totamilnadu - Tumblr blog

[totamilnadu]

Love the broken parts you carry.

because at the broken parts is where our strength resides // Hina Syeda @abillionlittlethoughts (via abillionlittlethoughts)

[totamilnadu]

[totamilnadu]

1/21/18

okay so I asked a handful of ppl on tumblr (who run ftm blogs) about boobs growing back if i stop T. And I asked my mom. She said that there is a risk of the tissue growing back with the increase estrogen. However its unlikely and if that was to happen then she said I could just “get a touch up surgery”. She wants me to talk to my doctor about it. But I think im going to quit T. So...maybe change that list u made? Instead of just pads for u add on like tampons too? Cause I’ll need those lmao. 

That makes stuff easier too cause, I dont gotta take T with me where we travel and all. And my kidney / liver will be safer too. 

aaaaaaand I secluded to get hair extensions on the 18 of March cause we called the lady and she said that would be best. 

[totamilnadu]

you’ve been so great to me, thank you.

[totamilnadu]

the update is just me thinking of the future if we get to dress up like guys and then all the girls start to hit on you.

its so you

[totamilnadu]

Hmm hey, so ive been thinking about it today and I really don't want to tell you…..but that's not because i don't want to tell you, its because im scared to tell you....I dont want to lose you or put a burden on you... I want you to believe me and to take what happened seriously and as something that was bad….but i don't know if it was.... and i don't want to place those kind of hopes on you. So im not really sure what i should do. I really...want to tell you....when I remembered everything...I was like “I want to hug him and tell him what happened and be accepted” but......again I dont want to place that on you.... Cause if i don't tell you you will think its cause you can't help me and that's the opposite of the truth….and if i do tell you you’ll think its cause you forced me into it and that's not true either….anyway….im gonna post this and leave it under the cut….you can decide if you want to read it or not and that way...you did not force me into it, cause i didn't actually show it to you okay? I want you to know I gave this a lot of thought and im at peace with this. I feel good about it. Also….just in case you don't read it I want you to hear this part, so u know something u have been helping me with okay?

“the only people who have showed me what sex  are my mom and them….and….both were horrible experiences….i hated it...i feel disgusting….honestly….I want to just, sell myself cause thats all im good for at this point….atl that's what I thought…..but….you started to show me what its like to….feel….nice….I didn't want to ruin that…its really comfortable with you and....I forget about the bad things sometimes....thank you...I dont think u understand how grateful I am for that....”

so anyway.....read under the cut if you want to know what happened and.....I hope I can still be around you...if you do...I love you alot.....im sorry..

Anyway what happened…..so when I was born Davida fell in love with me, or so they say. But I didn't really know who they were till I was about 9, still they romanticized me for those nine years. By the time we did met and get to know each other I was well, 9. Anyway, they were my tutor and we grew close, they were safe and kind and selfless and I liked being around them. But but a little later they ended up saying to me “you know I don't think we are cousins (we are actually cousins) we are more like siblings.” and I didn't really know what to say. I liked just being cousins, especially cause that was what we actually were….but the way they said it sounded so hopeful and almost pleading I agreed and yeah started calling them my sibling. I think that was the first thing i did with them that I didn't want to do. 

Later they started having a lot of nightmares and Id come in and try and comfort them and ended up sleeping in the bed with them. And then the next night they asked me to do so again and….yeah, then after a bit when I asked to stop sleeping in the same bed as them and they cried a lot so….i said “nm” and kept sleeping in the same bed as them….another thing I didnt want to do.....

 a lot of “fights” happened and looking back, I realize its because they had made up a story about us being in a relationship even tho they had never had that conversation with me and, I was 9 and they were 18 (19?)....Anyway if I ever expressed not wanting to be physically close to them, they would cry and ask me what was wrong with them and tell me how much they loved me. I even remember once telling them that if they stopped touching me so much, id touch them more. By this just like you know hugs or resting a hand o them or a head or stuff like that.

