loganstopsurgerydiary

[loganstopsurgerydiary]

feeling the nerves grow back through your chest after top surgery is such a unique experience. it's been a little over a year now, so I've regained almost all feeling and I experience this a lot less frequently, but I would feel the brief shooting pains people experience, but also a strange, electric feeling through not just my skin but what felt the like meat of my chest. It was like I had become aware of all my flesh there. It sort of tingled, not unpleasantly, but very strangely. Like a small electric buzzing through different portions at a time as feeling slowly came back. The sensation would only last a minute or so and would only happen every so often, maybe a few times a week. but it was a very unique experience

[loganstopsurgerydiary]

It's wild to me, a year since having had top surgery. Every single second, even recovering, I've been so grateful and relieved. Right before going into surgery, I felt nervous. I'd never had major surgery like this before and although I'd wanted top for years at that point, the fact that it was so close felt too big for me to really understand. And then from the SECOND I woke up after surgery I was so so happy. I remember sitting in the recovery room in that bed, opening my eyes, and immediately feeling relief. I picked up my hand and put it on top of the bandages and it was flat and I felt this strong sense of rightness. I remember feeling distinctly restored.

And every since, I've been struck by how I needed absolutely no time to adjust. I feared post surgery depression or regret or some sort of lingering sadness but I was entirely at peace. It was as though this was how I was always meant to be and my brain fell in step seamlessly. It was easy to forget I'd even had surgery, so normal I suddenly felt. It's only been recently that I've really stopped and APPRECIATED how lucky I am and how amazing that this miracle actually happened, that it happened to me, that I could be living in a state distinctly less whole than I am now but I'm not because this surgeon preformed literal magic over me.

So anyway all this to say I'm so so grateful for my blessings. A few years ago I was convinced I'd live and die without any of this and it staggers me now to see how far I've come. I hope my experience with bottom surgery will be equally as peaceful and that there's a future me remembering me now, equally staggered yet again by the progress I will make. I love my body so much now, I could burst with the gratitude I feel for it. I love myself for the work I did to bring myself here

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The deed is done!!! I'm so excited and happy. I'll give more detail later but I'm too tired rn to say more

[loganstopsurgerydiary]

im excited to get top surgery bc oh blah blah disphoria back pain slouching not a girl but mainly because i have been planning for over a year a joke thats about to pay off:

my family does not know i am getting surgery so i made sure to get all the same bathings suits i wore last year in a new size and just straight up gas light my aunt about it

[loganstopsurgerydiary]

This past week has been grueling. The wait is never ending!! And I have very little to distract me. On Monday, we leave to drive up to the surgeons office.

[loganstopsurgerydiary]

It was 14 days til today. I've already written the itinerary and booked the hotel room, and today I bought some of the things I'll need like vitamins and wipes and Vaseline and whathaveyou.

Ideally, I'll have everything so set to go and prepared that when the time comes, I won't have to worry abt a thing. I can't believe it's so close.

[loganstopsurgerydiary]

25 days til!

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50 days til!

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75 days til top surgery!!

[loganstopsurgerydiary]

My surgery is in less than 100 days 😁

[loganstopsurgerydiary]

While I was going through old photos the other day, I stumbled upon pictures of me from when I still had boobs. I stared at the pictures for a moment and honestly couldn't recognize the person in the photographs as me.

Even though I'd only just had top surgery a couple of months ago, it feels like my chest has been this way my whole life.

[loganstopsurgerydiary]

[loganstopsurgerydiary]

my surgeon, probably: so, have u thought about– me, definitely: *opens powerpoint* I have prepared a dossier

[loganstopsurgerydiary]

I realized I was trans when I was 21, but for personal reasons I was not able to begin transitioning until this past year. I started hrt on April 12 2022, and my life has since taken a swift and drastic turn for the better. I've never been happier!

I never believed hrt would ever be possible for me, and so it didn't even really occur to me that top surgery was a real option now until I was a few months on t. It had always felt like such a pipe dream. It was a shock to realize that this was a pipe dream that could now become real! I began doing serious research around maybe 3 months on hrt.

I did what I imagine most people do. I searched surgeons near me on topsurgery.net and made a list and put pins in a map to see them all. After a little more research, I narrowed them down to a few potentials.

I noticed some people have very specific results they're looking for. They may even fall in love w a surgeon and travel across the country. I feel a lot more flexible. In truth, I'm just happy to be here, in this place I truly and wholeheartedly didn't think I'd live to see. Besides, i dont think I can really anticipate what my results will look like: it will be what it will be, and if there are cosmetic issues, they will be issues I can learn to deal with. Problems can arise with any surgeon, and I think as long as I pick a professional I trust, that's as far as I can control the outcome. So I was not picky with my options.

2 surgeons offices got back to me. I scheduled consults with them both.

At this point of time, I was experiencing a surprising rollercoaster of emotions I had not at all anticipated. For years before this moment, I was nothing but eager. If I could have flung myself onto thr surgeons table, I would have done it at the drop of a hat. But now that it was real and in front of me and I actually had to wrestle with my emotions about it, I experienced a shocking hesitation.

