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[loveladynonsense]

After years of painful sex I finally went to the doctor only to be told I'm completely physically healthy and what she assumes to be happening is due to anxieties, I'm unable to ever relax enough to be fully aroused. I've been seeing a therapist about my anxiety and PTSD for years but I'm just stuck. I'm not really looking for advice just an ear, I'm too embarrassed to tell my irl friends any of this. I just feel kind of broken and defeated. Like maybe I should just give up and be alone forever.

I’m sorry that you’re going through this and I’m honestly pretty angry on your behalf.

I know you’re not looking for advice, and seeing a therapist for your anxiety and PTSD is obviously the right course of action, even if you haven’t seen the results you’re hoping for. Mental illness is a long road and even with treatment it’s unlikely you’ll ever feel completely free of it (sorry to be a downer).

But it just doesn’t sound like you’re being heard or that your problem is being taken seriously. Sexual dysfunction seriously impacts your quality of life and I don’t think it should be so easily written off as “just stress, oh well”.

Not knowing the specifics of your issue, I can’t get too detailed with my thoughts. But there are things to look into even if you’re working on the anxiety side of things and you know you’re physically healthy.

Lack of arousal could be the result of medications, including anti-depressants and birth control pills. It’s worth reviewing the potential side effects of any medications you’re on and possibly switching to something else where possible.

Some women experience vaginismus, where the pelvic floor muscles involuntarily spasm and completely close the vagina, preventing penetration or making it extremely painful. This is generally linked to anxiety, yes, but physiotherapy is also valuable in training you to control your pelvic floor muscles and preventing that spasm.

I suspect that ultimately an understanding partner that can work through your problems with you with kindness and patience would be the solution. Don’t feel like not being ready for sex right now means you can’t date or have to be alone. You don’t need to be alone just because you’re struggling, OK? Good luck <3

[loveladynonsense]

[loveladynonsense]

Is using a vibrator stoping me from having orgasms with my partner. No man has ever made me finish and I want too, allow myself to let go and have that feeling done by someone else. My partner feels so bad when he can’t finish me but I feel very responsible for it, I feel like it’s my fault. He also gets annoyed when after sex, which is always very good I finish myself with a toy, but it’s the only way I’ve ever known to finish, I can’t finish with my hand? How can I orgasm with my hand + sex

You know what every woman I’ve been with has in common?

They’ve told me right off the bat that it was particularly, frustratingly difficult to get them to orgasm.

Their attitudes about it have varied from “don’t worry about it, I just won’t” (ie please don’t make this is a whole never-ending ordeal that’s frustrating for both of us) to “I hope you’re cool with snuggling while I get myself off with my vibrator” (which might be easier for another woman to understand than a man).

Now I’m not so prolific a womanizer that this handful of women is a decent sample size, but it sure seems to me like women who think they have a particularly difficult time reaching orgasm are, in fact, pretty much the norm.

I wanted to find some actual scientific data on this but I am completely coming up empty. I keep finding statistics on orgasm through vaginal intercourse: unsurprisingly, only about a quarter of women consistently get off that way. But it seems like there’s not a lot of interest in delving into whether they’re getting off from manual or oral stimulation without help from toys.

The point is, female orgasm is somewhat elusive, and that’s normal and not something you should feel guilty about. It’s also not your fault just because you’ve been enjoying the relatively easy method of using a vibrator to get there.

I have several suggestions for how you can work on being able to experience orgasm with your partner! Oh, and while I usually write these posts to be pretty gender neutral, I’m going to be speaking about male partners specifically here since you specified that’s what you’ve got. A lot of this advice will apply regardless of your partner’s gender, though. Let’s get to it…

Suggestion 1: Use a vibrator with your partner

Maybe the most obvious solution here. It’s one thing if your partner finishes and then you roll over and grab a toy to finish yourself. He’s probably feeling like it’s a testament to his inadequacy and that he’s left you unsatisfied, which ruins his own afterglow.

