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lovealways--jules · 3 years

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the fact that i was questioning my worth for someone who didn’t even think twice about me.......

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lovealways--jules · 3 years

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Before we broke up, you asked me where I saw myself in 5 years. I was so deep in sadness and depression I couldn’t think of anything aside from you. But then after a few weeks we broke up, I remembered that I had written this during the time I was applying to grad schools. I never want to lose sight of my dreams and I never want to go back to how I was feeling in October. I hope I do accomplish these things and I hope to continue to add to this list.

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lovealways--jules · 3 years

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letter to you

Dear someone I used to know,

I hope you are well.

First, I wanted to say thank you for showing me that I am worthy of love and I am also capable of loving someone. That sounds silly to say, but it’s true. As you know, while growing up, it was difficult for me to believe that someone loved me. Growing up, people also used to tell me I was bratty, mean, and ungrateful. So therefore, I thought I was incapable of being nice and loving. But thanks to our relationship, I learned that none of those things are true. After thoughtful reflection, I now know that I am indeed able to love and be loved. What a special thing to have learned and experienced so early in life with someone so special, and I’ll cherish it forever. So thank you for that.

And secondly, I want to say sorry for making you feel like you could never break up with me or even bring up the idea of breaking up. I don’t want to blame it all on how I grew up, but that definitely affected me and my approach to relationships. I’m truly sorry for putting you in that position and it’s definitely not a position anyone should find themselves in. I so badly wanted to hold on to the idea that someone loves me and I love them that I took it to the extreme. I now realize the importance of letting things go, both good and bad. I hope you vocalize all your doubts, fears, likes, dislikes in life and in your relationships because it will be so worth it in the end. You’ll really find out who you want to be and who you want to surround yourself with - which is so exciting!

I am done letting my upbringing affect the person I am and will become. I’m an adult now and I have full control over my actions and how I choose to let my experiences affect me. It’s gonna take me a while to breakthrough all of my inner child trauma and find out who the real me is, but these feelings and revelations would not have been possible had I not gone through these tough days by myself.

Again, I really hope you are well and I want nothing but the best for you. You deserve all the joy, happiness, and love in the world. I know you will accomplish so much in life, I’ve seen and known your potential and capabilities since day one - and I hope you finally believe it in yourself, too. Can’t wait to cheer you on, even if it’s from far far away.

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lovealways--jules · 3 years

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Thoughts on Codependency

Recovering from a breakup is often harder for people who struggle with codependency. Breakups from the person whom you are dependent on brings up hidden triggers from childhood. A lot of the trauma that occurred during childhood was never addressed prior and these feelings come back. Right now, I feel like all the memories and trauma I tried so hard to suppress during my relationship are all coming back because I have nothing to distract me now. And even though these feelings are hard, I can’t run away from them.

Codependency often develops due to a dysfunctional and insecure family environment. Once the codependent individual is in a relationship, they expect to be cared for and loved and accepted unconditionally from a partner in a way they wish they could have been loved by their parents. In my relationship, I finally got the love I was looking for from my parents, from my partner. It felt so nice for me because it’s what I had been longing for all my life. So when the feeling of being loved goes away, it’s like my world is ending and I’m not worthy of love. But I need to foster and provide love I’m not receiving and give that to myself.

Codependent traits like people-pleasing, caretaking, and need for validation affect how people move on from relationships. These traits just further impact our need to rely on others to increase self-esteem and happiness. So when a break up occurs, it feels like every part of our being takes a hit because how the one thing we were using to appraise our happiness is gone. Because I’m such huge people pleaser and one of my love languages is words of affirmation, when I don’t have those things in my life because of a breakup, I feel like nothing else will be good for me. But I know that isn’t true because now I know that a relationship shouldn’t be the only thing I am clinging on to.

Easing my way out of codependence is hard, no doubt. But if I want to really grow from this experience, I need to focus on myself. I deserve to give the love I have for other people to myself. I need to put my needs and interests first, since it’s been so long that I’ve done that.