 Anyway…..things kept getting worse and worse and i was so confused what was happening….they started telling me that they could see the future and that in the future we are married and have children and that we are a family. And that they had dreams and in the dreams i was there and that we fucked and stuff. They told me on dream were i fucked them with a dildo (btw i had no clue what a dildo was cause i was like NINE)  but when i didn't express happiness about this they cried and questioned me…

most nights we’d stay up till like 3am talking….(tho they were the only one talking), and crying. They spent hours upon hours crying about it. I remember once I fell asleep, like sitting up cause i was so exhausted and they woke me up and were really angry that I had fallen asleep. 

This was all…..really scary...I was reminded of my mom...and how we would fight for hours and she’d be screaming and crying and it was all my fault....it was like that.....I ended up just dissociating. I remember this on time they were crying and talking about how they had a dream, where I told them I didn't love them “that way” and after they told me, I didn't reassure them         ( cause i didn't love them that way and had never said I did) and they cried more and more and ended up telling me how “cold and Heartless” I was.

 Anyway….this sort of thing continued for a while and I ended up trying to combat it by telling them “I just want to be your sibling” but that only made things worse, cause then they would cry and say “but then everyone will think im fucking my sibling” to which….I was confused cause IM NINE and we didn't have any kind of sexual relationship….I think they had convinced them self that we were fucking and in a sexual relationship but….it was only in their head….anyway….it really got bad later I think I was 10 by this point? Which makes them like 19 or 20? And…..yeah I was lying on the bed and they climbed on me like...straddled me…..but leaned down so their lips were by my ear…..and like….told me how “sensitive” I was when being tickled, so I must be really sensitive turning sex. And that they would be really good at fucking me, and that they could force me to cum and make it feel really good, but that im so sensitive they would have to drug me first to keep me still enough. But that wasn't a problem cause if look good like that….or something like that and haha I was so scared I just laid there all still….

anyway…..later we went on a trip so it was just me and them and….I don't remember exactly what happened but….we were lying down next to each other and once again we (they) had been talking for so long and they had been crying and talking about me being their spouse and all and how we would get married and they love me so much and that I love them too (but i didn't not like that) and...anyway….I finally asked what they “wanted of me” and they told me to get on top of them….which like….i didn't know what was gonna happen….we like had tickle fights a lot so….I kind of assumed it was gonna be that, to lighten to mood and all and….anyway they grabbed me by the top of my pants and moved me up and down against them, without saying anything, it all happened so fast….I didn't know what was happening…..I was so scared madhu…..i couldnt speak….I couldn't do anything….I just was frozen, being pulled and pushed against them…..I felt like screaming but….my throat was so tight...I could even blink….I was terrified…..lol….it….felt….you know….it started to feel…..something and that managed to snap me out of being so scared and like a fucking loser I stuttered out “s-s-s-s-s-s-ssts-st-sto,-stop” and they did….and i don't remember how I moved but somehow I ended up by the river and...everything felt...numb...like I was dead….like the world hated me and cut me free of it….they were there too….they had followed me….and they asked if I cum…(I hadn't)....but I just started crying….anyway….

later I was hallucinating (daydreaming?) alot...there was this man in a tree, he was so beautiful, but he just looked at me and shook his head and walked away….I remember asking them later “did I kill her?” (i was still using she / her) and then breaking into tears again lmao. Anyway…..they kept wanting to talk to me and all but I really didn't feel safe around them anymore, like more so. And so I tried sitting in public to talk but they said they weren't comfortable doing so, cause someone might hear, and so I agreed to go back in private. And whatever I played it off as if nothing had happened….but really i was just trying to manipulate the situation so that id be safe, I knew it was pedophilia and that they could go to jail if I talked so I was scared they would do something to keep me quiet (they didn't) but the whole drive home I was just playing music and singing so that their mind would be occupied with that….

anyway we never talked about that and….their obsession with us dating continued till like….last year…. Just last year they said we should go one a double date and I had to remind them we aren't dating and they started to cry again….still to this day they talk about how good I look….and how sexy or hot I am….and...idk we have at this point had a conversation about how that kind of thing really scares me and really isn't good for me…..but they keep doing it…I know they regret what happened all of it, but they keep doing things….they keep touching me and saying stuff about me and….I just….feel disgusting….I don't want to be near them. 