So I would suggest bringing it in earlier. This may require getting a different kind of vibrator than you currently have.

Option A: Show your partner how you use it on yourself, then let them take over. Do this as foreplay, while things are ramping up for both of you, instead of at the end. If he can get you to orgasm at this point, then everything else that comes afterwards is just the cherry on top. Bonus: your partner, with a different vantage point, will be able to combine the vibrations with more touch from his fingers and/or tongue to do things way better than you can do yourself.

Option B: Use a vibrator during vaginal sex. Works best with something small like a bullet, not something big and phallic. You can hold it or you could give your partner control of it. Either way, it’ll make you a lot more likely to have an orgasm during sex.

Suggestion 2: Figure out what you like

Challenge yourself to masturbate without the vibrator for a while, and really learn how to get there with just fingers. It’s easier for you to do this than anybody else, since you have the immediate feedback of actually, well, feeling it.

This might be challenging and tiring at first. Literally, it might wear out your fingers and be a little frustrating. Just try to relax and take your time. Watch some porn or just light erotica if it helps keep you interested. Spoiler alert: most women find consistent, medium pressure in an up and down motion over the clitoris to be the most effective.

Once you master this yourself, you can show your partner exactly how to do it.

Suggestion 3: Try different positions

While it might be an ambitious goal to orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone, there are a few positions that will likely be more intense for you, and pair well with additional clitoral stimulation.

Doggy-style, where you’re on your hands and knees with him behind you, is great for hitting your g-spot, although it might take some adjustment of the angle on your part to really get the good stuff. He can also easily reach around to stimulate your clit manually or with a vibrator.

Alternately, try having him lie down while you straddle him on top. This gives you total control, making it easier to find what feels best for you. Leaning forward can help create friction on your clit, and leaning backwards can help stimulate your g-spot internally. Leaning backwards also leaves your clit accessible to fingers and/or a vibrator.

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Whatever you try (and I’d suggest you try all of these), try to make it a fun exercise for you and your partner. Make it clear that you enjoy having sex with him and want to try some new things to help take it to the next level. If you go in with the spirit of fun and experimentation, rather than anxiety over a problem that needs to be “fixed”, this can be a really fun and very pleasurable journey. Good luck!

[loveladynonsense]

So I have a problem, I can’t stop imagining my friends getting really fat and feeding them and it turns me on and I don’t know what to do. Because it feels extremely creepy to have these thoughts about people and they won’t stop? If there’s any advice you could give, I would be very thankful

I have to admit I’ve been sitting on this ask for a long time.

I have to assume, Anon, that you are already aware of the concept of a Feeder Fetish or “Feederism” and that you clearly have this particular fetish.

My first exposure to this concept was as a teenager, when a creepy older man would repeatedly send me his detailed feeding fantasies about me. Obviously, this didn’t leave a great taste in my mouth, as a child having an adult man tell me that he wanted me to become so fat I couldn’t get of (his) bed. Big yikes.

My knee-jerk response to your ask was this is a no-go and you can never, ever act on this fetish and need to shut it down entirely.

For the sake of fairness, I decided to learn more about Feederism and the people who engage in it, and see if there was a more measured response, because of course making something sexual Forbidden-with-a-capital-F is often a way to just fetishize it further.

So, for starters, I do want to say that you should probably leave your friends out of this. Odds are zero of them have any interest in sexualized weight gain for you, and would be deeply uncomfortable with knowing your fantasies. The more mental energy you put into these fantasies, the more ingrained they’re going to get.

So you gotta direct that elsewhere.

And this is the internet, so. There are places. 

Look, the idea of making someone gain massive amounts of weight to the point of being immobile and bed-ridden is abusive and awful. It’s something that won’t, and shouldn’t, happen.