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lovealways--jules · 3 years

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No one knows what it’s like to live in Oregon until you live in Oregon. We hear all the time that it’s the one of the gloomiest, darkest states in the country. But we all think that it won’t affect someone that bad. But reality is, it sucks you in, without warning.

It became so gray so fast here in October. After being on such a high in September when you all visited me, it felt like a sudden crash of emotions. And I thought it was from the school work. But it wasn’t. It was a combination of the weather suddenly changing, lack of social support and connection, and disrespectful classmates.

So when I met up with *******, I was so excited because I thought it would restore some of the social connection I had been missing. When that didn’t happen, even more so was my mood affected. It was like a snowball effect that was happening and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. Cause when you’re fully enthralled in it, it seems like there’s nothing to do to stop it. When I found out I couldn’t go to Connecticut to visit my family, the snowball continued and it really felt like I couldn’t get out. My emotions were already so low, the sun was barely shining, and to top it all off, the toxic learning environment I was in was getting worse. At least 5 other people in my cohort were contemplating whether or not this was the right choice for them because of the learning environment. It was affecting all of us and it was out of our control.

My mood and emotions began to shift so much - I became irritable, anxious, and emotional 24/7. I was snapping at everyone I knew and I didn’t even feel like myself. The only thing I knew was that I was having a bad time and I didn’t know why. I didn’t want to admit that the weather was affecting me that much, I didn’t want to admit that the people around me were affecting me the way they were. It’s because I wanted to prove to myself and everyone else that I was strong enough to take it.

But honestly, it wasn’t until we broke up that I realized and showed myself that I am strong enough. When I thought I was all alone, I made myself even more alone by pushing you away and eventually deciding that we should break up. I felt the pain and unhappiness in your voice and I knew the only way to fix that was to break up. And even in those darkest moments when I really, truly felt alone, I made it out okay. Every single day, I’ve been finding something to keep me going that doesn’t involve family, friends, or you. Every single day I tell myself I am strong, I am worthy, because at the end of the day, I know I only have myself. And now here I am, moving along with grace every single day. I am at the end of one of the hardest 16 weeks of my life. I have never been pushed to my mental and physical limits before this. I continuously amaze myself knowing that I can do these hard things. And I am so lucky to be in the position I’m in now because it’s forcing me to grow so much.

So many people have doubted me and voiced that this transition period in my life (moving, starting grad school, experiencing a major weather change) is easy and it’s just like anything else. But I know that’s not true, because I know how hard this transition is and I don’t know many people who could do what I’m doing. And I am so proud of myself because I did it when I felt like I was swimming in a pool that was never ending. I am closing this semester out with pride and joy knowing I did my best and I’m so ready to do it again next semester. I know it’ll be tough but I made it through the fire and now I feel like a phoenix rising from the ashes. I am such a strong, young woman and I am ready to take on whatever life throws at me. Three or four years ago, I would have never imagined myself doing what I’m doing now. Younger me would have been so scared to go after all these opportunities and recognize my potential. And now I’m telling myself when life gives me mountains, I'm gonna put my boots on and start hiking instead of running away and cowering in my corner. These last few months living here have been some of the hardest months of my life. It may seem small to you, but I don’t think anyone realizes how pivotal this point in my life is. I have so much clarity knowing things happen in my life for a reason, whether it’s something I agree with or not.

Thank you for being indifferent about all this and thank you for not caring about me when I needed it the most. It’s taught me so much about myself and although it stung to hear how you feel about me, I know it’s what needed to happen for me to become stronger.

“Three men are my friends: he that loves me, he that hates me, and he that is indifferent to me. Who loves me teaches me tenderness. Who hates me teaches me caution. Who is indifferent to me teaches me self-reliance.” -Anonymous

“The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.” -Elie Wiesel

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lovealways--jules · 3 years

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break up thoughts

I don’t even want to date other people right now and I don’t even know how that would work but I’m scared to find out. Cause in my head I don’t want it to be anyone but you. And I think that’s just part of how I’m dealing with this at the moment. But because this is how I feel, hope that you respect me enough and respect our past enough to tell me when you do start dating someone. Just so that I’m not dumbfounded or caught off guard if I find out.

