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[lokbobpop]

Ok

So after my not put up which i put in my car, i think it was more inquisitive to others than myself like my daughter friend and mum was like whats that about lol. But i did try to remember but I didn’t 100% work so tomorrow im going to write on my hand and see how that goes.

The tv just said its ‘very import to be here’ and i know this message was for me, the tv can bring me messages like that often if i listen. So tomorrow im going to write here on my hand and see if it helps for me to be here and present in as many moments as i can.

Other than that i. Looked again at how energy moves within my and how its like im fishing and as an energy passes me i hook on and im swapped away in the moments of them, so hopefully here will help me with these lost moments of energy.

I see there was an edge of wanting ot put someone down and not even thinking about doing self forgiveness about it which I will now do later and try from no on to do in the moment of the ick yep wher I get the ick it SF for sure.

I see i have a want to sign off now because i cant be bothered to do anymore writing and look for points within my day and just get back and watch some tv :) so this is an excellent point ot carry on typing :) this is the mind this isnt me. Me wants to write until the cows come home because me wants out of the dominate mind :) so im here for me not my mind and can even feel the mind say to me come on you just want to sit and do nothing watch tv come on lol and its not me so very interesting to watch, im not not going to stop writing until the mind gives in lol because it’s not me, so im just going to write all the mind is saying write now.

Writing through the mind is Avery interesting concept my ego just came up thinking this like wow your amazing for spotting this about yourself maybe you’re the first that has ever released this yes my ego like this, to crap in to who i am and make out it was me when it wasnt me i stepped away i let go and the mind filled that space.

:) maybe i will talk/write about the mind a bit everyday especially when it doesn’t want to write.

[lokbobpop]

Hi

So today i was meant to do something for the day from yesterdays writing and i totally for got as always so im looking at solutions to help me with remembering what im meant to be doing in my day, as my flirt thought was i so f ing stupid i can’t remember what im meant to be doing all the time how am i ever going to process with not even knowing what im meant to be doing, but all i need to so is have reminders around the house well i think so ill give it a go anf see how it goes, at least try it.

So tomorrow im looking at my moments with people how i am how i feel connect to the person, my thoughts feelings and emotions and so on. So support with this would be slow down to be as it were. So ‘slow down’ is going to go up on post it notes in my bathroom at first to see how i go and see if it supports me if not maybe more post its or something entirely different which im not sure and haven’t clue what that will be , but i will support myself to get the job done and learn something new.

It did take me some effort to get up from my couch today to help my mum clean my room lol yes i feel like I’m a kid again but hey if i cant do it lol i need help in motivation an this is The Who,e ppijnt of me wanting her to be here to help me organize my shit and she’s doing it.

I have to start on the shed and im dreading its so heavy all the stuff in there i really do to want to do it and i have to get at least this shed done. So tomorrow its on let get it going on :) so tomorrow i want to report back that i actually started doing something im my first shed ot what.

So living word slow down starts tomorrow with reminder and lets see how it goes.

[lokbobpop]

so my first day im thinking what can i write about， usually I have a mountain of things to talk about but today i have a bit of an empty mind lol which is nit at all possible with my current place within my mind.

So today keeping my clam was one thing i had to to something was broken and i was up set and i looked at how i was going to handle this situation, i thought it through and decided no thats not good enough to looked again without so much emotion and it was better, but when it came put it started ok but as it flowed old of my mouth it just was getting faster like and i was flowing with energy of getting angry and the friction started and the other person lost it, which was a shame but i see i just dont let this happen again, this should be my lesson to not let it happen again i need to learn from i thought about it tried it it went into energy did work and anything in energy doesn’t work, it always has consequences.

A goos word for me to look at today is the word lesson and i need stop and learn and not brush it by, like this was the lesson dont do it again you saw it was wrong and learn from that, so learn my lesson it the words i want to take with me today and use until tomorrow when i write tomorrow.

Learn my lesson, to take events from my day and use them to create a better life for myself. To see where i went wrong and change to be a better me from whats was wrong with my thoughts and deeds.

Gossip has been looking at me especially when out with friend i want to be the one talking saying about things i maybe should gossip about, so i want to take responsibility for what i say to other about others as i know better and should do better. Wit this i want to live the word gossip but redefined to support me and no bring me down.