However, there are people out there who enjoy taking the submissive roll of being fed and gaining weight to some extent. Constant weight fluctuation isn’t the healthiest thing in the world, but we all do shit that isn’t healthy but brings us pleasure. If you want to find someone who will actually indulge this fantasy to some degree in a safe, consensual way, then it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

But don’t involve your friends in this. Don’t make their eating behaviors a sexual thing against their will or knowledge. There are people online willing to do this with you, either for purely mutual benefit or for money. Seems like a much better option to me.

[loveladynonsense]

Is this anyone else’s constant experience trying to find women to date or am I just unmatchable

[loveladynonsense]

Thanks so much for your advice! I appreciate it a lot x

my pleasure ❤

[loveladynonsense]

I've been using a dating app for a month now & all the guys I've met were nice, but I wasn't really into them. I met up with this guy last week & I ended up really liking him & I think part of it is bc he's the first one I was actually attracted to. He seemed to have a good time too & we're still talking, but he texts me way less than what I'm used to & it makes me feel like he's really not into me especially when I see him online on Insta. How do I just chill out & stop thinking about him?

It’s so easy to obsess about a new person that you’re into, especially when you’ve got real-time access to the details of their lives with apps like Instagram. I get it.

The thing is, you shouldn’t make assumptions about communication frequency in the early stages of a relationship. Some people like to text constantly all day. Some prefer to find a time where they can focus on having a conversation with you. Some people will text whenever and answer messages whenever they have a minute. Others feel compelled to answer texts immediately.

None of this defines how interested he is in you, and you don’t know enough about him yet to draw any conclusions. Maybe he texts you infrequently because he likes you so much he feels like he really has to think about what to say. Maybe he wants to wait until he’s home and has some dedicated free time to concentrate on having a conversation with you rather than shooting off a quick text.

Think about what’s important:

Do you like the messages he does send you?

Does he say he’s interested?

Does he talk about seeing you again?

Does he ever make time to really have a conversation with you?

All of those are better indicators of his interest than just how often he texts you.

Ultimately, try to let go of the outcome here. Sometimes a first date is kind of like a job interview. You have sort of an idea what they want, but there’s probably a lot of unspoken factors and random criteria you just don’t know about. You do your best, present yourself as positively as you can, and probably have a couple awkward fumbles. And then you can’t really do anything but wait and see if you made the cut.

At this point (already showed him your interest by matching with him in the first place, went on a date and continued speaking) if he wants you he will pursue you. It’s OK to let him come to you and follow his lead. If you’re still wondering if he’s into you in two weeks, he’s probably not. Try not to fret. It’s only been a month. There are more men out there: ones that you find attractive and exciting and that make the effort to be with you. Whatever happens with this guy in particular, you’re gonna be OK.

[loveladynonsense]

I’m in a relationship, been about 4 months and it’s going so well. I know that I love him very much. However every now and then I feel the urge to call him by my ex partners name. Totally on accident but the fear that it will come out is horrible, it has once or twice and it’s embarrassing. Me and my ex argued for 3 years, could have 4 arguments every day and this relationship ended about 9 months ago now. I don’t love my ex at all, maybe I’m still a bit resentful but even still I need help?

This seems like a straightforward enough question, but I feel like there’s a lot going on here. If feasible, this would definitely be something worth talking through with a therapist.

But I’ll at least give you some things to think about in relation to this problem.

First: Your past relationship. At least 3 years long and characterized by constant arguing. That sounds intense, and emotionally draining. Presumably there was something that made all that fighting worthwhile. Maybe you’re even a little bit addicted to that kind of conflict?

Second: Your current relationship. You’ve been together 4 months, so there would’ve been a 5 month gap between your previous long-term relationship and this relatively new one. That seems reasonable, but also close enough that it’s pretty fresh.

And then the blurting. ‘Blurting’ is saying something without thinking, skipping your usual mental filter. It sounds like you’re mostly controlling this impulse, but slipping occasionally, which I imagine hurts your partner.

