lookingjuliaup - Tumblr blog

[lookingjuliaup]

fuck it

[lookingjuliaup]

[lookingjuliaup]

Hey Hey hey Hey Hey

what's up butt heads. just hanging out this late at night its probably like 12 am or about to be. I hope you have a night lil sweet dream coming up. its 12 am here so if you are on the west coast it is aproximetly 9 pm. I can't quite tell you how things have gotten to the way things are finally coming together but me my mom and grandma and dad and uncle are turning into a very close family. I love it. I see my mom opening up more like a sunflower. us celebrating holidays more. me and my dad get to spend a week together because fathers day and my birthday are one day apart. something that's going on is that I have a great grasp on what I am aiming for this year. I say if I engage in music for one whole year non stop that there has to be something that can go on. it would sound kinda funny if I post every day and nothing to happen there's been so much happening everyday gets so much better but its not without the strength we all put into in my mom and my grandmas together. it makes things not boring but we will all put everything together and through the strength of god we will all survive. one of the biggest lessons I learned tonight is to not give up. I haven't given up on my instagram on Facebook or snapchat but somethings has got to give I'm ready to see the numbers move..... moms in the works of building the house adding and extension and I am very excited its a new thing for me. I just want to pick flooring and walls and I'm cool with it. well goodnight everyone let me know what you want me to write about love you 

[lookingjuliaup]

Oh what a life

so it’s official I’m finally have ANOTHER FRESH START do I run away when tho ya get tough or am I tough for moving on when things get rough.

hey Different strokes for different folks

mom playing with me and stay I replaced the family for dick shiy like that’s possum me off cause knows she can always calle and count on me for anything but she don’t need me so I’m just living my life …

ruby misses me too and I miss her a bunches life’s a little weird like when ur nervous at first cause you’re trying things out .. u want to make the right moves cause it sets the mood for the rest of the relationship if their is one .. I hope so .. but you know we’re “taking things slow and smooth “ no jealousy no boundaries no anything just happiness and love … we’ll guys that’s all u need to know about me today oh and my bff from value gotmarried today congrats bitch love youuuu

[lookingjuliaup]

My heart really aches

What is it about me that yearns attention

t

I have so much love in me

as long as I have love in my heart and money in my pockets why do I need attention . I never got that about me where did all this come from no one in my entire family need attention except ME it’s so dumb … but I would never ask for god to remove it because I’ve asked him to remove pain and he did that I asked him to remove the cold and he came through with the warmth in my eyes …if I ask for him to remove the excitement I get for attention I’m going to have to take the good with the bad and I’m going to be one sad girl. When I asked god to take the bitch out of me I felt everything . I used to be so cold never gave a heck about anything when I asked show show me what feelings felt like I was so vulnerable so I know God is not playing . I am very fearful of my God as I should be . But he needs to cut a check …

I ask Gpd I mean GOd to continue to place the right people in my life for me at the specifications I ask god to put the right people in my life at the right times and keep them there for as long as u can if they are good people sorry there’s so many errors tumblrs not letting me backspace my errors at the moment

I feel scared to stay alone at my house but it’s either come home early every night or let my grandma move out …

I am scared shitmless but the show much go on I meant must this shit is shooting smoky man this shit is retarded auto correct I meant to say annoying … goodnight I’m out say a prayer for energyme

mom after u read this …love u mom

[lookingjuliaup]

Hey whatsup guys new boo who’s this and he’s fine as hell with his shit together and when I say shit I’m not talking about only his pockets his brain is fuego. He’s dope I’m gonna open ur brainnnnnnn. One I want it so bad it’s a lot of work but I have a lifetime … I havent been on this bitch cause there’s nothing worth my heart to write about .. Ir was a little strange with my ex boyfriend so I didnt feel confident enough to write about him but this one is fuego I’m telling ya …

what’s new my brother is back in prison just like he never left .. I’m staying strict this time because he sure knows how to walk all over me I give and give and he just ends up in trouble

moms good I don’t really blog much about her because I would only complain but this time I got good news she’s not in my business anymore and gives me space and let’s me go out way more it’s scary thinking about it because the thought of me being kidnapped and her not knowing who when or why scared me but I do like to have my privacy and I leave on an impulse just cause it sounds exciting

