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ltgenjackoneill-blog · 8 years ago

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[Another older written drabble while I get to things that actually need written. A perspective on the fact that Jack’s gotta have PTSD and probably a few other issues to deal with.]

“There’s nothing out there that cares less about you than space. It’s cold, there’s no horizon. It just stretches on forever with no end in sight. There’s a false sense of security brought on by the stars, nebulae and asteroids. An illusion that space is inviting, adventurous and magical. But those things are never within reach or they are a threat to anyone around them. Space is a void that people were never supposed to fill. It cares for no one and nothing and could kill you and no one would know. You’d be gone and that’d be it. Space continues on because you didn’t show it the respect it deserves, it demands. It makes you feel small, worthless and there’s nothing you can do about it. It made me feel like I did before.”

“Feel like before?” Silence took over, a cruel mimicry of the vacuum of space. “Colonel?”

“Look, you’ve read my file, you know.”

“If I could get the answers I needed from your file we wouldn’t be here. How did you feel and before what?”

Jack’s dark eyes studied the psychologist sitting almost picturesque across from him. Keri Vance, a doctor of psychology and a well-respected major in the Air Force. She earned clearance to be a part of the Stargate Program from her tenure with the military and offering her expertise to the women and men of the Air Force for over three decades. Through general conversation, Jack discovered that he graduated from the academy just two years before she did. Keri dealt with soldiers who had been through the worst of the worst, seen things that no human had ever experienced before. She conveyed poise and compassion, even when she needed to be strong willed with some of her patients.

“What, I explain what happened and I get put on mandatory psych leave? Look, Doc, it was a onetime thing. Won’t happen again. Can we be done here?” Jack shifted in his seat, what should have been a comfortable stuffed leather chair felt rock solid and he a hard time keeping himself still.

Keri gave Jack a knowing look before she glanced down to the notepad in her hands. “Colonel you had a panic attack. People experience them every single day and you having one doesn’t mean you’ll be forced to the side. You’ve been through more traumatic experiences than dozens of people will ever experience in their entire lives. If you didn’t have a panic attack I would be more concerned. But for your sake, for your team’s sake and all the SGC, it’s better to know what happened and why. So that you can continue on as the exemplary officer that everyone knows you to be.”

The protection and well-being of his team was paramount to Jack, something that could be exploited as a weakness if done correctly. He let out a sigh, not wanting to talk anymore. Emotions were his weakest area and talking about them with anyone proved difficult. Jack hadn’t even been able to talk to his ex-wife about the loss of their son and they had been married for nearly a decade. To try and talk about that same subject with a doctor he’d only heard of previously seemed impossible.

“How about we just start with what happened, what led up to that moment?” Keri offered, working the situation from a different angle. Jack knew what she was doing, he blew out a breath and conceded.

“Fine. Major Carter, Dr. Jackson, Teal’c and myself had managed to escape the ambush, but just barely. We needed to meet at the rendezvous point so that Jacob could ring us back aboard his ship. Carter took a hit, Dr. Jackson and Teal’c assisted her to the meet point while I laid down cover fire. It was then I got injured in the arm and retreated.” His fingers ran along the edge of the sling holding his arm to his chest. Jack’s gaze shifted to the carpet and he continued with what wrong during the mission.

The sharp ethereal twang of the alien firearms discharging still rang loudly in Jack’s ears. The four members of SG-1 all but collapsed into the loading area of the Tok’ra transport ship. Daniel moved frantically to press his hands to the wound on Sam’s stomach as Teal’c pounced to his feet with the grace of a jungle cat and raced for assistance. Jack knelt, his arm bleeding profusely from the deep gash in his bicep. He shucked off his pack, ignored with a grimace when it caught on his injury. Tossing the contents aside he found the first aid kit that everyone carried and removed a compression bandage. Daniel discarded the completely soaked one for the fresh as Jack handed it over. Between the two they had three hands pressing hard against the wound.

“Stay with us, Major, or I swear to God I will bring you back to life just to reprimand you.” Jack said in a commanding voice that was laced with worry.

