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[lounatic]

Trying not to let pressure gets me

started out late. When I was a child questions like: "what are your dreams?" or "what would you like to be when you grow up?".

Sure, I may have answer it, although I did not take it seriously, just recently I start to contemplate and really start to question and try to find the answer myself. I once said I want to be a teacher, teacher to engineer, engineer to nurse, nurse to doctor, and lastly doctor to any job in a law field.

My current problem is not about whether or not I am still contemplating about my career choice. I know the bottom in my heart that my interest lies on being a lawyer or being a paralegal.

The problem is that I am late to realized what I want and spent my young self doing nothing. Now, I don't have any skill. I am literally just starting. Now I am seeing my friends and classmates slowly build their dreams while I am here just starting.

I know some people start late and can be still successful, but like I said society can affect your overall being whether we want it or not. I see some of my friends and acquaintances start to reap their success that they worked hard for since they were young.

I am so pressured. I regret that I did not take my time to find what really interest me. Now without skills, not enough resources and time, pressure and stress just around the corner.

This may be an over reaction for some people since I am still just a nineteen years old and have time to take my time. But like I said, seeing other people reach their goals while I am still starting, it made me doubt and regret cloud my mind.

So this blog is for myself and for people who have the same problem with mine. I want you take the pressure from society and the success of others to find your own success although just don't let the insecurities, envy, stress, and pressure override your whole being. Take enough pressure to strive. Use envy turn in into something more positive like an inspiration to dream. Recognize and accept your insecurities and turn it into strengths. Do not put unnecessary stress upon yourself.

Start slowly. Be kind to yourself.

[lounatic]

National Girlfriend's Day

Just like my good friend said, National Girlfriend's Day is not only limited to people who are in a romantic relationship. You can also use this day to your other relationship, for example, your friendship relationship. So with this day, she greeted me a National Girlfriend Day through email since I am hard to find to talk.

In what she wrote in that email shocked me. She says that I am a good girl friend, excellent even, but she also assume that I'll be good girlfriend to my future partner.

I am beyond shocked and grateful she sees me in that way, when I myself did not even believe in myself that I can be a good girl friend material, when I know for a fact as of now I am not a girl friend material. Since pandemic but especially last year, Problems piled, I wallowed myself in that and to my bad state of mind. I still am. The old me, the me that they spent their time with, withered away little by little, I am so different now. Sometimes I was even afraid that because I changed, that people will not accept the change and leave.

I openly talk in my private account of how I notice the change in me. How I cannot control my mind. My random wanderings. My obsessions. The old self lacking in my new self. I thought they did not thoroughly read what's in my thoughts since what I posted and shared was long and repetitive and where I posted was like a place where post our own problems and did not mind the others, but they prove me wrong. They did support me, in their own way.

What she said in her email made me hopeful. A hope that I can be better, and I will still have my friends by my side. Supported and accepted.

To think in the past I have had wanderings that I am not good enough to have a friend. Jealousy of having a friend and then losing them. Now I have nine main friends, and others more.

Thank you to my very thoughtful friend, G. You have been good. I am grateful to have you.

To all women and your relationships, happy national girlfriend's day. may this day serve as an eye and heart opening to you as it to me.

Love, L.