I wanna do some crazy shit this year I don’t don’t know what.. ok this was just a teaser hopefully I write more everyday goodnight

our little journal

[lookingjuliaup]

Whatsup guise!!!! Today is July 4th 2020 I can't post on Facebook or instagram cause no one really cares about me or what I do so I'm hoping no one really reads this but my mom. this is a way me and my mom communicate without the whole world really watching. my boyfriend and I decided to break up it's something that's been on my mind lately and he just decided to do it today so it all worked out. With the stress of my brother getting out and my grandma moving back to Florida it all works out. It was just time. I don't wanna get too much into detail because I don't want to just put out my side of the story and things get jumbled up but all that is important is that I hope we are both mentally stable to just move on even if it's just for a little. I need time to just focus of doing basic shit like washing dishes and taking out the trash. Going out with friends , making my bed, waking up early to work on my website . Making content just normal things that will make me feel like I'm useful. Like driving a car . I want to spend time with my grandma and check on my brother I couldn't do those things as often as I wanted to with a boyfriend because when you're in a relationship sometimes the other person feels left out and I just Don't want to choose between two side right now. We still talk I mean we're talking on the phone right now and it does feel good but I'm in a very tough time in my life. Not like when I was in LA really broke because my life is Like a 8 out of 10 right now my parents treat me like a princess I'm still talking to my ex I have the stress of my brother coming out but I'm happy my grandmas coming and we get to hang more now that my brother gonna get a job and my mom got a job and it's gonna be good. I feel I'm easy where Francisco and I are because in a place that's un certain like what's gonna happen with him and me right now, tomorrow... I don't know because yes I have a temper yes I'm bipolar and schizophrenic but I'm extremely fragile like our dog bill gates... he barks and barks but you can't scold him I dunno that's just the way that I see it. I just wanna be happy sorry if that involves making mess out of another persona life but we're both wrong my moms you're being so supportive through all and what supriaes me the most is you're predicting we will get back together which makes it easy to tell you my deeepest darkest secrets about the love I do have for Francisco on my good days. Today's makes me second guess if I really loved him because I enjoywd my time away but I did Text and talk on the phone with him tonight so that's got to mean something. It's still very confusing and figuring myself out seems like a really hard thing to do I'm still very angry and I don't hold grudges ever I and happy almost always I don't know I just wanna see what life is gonna be like next week already I know it's gonna be tough having to spend this whole week by myself but I think I can find something to pass the time. beach, gym, cooking, sleeping, content making, cleaning my room, hanging w mom after work. Something to make myself proud. I want to say Blogging is a start and I'm proud I got to write down how I feel sorry if it offends anyone reading like francisco I tried to stay away from things done to me in a relationship shop or shit like that that I can keep to myself but whatever I dunno you won't get the whole story here so don't think you know me

[lookingjuliaup]

Hey Whatsup I’ve been stressed all week I lost my registration yesterday so can’t cross back and forth to Mexico and the us if I don’t get it I’m scared I just wish everything was okay. But everything will be okay in time which helps me sleep at night everything is fixable . Turns out I sent my plates to the wrong address so I hope they haven’t returned them god bless me today and hope to god they are at my old P.O. Box still

[lookingjuliaup]

