londonsky-blog - Tumblr blog

[londonsky-blog]

This has become my personal diary. I don’t have one to write in cause Im too lazy to keep it alive. I’m lazy to keep this alive but when I need to write I just log in and its all here. 

I am happy! I’m scared to say it, but I am. Im always scared to say I’m happy. I always feel like something bad will happen after I say it, but there it is. After a very bad year, where I almost did something awful to myself, I’m all better. Its been almost exactly a year from those dreadful moments. After about six months of therapy and changing myself I’m still me, and I will always be me, but my therapist taught me how to take a chance without a pro/con list, how sometimes you need to go with your heart and not your head, not everything in life can be planned. So last summer I took a chance on someone, it was his second chance and he royally fucked it all up again! I was in love with him and in some odd and stupid way I will always like him, just a bit. Cause he was perfect, expect for his lying and his girlfriend, he chose her again, which I knew it would happen but still I went for it. Cause it was going by my heart and I left my head rest. So after he royally fucked it up I moved back to a place I now call home and started uni again. A different one and its amazing. I finally feel like a person and not like a number. My professor’s know my name and without exaggeration I am the smartest one there. So yeah my academic life is finally blooming again. Its my forte, I’m smart, I do school work easily. So #fuckyeahme. :) But one more important thing started at the end of 2015 and its growing in 2016 and it has a name. :) He is amazing! We met through a friend and realized we have been following each other via twitter for years. He lives in two places and its torn between here and his hometown but we work. At the beginning it was strange, he liked me more than I liked him and I was scared that my insensitivity will make him back down, that he will say ‘noup I won’t bother with you’. But he didn’t! He is almost stubborn as me, his life is so complicated, at the age of 27 he has his whole family on his back. But he deals with it all. And I’m in love with him. We saw each other during Christmas holidays and we spent New Years together. And it was the most amazing New Year ever. I usually hate New Years and I just wanna spend it in bed alone binge-watching something. But this one was amazing, we were invited to a party but I RSVPed “not coming” and we spent it in our PJs. It was amazing. Just the two of us. Sadly he had to go right after the new years back home. And we havent seen each other now for 14 days and I miss him like crazy. I can’t believe I can miss someone like this. I only miss my puppy this much. He got under my skin so fast. And a year ago that would never happen. So yeah that’s it. A year of battle with my own demons (my lack of emotions and my overload of rationality) and I’m finally at a happy place. There is still that little noise in me that thinks he’ll hurt me like the idiot but its a self-preservation thing. I hope he won’t, he is too special and too important and such an amazing person. And for the first time ever someone who I’m willing to give my whole self. My heart, my brain, my body. Everything. And no one ever was able to have all three in one. Heck when I think about it, the idiot only had my attention and that’s it. Now when I rethink it, I wasn’t love with him I was... I don’t know what I was, but it wasn’t love. I’m not saying that this is, its waaaaaaaaaay to early for that. But I see future with this and I’ve never seen future before. 

[londonsky-blog]

FUCK MY LIFE!

DO YOU HAVE AN ALERT THAT SAYS: “SHE’S HAPPY LETS FUCK HER UP!” I have this super cute guy whom I’m dating and we’re really connecting. And its all really good. And just now I get his text. Idiot’s text! The one who broke my heart twice in a year! The text is just “hi”, so I couldnt help myself and I text him “what do you want?” And he goes “nothing, you?” And I just said “from you nothing” and then I blocked him! 

[londonsky-blog]

So the idiot disappeared again. Last Saturday we were texting all day and in the evening I sent him “hey” and he texted back “I’m playing cards, call you later” and that was it. He never called back. On Sunday he blocked my number on whatsapp. So I deleted everything of his I had. And I thought I would be okay with that but I wasnt. I sent him a message via that stupid dating site yesterday. I told him everything. Mainly I told him I didnt trust him, I knew he had a girlfriend and that I even know who she is. Told him I wished him all the best in life and for him to delete and forget my number. And he deleted his profile. He saw the message and deleted his profile. And that’s it. He is so hot and so amazing, funny and so for me. But he’s an asshole, an asshole who is in a 6 year relationship. And he’s far away. And this it. No more! NEVER! 

[londonsky-blog]

Sve ja nađem, sve ja znam. 