I can’t help but think that at least some part of you is looking for conflict. Your last relationship was essentially defined by conflict. A big reason why people sabotage relationships and start fights with their partner is that they get frightened when they’re vulnerable with a partner. Creating an argument puts a kind of armor up, fortifying your defenses against intimacy and vulnerability. Really reflect on this: do you feel safer when you’re in conflict? Does opening up to someone new frighten you? It’s OK if it does. Acknowledge it, reason with it, and avoid the sabotaging behavior.

Another thing that comes to mind is that your mind is likely remembering the early months of your past relationship as you live through this new one. Most couples don’t have any big problems at 4 months. It’s a time where you’re just really getting to know each other and falling in love. Which is to say, I’m guessing it was a good point in your last relationship too. It’s normal to reflect and compare, but try not to dwell on it or to obsess on the similarities and differences between the two unique relationships.

Now, be honest with yourself about your feelings for your ex. You say you don’t love them: obviously, that’s positive. But how much room are you keeping in your life and in your brain for them? Do you follow them on social media? Do you ask friends about them? Is their number still saved in your phone? Are there pictures of the two of you on your phone? Is your home full of gifts they gave you?

It’s OK to exorcise all of that from your life. Let the ex go. You don’t have to stay friends. You don’t have to know what they’re up to. You don’t have to hang on to memories of your relationship. Let it go, and get them out of your head once and for all. Make room for somebody new.

Finally, take a bit of wisdom from the world of meditation. When trying to clear your mind, the trick is to acknowledge a stray thought, make note of its existence, and then let it go. Try to think of your ex’s name crossing your mind in this way. It drifts in, unbidden and unwanted. You see it: “oh, there’s that name again.” No judgment, just acknowledgment. Don’t fight it, don’t obsess over it. Just let it drift away, leaving your mind as easily as it came into it.

[loveladynonsense]

You haven’t answered my ask yet? Do you turn down some? Just wondering?

I can’t promise that I’ll never turn one down, but I haven’t so far. I have 4 currently waiting to be answered and I should get through all of them within the next week.

[loveladynonsense]

I’m not so much as afraid of sex as I am kissing. It seems so intimate. I don’t know why but making out with someone seems so scary to me and, like, what if I’m horrible at it???? Any advice?

Your feelings are totally valid; kissing is indeed very intimate! You can have sex without someone without ever looking them in the eye, but kissing involves your face…you’re up close and personal, tasting, smelling, touching another person. Don’t feel pressured to downplay that level of intimacy.

Some fears you just have to face to get past them, and that will apply here only to a certain extent. Like anything sexual, it can feel like a violation if you’re coming at it with anything less than enthusiasm and genuine desire. If you kiss someone when you’re frightened and uncomfortable, you will hate it.

Don’t kiss if you feel fear, shame, repulsion.

Do kiss if you feel excitement, desire, but maybe a little anxiety.

To get to that point where you’re desperate to kiss someone, even though it’s a little scary, you’ll want to have a natural escalation of physical and emotional intimacy first. Whether that means weeks of dating somebody special that you have big feelings for or hours of flirting with an attractive stranger that you just want to make out with is up to you. Either way, you’ll want to move through things like touching each other’s hands, arms, shoulders, maybe hands on hair, neck, face, before pressing your mouths together.

I would recommend telling your partner up-front that you have never kissed somebody, but want to. Don’t be embarrassed about it; everyone starts somewhere, and most people are totally fine with either working through your firsts together or being your coach as someone more experienced. Being open about it will help them to treat it with a little more reverence and take it slower (feel free to literally say ‘I need to take it slow’).

If your partner is more experienced than you, let them take the lead. Kissing is not rocket science. You’re allowed to just kind of stand there with lips parted slightly and let it happen. If they do something you hate (like shove their tongue to the back of your throat), pull away and ask them to ease off. Good kissing is honestly mostly about communication, even if that means silently responding to what the other person does.