Gossip go sip, it really is like you sit energy when you go into gossip hey. So

Gossip go’s see, to see all things from all sides when talking to another about another.

[lokbobpop]

The day after writing out whats good at the moment and whats not.

I have to admit it wasn’t until the afternoon that i thought about it something came up and it was like hey aren’t you supposed to be supporting yourself here!!! Then i gave myself a duh moment :( and thought ok from not on today, but nothing significant has come up because I haven’t been watching myself, whats more importantly is my self forgiveness for the slightest thing which is were i want to be getting down to the nitty gritty!

Im know thinking i should look at the small moments and take all these parts into consideration, as cerise once d said to me the devil is in the detail it sure is so getting these moments, someone just came over and my mind went into oh are you looking to see what i am writing about?? Lol just like this i need to be in on it no movement without my saying so should happen, i forgive myself for allowing and accepting the thoughts of judgment towards the person coming over near me not see what i an writing and my judgment of them being nosy see then as a persons that didn’t thing i could writing and but all awhile it was the fear of self judgment of not being good enough to and someone finding out and judging as not being that good at what’s im doing.

What else today ? Oh yes last night fear came up within me and again no SF was used when I couldn’t read the writing on the tv band I’ve noticed lately my eye sight has changed my rigth eye not being so good and now my long sight not being to good :( and the words Bernard wrote one day theres nothing you can do about your eyesight out of all your o physical ability’s to heal yourself so fear came up if its getting worse now this isnt good because A i must be doing something wrong to get more ailments now within my process and B i dont want to by glass for reading and glasses for long sight that would be a nightmare and a constant reminder of im not doing very well, and i forgive myself for allowing and accepting fear to come up within me with my eye as in they will never get better only worse and i dont like how they are getting worse all the time and how i have compared myself to others 20 plus shears older than me who dont wear glass at all! And seeing myself as less than within my process id hold myself as doing the best i can and will always try too do better.

So word of my day today is get up, as my mum has been pottering around while i look at market place and make phone calls, i commit to tomorrow to get up and do more tomorrow to show i can do this :) and no leave my house mess all down to my mum ：）

[lokbobpop]

Back again getting up again.

So im looking at Mykeys process of where am i now, where you write 5 or so things you’re doing well at on one side and 5 things you’re not doing well so on the other side and use the the side you are doing well on to support the side you are not doing well on.

So here we go 5 things i feel im doing well on.

1. I feel im catching my mind so much more often now, and it gives me chance to change whi i am within the moment. As a living word id say aware!

2 understanding that we are all coming from a different place, as in i have better seen not to judge another but to see realizes and understand we have all crosses to bear. This i will call understanding !

3. I feel my mind isnt to busy and i feel more aligned with myself which i will call self!

4. Breathe when in a moment of stress i feel is better than before. Id call this breathe

5. Posture has been better i feel im more straight at the back not so slouched which feel so much better in my body. Which i will call my physical.

Things im not doing so well with at the moment which im sure this part will be easy to write out lol

1 self forgiveness in the moment i just seem to skip this part and think its ok but its not as i dont get that full release from it. Supporting word would be or change the word im living here would be ‘let go’ allow myself to completely let go of the situation with SF

2 writing yes if you dont see a post from me everyday which what i want to do and have committed myself to doing, i find sitting on marketplace way to much and using it to oh i need this so i wont do it as i have to look to find something it’s important lol a supporting word here would be ‘get up move’ to use the this oh im busy and feel back asleep in my mind to get up and go write.

3 writing in chats i feel i will be judged but this all stems back to not loving myself enough to open my mouth to say something as I judged myself as not good enough and so on so this point would be good to look at. A supporting word would be self love i can love me it doesn’t matter what another thinks of me ever.

4 going into ego while talking, this is pissing me off when i see when im talking and there an energy of excitement i dont clear myself i go into this yes i like this feeling it feels good i have the floor everyone is listening listen to me lol now im not saying I shouldn’t talk but i should calm down while talking. A word here is stop yes stop would be good stop in the moment everything and see what im up to within.

5 seeing picture of friends judging and and going into imaginations where i see myself a better in some way like the superhero, the poor me poor Caroline which means thinking nasty spikeful thoughts about another. A word to support me here would be, its only a thought yes this would be good its not the real me its just what i have aloud myself to think as me.

