living-in-spite-of-them

[living-in-spite-of-them]

I actually do feel like the "unemployed friend on a Tuesday" meme actually helps de-stigmatize unemployment because it frequently affirms that when you don't have a job you're more likely to be getting up to some weird shit rather than just lazing around. But I also feel like the unemployed friend is frequently up to some random shit because there's a whole pile of miscellaneous life tasks that full-time employment keeps people from. The unemployed friend is helping their cousin move, or babysitting, or checking in with a neighbor with mobility issues. The unemployed friend is a walking thesis on the inflexibility of our current labor landscape and just how much work exists outside of work.

[living-in-spite-of-them]

you're not quite an emergency, is the thing. you're just having a bad spell. so what if you can't ever really catch your breath. can't ever really feel at ease. a buzzing, terrible feeling.

but emergencies are loud, and passionate, and hit the floor. you are not a lion or a hurricane, you just live in a pretty okay apartment and your back hurts. you wake up and drag yourself out of bed and banish what if i was dead thoughts like cobwebs. you pick out your clothes and try to stay active. you apply for jobs on the internet.

the anxiety is a wave, and the depression is a spiral. the other stuff keeps things "colorful." you mitigate your symptoms and take your meds when you have them and you try to hang out with friends. you go home and your head is full of riverwater. no matter how much you sleep, you still stay tired. you journal and practice gratitude and build from the bottom upwards. and still, the haunting.

you're not a 911 call or a shriek. you're just staring up at the ceiling and feeling the house settle into your bones. you feel you are playacting as a wolf when you're only a sheep. not quite dry and not quite drowning.

over and over, you slog through the creek.

[living-in-spite-of-them]

these days when you close your eyes, what else do you want but to be loved in a warm and permanent way. the open soft hand, the lowered voice, the blanket around your shoulders. you want to be loved like hot chocolate, like spring flowers, like dawn. you want to go to sleep protected and wake up fully rested. you want the wounds in you to matter, you want someone who is patient around your scars.

how greedy. these days when you look around, how many little ways are you assaulted by the notion that it's wrong to need others. individualism! capitalism! bootstraps! every time you try to language it, you need to cover up your desire into a carefully-worded soundbite: of course no single person can fulfill every need and we must invest in communities and i must be responsible for my own mental health and

but the yawning in you doesn't understand logic or sound or reason. it only sees sundays, only sees what you do-not-have, only sees the look others share and that you so desire. sick with dread at it, sick at how it makes you want, how you yearn in no direction.

no matter how many people you take with you to bed, no matter how many hands touch the tattoo you share with your sibling, no matter how many times you kneel with your knees bleeding. always, the ache that never stops chewing, the desperate sick loneliness that never quite abates. it never stops humming, i need i need i need. you burn your inner child for warmth and scatter the ashes into your morning coffee.

so you shut up and you load your life like shotgun shells and you try to make yourself whole in the way that others are whole. you let your father's words spill out of your mouth. you make a quick joke rather than tear your heart open. you sing into the mic and go home with stars in your eyes. your life is beautiful and you're lucky! you have everything a person can need!

but it would be nice, is the thing. to have a love that feels like peace.

[living-in-spite-of-them]

i worry so often - is the goodness in me a veneer. a rough white spackling of champagne toasts and friday evenings and too-quick jokes. i feel i am always building myself back up again, always trying to stack boxes on top of a rotted foundation. i mutate myself, hoop-jumping to some semblance of normalcy by journaling and eating right and "trying harder". try as i might: i know the form i began with, and that always feels more permanent. i was born as an anvil. i could never be the weightless sword.

the happiness and the joy is malleable, fragmented. but the despair? the despair remains. every time i drag my fingers down the tide of my soul, like black sand, i watch the sapphire grief glitter in the moonlight - somehow always-there, in despite.