“Jack you’re injured too.” Daniel said as he looked up to see sleeve of Jack’s green fatigues turning dark brown and red with his own blood.

“It’s nothing.” Jack pressed harder and Sam groaned through her barely lucid state.

SG-1 teamed up with the Tok’ra to make first contact with the native population on a planet that the Tok’ra had evaluated and deemed a valuable base for the expansion of their network. Details had been left out of the original briefing between the SGC and Tok’ra. A vital detail that this was not the first time outsiders had landed on the planet. The Tok’ra had previously attempted to initiate contact but was met with force and aggression. However, the strategic location of the planet proved to great and the higher powers of the Tok’ra wanted a second chance. They contacted the SGC and the flagship team was dispatched in a favor for their allies that could be repaid later.

Sareria entered the storage area, one of the Tok’ra operatives that had come to earth to convince Stargate Command to take on this mission. Jack nearly launched himself at her as she came through the doorway. She stepped back but showed no hint of surprise on her features.

“You bastards sent us into a damn death trap!” Jack seethed as he jabbed a harsh finger in her direction.

“We did not expect them to react so violently.” Sareria responded in a calm voice.

“Didn’t expect it?” Jack was aghast and couldn’t help but to laugh to hold on to a bit of his sanity. “They told us that you were there, they didn’t want anyone using their planet for any sort of war. They chased you off the same way they did us. And now, one of my team is critically injured because valuable information was withheld from us.” Jack closed the gap between them, anger radiating from him.

“If we had told you they treated with hostility it would have skewed your judgement. You would have been predisposition to show violence towards them.” The even cadence of her sounded condescending to Jack.

“You don’t send people into aggressive territory unsuspecting! It changes everything! We would have had a better escape plan or had taken back up. It’s my job to protect them! ” Jack was livid, he might not have had the luxury of being a century old with the military experience to go with it but he had more than thirty years with the Air Force, so he knew a thing or two about strategy. Just as Jack was about to go into a tirade, Teal’c returned with Jacob, who immediately when to aid Daniel in caring for Sam. Jack watched as they did their best to stop the bleeding. He set his jaw and took a deep breath in, with a sharp turn he faced Sareria. “This isn’t over.”

Leaving the storage area, Jack took the familiar route to the control room. The ship was set on autopilot as the only two Tok’ra were assisting with Sam’s condition. Jack’s hand shook with anger and blood loss. He stared out the large window to the endless expanse of space that stretched away. He looked down, his own blood and Sam’s covered his arms and abdomen. He held his shaking hands out, droplets of pooled crimson fell to the ground in perfect circles. Jack closed his eyes tight, the sounds of the attack replying in his head. The sounds of guns firing, the cry of pain Sam released when she was hit. The feeling of his heart sinking as he watched her hit the ground.

He let out a trembling breath, Sam’s blood felt as it if was weighing him down. Forcing his eyes open, Jack looked out the window again, it didn’t seem like they had moved anywhere. Everything outside was the same, black and endless. There was no one around to help, they were on their own. Jack struggled to breathe in this time. The ship felt off kilter, he put out a hand to steady himself but found he couldn’t bare his own weight on his injured arm. He was unable to correct the sudden loss of balance and fell to his knees. “Oh God,”

The sound of the gun discharging broke the happy shared memories between Jack and Sara as they looked at the photos. The pictures were dropped on the lawn, scattering over the grass as the two of them stood up. There was a moment of confusion and then horror seeped into their consciousness. “Charlie!” Sara yelled towards the house. Jack held his arm out, stopping his wife from going anywhere as he made a dash for the house, Sara right behind him. Taking the stairs two, three at a time, Jack climbed to the second floor in no time. He knew which room to look in, he stopped at the open door to their bedroom a sudden fear stopping him cold in his tracks.

Sara stopped behind him, she looked first and immediately started sobbing. “Charlie!” She cried and attempted to push her way past Jack but he stopped her with a strong grip on her shoulders.

“No, don’t.” Jack said before he went into the bedroom. Blood was on the walls, the carpet, the bedspread. Jack’s service weapon laid on the ground next to his son’s body. They had an argument about guns two weeks earlier, they were dangerous, not to be played with. Charlie got mad, he said he was old enough to understand. And the gun he had was just a water gun, what harm would it do?