When you’re wanting to take a more active role, remember that too little is generally preferable to too much. Start slow and just press your lips to someone’s, or give a peck on the lips. Then you can start to open your mouth and maybe slip in a little tongue. For to the love of god, go easy on the tongue. If your partner wants more, they can initiate that themselves. 

You can do this! Think of all the people out there far less competent and intelligent than you making out with each other successfully. You’ve got this. Just make sure you have fun 😊

[loveladynonsense]

ok hiya sorry, so the other day i was with my bf and we were like messing around and then we went to actually have sex and i couldn’t. like i’m a virgin n he’d fingered me a little n that hurt but like then it was okay but then when he went to actually put his dick in it hurt so so bad even though i was like wet?? and the pain was so bad that i like started crying n then he like immediately stopped and we just like left it. i think i partly cried cause i freaked myself out about like (part 1)

(cont) all these like conditions which like give you pain when having sex?? there was blood in my panties after and i’m just wondering if you think it’s more likely it was a combination of nerves n like low pain threshold which made me cry rather than the pain being due to these types of condition?? also any advice for next time we try which would help it hurt less?? thank you so much i appreciate you and this account lots n lots xx (part two)

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I’m sorry you had a tough experience! I totally understand how stressful and scary that could be. I wouldn’t be concerned about anything being seriously wrong with you, though.

I think you’re definitely right that nerves had something to do with it. As for low pain threshold, that shouldn’t be an issue. Sex shouldn’t really hurt at all so you shouldn’t have to be putting up with anything unbearable.

Lubrication is part of the equation and it sounds like you’re good on that front. Aside from that, you need to consider the actual muscles in your pelvic floor that can basically clench your vagina shut or relax to let it stretch open.

I’m guessing that’s your real issue. For some people, attempting to insert anything into the vagina triggers an involuntary muscle spasm that squeezes the opening shut. This makes any kind of penetration painful or impossible. It’s called vaginismus and it’s not typically a sign of any serious medical issue.

What you need to keep in mind is that this is strongly associated with anxiety. So attempting to have sex even when it’s painful is not helpful. The fear of pain will only increase and make it harder and harder to ever relax.

If you have safe access to a doctor, I would definitely discuss it with them. Occasionally an infection like a UTI can be a factor, but usually not. If you’d prefer to work through it on your own, you can find lots of resources online. I talked about this a little before in this question about vaginal insertion but if the advice there is too difficult, you might want to go even slower.

Training your pelvic floor muscles to contract and relax at will is also helpful. Here’s some advice on how to do kegel exercises to gain more control.

If I were you, I’d try to shelve penetrative sex for the moment until you feel more comfortable with it and are able to painlessly insert a finger or two. Focus on what you can do while you grow more comfortable with sex and don’t push yourself to the point of pain or panic.

Good luck!

[loveladynonsense]

✨🌸 I will keep it brief. My boyfriend and I were having sex. He kept getting me to ride him then making me stop, then ride him again. Nornally this is fine, but we have been walking miles for the past few days. We are on holiday so my legs kept cramping. He just dismissed what I was saying? He started to choke me which is fine, but when I tapped his hands because I thought I was going to pass out he patched me again.

🌸✨ I tried to say that he was being weird and he clamed up on me saying I say I’m into this stuff (I am) but we need to communicate before any kind of rough play so we can have boundaries. He was like well part of being sub is doing what you are told. This is completely out of character for him! When the mood died I went to the bathroom to clean up and he was out like a light. So I’m putting it down to drinking and smoking. I’m not sure if I should bring it up in the morning?

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Anon, I hope you brought it up.

Let’s talk about reason vs excuse.

In basically any context, deliberately getting intoxicated is a reason for bad behavior, but it’s not an excuse. He’s still accountable for how he treats you when he’s drunk/high. And you definitely need to talk about it, especially because it’s probably safe to assume this isn’t the last time you’re going to have sex while drunk.