[living-in-spite-of-them]

You had me at a point where i would’ve left the entire world behind for you

[living-in-spite-of-them]

- mom i’m tired

the manuscript- taylor swift/ thirteen/ class of 2013- mitski/ 13 going on 30/ wonderland- taylor swift/ cat city- vewn/ @death-born-aphrodite/ skins/ @inkskinned

[living-in-spite-of-them]

People seriously underestimate the long term effects of constant loneliness

"why are you so weird?" Idk, maybe because being completely isolated while growing up has destroyed my brain and now I'm nothing more than a human-mimicking creature that bases all of my actions on what I think is normal human behavior rather than just doing things naturally

[living-in-spite-of-them]

@ryebreadgf / The Truth About Grief, Fortesa Latifi / bone deep, m.v.e / Sidewalk, Richard Silken / unknown / 60 hours, m.v.e / @itsblackleader / Salt, Nayyirah Waheed / @heavensghost

[living-in-spite-of-them]

Thought for the day

If you're an only child you have the power to end an entire bloodline. Like you could just not have kids and that would be it.

[living-in-spite-of-them]

a god hurt me, i fell - a web weave

for my OC: Elara Miracle (info)

Sources:

Unknown

The Living Series, Jenny Holzer

Poppies, Holly Warburton

poetry is stored in the tags

English Song, Fernando Pessoa

Vox Machina, Critical Role (Episode 63)

The Wing, Xooang Choi

Portrait of Illness as Nightmare, Leila Chatti

Unknown

The Sacrificial Lamb, Josefa de Óbidos

helen of troy cleans up after the barbeque, Maria Zoccolo

Harrow the Ninth, Tamsyn Muir

How To Rest, The Crane Wives

[living-in-spite-of-them]

In another life, we learned to talk. I was unhurt, and you healed.

[living-in-spite-of-them]

heard someone say "they dont need me the way i need them" about their parents in reference to being an only child and im absolutely gutted.

[living-in-spite-of-them]

the worst thing that i have now realized is that i became what i always wanted. People look up to me as a older sibling to help them when my entire life all i wanted was someone. the thing is though i dont see them as that, theyre my kiddos yes they will always be and i will always care but the amount of times i wanted someone to hold me like i do them or someone to listen as i cried like i will always be is crazy to me. like am i the person thats wrong because i will never turn my back on them but they will someday out grow me, and i set them up so that they will. And I cant be mad because now I feel useful they will always be my kiddos to me but it just hurts me that there was never anyone like this for me to look over me like i do them.

[living-in-spite-of-them]

Sophia Loren / Unknown / @ ojibwa / Adélia Prado / Unmade Bed by Sally Strand / Paul Auster / Unknown / Lucille Clifton / Unknown Artist / Kaveh Akbar / Unknown Artist / Marguerite Duras / Claude Monet

[living-in-spite-of-them]

[living-in-spite-of-them]

Ran across this tiktok about being an only child and it hit home. I'll type what the person wrote.

"You're so lucky to be an only child" I spent the majority of my time alone as a child. The pressure to not disappoint my parents is unbearable All their hopes and dreams are instilled in only me And when they are gone, I'll have no one to share the pain with

[living-in-spite-of-them]

The things no one tells you about being an only child-

You're so soul-crushingly lonely all the time. You feel like you're missing out on some fundamental part of being human, yet everyone tells you you're lucky. When your parents fight you're either dragged into it or completely isolated- there's no one to relate to. You're told your "mature" but it's just because you spend all your time around adults. You love your friends like family but you know they'll always love their siblings more than they love you. You have so much pressure on you all the time- you're expected to be the golden child. Yet you're also treated like a baby. The attention is on you 24/7 but you're still lonely. You're convinced your parents are always right and your points are invalid because there's no one to take your side. If your parents want more kids but can't have them, you feel like you're not enough. Your parents are your only family, your everything, but they need time without you. You're the third wheel in their relationship. You're paralyzed by the fear that someday they'll die and your entire family will be gone. You feel unable to make close relationships with people your age.

You feel all of this and more, but sure, you're lucky because you don't share a room.