It’s the principle of the matter. Jack had told his son, there were other toys that he could play with. Guns weren’t toys.

Jack wasn’t an idiot, he had left his gun and ammo in separate locations but not locked up. He should have locked one of them up. Why didn’t he practice the gun safety that is urged onto so many gun owners? To prevent accidental shootings just as this.

“Charlie!” Jack cried this time, holding his son in his arms, he was still alive, there was a clear entry and exit wound and Jack did his best to apply pressure to the gunshot. His hands saturated with the blood of his own son. Sara fetched a towel to press against it as Jack lifted Charlie into his arms and they raced for the car, hoping to get to the hospital before it was too late. They laid him down in the back seat, Jack kneeling over him as Sara ignored speed limits, red lights and basic traffic laws in the futile attempt to save her son’s life. Jack watched as blood pooled in the car, dripped from the seat into perfect small circles on the carpet. He felt his chest tighten as the haunting realization that his only child probably wasn’t going to survive this. “Come on, Charlie, stay with me!” Jack shouted though tears that flowed freely from his cheeks and chin. His son’s eyes open but unresponsive, the same color as his mother’s now seemed dull and cold.

Charlie’s heart kept beating as they arrived at the emergency room, transferred to care of medical professionals, they worked desperately to save his life. But it was too late, they did all they could but the blood loss was to great. Nothing else could be done. The doctor broke the news as easily as he could but it couldn’t stop Sara’s wails from filling the waiting room.

“Dr. Jackson said he found you on the floor on the control room. He thought you had gone into shock from your injury.” Keri said after a long pause held their conversation.

“I probably did.”

“Yes, probably. But it was the fact that you were talking about Charlie that had him concerned. You were having a panic attack brought on by Major Carter’s injury.” Jack turned his attention out the window of her office, it was a bright spring day. Sun filtered in through the blinds and warmed the space but Jack still felt cold. “Colonel, it is completely normal to experience such things. You lost your son to a horrible incident. As a father, you viewed it as your job to protect your son. Just like it is your job to protect your team and in that moment, you were unable. Like with Charlie. Coupled with the injury, an attack was bound to happen.”

“But it can’t happen. I was a mess, I was unable to help.”

“You had a rather serious wound, Colonel. Even without the panic attack you wouldn’t have been able to provide any sort of support.” It was a fact that Jack was well aware of, he knew that but it was still hard to accept. “You said it made you feel like before. What did you mean by that?” Keri asked, wanting one last answer.

“Suicidal.” The short answer was delivered sharply and bluntly. Keri didn’t say anything, just offered an expression of understanding and a silent prompt to continue. “It made me feel like before I joined the Stargate Program. The endless void, the coldness of space. It felt like being suicidal.” Jack explained, knowing the battle with depression and flirting with the idea of death daily. “But after joining the SGC I found… some sort of purpose to my life. But seeing Major Carter injured and feeling useless and I couldn’t help but to think in that moment how Charlie would have loved Sam.” Jack admitted. “When he was six he got hyper-fixated on black holes. I have no idea why or how he even discovered them, but he told me everything there was to know about a black hole. I knew right then and there that he was smarter than me and he was only six. The way Major Carter will go on about physics reminds me of that sometimes. The two things in that moment became the same. And… I couldn’t go through the loss of Charlie all over again.”

It was the admission that Dr. Vance had been waiting for, one that caused her to nod with a faint smile. “Major Carter is supposed to make a full recovery. You did an excellent job evacuating your team and getting them to safety.”

Jack knew the doctor was saying all these things to highlight the good of the situation. He’d used the same technique on officers and airmen below him after missions went wrong. Give a positive comment, review the negative and end with more praise. They had clearly moved on to the second round of compliments. Considering how he felt, Jack only saw them as pity rather than congratulatory remarks.