[lokbobpop]

Can you Learn from every person you meet?

Well the answer is yes, there is so much you can learn from every human on this planet, we dont normally look but try having a look what you can see, or should i say what reflect from them, this would be probably the most interesting point within talking to another, and looking for a lesson. Like im with a person today who was very set in there ways, judgmental, but i could see that there were points about them, other than reflecting myself with parts that i got triggered by was that they had a strong will to get things done and I admired that about them, it was a ‘we can do it attitude” which was great so not only could i learn about the reflected part of myself but also a drive within them that i would like to see in myself. To not to give up is something id like to work on to get up after a fall fast and to not fall as often, to sharpen my pencil as it were :) and use that determination.

Also today a technician wanted to explain to me how his service was the best and that he wouldn’t rip me off lol usually when i hear this i think oh yeh your definitely going to then lol yes i can be very judgmental of people when they seek my approval of being a nice person. Only because i see it in myself of wanting to be liked so acted extra nice as it were to be like, ive got to ask why do i want to be liked? As being like this to someone is a form of manipulation i see, you want something from someone, they have something you want which is usually your money lol but of cause it would be to have attention of someone you admire or need something doing from them. Anyway where did i get to oh yes the technician while i could see the i dont trust you come up ,n i was like hang on a minute, how can you judge him so fast, give the guy a break with these little thoughts of judgment and just say yes, he’s convenient and hasn’t done a thing wrong yet so come on.

A taxi driver that obviously had a physical problem and just couldn’t stop burping i was like this feels horrible sat here having to listen to him belch every couple of minutes until i thought hang on this poor guy has obviously been through some emotional problems for him to result in this physical problem, and who am i to judge him with my own crap and physical problems??? So i learnt again, and i thing you can learn something from every person you meet, its an opportunity to see self and learn what ever form turns up, so every interaction is going to be special.

Living word to support me to stop and learn with all people i meet? Is consideration

Consideration, can see alter, can see shine.

To see realize and understand everyone has a gift

To see all others have there crosses to bare

The gift when slow down and listen.

[lokbobpop]

Well after some time off and being busy i see realize that you can make time, it just want and making the time to write a few words thats all it is, today while surfing the net after not looking for a while a certain things i was like yes you can look now but you have to write after, the after what might of been a hour or so it was like well you’ve looked now get writing, and that little moment came up and i was like nah, yes that moment i was like this is you key moment to break through and write, so here i am :)

Today I want to look at wants needs and desires as in when you’ve desired something to be and how you wanted it to be, it never quite is, its never as good as your imagination, the picture your imagination shows you is this amazing event that you want to happen and you add to this event over days or weeks even months for the outcome you desire and theres so many things you haven’t taken into consideration like if it was to be with another person how they might feel about it, you’ve only looked at how you feel about it, yes me me me always never taking into consideration what others might feel about the whole thing you’re dreaming about lol.

So what can we do about this? How can i see my wants needs and desire and work on the them in a realistic way before they balloon into a fantasy tail? How can i see realize and understand this can never be true, and can only be one sided. First thong that comes up within me is to feel this excitement energy stirring within me when in a desire how it makes me feel good, as ive looked at this point before when i desired winning the lottery it drove me mad to the point of shit i have to stop this crap its taking over all my daily thoughts, now when it comes up im like oh hi how are you lol, so when i did this i should have enclosed this positive feeling for my desire and seen realize they are all they same thing, just pictured flashed up that make me go into stories of wanting something, and never taking into consideration whats best for all ever, jus t myself :)

So how can i take this step to help me stop all these desire and make my circle of realization bigger and better i ask my self.? Well when I get that positive feeling it comes up in my chest it feel warm fuzzy and exciting and i feel relaxed all over like yes yes yes give me more, i dont want to look at whats going on in my physical world only this deep dark secrets i have i my wants needs and desire lol, so this feeling that makes me slightly lifted would be great to use as a point of aha got you, what else? Well went something feels to good to be true it often is, so this point would also be good to look at when thinking these thoughts that i want amazing and wonderful things to happen and they are just fantasy and no practical, so if i see myself not being practical in my thoughts this would be a good sign also. Checking in with myself what mykey has been talking about writing out where am i doing good and where am i not once a week, i think ill make this Wednesday points for writing.

