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[lorddhavemercyy]

Light red cloth that you wear around your neck when it's cold

Hey everyone! Sooo I did it, I wrote whatever this is. Sorry in advance for what you're about to witness, this is sinful. Let me know if you enjoyed this (Most likely not) and I will write more of this "badfics" (I'm thinking Austin's next😏) Again one last warning, this contains NSFW stuff so please be aware of that. This isn't meant to be an accurate representation, it's just satire, IT IS cringey and embarrassing. Sorry if it contains any spelling mistakes, some parts were written at 3 a.m when my brain wasn't even functioning. Now... enjoy.

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You couldn't take your eyes off him as he performed in that massive stadium filled with people who were there only to watch him. Elvis Presley was really one of a kind, and you were thankful to be his water assistant, bringing him bottles of water and refreshing him whenever he needed it. Seeing him chug down entire bottles at once always brought a smile on your face.

You were in love, with a person that didn't correspond to you. He was a star and you were just a quirky mess of a human being. You were different, and definitely not like other girls.

"I'm such a silly little baka," You thought to yourself. "He would never love me."

Once the show ended you went backstage and fetched Elvis a bottle of water as usual.

"That was incredible! as always," You told him in excitement.

"Thanks," Elvis answered while leaving the room to rest.

That "thanks" started resonating in your mind. What could it mean? Was he proposing to you? It definitely wasn't a normal thanks, it had passion behind it. You had been suspecting that Elvis was actually flirting with you for a while now. Like that one time where he ran you over with his car accidentally and asked you if you were fine.

"Why, you care about what happens to me?" You asked seducing him while laying on the floor.

"Hun, your leg is upside down," He said.

"Why you looking at my legs?" You replied determined to arouse him in the middle of the road.

"Get in girl, we´re going to therapy,"

That conversation always made you emotional.

Your thoughts were interrupted by someone opening on the door of the now empty backstage. It was your ex.

"Colonel Tom Parker?" You gasped.

"Missed me?" He asked with a disgusting grin on his face

"Shut up daddy!" You yelled in your Blonde era.

"Don't act like you don't regret breaking up with me"

"I don't, you ugly plus you got ratioe´d on the newspaper, and I don't date flops"

"Words can hurt honey," He said walking towards you.

"So does looking at your face," You stood in place firmly "If you get any closer I´ll tell Elvis to punch you in that penguin mouth of yours," You always had great comebacks, it was a skill that you were very proud of, you were snappy and quick and didn't take shit from anyone because you were alt.

"And why would Elvis listen to you?" Daddy Parker asked.

"Because-"

"He doesn't love you, get over it already," The colonel interrupted you.

You felt heat going up your cheeks and your muscles tensing as you slowly filled with anger. Blinded by frustration you punched Tom Parker right in his ugly ass nose, knocking him down to the floor.

"AUGGHHHH," He yelled in pain, "Call an ambulance."

"Rot bitch," And you left the scene like the badass you were.

You went to your hotel room in Las Vegas, which was the parking lot because apparently nobody noticed you worked with Elvis and you weren't allowed in. You were sitting there deep in your thoughts, Remembering Elvis performing that noon. You couldn't help but wonder wether if the jumpsuit was really tight or he just had a whole lot of cake.

"Y/n!" Jerry called you from the other side of the parking, "Elvis wanted me to tell you something..."

"STOP!" You screamed. You knew exactly what this meant. Elvis wanted to meet you privately in his suit, "I'm going to his room right now!" You started racing to the hotel.

"He wanted me to tell you that you were fired..." Jerry whispered to himself watching you run to Elvis' room.

You managed to sneak past security because you're awesome just like that and get to Elvis' private suit. With a pounding in your heart you knocked on the door. To your surprise an Elvis in a bathrobe received you.

"Ya' need sum'?" He asked looking down at you.

"I-I-" You were speechless and absolutely flustered, trying to focus on what you wanted to say without staring right at his body covered with only one piece of cloth, "Jerry told me you wanted to see me."