Making you get on top over and over even though you’re tired…maybe poor etiquette, not a big deal. I assume you could’ve refused at any point and just said “forget it” and gone to sleep. I wouldn’t be too concerned about that part.

The rest, though…yikes. He needs to not only apologize but immediately commit to never, ever doing it again, no matter what. How are you supposed to ever feel safe with someone who ignores you when you signal that you need him to stop? That’s completely unacceptable.

Look, I’m no BDSM expert, but sub or not you need to consent to everything that’s going to happen in a sexual encounter. It might be fun to feel like you’re under someone’s control, but it has to be an illusion to some degree. You need to be able to revoke consent at any time. Whether it’s because you’re in actual danger (very possible if he’s choking you) or just because you’re suddenly uncomfortable and no longer enjoying it.

Your mental state in the moment always, always trumps any “permission” you’ve given in the past. It sounds like you guys need to revisit communication rules: safe word, tapping out, etc. And make it very clear this is unacceptable. To be honest, if a partner pulled this with me I would physically hurt them in self-defense if I had to. If it happened twice I’d be kicking them to the curb.

If you’re still torn on whether it’s worth having a conversation: just remember that people are constantly feeling out the boundaries of how they can treat you. If you let this slide, he will believe that it’s not a big deal and he will do it again. Say something. Have the talk. Good luck

[loveladynonsense]

Sorry I saw this without any credit to the original source but it is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life

[loveladynonsense]

Thank you so much. So, my bf and I are both virgins and recently tried oral sex for the first time. Me giving him head went fairly ok, but when he gave me head he started to gag and almost threw up. He carried on though until I finished but after I freaked out because I didn't want to hurt him/felt disgusted at myself. I still feel disgusted at my body. He said he enjoyed it and that it was fine but I feel like so ashamed and that my body is disgusting/that he didn't enjoy it. What should I do?

Hi Anon! Thanks for writing. I hope you saw my post two days ago, from someone with the opposite problem: she loved giving head in theory but was frustrated by her own gag reflex and embarrassed that she had actually vomited from it in the past. I say I hope you read it not because I think the specific advice pertains to you, but rather because from the sound of it, your boyfriend is in a similar head space to that anon: he wanted to do it enough to carry on and told you he enjoyed it, and I’m sure the fact that he gagged was entirely involuntary and embarrassing for him.

So my simple, rational response to this is: take him at his word that it’s fine. It is fine. And it’s not at all unusual.

But I don’t honestly expect you to be 100% rational about sex. No one really is. It takes a tremendous amount of vulnerability to literally lay yourself bare in front of someone and let them explore every part of your body. With that vulnerability it’s totally natural for some insecurity (or a lot of insecurity) to come forth as well.

Try to remember that it goes both ways, especially since you mentioned that you’re both virgins. As hot and sexy and exciting as it is to go through these new experiences with someone you care about, you’re both going through this struggle to accept your own body and believe that the other person accepts it too.

Here’s the cold, hard truth: sometimes sex is a little bit gross. Things smell a little weird, taste a little weird. Sometimes you get down there and it’s sweatier or hairier than you expected, or there’s little bits of toilet paper that make you cringe. This happens to literally everybody. Even those waxed, shiny, flawless porn stars you’ve looked at probably don’t scrub and shave that thoroughly when they’re having sex for fun instead of for the camera.

Or sometimes we’re trying something new and the totally normal, fresh and clean taste and smell is unexpected and causes an involuntary response. Sex is full of totally involuntary reflexes and reactions. That loss of control is kind of the fun of it. Sometimes they’re not entirely sexy, like almost puking on your partner.

But at the end of the day, most of us love sex and we love our partners’ bodies and their weird smelly sexy genitals and we just want to make them feel good again and again. Please believe him when he says he enjoys it. Believe him when he says he wants you and you’re sexy.

Be courteous and make an effort to be clean and fresh. That’s all you’ve gotta do. There’s nothing wrong with your body. Your boyfriend sounds wonderful. Try not to make him feel bad because he’s probably super embarrassed about this too.