Also if you feel comfortable, you can also email me if there is something huge like a job promotion, new career change, buying a car, or moving out. I wanna see you shine even if I’m not right next to you.

I thought you felt supported as I helped you navigate what kind of career you wanted to pursue. I thought I was helping you.

Do you want to settle down and feel like you couldn’t with me?

Was I a good partner? Like were you happy at any point?

And why did you just like cut me out completely like it was so easy? Are you that tired of me? How did you do it so easily and so quickly? Were you desperate to get rid of me? Like it seems like

Am I like high maintenance or anything?

It feels like you don’t want anything to do with me anymore. You just cut me out of your life so quickly, so easily. And it breaks my heart because it seems like in your head, we were broken up for a long time already. You were just waiting for me to catch on to it.

I suggested breaking up because I knew you wanted to. And I knew you would never bring it up. I wanted to put you out of your misery that you were so open to showing with little things. My heart breaks because of that. Because I loved you from the beginning all the way to the end. And I’m not sure you felt the same. Maybe you loved me but you were no longer in love with me. I don’t even know if the last time we were together, you even wanted to be there. And that hurts me so much. So much. Because that was the best two days of my life because I saw a glimpse of what could have been and what will now never be. My heart hurts from that. We weren’t on the same page.

I feel like you’re attributing all my faults to my family. Everything is good when it’s just us two. And I know there will be times when we are with our families but when we’re older and we have the means to be driving on our own and things like that, we will be able to. It’s not like I fall to their feet for every little thing. I remember when my parents were preparing for my sister and rob to come, we didn’t want to go to Luisa and sons so we didn’t. And we stayed home. I just feel like you’re blaming things on me just cause of my family and it’s hard. Cause you know when I’m not with them it’s different. And we’re not always gonna be with my family or your family. Just like how it was for those two days on my birthday

Did you even want to be with me on my birthday?

After reflecting, it feels like this relationship was one sided. How long were you lying to me before we broke up?

And I thought you had a great time with me and my family in Oregon when we first visited. You even said at my house that you had such a great time. So I’m just wondering if you were lying then just to get in my pants.

I literally don’t know what you mean when you say I haven’t been happy for more than 6 months. Do you not know what it means to be fucking chronically and severely depressed?? Like yes, some days I really let my mental health get to me, especially recently with the move. But come on now, as if a move to a whole new state isn’t hard??? Idk what you wanted from me. But that’s some badass stuff there and if you don’t see that, that is your loss. When you are in a new situation, you lean on the people you are closest to, and that’s what I was doing. But honestly, if you wanted to date other people and you were getting bored or tired or whatever, you honestly could have said that. So I’m not breaking my back trying to figure out how I could have taken more risks.

Was there anything I could do differently or was it just the way I was? I’ve been watching a lot of videos and recognized a lot of unhealthy behaviors within myself, that I didn’t see as unhealthy because it was what I grew up with. Like always wondering what you were doing or who you were with… of course that could mean I care, but also there gets to a point where it becomes obsessive and unhealthy. And I think that’s where I was at the time when we broke up.

At first, a lot of the stuff I was doing because I thought it would show that I cared was actually stuff that turns a lot of people away. While I didn’t recognize it before, a lot of it is stuff I resent my parents for. But now that I recognize it, I can grow to learn how to be better for myself. Because over these last few days I’ve realized that I should be living for myself, not for others. I remember waiting and counting down the minutes it would hit 4:30 so you could call me. I remember purposefully not doing things so I would be free for when you talked to me. In the moment, I thought that would show you I cared. But in hindsight, it only made it worse for me because when you didn’t call at that time I immediately thought there was something wrong and I felt betrayed because I spent my time waiting for you to call when I could have been doing something more productive. This whole time I thought it was you who wasn’t supporting me the way I wanted or it was you who wasn’t helping me the way I needed. But actually, I was setting unrealistic expectations for myself and you, which did not help strains on our relationship caused by the distance.