To this day I can't define these emotions exactly. I discussed it in therapy a lot with my wonderful therapist, who offered a lot of insight, but I never had an aha moment where I could name exactly what I was feeling. (I got a therapist specifically for my transition, knowing it would trigger other events in my personal life that would rock me emotionally and I'd need some help learning to manage my emotions. She's been fantastic.) It's possible that I still can't name these emotions because I'm still feeling them! Truth be told, I do not know. I'm usually pretty decent at identifying my feelings, but no matter how much I journaled, these ones were unfamiliar to me.

I spent a long time asking myself what I was scared of. Did i not want surgery after all? No, I decided, that was a resounding no: I wanted a flat chest. That I knew. Was I pushing myself too fast emotionally? Did I need to slow my transition down and let myself adjust? This was possible, though every conscious part of me didn't want to take anything any slower. I'd waited 27 years, and every other change I'd experienced had been like taking a first breath of relief. I'd never wanted to slow down before. Was I just afraid of surgery, having only had one bad experience with a wisdom tooth surgery in the past? Also certainly possible.

I had nightmares about hospital rooms, surgeons with rusty knives, waking up without anesthesia, and stitches popping and my skin falling open while I tried to pull myself back together. At 19, I'd gotten my wisdom teeth removed in the basement of a residential house, reacted poorly to the anesthetic, and had painful infections for a year. And who LIKES surgery?

I also knew my family wouldn't be involved in this process, and I felt nervous having surgery and taking what felt like a very daunting step in my journey without them. It would be nice to have them as part of my support system, but I knew I had to come to terms with the fact that they were not capable of being parents to me in all aspects of my life.

While I grappled with these confusing feelings, I was also making a plan to save money to pay out of pocket and filling out paperwork for the offices I was communicating with. For a few brief moments, with my credit card bill in front of me and nightmares of rusty knives and blood fresh on my mind, I wondered if I wouldn't be able to have surgery at all. Maybe this was too hard.

I've been extremely lucky and extremely supported since the beginning of this year, and I'm happy to say I got over these roadblocks.

I want to be helpful and give you advice if you're dealing with similar thoughts. I think I needed time to adjust to the idea that top surgery was real now, and that I was very alive and very lucky and good things were possible for me. I needed time to visualize a happy surgery, one without nightmares. Luckily, I didn't need all that much time comparatively. After a few months of therapy,a lot of journaling, and watching more youtube videos of peope having positive healing experiences and visualizing myself in their shoes, I became at peace with my decision and felt the excitement I had been expecting to feel the whole time.

I had 1 consult by this point w Dr raphael. I'd done my consult online only, since he's a little far from me. I sent in photos of my chest and talked at length with the secretary. I haven't met the dr yet, but I don't really feel the need to. He's done beautiful work on other people--thats good enough for me. Soon after sending in my photos, the office got back to me with a quote for surgery. I'm paying a fantastically cheap 7500 out of pocket, 1200 of which is a down payment.

I'm not wealthy, as I'm sure you can imagine. But I had a very good feeling about dr raphael, so I canceled the other consult, even though the other office could have potentially taken my insurance, and I scraped together the money for the down payment. This was a hard decision to make because I know I don't make much money, but I loved dr raphaels results and I had such a good gut feeling about him that I decided to take the leap anyway. I have marketplace insurance anyway--it's possible they wouldn't have covered the other office in the end.

I'm currently saving up the money to cover the time I'll be away from work, and I'm very happy to say I'm nearly done saving that. After that, I'll save up the money for the rest of the out of pocket cost. However, I will be financing what I won't have saved by the time April comes around. I've already set up a loan with a Healthcare credit bank recommended by the drs office, which was shockingly easy to apply for. If you'd like me to give you more info on that, I'd be happy to! Just send me a message.

And that's pretty much got you up to speed. I'm anxiously waiting my date, trying to be as frugal as possible. My luck in being here at this moment and having this opportunity is not lost on me. I know this is something I'm very blessed to have. Beginning hrt snd now getting this surgery date have been two of the best things to ever happen to me. Sometimes I wonder about what would have happened had I not had the courage to begin transitioning, and all I can say is that I'm somehow living the best possible life available to me. Even a year ago, this was not possible for me. But the karma wheel turned. If you aren't in this place with me yet, you can be in the future. If you are here, I'm excited for you! I hope this post and my future posts are a good resource for you.

I will continue to update as more happens. If you want to ask me anything about my experience, feel free!

[loganstopsurgerydiary]

Hello! My name is Logan. I'll be having top surgery April 4 2023. I can't tell you how grateful and lucky I feel to have this opportunity.

Throughout the course of my life, I have benefitted greatly from other trans people's openness about their experiences. I've watched all the youtube videos and read all the blogs. I'm a very private person by nature, esp about things like this, but I feel compelled to add my experience to the collection of literature about trans healthcare in order to express my gratefulness and give back to my community. I hope this blog is as helpful to you as countless other blogs have been to me in the past.