So a word that can support me with my desires going out of control is? Restraints mm interested word ive not looked at or maybe never even wrote out, of cause read lol.

Restraints rest rain, rest train, retrain

To see what im getting tangled up in to support me to move freely

To hold myself within self with care pride and appreciation

[lokbobpop]

Imagination

As Im walking imagination on eqafe I’m finding it very interesting, and new things have opened up lots more things have opened up, like i feel im starting all over again until i realize well i have been doing and getting better at seeing my mind but this opens up the point within me of how much deeper i need to go to see all my minds in perfections, down to the smallest daydream as it were, as i call it away with the fairy’s. Im distracted with the fairy’s of the mind frequently even listening to the eqafe recording ill be distracted by my mind several time within only a half hour listen lol so this is whats im working on at the moment still keeping an eye out for my comparisons to others as i see this is a deep seated within myself and need to be checked lol. So lets look at what comes up when im writing here? Very little as im writing im concentrating on my words, but i know only to well the mind will either come up with a distraction for me to think about like my mum is arriving today and all the things i need to get ready lol well something like that, as after to long being free of the mind it drags you back in like come on look over here :) so the look over here how can i support myself better i know i wrote about this the other day and looked at the word awareness to be more present in self and so on but i want to do it step un my game even more so less slip through, like you know when your lost in a thought you feel very relaxed you enjoy it until the mind throws in a curveball of an energetic reaction hey. So here’s to upping my game to the mental images that come up out of the blue that have been sitting in my unconscious mind and subconscious mind and of cause on the quantum physical and mind level to see who i am within the slightest of being taken away by the fairy’s

So im going to sit and wait and watch what comes up and what happens to myself on a mental and physical self.

A wood pigeon came close and is calling that lovely wood pigeon song and i was immediately taken back to growing up in the uk and listen the this call and how i felt like it was summer and joyful being outside playing. Then i stopped the mind and i know it would have taken me on an adventure of maybe a good childhood memory or a bad one. So to the next one.

The thought came up was, theres so many birds about and chris is still in bed, you wait till he gets up and i say how much he misses in the morning because i cant get out of bed, i see at the root of this im annoyed he’s still in bed and just want to wined him up to say ffs just get up and cause friction because i want him up.

I wonder if all the birds are here because they know what im doing lol yes self importance comes here like they must be, they must know what im doing and must be supporting me lol

I noticed ive crossed my arms and i thought why am i causing a barrier between myself and what i see? But it was a sort of come on then mind what’s next what are you going to show me about myself like i was ready to fight this take it on like ive got yu now, but with crossing the arms i was trying to protect myself i felt front the attacks of the mind warding off all evil :0

I went into thoughts of the lower back as im having trouble sleeping and blaming the mattress without considering the thoughts that contributed to these like giving my energy away to all these imaginations and not being here in the now.

My daughter just rang and said what are you doing and I could tell straight away she wasn’t interested and just wanted to get off the call and not go into some deep convo with me lol which she did.

I could probably sit here one day and do this for the whole day and write out all thoughts and imaginations that come up, it would be write one sit a few moments or mins and another one, this is how much of my time im actually only in my mind, where else would i be if i wasnt in my mind is the question. Far more active than i am already thats for use, being held back by the mind from living and myself is criminal so why so i let it happen??

[lokbobpop]

Waste of money

So today when someone was helping out slashing the land he had an accident, he didnt say it was his fault but the tractor had no breaks and he was very lucky to be alive after the steep ride he took down a steep incline. Anyway lots of damage to the tractor and the brand new slasher, and the first thing that comes to mind is how much mis this going to cost, obviously thousands which always gets me down with worry, but this time out didnt i was more concerned about his well being and thankful he was ok very shaken up but ok. When you drive a tractor and changing gear you have no breaks and this is what has happen, and we now have to pay him to fix what he has broken, which is a bit of a piss off but guess what shit happens :) and its ok and we can afford to get it fix of cause the money could go to something much better, but it ain’t. So im writing this out today to see how im coping with this situation how will do i feel? Deep down annoyed and cool at the same time, hey it could be far worse he could of been mortally injured ffs, but its not about that its about my issues with paying cash for things i feel are wasted money due to human error.