Hey whatsup tumblr it’s me your bestfriend who deserted you for months because she thought she had overcome all the obstacles life has thrown her way. But I’m back seems like I only come back when shit hits the fan . I’m really bummed today because I went to the doctor and he mention how it looks like I gained 10-15 pounds on my legs and butt my butts as big as my moms there’s a picture of my moms butt and mine side by side . I’m starting school in a few days though so that’s good and I’ll be living in Texas so I won’t have to drive two hours to get to school every morning I was kinda scared about it because if I’m late one day that would go towards my record and I may be forced to drop out one of my classes . You just never know with the line to Texas from Mexico because there could be a government shutdown and you may have to be in line to get to Texas for up to 6 hours . My longest wait was 3.5 hours. I write this to connect with my friends on here which is what I consider everyone of you guys but mostly my mom because I feel like we bond through here and I can get a lot more off my chest . My mom is kinda proud of me for this blogging thing because it shows my talent for expression and it’s a great hobby we both think it’s bomb I can post more pictures and stay low key so only we read . Gotta stay low key from my dad I plan on losing 15-20 pounds before January that’d be great it’s all a dream but most importantly I hope to get As in my classes like my mom she’s going to school for billing and coding and she’s getting a lot of As on her assignments. I don’t wanna leave Texas because my brother is getting out in october of 2020 and I wanna be here when he gets out so I can show him the way because I know it’s hard to be nice to someone who’s fucked up more times than you can count on toes and hands . But I haven’t seen that in him yet I see someone so hungry for something that’s out of reach for him and with no itellectual people to help him like they do me they seem out of reach someone he can look up to and bond with feel safe with know he has a future and there’s no reason to do drugs or steal feel scared for those things because he’ll be hurting the people causes harm to. I know he has it in him which is why I’m still here and he has a family that cares and supports him because my mom got his license reinstated and she sent it out to him today . Life is grandma is cool I can’t seem to leave her side I’m addicted to her touch and her presence they always say well you don’t ask for me when your out partying or with boys but I do think about her when I’m with them which is why 95 percent of the time I always come home early we’ll just wanted to talk a little bit about what’s going on in my life maybe I can look back on this after I reach my goal and realize it wasn’t so hard to do doing my best not to gain any more weight

[lookingjuliaup]

“That supernatural fatigue you’re carrying around with you right now is the dead weight of the past you insist on dragging into the future.”

— Emma Magenta

[lookingjuliaup]

Sorry I took a break from Instagram

It’s been a while a know I’m gonna post more but for my own sanity I had to take a break I’m safe and healthy and love u so much

[lookingjuliaup]

Money on my mind

Hey guys one time in Los Angeles I went to this millionaires house at like 23 and he told he at my age I could fall 5 more times and still find a career somewhere along the way to not give up on my dream and I held that advice really close to my heart. This year in Los Angeles living alone was so lonely I get that it’s gonna be what I talk about a lot living in Los Angeles was my life I’m just not rich or priveledged I know I’m young and single and can technically do anything I want to but I wanna have a house to lean back on if all else fails.. fully paid which is why I’m choosing to live in Mexico and start a career here. I don’t wanna live in Florida anymore it’s too humid I don’t even know any one from there except family . It just hurts to leave my mom there all alone but for some reason I feel like she knows she’ll end up on this side anyway if my life goes well after I fully pay my house off in 6 years for me and my brother to live in and start off our clean lives I can decide if I can go back to la to try and act again. It broke my heart to leave my bestfriend Arlene and josh there no one will replace them I’m just a black sheep here in this country and in some weird funky way I still love it I just need some way to occupy my time until I get my car so I can start to do some volunteer work in the va hospital :) how have u guys been, Miss me on Instagram? I’ll see if I post a picture on Instagram tomorrow I feel like writing a song I’m glad you guys liked my song I want the meaning in my next jam to be clearer . My ass gone be single for forever that’s fucking crazy bro my last nigga had left me with such a high standard I’m just working on myself really. I feel like I ain’t shit but I feel like I’m the shit at the same time I need that vacation soon ima leave u with some pics

[lookingjuliaup]

