me and why.

[livefastdiepretty723]