lordrotten

[lordrotten]

I never ask my acquaintances what they do for living; no one likes to talk about work. If they do, they're not worth listening to.

[lordrotten]

Discipline during days of despair

My state of mind often swings to the extremes. On days that I feel good, discipline seems effortless to me where I'd get everything done by merely following my impulses. Contrarily, there are some days, in fact most of the time, I'd feel terrible where even a facile chore such as taking a shower feels like climbing a mountain. All the progress I've made in my life can be credited to the former, which had turned me blind towards my lack of diligence.

I never had to train myself to work hard because I never needed to do so ever in my life. I was too proud of my natural capabilities that I refused to work on my flaw. As a result, I haven't accomplished anything that I'm proud of. I'm speaking of accomplishment from a sense of personal fulfillment, and not society's. I've rather become merely somewhat good at certain things. I used to praise myself for having developed these skills in the very little time and effort I had put into, but in retrospect, I find that to be nothing short of a coping mechanism for my failures.

According to my observation, during my days of despair, I could sense a sort of a barricade between my will to do something and the act of doing that task. For example, despite a strong desire to write, I wouldn’t be able to translate it to action due to my lack of willpower to break through the blockade.

If I do not fix such days, I’ll never change and will continue to disappoint myself. Gladly, I had just experimented a method which could be an antidote in case I sense a lack of dopamine.

I woke up feeling quite normal today. I got out of my bed a couple of minutes later and finished all of my morning routine which felt good. I also read a few pages of Thomas Bernhard’s Wittgenstein’s Nephew. Then, I wished to do some push-ups but I lacked the motivation to do a difficult exercise. So, I warmed up a bit with stretches and jumping jacks but they weren’t enough. At last, two sets of crunches gave me a sense of accomplishment and I gained the motivation to finally perform some push-ups, and I pulled it off.

The method is that if I don’t feel motivated enough to do a task that I wish to do, I should finish smaller related tasks and gradually increase my motivation to the point where I can accomplish the main task.

If not for this method, today’s morning would have likely transpired in the opposite direction. I would’ve stayed in bed longer while browsing my phone, I wouldn’t have read Bernhard, and I certainly wouldn’t have worked out. On top of that, there is absolutely no way I could’ve journaled these thoughts and actions. Instead, I would’ve remained sulking, browsing web, playing games, draining my motivation down further and further, and would’ve convinced myself that today’s just another bad day and vainly hope that I can gain my momentum tomorrow.

It’s a cycle of behaviour that doesn’t cease easily. A ‘bad’ day often becomes a week, and sometimes a fortnight, although I’m glad that I never had a terrible month, credits to my random bursts of energy.

Differentiating a positive action and its negative counterpart requires nothing more than a tinge of self-awareness. I should ask myself two questions: “Is it my duty to perform this task?” and “How will I feel upon completion of the said task? Will I feel positive emotions such as feeling energised, focused, happy, satisfied, etc., or will I feel drained?” If my answer to at least one of these two questions is true, I should carry on to do it. If both are false, it’s best to categorise it as a negative action and avoid it entirely.

Social media feeds, for example, drain my will, which can be solved by using plugins to block FYPs, so I can use those websites exclusively for messaging my friends. Taking a stroll energises me, and hence I should do it frequently considering that it’s such an easy task with profound results.

Anyways, I hope that I’d finally sort my issues out, and even if this method fails me, it’s always good to experiment. Cheers!