So how can i support myself to not go in to blame to see realize and understand its al about solutions and letting go of belongings and these things happen.

What word can support me to not blame citizens real loss of money and waste? Understanding

Understanding under stand in

To see from all aspects not just of my own but from another’s

To take everything possible into account

SF out load

[lokbobpop]

Stolen,hi jacked,unaware.

So today after listening to my latest eqafe recording it brought up the what i call personally away with the fairy’s moments. What does that mean like your doing something and next minute you’re off on a tangent of thoughts in the mind and have totally lost yourself in them, then you come back to reality and boom again you have been stolen by the fairy’s lol now when this happens it really bloody annoys me, like when I’m listening to an eqafe recording and Ive been stolen as it were with some random thought because something has caught my eye in the room and triggered a thought. Then when i get back to to listening i feel I’ve missed an import part and get pissed off with myself and then boom before i know it on it again the land of imagination.

So i want to stop these lapses in time as i didn’t ask them to come in and distracted me, its not like i thought lets not listen to this anymore and think about this for a few moments no it wasn’t i was stolen from my own physical as I’m not aware of anything but whats going on in my mind. And i want to stop these distractions and need a word to live to support me with this.

Awareness comes up for now so lets use that im not sure its the right word but its the right direction i want to be in.

Awareness, aware ness, a waren trust, aw are ness

To be in my physical at all times to see what my mind is trying to do and stop it from misguiding me.

SF out loud

[lokbobpop]

The resistance to writing why is it easier not to write to not do what i really want to do? Because im lazy i think about the effort it will take to do it, what it all entails like self investigation which i love doing like writing i hate doing lol so why else ? Id rather sit on market place look at things and dont buy them! Lol why because its easy and i enjoy looking and low balling people as they can’t see me and which makes feel i can do what i live. Why its like im invisible cant bee seen, there this barrier that stops them from seeing me who i really am so i can be anybody, well a low baller that it, scum of the earth to many. So i need to spend less time lurking in the shadows low balling and more time writing, its not that i have to stop the low balling just less of it.

So i commit myself to spend less time looking to buy on line and todo more writing as this is a gift in itself a far more precious gift i could ever find on marketplace or gumtree this is the best gift of all time this is the one and only and the only gift i should ever be giving myself and others. Think before you surf think before you low ball as its actually low balling yourself by doing it and not actually writing.

So what word can i use to support myself with seeking the one and only gift I should be giving myself? Yes gift come up gift myself.

So when and as i see myself trying to gift myself something on the internet’s for more than a considerable amount of time. Its time to actually gift myself something that is real and ever lasting something that will stay with me forever now you just cant get better than that hey

GIFT lift,give,gif, give to.

To see realize and understand the greatest thing i can give myself is to write and investigate self and receive the all know wealth of being.

To love myself completely and and unconditionally.

Applied SF aloud

[lokbobpop]

Im not keeping my commitment up.

So I’m not doing it I’m not listing something everyday, yesterday i was busy so didn’t get round to it and today i thought whats th point in rather just sit on my phone, i cant be bothered doing it, its all a hassle, its like i like to buy the stuff but i just dont like posting them. I need a partner loo i feel someone to do that part but nobody id interested in my family in doing it, even if i gave them 50% so i have to do it or im in trouble because i cant keep buying and not selling it. So how can i support myself to start selling and to stop making excuses why i cant be bother to, what comes up is like nobody wants it, i dont want to deal with people, i dont know how much to price it, i always want to much as i dont want sell to really!why? Because i like to own and posses these items it makes me feel good owning so much stuff even if most is crap, the crap part is that i feel everything has it valued and i put to much value on all my stuff looking at it as all special even chipped stuff as i feel sorry for it like its unloved and I should take and love it because its rejected yes i feel rejected in society, so i want to be loved and accepted so i collect thing that i feel may feel the same, even thought they could have gone to a better home. Plus the not having much when we didn’t have no money and wanting more things but I couldn’t have them, so a want need and desire to have more, as in the more i have the more i am. When selling i go into regret of selling and feeling loss which could come from things stolen before or the feeling of not having enough as a child in things and in not having much love from parents its like a need to fill an empty hole, and wanting more but it never gets full it just gets worse and causes more trouble. Yes I’m filling a hole of being loved, which of cause is looking for love outside ones self and missing the whole point of self love self respect and so on.