Even in that video call with you, they were laying their head one me and all….I hate that…. I don't want them to do that….im so confused and so grossed out by myself and….i've told them not to touch me….but they still touch me….I mean...they are a pedo…..but they are also such a good person...and I do care about them….just….im so scared madhu….im so scared of them…

I don't know when they are going to cry and accuse me or touch me….I feel like its all my fault...that if only i could love them and fuck them their life would be better….but i can't do that...i can't be that person….I don't want to have sex with them..

and they cry about that….im so scared….sometimes when I talk to you about,,,that kind of thing….I hear them in my head...I feel like im becoming them….The only people who have showed me what sex is are my mom and them….and….both were horrible experiences….i hated it...i feel disgusting….honestly….I want to just, wanted to sell myself. its all im good for at this point….atl that's what I thought…..but….you started to show me what it's like to….feel….nice….I didn't want to ruin that….but I doubt you'll want to fuck me, let alone be around me….im so scared madu…..i feel so tiny and weak and pathetic….please...im sorry...i don't want to lose you...and...yeah....thats kind of it.....I love you regardless of what you do......and ill support you and help you no matter what....even if u dont want me anymore....okay? so dont worry....

[totamilnadu]

[totamilnadu]

[totamilnadu]

EXO 엑소 -  BEEN THROUGH 지나갈 테니

[totamilnadu]

[Image description: drawing of a blue cat snuggling with a purple cat above a caption that says “I’m proud of both of us for how much we accomplished this year and I know we’re going to do great next year. We got this.”]

[totamilnadu]

list of cute things

you

also you

hey look you

and you

wait wait wait

you

you’re cute

[totamilnadu]

Bachelor Life

Essentials

A place to stay

Groceries

Sanitary products 

Electronics

Clothes

Sleeping things

Grooming things

Cleaning things

Kitchen / culinary things

Place to stay

House rent

Basic furniture

Electricity supply

Gas supply 

Groceries:

lemons, apples, potatoes, lettuce! milk, BREAD, eggs, mayonnaise, ketchup, chili powder, salt, pepper, sesame, chickpeas, cooking oil, flour

Sanitary products:

cleaning detergent, wipes, soap, shampoo, toilet cleaning things, pads

Electronics:

laptop, phone (+ sim), Tab

Clothes (just the basics):

T-shirts, Pants, Sweaters / hoodies, blankets, more with respect for the climate, underwear, binder

Grooming stuff:

comb, hair brush, lotion, balm, towels, mirrors, tooth paste

Cleaning things:

broom, mop, cleaning detergent, cleaning cloths

Kitchen Stuff: 

plates, bowls, glasses, cooking pot, pan, stove

Other:

lamp

Sleeping things:

Bed / mattress /sleeping bag / just the floor, blankets, pillows

[totamilnadu]

11/9/17

hmm just continuing the email here cause it’s more safe? hmm anyways all I was gonna say is our suitcases came! so yeah, just one step closer to being there

[totamilnadu]

12/9/17

Which one do you want?

