lostbutfoundagain

[lostbutfoundagain]

to dance in your arms

all the while knowing

at the end of the night

you're going home with him

[lostbutfoundagain]

the feeling of falling apart lingers in the back of my mind

especially when i'm actually the most put together i've ever been

[lostbutfoundagain]

It feels as though it's been years since I have seen you. Although I know it's only been a little over a month. Maybe two. I can't exactly recall time as well without you here. I know you're not TRULY gone. But fuck does it feel like it. It feels like you're never coming back. Which technically, you're not. But it feels like you're never coming back into my life. I want to be able to see my dad. To just have a form of communication with my dad. I give off letters to your friend, knowing they make their way to you. But I know you can't reply. Not yet. That doesn't stop me from writing a weekly letter. Will we still go out for sushi? It was supposed to be our little "I'm so proud of you for graduating" moment. I need to see you. I miss you. I love you, dad. I wish I had told you in person. I think I said it maybe once before. But I wish I had told you more before you left. You deserved to hear it. I wonder if you would have said it back. I doubt it, you probably would've smiled and shaken your head. But that smile, it would've been enough confirmation. I know, just like you know. You may not technically be my father. Not biologically. But that doesn't change the fact that that is who you are to me. You feel like more of a father than my biological one. I wonder if you'd adopt me. Although I don't need to get out of my home situation that bad, it's not awful. But. Thank you for taking care of me while you were here. Thank you for making sure I ate. Thank you for making me food and bringing it just for me. Thank you for helping me get over my eating disorder, (even though I'm still kinda in it. Just better) Thank you for listening to me ramble about the same topics, every, single, day. Thank you for laughing at my jokes. Thank you for making me laugh with your stupid dad jokes. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for opening up to me about stuff you couldn't tell others. Thank you for looking out for me. Thank you for loving me like I really was your daughter. I think you see me like I am too. Just like I see you as my dad. Whenever the other kids call you that you look to me and shake your head, or whenever there's an adoption joke or dad joke you look to me. I know you do. You let it slip sometimes, just like I used to let dad slip out of my mouth. I want my hug now. I hope you can come to my graduation. I need to see you there. I need you to see me graduate.

I love you dad.

[lostbutfoundagain]

"wait what would be the first thing youd tell me if i lost all my memory"

oh dear.

"my" sweet girl.

where do i even start.

i'd tell you how your eyes shined in the light,

the way they'd glimmer when you talked about something you loved.

the excited gestures as you speak,

as if you couldn't express your excitement with words alone.

your smile and how it could always put one on mine.

how your laughter was infectious.

how i may boast about how i find myself so funny,

but no one could beat you.

not even me.

your warm touch and how it comforts,

even with just the brush of your finger tips.

i'd tell you your love for musicals.

how you gleamed with pride.

before, during, and even after.

i'd tell you how selfless you are.

you put others before you,

even if you need your own attention more.

always solving everyone else's issues.

how beautiful i found it.

i'd tell you about how sweet you were.

i'd let you listen to your favorite music for the first time all over again.

i'd watch you fall in love with it all over again.

i'd tell you how much you loved parts of yourself.

parts of yourself i knew you weren't as fond of.

but i'd tell you how you loved them so.

so maybe you could see the beauty in your "imperfections" the way i do.

the way i have,

always have.

i'd tell you things i know i can't now.

i'd tell you i loved you.

how i LOVE you.

how i never got the chance to show you.

and maybe i'd get the chance to watch you fall

all over again.

maybe i'd get to see it.

maybe i'd get to hold you.

maybe i'd get to love you.

[lostbutfoundagain]

i wish you could hold me in your arms

tell me it will all be okay

comfort me and love me

i think if it came from your lips i'd believe it

you could spoon feed me lies

i'd speak them in confidence

believing your every word.

but i know you'd never.

never lie like that i mean.

not never hold me, or comfort me or.. well

i hope you would

could

might

.

i long for you in my lightest moments

hoping to see you smile beside me

and i long for you in the darkest pits.

awaiting me with open arms

arms for me to crawl between

and just lay there.

in peace.

[lostbutfoundagain]

it fills me up

it burns

boiling, like a kettle

i worry for the day it escapes.

the need,

the want,

the jealousy.

you'd call me ridiculous,

fiending for you like a drug.

but i can't help it.

you're my adrenaline.

i crave all of you,

and I remain jealous of those who have it.

[lostbutfoundagain]

#her*

love for me has always had teeth, it bites and tears and leaves scars long after it’s over.

but with him love is the caress of a summer breeze, gentle and refreshing and healing from the harsh cold of the winter nights.

love isn’t supposed to hurt. it’s supposed to heal.

[lostbutfoundagain]

Your knowing eyes see right through me

I'm sure of it

The sly smile

The feather light touches

You know exactly what you're doing

I'm eating out of the palm of your hand

What a thrill

[lostbutfoundagain]

the unspoken words,

the untouched actions.

they eat at me when im around you,

and they scavenge me when you leave.

[lostbutfoundagain]

i try over and over to fill that loneliness i feel in my heart

the weightlessness in my hands

the urge to hold and be held.

each time i get hurt further,

each time i think back to you.

i cannot stop the urge

the want

the need

for it to be you.

but i know this cannot be.

so i try to fill the spot made for you in my heart

im "surprised" every time

nobody is you, nobody could ever be.

i wish i was patient.

i wish the longing wasn't so overwhelming.

i wish it was easy.

i wish it were you.

i need it to be you.

[lostbutfoundagain]

i miss the weight of your head

on my chest

it meant nothing to you,

but god the fact that i didnt feel trapped,

that i wasnt suffocated when you were close to me,

meant everything to me.

you give it out like its nothing i know

and i know i am not the only one

but ill chose to stay blind

ill stay ignorant just this once

if it means you could lay on my chest

once more

[lostbutfoundagain]

i thought you were silly

dreaming of us so often

not in a bad way of course, i was jealous

i wanted to have the dreams you had of me

dreams where we held eachother

dreams where we kissed.

dreams where there was nothing

and I mean nothing

holding us back.

.

that was until i had a dream.

just like you, i awoke craving more

longing for the feeling i felt the night before

i now know the longing you feel when you wake.

it's hard knowing what it feels like to kiss someone

someone who your lips have never come near

someone who's kiss you can not have.

[lostbutfoundagain]

hearing your voice singing sweet melodies beside me,

it takes me to a place i could only have dreamt.

a life i fear i may never live.

even if it's a dream, one we may never live out,

i think i'd like to linger here for a little while longer.

while you sing sweetly beside me,

and we share sweet glances,

holding eye contact even for just a moment.

i like this dream.

i hope this is one i don't have to wake up from.

not yet

not now

i think i'd be okay being stuck in this dream until my skin grows cold and my blood stops flowing

[lostbutfoundagain]

when you call me pretty

it sounds much sweeter than ever before.

your voice,

like birds chirping in the morning air,

waves on the beach,

hitting the sand on a late night.

it is calm

it is true

it is familiar

it is home.

[lostbutfoundagain]

i don't want to be a burden

but would you hold me?

just for a little while?

long enough for me to memorize

the feeling of your arms around me

the feeling of your heart

beating against mine

.

but not long enough for the words to escape

the words i so badly wish to say

.

i love you

i love you

i love you.

[lostbutfoundagain]

[lostbutfoundagain]

— beau taplin