Mexico update

What’s up niggas if you really really really fuck with me we will stay in contact through here you can read all about my journey but I really fucked up again I really went back home last month and ate and ate some more and I gained back all the weight that I initially even lost spending those 4 long months eating supposedly healthy in a month and a half I just gained it back it must’ve not been the healthy way if I gained it back so fast . My life just instantly changed after that went from Juliabadbutt to Julia chunky butt real quick . So anyway I’m in Mexico now. After leaving home it really hit me hard how lonely it was living all alone in la and then la didn’t seem so lavish some people say la really punches you in the gut and knocks all your gut out . I wasn’t doing bad but I did hit a what felt like plateau in my career. I was spending close to 5k a month in la for what to just dream at home and lose 5 pound a month I wasn’t even in the shape I wanted to be. I have two great friends josh and Arlene but when your spoiled like I am you always yearn for more . My lonely ass just wanted to be around someone who wants to be around me all the time. I can put all my videos and all my pictures on hold for now. I feel like writing a book called like homeless no career having schizophrenia bitch that no one gives a fuck about . I love you guys I wish we had a closer connection I feel sometimes I let myself drift too much on the deep end when I first got you guys I consider you my friends when I first copped y’all as friends we had that fresh in love feeling now I don’t even know what category to consider us. It makes me depressed and I don’t even know what to post anymore cause in really life I’m just a ratchet little peasant y’all love that glamour and glitz side to my life. I’m gonna be traveling so I know you’ll love to see that so that’s all I’ll be posting for a while . One day who knows I could be back in la god knows how to bless me. Well there’s my intro life with grandma has its ups and downs living in Mexico is fun until you realize you need to go somewhere and don’t know

How to take the city transit because everything is in Spanish . Gonna get a gym membership cause these taco are getting to me . If only you could see my fat ass. This time I’m gonna try to lose the weight while really trying hard at the gym I’ve been out of a gym for like 3 or 5 years so my skin or probably all out of shape I could even probably create butt stretch marks losing this weight I think I saw some forming. Whatever I’m ready for anything at 25. Everything is great can’t complain trying to still figure out where I fit in life and I’m not complaining. For those of you who still haven’t found it let’s create our own club lol the 25ers lol that’s us well here are old instasnaps for memories

[lookingjuliaup]

My big secret !

Hey guys! I haven’t told anyone except my closest friends and my doctors say I’m allowed to write about these things cause it’s fiction ! Meaning not real! But last year I believed my dad had murdered someone! Which my mom says I’m hurting the family by spreading an awful rumor ! And it’s part of my schizophrenia so pick a side no are you on my dark side team Julia where you believe my dad could be a muahahaha murderer #murdersquad or are you on the innocent side where you believe my mom thinking it’s really just all in my head. She thinks I’m also awful for me believing my mom and dad raped my brother . What is it in me to believe my family is just a little bit too wacko just when I thought everything was a little too exciting my doctor reassured me that she believes my family is good and everything is okay. My dad couldn’t hurt a fly and my mom is very smart and responsible . How could would that be if what is in my mind was true though that my dad murdered someone , my mom is covering by saying I’m spreading a rumor. And we’re all somehow covering for each other it’s just a recycle effect of lies so we all stay safe . Aye what better to do that keep it in the family. . I think about this all the time I feel like I’ve kept it in too long and I’ve been scared to tell the public which only makes me afraid I gotta have a voice and turn things into a reality ! It’s cool if it was true I feel like it in sometimes until my doctor tell me it’s not and it’s me not taking my meds.

[lookingjuliaup]

About to finish my third month up here . I went a complete month slacking on eating so it’s time to re vamp and get back into healthy eating habits ... goal is to weigh 125 by October and it’s about to be August ! Today I was with my pals lil Khalid and trae we made content and hung around my place . The only thing that I feel is stopping me is one the way I’m eating and two my lack of clothing I wish I had more clothes to switch up my looks . But every month I add a few outfits to my collection . If any one in la wants to donate clothes to me I’m down . I took these few pictures today hope you guys like

[lookingjuliaup]

Hey guise !!! It’s me writing a nuva blog ! So I went to tiauana this weekend with gang , I had nails break, dog pile taxi experiences , new culture sightings, and a lot of dancing . It was Marisol her boyfriend Ricky , Gabriel , Natalie and I . We stayed there for 3 entire days the first one actually staying in tiauana Friday through Sunday ricky got a sick air b n b for us in the Mexico hills. Lol I had fun it was a cool experience … going back to your roots is always fun

Well love u guys hope everything is good

I’ve been taking a break to get back in shape so I can finally get some dope modeling work in and get into acting this year at 25 hope I stay determined in the gym .

Welp here goes nothing

Love you guys