Telling my parents about everything was pretty hard because it showed me that they really had no idea what I was going through, and that’s on me. I spent so much of my life trying to make it seem perfect and that I was loving every minute of it. But in reality, I was so unhappy doing that that it made me even more depressed and anxious trying to uphold those “standards” I set for myself.

My parents were also shocked that I could ever have depression when they gave everything to me. They thought my depression could be fixed in a month, but that’s not the case, especially when it’s been something I’ve struggled with since junior high. I understand why it all came out when it did because I’ve been under the most stress in my life right now and I couldn’t hold anything in anymore. All the feelings that I’ve been trying so hard to suppress and cover up with people, adventures, food, memories - it all came out like an avalanche. And it honestly makes sense. I’m the most vulnerable out here with not much security built and I feel the repercussions of not addressing my struggles sooner.

I just want you to know that I’m going to be okay and you don’t have to worry about me anymore. Obviously it might take some time for me to fully know who I am because I spent the last 23 years covering up everything about myself. But I want you to let go so you can experience all of life that is out there for you. I’ve said it so much throughout our relationship but I honestly believe that you will accomplish really great things and everything will be worth it in the end. I know the last few years have been hard for you, trying to figure out what it is that you want to do. But I feel like 24 is going to be your year and you’re going to be so great and really see your full potential come to fruition. I’m just a little sad I won’t be there to see it. But all good things must come to an end eventually, whether we want to believe it or not. I want nothing but the best for you, you’ve been such a huge part of my life and you deserve everything you want and more. and I thank you for some of the best memories I will cherish forever.

Holy shot I’m Mac Miller you’re Ariana Grande

I gave you so much of me that I lost who I was.

You said you didn’t want to have kids with me because you’re scared of what will happen after. That’s kind of really hurtful of you and cowardly too. More than half of the world struggle with mental illness so for you to say that shows who you are. While I do struggle with mental illness, that doesn’t make me any less capable to have kids, be a good mom, or be loved by someone. So it hurts me that you think that of me and even said that to me.

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lovealways--jules · 3 years

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You have been so disrespectful to me and I never thought in a million years you would hurt me. First, when you felt like you didn’t want to be with me in April, you still stayed with me for 8 more months. Even after I thought we had so much fun in Oregon. Second, you said you didn’t want to break up with me before I left for school and before my birthday. Yet you used me so many times in between and even on my birthday. You even asked me to send you pictures in October. And that whole time you wanted to end things. Was anything ever genuine? It’s hard for me to decipher. And now, you don’t even want to meet with me or see me when we are likely never going to see each other again. We were together for over 5 years so I guess that doesn’t really mean much to you. You know how that makes me feel? It makes me feel like you checked out a long time ago and you don’t care about me. You said “time has passed”. How the f has time passed when it hasn’t even been two weeks? You played me like a damn fool. I hope no one ever makes you feel how you’re making me feel right now. I don’t wish this on anyone, even you.

I know you don’t know what you want and whatever but don’t put me at the center of your flaws. Don’t put the blame on me that the reason why you couldn’t have fun was because of me. Because never once did I say that you couldn’t do something. I gave you all my love and care and everything but I guess it was too much. Thanks for everything.

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lovealways--jules · 5 years

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It’s been a while...

In light of recent news, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’ve realized a few things:

1. Keep doing what you love

2. Always tell someone you love them

3. Family is forever - whether that be a friend, a community you’re part of, or anyone else you consider family

4. And, hold your people close

All of these have an underlying sense of love and comfort. I think those feelings are essential to living and essential to continuing to live for someone else. Love yourself, love one another, rely on one another, seek comfort in one another.

I think this is so important to remember as we embark on the new journey that is the new year.

Rest in Love to those we’ve lost in 2020.

love always --

jules

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lovealways--jules · 5 years

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