“The reaction this situation elicited is normal and, honestly, to be expected. Colonel you’ve been diagnosed with PTSD in the past, panic and anxiety attacks are part of living and managing it. It’s only realizing and accepting what happened and working to move past it, to keep it from crippling your judgement that will keep you from sliding backwards. And getting help, from me or anyone else is a viable form of management. Jack,” The use of informal first names was simply a ploy to make sure she had his attention. Honorifics were standard between military and rarely were there times that called for a more personal referral, even when off duty it was always proper titles.

“You can talk to anyone.” Keri continued when she knew Jack was truly listening to her. “Find someone who will listen to what you have to say and tell them about it.” She knew his file, the mandatory psych evaluations that followed his four months as a prisoner of war and Charlie’s accidental death were thin. He said the minimal amount, took whatever sort of recommended course of treatment and action suggested and got cleared for duty at the earliest possible convenience.

Jack watched Dr. Vance idly, somewhat surprised she hadn’t asked him to bare his deepest, darkest secrets to her as she was his psychologist. But he mostly wondered where she was taking this. “Okay.” Jack agreed simply, finding someone to talk to was an easy enough request.

His short response was somehow satisfactory. “Great. And Colonel, the next time you feel overwhelmed by space and the void you view it as, remember what Charlie told you about black holes. While I don’t know what he told you exactly, I’m sure he had nothing bad to say about them.”

“Dad! Dad! Did you know that time slows down the closer you get to the center of a black hole! It’s like you … move … real … slow and,” Charlie put longer and longer pauses between his words. “Stop.” He also stopped moving as well as Jack watched amused while he packed the camping gear for the upcoming weekend trip. “And they dry up over time which eventually kills it! And they can be other colors!”

“Now how can a black hole not be black? What color would it be?” Jack tossed a sleeping bag into the back of the car and turned to look at his son.

Charlie offered a shrug. “I dunno. But nothing can escape a black hole.”

“Where did you learn all this?”

“The library.”

“Ah.” Jack said with a nod and reached down, stopping before he grabbed the next sleeping bag leaving him eye level with the chatty six-year-old. “Nothing can escape them?”

Charlie shook his head. “Nothin’.”

“Like this?” Jack reached out and snatched Charlie and held him tightly in his arms, fighting against the squirming and kicking, but enjoying the squeals and laughter.

Jack smiled a bit as he thought of those fonder memories. “No, he never did have one bad thing to say.”

#★★ sample #// I'll get to writing real starters soooon #// but sleep first

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ltgenjackoneill-blog · 8 years ago

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[A drabble I wrote a while ago concerning a few headcanons I have regarding Jack’s family. Since they are never once mentioned in the show.]

Minneapolis, Minnesota – December 14, 1962

“Jackie, come on, let’s get going.” Marcus said in a hushed tone as he peeked above the trunk of the fallen tree him and his younger brother were currently crouched behind. They were avoiding their younger sisters who were actively looking for them.

“I’m tellin’ ya, Mark.” Jack said in a normal voice, not caring to use a whisper. “They’re not going to find us. We’re farther into the woods than they’re allowed to go.” Jack glanced over his shoulder, looking down the path that he and his brother took to get to their hiding spot. The tracks they left in the seven inches of snow made them as easy to find as if they shouted. “I think we’re farther than we’re allowed to go.” Jack said as bit of concern crept into his voice.

Mark looked at his brother, he was two years older than Jack. Having just turned twelve he knew his way around the woods that surrounded the property the O’Neill household was situated on. They had strict rules to not go farther than the red markers on the trees. Past the plastic ribbons that were sporadically tied around trunks marked the edge of their land was their neighbor’s property.

“No, we haven’t. We’re right were we’re supposta be.” Mark said waving off Jack’s concern as he raised up to a crouched position. “Come on, let’s go before they get us.” Mark didn’t give Jack a chance to react, he headed deeper into the woods. Biting his lip, Jack watched his brother move away from him. He was certain they had passed the red ribbons and were well into Mister Wirtz’s property. They headed east from the house when they left to play their game of hide and seek. If they had gone west they would be on Mister O’Malley’s property. He didn’t care if they played over there, in fact they had an open invitation if they didn’t rough house. Mister Wirtz, however, hated having kids on his land.