Have fun

[loveladynonsense]

Hi I write you about boring sex!!! Uhg. I tell him the rule idea and he say ok. So I try help him learn and he just poke poke poke poke no rubbing, I tell him finally, you are so bad at sex. He say sorry but I just cant believe he suck so much.

This is a followup to this previous ask

I don’t know what to even say at this point, anon. I didn’t get around to this ask right away, and I find myself wondering if you’re even still together.

Honestly? It doesn’t sound like you’re into him, like at all. Whatever you feel for him to make you want to be in a relationship, it doesn’t sound like there’s a lot of romance and sexual attraction there. Of course I’ve only got a small part of the picture, but sexual compatibility is a big deal in a relationship. When you have sexual needs that are consistently being unmet, it’s tough to feel happy in your relationship.

I kind of love that you flat out told him he was bad at sex. Did he even seem to care? Is he even trying? I wouldn’t hold it against him for being inexperienced or not sure what to do, but if you’re showing him what to do and trying to fix this problem and he’s just shrugging his shoulders and saying “sorry”…that’s not enough.

You deserve someone who is devoted to your pleasure and makes it his personal mission to drive you crazy in bed. If this isn’t that someone then…do what you’ve gotta do.

[loveladynonsense]

My gag reflex is awful but I wanna be a BJ master. I always think I love giving head until I have to actually do it and then im tensing that im gonna vomit and YES it has happened before. My nausea is so sensitive, I can even heave while brushing my tongue gently with a toothbrush. Should I just practice with toys or hot dogs and get flashbacks to being 13 and not knowing what the hell I'm doing?

I realize you’re kinda joking but…yeah. That’s not a bad idea.

You can definitely train your gag reflex to calm down, and it’s clearly better to do this alone than in a situation where you’re at risk of vomiting on someone’s dick…again. Or maybe you can find a person who’s into that.

So, yeah, maybe not hot dogs, but your fingers will work just fine. Wash your hands and start exploring. There are multiple places in your mouth/throat that can trigger your gag reflex, but start by finding the point at the back of your tongue and/or the roof of your mouth that makes you gag (if you want to use a very clean dildo for this, it will probably hit both spots at once). Let yourself gag a little but focus on trying to relax your tongue and throat, breathing through your nose. Hold this for several seconds. Repeat a few times every day or two, and gradually you’ll be able to move your fingers/dildo further back into your throat, which might trigger your gag reflex in a different spot. Deal with it the same way, slowly training yourself to relax, breathe, and stay calm.

Other things to remember:

Some aspects of gagging are more psychological (ever gagged because you just saw something gross?). If you’re easing into your new life as BJ master, maybe stick to guys who are literally just stepping out of the shower, or maybe even in the shower with you. Don’t grab him as he’s coming in after a 10K, you know? The less gross-out potential the better.

Don’t go too crazy trying to be a deep-throat hero right out of the gate. Tell your next partner what’s up and that he needs to be gentle and let you be in control. Focus on the tip – which is more sensitive anyway – and use your hands for the rest. And I can’t emphasize this enough: tell him to hold still. Make it a sexy dominance thing if you have to, whatever it takes, but he can’t just fuck your face like you’re in porno. Leave that nonsense to the professionals for now.

If you want to get to the point where you can take that, you’ll have to go back to practicing on your own, except this time instead of holding something still at the back of your throat, start pushing yourself to tolerate moving it back and forth. It’s tough. But you can get there, if blowjob mastery is your dream. Seems like a noble enough pursuit to me.

Good luck!!

[loveladynonsense]

i feel like cis people assume if you’re trans you’re either gay or straight and that’s why you barely ever see positivity posts for trans bi people so here’s your daily reminder that we’re here and we’re great! bi trans women? amazing. bi trans men? amazing. nonbinary bi people? you guessed it, amazing!