So how can i support myself in self love? How can i stop filling the hole within me? How can i be enough for myself and no desire of another’s attention ? I see also in this is the poor me again poor little my nobody loves me. Its a program Ive set up I’ve see that has been a very strong program that runs though out most parts of my life poor me nobody loves me i need to have and be seen and more than another :( so how can i change this program? Self love i am enough i am complete i am all Ive ver needed and i need to clean up the mistakes I’ve made clean up the opportunity with mistakes. Yes ive made mistakes which are great opportunities.

Mistakes windows of opportunity, new beginnings new life new me. Mistakes are self corrections

Poor me’s are mistakes.

[lokbobpop]

Shy

Ok so yesterday after listening to a recording of mistakes and it brought up the point of hiding in the background which is something ive always done, i thought i need to bring this up within writing to why do i do it why do have little confidence in what i am saying to anyone why do i judge myself so bad to the point im frighten to even speak my words, like i feel everything im going to say just wouldn’t be write or id be wrong and look stupid, self confidence in this part is low and needs looking at and working out what i should do about it. How can i support myself to not stand in the background of my process with others who are doing there process, its not just here i do this i do it in many places of other groups.

So hoe can i grow my confidence to be able to express my self with confidence? Well participating in chat would be a great start i think, how can i start ? Im thinking small like a few comments here and there nothing big just that i am participating in the group and not to over think what im writing just to be in a stable sound self. If i come from this point when writing it just cant ever be wrong if you think about it, as in you are being honest even if its wrong lol if you know what i mean.

So the word here is self support sell up port lol self transport. To to guide oneself to be more outwardly open and sharing.

[lokbobpop]

Jumping the queue.

This is a great one as it happened to me today and as i stood there waiting for her to move back as shed got out the car early and ran up to get in front the mother said move back and she ignored her in the end she moved and was angry, i know how she feels i want to get up there i want to get all the best things and it just feels like you are going to miss out by going back, but hey after last weeks drama of a family doing it i was like no, i new it would cause problems if i complained and i some sense of the word i was probably wrong for making her go back as she did get up there first just because ewe all have a knowing of who goes where, doesn’t mean she thinks or feels the same. So spit came up poor me and thoughts of your mean i don’t like you, without doing any self forgiveness on my part which is a shame hey. Oh i just had thoughts of being the boss and banning her come up oh what’s a can of worms lol the mind is wondering at alter whats real hey lol.

So what can i call this type of behaviour that comes up within me this wanting to be write / poor me not being respected and rejected wanting to be right wanting to be spiteful wanting revenge so how can i support myself to not get triggered with this? A word to support me would calm comes up like just calm down and deal with it in a cool calm manner yes.

Calm claim call me call um

Calm to be stable within and to speak from a place of my true being.

[lokbobpop]

Aging facial features

So lately my aging facial feature are standing out to me with omfg god is this me so separation within myself and my face as it is right now and the decline that will happen even more, as time goes on. Ive been seeing my grandmother in my face for a few years now at first it was just the likeness now its the aged hanging look of the skin and the wrinkles i just what it to stop put the breaks on and not get any worse, but after a lifetime of my personalities what more do i expect. The abuse ive given my body over decades has come to show me who Ive aloud myself to be just this. So what is it i don’t like? The wrinkled skin the droopy skin the lack of colour in my face and the fear of its only going to get worse the sun damage the freckles and what looks i did have which wasnt to much to start with are just fading into the distance :) so how can i change this ? Well sf would help said out load. What else can i do to help this progression? Well i could help my skin i did buy stuff to put on my skin to stop the drying out but only used it a couple of times so i need to commit to at least 3 times a week to love myself enough to take care of my face and the skin.