With a deep exhale that immediately turned to frozen vapor in front of him, Jack pushed off the fallen three and headed after Marcus. He wasn’t going to head back towards the house and risk being found by their sisters.

An hour passed, Ruth, Delilah and Naomi never made an appearance. The sun started setting and the temperature started dropping. “Mark.” Jack spoke up after they had been silent. His butt was numb from sitting on the ground for so long and he was shivering. “I think we should just go home. They aren’t going to find us.” Jack sounded like a broken record, he had suggested giving up many times in the last thirty minutes or so. His stomach growled, he was certain their mother would have dinner served by the time they got back. Mark stayed quiet, watching the trees. “Mark…”

“Okay, okay!” Mark said as he tossed his hands in the air. “Fine, we can head back.” He finally conceded to Jack’s whining. He stood from the ground and stretched out his legs, they had gone numb and were tingling from sitting for so long. Jack did the same and took off towards home. They had gone mostly in a straight line.

The sun completely set and they were still in the woods. Jack was in the lead and Mark sounded scared behind him. “Jackie… I think we’ve gotten turned around.” He said with a slight shake to his voice. Mark caught up with Jack, trailing directly behind him.

“No, it’s just a little farther.” They had gone deep into the woods and had a rather steep hill to climb back up. They slipped and slid all over the snow and ice, getting covered in mud before they crested the top. Jack huffed as they made it, his lungs burning with cold.

“Are you sure?” Mark asked. A moment later, he got his answer.

“Marcus! Jonathan!” The loud voice of their mother carried through the trees, her tone angry. Jack and Mark looked at each other before taking off at full speed to get back home.

November 27, 1969

The entire O’Neill family gathered for Thanksgiving in Minnesota that year. Aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, close family friends, the family priest. Everyone was packed into Edward and Margret’s home for a huge feast. Edward stood at the head of the table, smiling as he held a glass of wine in his hand.

“I have so much to give thanks for this year.” He started, looking over everyone at the table and the others sitting at card tables in the other room. “Margret and I celebrated twenty-five years of marriage together this year.” The statement was met with whoops and some applause. “My youngest son, Caleb turned twelve and had some of the highest aptitude tests of any seventh grader going through this school system. My precious twins, Delilah and Naomi, they became teenagers this year. Thirteen years old. Ruth, entered high school and has excelled at all her academics. Jack, got his driver’s license with a perfect score and brought the high school hockey team home a state championship trophy.” Edward looked at his second child. “Just a shame you had that injury at the last second.”

The hockey match had gone into overtime. Jack was skating down center ice with the puck and a lot of momentum, determined to make the final score to secure the win for his team. He slapped the puck hard at the same time two of the kids from the other team collided with him. Jack scored, putting them at a win of three to two. But in the fall, Jack landed on his arm. The radius and ulna fractured and he was put in a cast for the next eight weeks.

Everyone at the table congratulated him but extended condolences for his injury. Edward smiled and then turned his attention to Marcus. “But my oldest, Marcus, has officially enlisted with the United States Naval Academy and will be attending starting in the fall.” Edward beamed at his son.

The O’Neill’s had served with the Navy since World War One. Edward and Margret were both enlisted during the second world war. It was there they met when he was a Petty Officer and she was Yeoman. Despite regulations of the military prohibiting any fraternization that showed favoritism, they fell in love anyway. As soon as the war ended they both retired and immediately got married. Moving to Edward’s home state of Minnesota to start a family.

“I am honored that Marcus will continue this long tradition and look forward to seeing the rest of my children follow him, his parents and many other family members before him, and serve their country with honor.” Everyone raised their glass. “To family, to friends, to the lord and savior and to the United States Navy. Hooyah!” The rest of the family echoed the Naval word for building morale, except Jack. He glanced around before quickly drinking his water.

June 8, 1971

“What do you mean you don’t want to join the Navy?” Edward asked after several moments of stunned silence.

“I mean I don’t wanna join the Navy!” Jack repeated himself, unsure where the confusion was coming from.