Nisi prekinua s njom. Još ste skupa. Lajkate si slike po instagramu. To što si fejs ugasija ne znači ništa. Ona komentira sliku tvoje sestre na koju ona odgovara “hvala nevistice”, je to od prije godine dana, ali svejedno. Sve ostalo ukazuje na to da ste i dalje skupa. Jel trebam ić dalje? Što me lažeš? Što sam glupa jer se i dalje s tobom čujem. Koji sam ja mazohist. Koja sam ja tuka. Malo vrimena mi posvetiš i eto me. Ja pala! Možda se ja tebi sviđam, ali i dalje si snjom. Što me lažeš, lipo sam te pitala da budeš iskren. Jel to tako teško. Pa što ne kužiš da mene više pogaa to što mi lažeš nego da mi kažeš da si i dalje s njom. I oni glupi pozivi u Split. Kako si, a kako ćeš me sestri objasnit? Ka drugaricu koja će s tobom u sobi spavat. Sigurno će joj bit drago. Opet me ubijaš L. 

[londonsky-blog]

I just wanna get pissed and drunk call you!

[londonsky-blog]

person: so what music are you into?

me: are you sure you're ready for this conversation

[londonsky-blog]

Im scared of my feelings and emotions. I’m not an emotional person. I’m rational. Everything in my life has to have a reason. Everything has to be in place. I don’t act on my emotions. I have them but I hide them deep down. No one knows about them. I share my opinions loud and clear. I fight for my opinions, my beliefs. But my emotions. No, I hide them. When I let them out I always get hurt, I break. So I just dont let anyone see them. 

And now he’s in the picture, well technically he’s not, since he’s not really here. But I care, I care so much. I haven’t had this kind of crush in a long time. It might be even more than a crush. And I’m scared that I’ll end up broken so badly. I have these really awful nightmares where he calls/texts and says he’s stopping all this and and I wake up with a headache. And the worst part is that I can’t tell him that. I can’t tell anyone. Cause thats me. I can’t express my emotions. When I’m angry I express that, when I’m happy I express that, when I’m in physical pain I express that. But when I’m sad or scared of being emotionally hurt I hide it. I can’t bare to tell it out loud cause for some reason it will seem more real. I want him to hug me real tight and not let me go. And I know thats a dream. I know that we will never be together. We will never have what I want us to have. And I’m scared of a moment when that becomes clear.  

[londonsky-blog]

[londonsky-blog]

I hope you kiss me really hard when I see you.

(via jodiekarso)

[londonsky-blog]

We all deserve morning sex and pancakes

[londonsky-blog]

Him: I'm scared of you.

Me: Why?

Him: Because I like you so much.

Me: *screams internally*

[londonsky-blog]

What I want to say vs. What I say

- I can’t do this anymore. I wanna trust you, but I dont. I want you here but you’re far away. I’m in love with you and you not being here is breaking me apart. I cant sleep, cant eat. All I do is think about you, dream about you, daydream about you. And you’re not here, and I hurt every day. When you dont text I imagine crazy scenarios in my head. I plan ways to see you. And you’re not in the same place. You’re sitting on god knows how many stools. You have me, and her and who knows who else. And I care, but I don’t. I want you to myself. I want you near, I want you here. I want you to hold me, hug me, kiss me. Be with me. And you’re not. So I wanna break this. I want this to stop. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t think just about you and care about you. I want to be happy and this just makes me sad. You should be the one planning how to see me, how to be with me. Let’s just stop all this nonsense. 

- Hiiiii! How are you? You good? How’s your day? Mine is okay. I really wish you’re here. :D :) <3 <3 <3 

[londonsky-blog]

[londonsky-blog]

yes I am a believer. oh you meant god? my bad I thought u were talkin about aliens sir.

[londonsky-blog]

[londonsky-blog]

school is approaching, and I made these playlists to make your nights and mornings a little bit eaiser.

fall asleep [listen] to help you fall asleep or calm down and breathe. slowly take deep breaths, close your eyes and let the music hit your inner self.

wake up [listen] make the mornings peaceful and lovely instead of dreadful and horrible. I have put together the most calming and positive songs into this playlist, and I hope it will make the mornings eaiser. 

[londonsky-blog]