https://www.amazon.com/Mens-Adult-Humor-Tees-Noodles/dp/B0768Y9DP1/ref=sr_1_26?ie=UTF8&qid=1512859308&sr=8-26&keywords=send+noodles

https://www.amazon.com/Send-Noodles-White-Socks-LookHUMAN/dp/B073ZPJ9KK/ref=sr_1_3?s=apparel&ie=UTF8&qid=1512859394&sr=1-3&nodeID=7141123011&psd=1&keywords=send+noodles

https://www.amazon.com/Noods-Ramen-Noodles-Awesome-T-Shirt/dp/B077RRQJF5/ref=sr_1_5?s=apparel&ie=UTF8&qid=1512859407&sr=1-5&nodeID=7141123011&psd=1&keywords=send+noodles

https://www.amazon.com/SEND-NOODS-noodles-Pullover-Hoodie/dp/B075BC3VMQ/ref=sr_1_2?s=apparel&ie=UTF8&qid=1512859407&sr=1-2&nodeID=7141123011&psd=1&keywords=send%2Bnoodles&th=1

https://www.amazon.com/Funny-Noodle-Joke-T-Shirt-Heather/dp/B075VWT35T/ref=sr_1_31?s=apparel&ie=UTF8&qid=1512859407&sr=1-31&nodeID=7141123011&psd=1&keywords=send+noodles

[totamilnadu]

no offense but i cant stop daydreaming about being able to hug you and hold your hand whenever i want

[totamilnadu]

12/3/17

Talked to my mom today, wasn't really nice but it wasn't so bad. She was saying how, the government gives us money because of her job. So even if we dont have money, we do?? and I dont get how it works. something about stocks? she said it can go away at any time? so I guess that is how we dont have it but yeah for now we have money? and so, that’s how im going to go in march and then leave and come back a little bit after. 

she was saying how it would be good to get a phone + sim there. Maybe a flip phone? A sim might not work with the phone I have rn, cause it’s Verizon. She was also saying how we should try and get an apartment when we are there, set up WIFI, lights, plumbing and so on. and then pay rent for the empty apartment till I move in. That would be good, definitely. 

oh yeah and the reason the salon didnt wax my face was because im a guy. they only do “woman’s light touch ups.” 

[totamilnadu]

11/27/17

I wanted to talk to you, but im having a mood swing or something of the like, and idk im just scared rn. dont feel like it's safe to send this....I know u say it is but....man what if it's not....I guess one more wont make a difference.....well anyways it's 11/27/17 let me tell you about my day and all.

Last night after we talked and all, I ended up getting a black eye lmao I stayed up for a bit talking to my sib about, stuff. hmm wasnt really a nice night tbh. To make matters worse I'd lost my tooth brush 3 days ago and it was really bugging me. hmm but atl I feel asleep easy.

In the morning this guy came to work on the barn and usually when he shows up I leave but this time I just, stayed in bed till he left. It was a little weird cause I was missing pants but....honestly I just didn't care. I had blankets and, yeah some how I didn't feel anything. hmm but things got better from there

my sib took me out to get a toothbrush, which GOD im so happy happened. And I talked to Alex for a little till she left.....she made fun of my DRUNK FACE TYSM. But yeah we got groceries and all, came home till my mom picked me up, we went to look at suit cases, then when back home and....ugh idk the conversations I had with her where just....not fun....One of the many was well....shes worried my blood is too thick...and that's....scary....she said if it was I could get a heart attack or stroke or something.....Stuff like that can happen on T and all....

anyways, good news is that we got in touch with Krishna arts and science college!!! They picked up our call!!!!!!! The woman on the phone was speaking Tamil at first and my mom said “Hello we are calling from the US” and the woman just, hung up.....I understand lady...Id hang up too....But we called back and someone said “hello” ....god they sounded so worried....I hope we weren't scary or anything...anyways I think we got transferred onto 3 different lines and spoke to like 4 people, and finally they just said “hold on, we will give you to the principle.” and yeah then we spoke to the principle and they were friendly and all. They ended asking “are you coming to India?” and we said yes in late march. and they said. “Okay, when you are here, call the day before, then just come.” but good news is that they said late march isnt too late to get into the school!! they said that would be fine! and that they take students from the usa!!