Edward looked to Margret, trying to form a sentence. She just offered him a shrug, unsure what to say either. “How could you not want to join the Navy? Every O’Neill has been in the Navy since,”

“Since your grandfather enlisted to serve in World War One.” Jack finished the sentence for his father. He had just graduated high school the previous day and was ready to get out of the house.

“Don’t use that tone with me.” Edward said as he pointed a finger in his son’s direction. “Tell me why you don’t want to enlist. You afraid or something? You wanna go play hockey? Well, if that was the case Jack you shouldn’t have tried playing on Thanksgiving two years ago! Breaking your other arm and spending three months in the hospital because of it ruined those chances!” His voice was raising.

Jack clenched his jaw. “I’m not scared and I never said I wasn’t going to enlist. I just don’t want to go into the Navy.” He said and gave his father a pointed look.

“Then what? The Coast Guard?”

“I wanna to join the Air Force.” Jack stated simply.

“The Air Force!?” Edward exclaimed, his hands shoot above him. “Lord help me,” He said as he crossed himself. “What’s so great about the Air Force.”

Jack had prepared his argument a dozen times over but couldn’t seem to remember any of it at that moment. “I want to be a pilot.”

“The Navy flies’ way more jets than the Air Force, son.” Edward said, ready to counter any point Jack offered.

Jack wasn’t sure how to word what he wanted to say. He never saw the allure of the Navy. The idea of being stuck on a ship in the ocean seemed boring and he’d never want to serve on a submarine. He wasn’t claustrophobic, but the idea of being under all the water made him uneasy. If he didn’t go with one of those two options, he’d likely be in a noncombative role. Something Jack was entirely uninterested in.

“I like the Air Force better.” He finally offered, his statement causing his father to give him an incredulous look.

“How? You’ve grown up with nothing but the Navy! Your mother and I met because of that branch. And you to join the Air Force. Put a blemish on the O’Neill record.”

Jack felt his jaw muscles tighten again. “I don’t see how me deciding to serve with the Air Force instead of the Navy is a blemish. We have a voluntary military, anyone who decides to enlist should be met with praise not criticism.”

“You are not anyone, Jonathan. You are my son, and I want you in the Navy.”

Jack pursed his lips at the use of his proper name. “Well, I’m sorry, Dad. I already talked to a recruiter and I’ve been accepted into the Air Force Academy. I start in the fall.” He wasn’t in the mood to argue anymore. He knew his father would be upset, but hadn’t expected him to be so rude about it. “And there’s nothing you can do to change my mind.”

Edward stared at his son for several long, scrutinizing seconds. “Don’t expect to see me at your graduation.” He said before turning to exit the kitchen, leaving Jack and Margret standing in awkward silence.

Jack looked up to his mother, she seemed sympathetic. “Thanks for helping.” Jack said sarcastically as he left the other direction. His younger siblings scattering, trying to not get caught for listening in on the argument.

Colorado Springs, Colorado – April 20, 1974

“Now, if I could address the members of the graduating class. For each of you, and your parents, and your countrymen, this is a moment of quiet pride. After years of study and training, you have earned the right to be saluted.” President Nixon said as he finished the long introduction to his commencement speech for the 1974 graduating class.

Jack shifted in his seat, he graduated at the top of his class. Recognized with Academic Excellence achieved in Military Studies and Engineering. He was entering the Air Force as a Second Lieutenant, the lowest ranking commissioned officer. But it was a grand achievement and as the President said, it earned them a moment of pride. Jack had looked around when he first entered the stadium, the seats were packed and he had no idea where his family was sitting. There wasn’t time to find them. He’d have to wait until the commencement exercises were over.

The new Air Force officers sat through speeches, songs, more speeches, presentations and the graduation ceremony ended with the always audience wowing performance of the Thunderbirds. Jack felt a sense of vigor at the sight of the F-16C Fighting Falcons zip past in tight formation. Moments later the sonic boom reverberated loudly seconds later, immediately followed by cheering of the graduates and guests. Jack grinned, celebrating with his fellow officers at their incredible accomplishment over the last four years. It had been difficult, challenging, rewarding and a true test of Jack’s testament to serve his country. He knew that he’d be better for it, that this was the right path he needed to be on. He knew he had made the right choice.