It been 10 days at least since Ive written and i do feel guilty i didn’t do anything to support myself skin wise one a foot soak like i wanted to, as we are in the new year now, i need to commit myself to myself 100% I’ve had a lot of emotional triggers since i stopped writing and gutted i just didn’t sit down and do them when they had raised within me and not lave until hols are finished and i feel like i now have the time, when all along Ive had the time to support myself :)

So the main issue for over the hols i found myself becoming emotionally charged but nothing i could put my finger to what ti was then when anything around me went wrong i tied this emotion to it which meant for a roll a coaster of a ride within myself always being triggered by the smallest of things and fighting to be write towards other while being in this emotion! Which lead to a tumultuous holiday experience as you can imagine, as i dont want to see things as my fault sometime i was another to back down an say shit yeah i fucked up there sorry, which wont happen lol but in these cases when i say to myself shit Caroline how you feel is your own fault not that of another’s so everything is your fault yes that right how i feel is my own fault.

I’ll just sit with this for a minute.

What word can support me with this? Wanting to be heard recognition apologize to for another to say they are wrong when they are wrong, feeling ganged up on and so on what can i live in these moments in my life that will support me? Basically when someone is angry at me and i blame them, it may be true its there fault but why am i taking it personally? So a word to stop this blame and reflect.

Yes reflect re flect ref(eree) let(go) reef ect relief affect yes that good to reflect

Reflect to release affects, relief myself and another., to see me to see them.

SF out load

[lokbobpop]

I noticed today my mind is trying different angle on my comparison, im in the super hero mode where i save the word so t look better and feel better and also a super scientist it seems and super lawyer lol all so i can go into scenarios of grandeur so i can feel good about myself lol like i really need that because im not good enough to begin with come on lol im the best already lol and have no need to look amazing :) it will take time but i have plenty of it dead or alive.

Money fears came up also where a friend had a surprise of a 2k bill from PayPal and had been hacked and it made me think about my own fears of being hacked and losing money and it sucks to have to go through the shit of fear of lose and not having, plus the desire for money more money it just a big piss off i can tell you, and who ever reads this im sure knows what im talking about on some level and i do have a survival fear and ailment it seems so what can i live to get to the root cause of my problems ???

Self care came up.

What can i do to self care about myself better, well ive thought about supporting my facile skin as i dont do that sort of thing and my feet a i dont do that. So ill start with these maybe some vits might help me also.

What’s my biggest problem at the moment ? That im a hoarder and its all getting to much for me, i keep stringing it out not wanting to do anything about my problem and just keep adding to it why fear of not having enough why because Ive had nothing and dont want to go back to that why because it hard why well when you have nothing you can’t do or get nothing and you are in a constant worry why because you need to eat yes you do,so what can you do ? Start to do what you are meant to do and sell these things and get the money you so desire for them instead i living in total disrespect for yourself.

I commit myself after the New Year’s Day i will start selling my things and start making money like i said i would several months ago. Get ready to sell organizes myself in what i want.

[lokbobpop]

So earlier i was thinking how my regular comparison hasn’t popped up recently and thought how good that was, even to the point where i thought maybe ive got control over this now. The boom hours later i caught myself in the middle of a scenario it was like holy cow im still fully in this shit, straight into sf only to follow another one of comparison, ive found the mind does this, when i first started walking years agin i would be like ok today i want to open up this point and face it and within 24/48 hours i up to my neck in the shit, like you wanted some well here you are deal with it, i would be totally overwhelmed and couldn’t cope with it at all. And from that time on ive only been looking at in the moment sort of stuff because the hard stuff can knock you of your feet for sure.

The eqafe i listen to today was about this that how do you know if its real change or mind change and i thought yes the real change takes time step by step there is no instant change the mind is the instant change only, and i know this but it was great to actually hear it to remind myself and my process.

Ive done nothing in my quest to sell stuff and tidy up, i just get home sit down either watch tv which is something ive always hated to do or just surfed market place hours of doing this just makes me feel worse about myself and how i put myself down over this i need to change i need a plan and i need to stop waiting for my mum to come and help me out here, she’s 81 and i dont think she should have to be still kicking my ass to get stuff done, i think there is still part of me that is finding it hard to sell things as things have an emotional attachment to them, ffs its mad its not like i can take it with me but i love having all these belongings today it made me think about Christmas i loved it just because i was getting stuff so its been going for a long time now the getting stuff and holding onto it.

So i see i need help a word to help me move through this problem self . Motivated

Self Motivated sell move , self motor ate

To push ones self our of a chair and to do a job that needs doing.