livelydreamofutopia-blog

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Crying

Am I the only one who starts crying as soon as there’s only a hint of onion in the room?

Am I the only one who, while crying because of the onion, immediately finds another reason for crying?

Am I the only one who goes like „If I‘m already crying, I might as well start crying because of ...“

Am I the only one who can cry for 4 hours straight and finds it in a way comfortable to cry?

Please tell me I‘m not.

[livelydreamofutopia-blog]

time is running.

I can’t keep up with time. It’s running and I feel like being 3 mins behind all the time. Until I get what happened 3’ ago, 3 new minutes of my life were already happening.

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strange thoughts of someone clean

Am I the only one who sometimes wishes I was addicted? That sounds so stupid..

Let me get this straight.

I know addiction is an illness with countless faces, and most of them aren’t pretty. Addiction isn’t only bad for the person who’s directly affected; families break because of addiction and its consequences can be severe for many people..

There was a time when I struggled to keep up with all the things changing in my life, which led to sleeping disorders. I didn’t tell anybody about them as long as possible, but when people wondered why I was that tired, I started taking medication to ease me into sleeping. At the beginning it worked, until I realized that I couldn’t sleep anymore without taking this little pill. Like, even if I hadn’t had this mess in my life, I wouldn’t have been able to sleep without taking a sleeping pill. I knew that wasn‘t good, but still was too afraid to tell someone. So I started „getting clean“ silently and on my own. It wasn’t easy but I made it because I knew how important it was to stop.

Today, I’m glad I was smart enough to realize how serious it was. I was never really addicted or at least found the point at which it was still possible to turn away.

When I say, I miss being addicted, I don’t mean drugs. I don’t mean the feeling of being completely calm, the moment when my thoughts become silent, and a warm darkness hugs me and lulls me into sleep.. I’ve found other ways which have the same effect while being a lot healthier..(tea, meditation)

The thing I miss is that feeling of “knowing something for sure”.. I could rely on the effects of the medication a hundred percent. I knew exactly what was going to happen after I took that pill. Even though it wasn’t a good thing, it felt good to have a constant thing in my life. While everything else seemed to slowly fall apart, I knew that there was a procedure which wouldn’t change, which was loyal to me.. Do you know what I mean? repeating things over and over again gives you this certain sense of security..

I sometimes miss this easy way of getting that sense..(because that’s what it was: easy. I just took one pill and everything seemed to be alright).. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a “I want to take a pill” drive, it’s a “man, why can’t it be that easy again?” question, which has one simple answer: because that’s how life is.. not always easy. but worth it.

Today, it still isn’t easy to calm myself down, even though I know it’s possible and worth it. I’ll never start taking pills again because I’ve found ways of dealing with this craving for structure.. and of course, I learned a lot during the process of getting my body to stop ruining itself. So I’m somehow torn between being thankful for the lessons I learned and missing how easy life seemed to be.

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The sky seemed to be on fire..

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sleep? who ever heard of such a thing! the internet is always awake and waiting to be discovered

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What should be said:

others: what’s wrong with her? doesn’t she have friends? Why is she always alone?

me: hey guys. so first of all,

fyi I do have friends. they are the best friends one could ever wish for, and I’m immeasurably thankful for having them.. so that’s not the point! (even if you guys wish it was). the point is that while being alone, I’m not lonely. There are so many thoughts, memories, songs, yeah even people inside my head.. there’s not a chance to feel lonely.

others: are you saying that there are voices inside your head?? I knew it, she’s a psycho!

me: everybody has these voices. some call it intuition, others god.

The difference between me and other people is that I listen to these voices. not only do I listen, but I reply to them.. while others don’t like the feeling of being controlled by their mind, I treat these voices with respect, because they are strong and more powerful than one could ever imagine. the only way to regain control over the mind is to befriend it so that it is willing to do you good.

others: are you saying you like these crazy moments?

me: exactly. I see it as some

sort of quality time. while others put some masks on their faces and call it “self care”, I take care of my mind by listening, asking, and feeling what it has to say..

others: that means you like obeying the orders of your mind..

me: wait! who said I obey?

I’m listening to it but as I said, it is a conversation with mutual participation. I can agree or disagree..

I can do whatever I want to as long as I give reasons which (in the best case) lead my mind to accepting decisions against its will.

others: so you’re talking to yourself?? eww that’s strange.

me: I don’t have to talk.

but back to the point:

I’m not lonely when I’m alone. In fact, I need this time alone. I enjoy it. I’m not sad. I don’t wish people were by my side. There is a time for being with friends, which I enjoy and love.. and there’s a time for being alone. and I wouldn’t want to miss one of the two.

thanks for listening guys.

[livelydreamofutopia-blog]

That one saved my day, filled my empty heart with joy, and my anxious mind with hope.

recipe for the future

You need:

time

a spoonful of take-it-as-it-comes

a hint of qualifications (e.g.: kindness, love, dedication, hope)

ten grams of openness

a dose of confidence

an sprinkle of motivation

time

some ideas, three applications and one telephone call

an occasional smile

How to make:

mix it all together (works best by dancing), leave to rest, knead, then put in sun (vitamin d is important) and wait for results! if dissatisfied, repeat kneading process

Tip: try asking for help. sometimes you need a new perspective

[livelydreamofutopia-blog]

but sometimes the shadows overwhelm the light.

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normally, the best moments in life don‘t make it to social media. then there‘s tumblr.