As the Air Force Band started playing, everyone filled out of the stadium. Families searched for their new graduates, and the officers found their loved ones. Jack took a breath in as he scanned the lobby. The joyous feeling that everyone was emanating started slipping away. The smile he held faded slowly as he had yet to see anyone he recognized. One of his classmates came up behind him, slapping him hard on the back.

“We did it, O’Neill!” Second Lieutenant Jeffery Carmichael said as he pulled Jack in for an unwilling hug.

“We sure did.” Jack said trying to match his enthusiasm.

“Where did you finally end up getting stationed?”

“I’m staying domestic for now. Headed to Hurlburt.”

Carmichael raised his eyebrows and nodded. “Well, that should be interesting. Going to be doing some interesting stuff.” He said, Hurlburt being know for the headquarters of Special Operations Command.

“Jeff! Come on! We’re going to get some dinner!” One of Carmichael’s family members called after him. Jeff turned and waved them down, acknowledging he heard them.

“Gotta go. Good luck, O’Neill.”

“Yeah, you to Carmichael.” Jack said as he watched his classmate jog towards his family. A man who was probably his father slinging his arm around his son’s shoulders as they all walked out together. Jack sighed as he watched them.

He turned to go. “What, you think no one would be here?” Mark asked, Jack nearly running into his brother.

Jack looked up, almost stunned to see his older brother. He wasn’t sure what to say. Mark was dressed in his Naval dress blues, his hat tucked under his arm. Last Jack had known Mark had been in the middle of a deployment. “When did you get stateside?”

“Late last night, early this morning. Whichever you wanna call it.”

“And you came to Colorado? What about going home?” Jack questioned his brother.

“Turns out I had a layover in Denver. Just took an hour to get here.”

Jack could easily tell that his brother was lying. Since he left Minnesota to join the academy he barely had any contact with his family. Jack called on Christmas to talk to his mother. His younger siblings always said hello, but their opinions laid heavily with their father’s. Ruth was almost done with her four years in the Naval Academy and Jack just found out that Delilah and Naomi both were accepted. As far as he knew, Caleb had every intention of joining as well. The last he heard, Cal expressed interest in becoming a Navy SEAL.

“It’s good to see you.” Jack said truthfully.

Mark smiled. “Aw, come here, Jackie.” Mark said as he pulled his brother in for a hug. Jack returned the gesture, surprisingly overwhelmed at the embrace of a family member.

“And stop calling me Jackie.” Jack said as he pulled away from Mark, punching him in the shoulder for good measure.

“Never going to happen.”

Jack couldn’t help but smirk but it disappeared quickly. “Talked to Dad at all?” Jack asked finally.

Mark knew the question would come out eventually. He nodded. “Yeah, I called them when I got in.”

“They know you’re here?” Jack asked, his brother nodded again. “And?”

There was a few beats of silence between them. “Mom sends her congrats and she’s proud as always.” Mark said and then trailed a bit.

“And Dad?” Jack asked, trying to not be hopeful but he couldn’t help it.

Mark shrugged. “He was busy. Doing something outside with Caleb, I guess.” He could see the flash of disappointment on Jack’s face.

“Yeah, yeah.” Jack nodded quickly and forced a smile. “Cal’s always dragging him all over the place. I’m sure it was…”

“Jack,” Mark cut his brother off. “I’m sure he’s proud of you. You’re his son, he is.”

Despite Mark’s words sounding confident, Jack had a hard time believing them. If he was proud then why did he never answer the phone? If he was proud why didn’t he return any of his letters? If he was proud then where was he? The original argument Jack had with his father four years ago turned into bitter resentment as time when on.

“Sure. I’m sure he is.”

August 28, 1991

Things never really got better between Jack and his father. They did eventually see each other when Jack came home for the holidays when he could. Edward never asked about the Air Force or how his military career was going. The subject became easier to avoid when Jack got married and then when he and his wife had their first and only child. It was easy to ask how Sara and Charlie were and the conversation was a valid one. The Air Force never needed mentioned. There was still a silent animosity between them, a tension that was palpable every time they were in the room together.