"Huh? Who are you?"

Oh he was playing hard to get, acting as if he wasn't obsessed with you.

"Don't be silly, I notice how you stare at me in your shows, your eyes say how bad you want me."

"M'am if you don't leave I'll call security."

He was resisting, so there was only one thing you could do. You sacrificed three of your toes to the devil and casted a love spell on him, which worked perfectly as always.

"Get in," Elvis said inviting you to his room.

The suit was completely dark, only lighten up by the neon signs and lights from the street.

"Why did you wanted me to come over?" You asked as Elvis approached you.

"I can't remember," He said "But now that you're here..." He grabbed you by the waist and pulled you closer to him. You could feel his breath.

"W-wait, we can't do this," You said knowing you were a horny bitch and wanted to do it more than anything, but still you had to add drama or else it wouldn't be as fun, "You're amazing and incredible, an icon, and I'm just... Weird, I'm a weirdo, I don't fit in and I don't want to fit in. You deserve better than me I'm just way to quirky for you uwu."

"I'd still smash," He replied.

That was the most romantic thing anyone had ever said to you. Your eyes turned radioactive purple in desire.

"Now," Elvis continued, "Let me see them toes."

You froze in place, "Wha-?" You were flabbergasted.

Elvis took his bathrobe off and started stripping you from your clothes. He yeeted you to the bed and started kissing you in the neck making his way down to your feet. He took oof your socks and watched in disbelief

"You only got three toes?" Bro was befuddled.

"It's a long story," You tried to explain. You grabbed his face and pulled him closer to you and further from your feet.

"Listen Elvis... I want you to park your meaty pink Cadillac in my parking spot," You said doing sex and being hot.

"As you wish darlin'," He answered with a sex smile that could get you pregnant.

"Elvis I want your sons, I hope they're twins."

Sadly your love making session was interrupted by Jerry taking the fucking door down with a kick.

"Y/N!" He yelled, "YOU'RE FIRED! THAT'S WHAT I WANTED TO TELL YOU!"

"What?" Elvis was perplexed.

"LISTEN JERRY," Now you were screeching at him like the unhinged iconic skinny queen you were, "YOU'RE A FUCKING LOSER AND NOBODY LIKES YOU, I'M SEXIING WITH ELVIS, HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT US? YOU´RE LIKE A BAG OF RAISINS IN A PARTY NOBODY WANTS TO FUCKING TOUCH YOU. NOW TAKE THIS L AND LEAVE BOZO!" You said absolutely wrecking him in a turned down for what epic fortnite gamer moment.

Jerry left the room crying and shitting his pants like the baby he was.

"Y/n," Elvis said staring at you, "That was... amazing! The way you completely destroyed Jerry's feelings and self-esteem. I want my kids to have those amazing comebacks."

You flushed at the compliment. Your eyes were shining piss yellow meaning you were happy.

"So..." You said breaking the silence, "Shall we continue?"

"Of course honey."

"Honey?" That sounded off to you. You only knew one person that would say that.

"C-Colonel Tom Parker!?" You screamed taking off his Elvis mask as if you were in Scooby Doo.

"That's right it was me all along," He said with a silly voice which you couldn't take seriously caused by the truck of a punch you threw at him.

"Where's Elvis?"

"Somewhere out there partying."

"You are disgusting I hate you! You snow-obssesed freak!" And you punched him in the face one last time before fleeing the scene.

On your way out of the hotel you found Jerry crying in the parking lot.

"Jerry?"

"Yes?"

"You know... I'm sorry."

"Really?" Jerry said smiling.

"Yeah, sorry you're such a loser! Ohhh, get owned!" And you went back to your place in the parking lot to rest.

"Today was fun," You thought to yourself, "Tomorrow I'll definitely sacrifice the rest of my toes to make the real Elvis fall in love with me and make him fire the colonel... And that bitch Jerry."