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[lorasaurusrex]

[lorasaurusrex]

I want to see your face again and have you look at me like I never hurt you. 

[lorasaurusrex]

[lorasaurusrex]

I never expected to miss you like this. 

[lorasaurusrex]

*throws tissue into trash can from two feet away*

me: BALLIN

me: BALL IS LIFE

me: BASKETBALL NEVER SLEEPS

me: KOBE TELL ME HOW MY ASS TASTES

[lorasaurusrex]

Motherly Love

I believe that love is choice that we make day after day. Infatuation is intense, but fleeting. Love is choice, and there are people in my life I have decided to stop choosing. I have abandoned them, and I am learning to not feel bad about that. I am learning that it is okay to choose myself instead. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about motherly love. The way that my mother loves me in the winter when I’m collapsing into myself. The way that she is not infatuated with my looks, or my abilities. She does not want something from me, but merely loves me for existing. This is not to say that she does not care. She practices tough love. Always pushing me to be my best, to challenge myself, to make something of myself because she knows I can and she believes in me. She has seen me at my worst, and has loved me even more for it. She has fought for me when I wasn’t willing to fight for myself. She has taught me lessons I wasn’t ready to learn. She sees the potential in me every day, and still chooses to love me where I’m at. 

I have decided that I have no time for any other sort of love, and that I will choose every day, for the rest of my life, to give this kind of love to myself. 

[lorasaurusrex]

Thoughts on parent’s of queer children:

I know that you might think you are protecting your child by asking them to hide their identity but your child will fall in love and get their heart broken and you will not be there for them and they will suffer alone. 

Please don’t make your child suffer their first heart break alone. 

[lorasaurusrex]

I still remember when I learned to stop using words like ‘forever’ and ‘always’. I still remember when it all became unsure. I still remember when it all became so fragile.

[lorasaurusrex]

my mom taught me the therapeutic power of cleaning. open all the windows. throw out the old. wipe down the entire house. burn some incense. roast some coffee. then rest. that way the tears from last night don’t feel as heavy. 

[lorasaurusrex]

we need to stop being so desperate about finding aliens. we need to play hard to get, pretend like we couldn’t care less. watch them come rushing into our atmosphere

[lorasaurusrex]

How do I say how I am?

Yesterday I received a text.

“Hey, how are you?”

I couldn’t respond.

I didn’t know how.

How do I say that I have spent over 50% of my time since we last spoke in bed?

How do I say that for some reason I think about you every day?

How do I say that I wish I could turn my thoughts off?

How do I say that I spend my time wondering if everyone else is suffocating too?

How do I say that I am afraid to fall asleep because I fear my dreams?

How do I say that I am afraid to wake because I fear reality?

How do I say that on three occasions today I started crying while walking down the street?

How do I say that I am grappling with the reality that we are all alone?

How do I say that I am drowning?

How do I say that I don’t know why I feel this way?

How do I say that I almost loved myself, until you fucked with my head?

How do I say that I am trying not to hold that against you and let it go instead?

How do I say that I can forgive you but I don’t forget when people make me feel like shit?

How do I say that I am trying to take control of who I let near my heart?

How do I say that I don’t let anyone near my heart?

How do I say that I am relapsing?

How do I say that I am losing control?

How do I say that I can’t breathe while writing this?

How do I say that I am trying to hang on?

How do I say that I have lost myself?

How do I say that I am trying, trying, trying, and still sinking deeper every day?

How do I say that I don’t trust you, or anyone?

How do I say that I feel conflict in my bones?

How do I say that I am eating away at myself?

How do I say that I drink 5 cups of coffee everyday just to move at all?

How do I say that I use muscle memory to go through the motions?

How do I say that my ability to appear fine is startling?

How do I say that I worry about the other people who appear fine too?

How do I say that we never really know what anyone is going through?

  How do I say that I am trying so goddamn hard to love myself again and realizing I never did to begin with?

How do I say that I am trying to start?

[lorasaurusrex]

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