Jack wanted Edward to acknowledge that he made the right choice, joining the Air Force was a valiant choice. Margret did her best to get Edward to open up, but so many years of silence had gone by. It was impossible to admit that he was in the wrong when he was so faithful to the Navy.

And then Jack was sent to Kuwait, involved with Desert Storm. It was supposed to be a quick deployment but things we wrong. And that’s what things changed. Jack went missing for four months. Four excruciatingly long months with no idea if he was alive or dead. Sara was in a constant mess, Charlie wanted to know where his father was. Margret held a permanent worry in her chest. Navy, Air Force, Marines or Army the anxiety military families experienced was universal. The chances of a prisoner of war returning home alive was slim. And Jack had already been gone for a third of the year.

The O’Neill family then received the best news they could have ever asked for; Jack had been found, alive. It took a few weeks for him to get home from Iraq. He had been treated for many injuries and needed to reach a stable condition before making that long trek to the United States. As soon as the plane touched the tarmac his entire family was waiting, ready to welcome home their once thought lost son and brother.

Still requiring medical care, Jack was transferred to an Air Force infirmary for further treatment. Sara stayed at his side day and night as the rest of his family came to visit. Jack’s siblings taking turns watching Charlie overnight.

Jack was three weeks into his hospital stay, his physical condition greatly improved from when he was first rescued almost two months ago. He was sitting up in bed, resting comfortably as he watched out the window. There was a knock at the door, Jack’s attention swept across the room to watch as his father walked in, closing the door behind him.

Edward silently stood next to his son’s bed, looking him over. The bruises were fading, the wounds healing. Jack would be discharged in the next two weeks if he was lucky. And then, he witnessed something he’d never seen his entire life. His father began to cry. A rush of emotion that turned into a weeping mess as he took in deep, shuttering breaths. He shook his head, wiping his eyes.

“I prayed every day, every night. I prayed as soon as I woke up and kept praying until I fell asleep.” His father with tears still flowing down his cheeks. Edward grabbed a tissue from the bedside table and wiped his face and blew his nose. “I begged, pleaded with God to bring you home. I thought he was ignoring me, punishing me. Trying to teach me a lesson. ‘You push away your son, then you don’t get to have him anymore’.” Edward said, reciting what he imagined God was trying to teach him.

Jack blinked some tears of his own back. His family was Roman Catholic and Jack had spent many Sundays at mass. He stopped attending once he joined the Academy. As his relationship with his father faded so did his faith.

“I’m so sorry, Jack.” Edward said, his facial features crumbling as the thought of years gone by without speaking crashed down on him. “I regret pushing you away, not going to your graduation, promotion ceremonies. I was… wrong. I thought so much that you wronged me, our family with your choice.” He reached forward, carefully cupping his hand to Jack’s cheek. “But I wronged you. You’ve done nothing but prove that an O’Neill is a fierce force to be reckoned with and I couldn’t be prouder of you.”

Jack closed his eyes and felt himself relax. He’d looked up to his father for as long as he could remember. When he was younger he followed him around, wanting to do everything with him. Jack had valued his father’s opinion more than that of Father O’Malley’s or some of his closest friends. The rejection he experienced all those years ago never stopped hurting, never stopped haunting him. He was surprised at how hearing his father say he was proud of him was still incredibly important.

Jack had strived to be as great of a father to his own son as Edward had been to him. He learned a lot, to be more accepting of what Charlie wanted and not to be judgmental of his choices. Even if he was only three years old. But his father taught him yet another lesson in fatherhood. To remind Charlie every chance he got that he was proud, because it was the vindication of a father’s love that could be a driving force in their son’s life. Edward apologizing and confessing as such proved that reassurance could be an uplifting motivation no matter the age.

#★★ sample #★ headcanons #★★★ jack headcanons #// when I wrote this i forgot that Sam's brother's name is Mark #so they both have a brother named mark #also - all based on the fact that #i do not believe that Jack O'Neill #born in 1952 #to an Irish #roman catholic family #wouldn't have a lot of siblings #so #yanno here we are

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