luckbealilah-blog

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“I had the idea to do this when I was high. And I’m sober enough now to know it’s a shitty idea, but... too late. This is happening.”

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“Before I came to McKinley, I tried to do something really big with my life that felt like it was meant to be, and I failed so spectacularly that I’m having to reboot. I guess lately I’ve been doubting my own optimism? And I just want people to be proud of me, but I’m not very proud of myself.”

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Text || Jude

Jude: Rachel

Lilah: Oh! I've been talking to her a lot lately.

Lilah: Just about life and love and general stuff.

Lilah: Also her giving me voice lessons. She's amazing.

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Text || Jude

Jude: Well that'd probably be because I've only had feelings for one other girl before back in high school. Every other person has been a guy. So I lean heavily towards guys.

Lilah: Exciting! I'm curious beyond words, but I won't be too nosy. Unless you want to say who the lucky lady is.

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Text || Jude

Jude: I can honestly say I never did something stupid when I was 16. I was captain of the baseball team so I had to keep up with my grades and not get in trouble or anything.

Jude: Thanks. I'm actually starting to fall for someone and she's been helping me a lot lately.

Lilah: Ah... that's do it, make you be super responsible. I was very responsible in high school too. And my claim to fame was being head of Mathletes, so... that's not especially exciting, but there it is.

Lilah: Ooh, falling for someone? And a girl too. I don't know why I thought you were gay.

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Texts || Ralah

Rachel: Sucess and winning is more important to them, than willing.

Rachel: I’m lucky. I’m so lucky because I wanted to be a performer and not everyone who is forced into something by their parents gets forced into something they enjoy.

Rachel: But it’s all I have room to enjoy because performing isn’t a fun tho g for me or a hobby. It’s everything I have connecting me to my dads and I just want them to love me and want me.

Rachel: They were right. I wasn’t modest enough

Lilah: This sounds really stressful, R.

Lilah: Because I'd hope that you could feel connected to your dads just through love and affection, and not because they need you to win so badly.

Lilah: It probably doesn't help, but I think a lot of us see you as talented and as a total winner, but it's not why we like you. We like you because of who you are. And we just want you to be able to have fun on your own terms.

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Texts || Lalec

Alec: I would definitely be down for some with weed brownies, if you're into that kind of stuff.

Alec: You can come with me when I develop the pics from this. It's pretty cool unless some asshole turns on the light ruining all the pics.

Lilah: Did you snag any at Blaine's party a few weeks ago? I made those. I'm definitely into that kind of stuff.

Lilah: Well, I won't do anything unless you tell me too, because I'm not about to make an asshole of myself.

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Texts || Ralah

Rachel: Is it though?

Rachel: Is it really?

Rachel: I’m not sure my dads would say so. They aren’t even in the same state majority of the time and they are married. Their work is just too important and mine is meant to be too

Rachel: But when I was with Logan like that I felt powerful I felt absolutely everything and nothing has made me feel that way before

Lilah: That sounds really sad. Not that there's anything wrong with them living how they live, but I'd want to be with the person I love if I could.

Lilah: Your work can be important without you giving up on love or relationships though, can't it? Not comparing yourself to anyone else, but just for yourself... You like people, and you want to have good relationships with them, right? So why can't you do that?

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Texts || Lalec

Alec: Awesome...what snacks?

Alec: No, that's not weird, I feel the same way. My favorite place is actually the dark room. I hate developing pics by just plugging my camera into my computer and uploading them there. It never turns out exactly how I like them.

Lilah: I'm going to bake something for sure.

Lilah: Weed-free. Unless you're into that sort of thing.

Lilah: And there will be a savory of some kind.

Lilah: I've never actually been in a proper darkroom. I have a friend who helps me with my Super 8 stuff. I'd love to see it sometime. If you don't mind the company.

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Texts || Ralah

Rachel: You’re smart and quick Lilah. You’re going to figure it out and you’re goung to be happy and succeed.

Rachel: I have nothing else to do. I’m a performer. I was born a performer. I need to perform. For them.

Lilah: I know very few things for sure, but one thing I'm completely positive about is that I'm going to go to New York one day to see Rachel Berry absolutely kill in her opening night of a show she'll end up winning the Tony for. I know that to be true. And you're going to do it for yourself, because I know you want it.

Lilah: All I'm saying is that it's okay to let yourself have relationships outside of that. Have sex if you want to. Not all the time, not to the point that you lose all ability to focus on other things, but the relationships matter too.

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Texts || Lalec

Alec: Nope, I can eat and will eat anything.

Alec: The old school camera's are just in general better. They're my preferred camera.

Lilah: Perfect. Snacks are set for us then.

Lilah: I love older cameras. The look, the feel of them... Is it weird that one of the things I like is how heavy they are in my hands? I like that they feel substantial, like they aren't going to break if I hold them too tightly.

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Texts || Ralah

Rachel: Do you miss it?

Rachel: What you used to do?

Lilah: I do, and I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do now. If I should go back to the degree I was working on or try something completely new.

Lilah: But what's worse is that I have nothing to show for it. I failed and I didn't really have anything else but that one thing I was working toward, so I had nothing coming out of it.

Lilah: You're not going to fail, but you shouldn't have the one thing you want be the only thing you work toward.

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Texts || Lalec

Alec: Awesome, so I don't need to worry about gas.

Alec: Wednesday sounds perfect. Nobody would go on a Wednesday. Yup, I can work on developing the pics over the weekend. I figure my favorite camera will take the best pics.

Lilah: Not at all. I've got you covered. :D

Lilah: Oh, I should know if you have allergies. For the snacks. Don't want to get you up there and have to race you back down because of a stray walnut.

Lilah: Sounds perfect. I'm going to be using my Super 8. I'm not much of a photographer, but I like my old school video camera.

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Texts || Ralah

Rachel: From my goals, my studies, my dreams. It’s a distraction from success.

Rachel: It’s no wonder my solo didn’t win. I was so focused on what he was thinking of me up there.

Rachel: If I’m not a winner I’m a nobody

Lilah: That's a feeling I know.

Lilah: Part of the reason I'm here is to work on redefining success for myself.

Lilah: Because I pursued something and I let it take me over, and now it's gone. I didn't leave room for anything else in my life, and that's what destroyed me. Not that I was getting distracted, but that I wasn't letting myself get distracted enough.

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Texts || Ralah

Rachel: Sex is a distraction

Lilah: From?

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Texts || Lalec

Alec: Sounds great.

Alec: I'm available all week. I have nothing going on.

Lilah: Perfect! I've got a car and I know where we're going. I'm going to pack some snacks, so just bring your camera and yourself, and we'll do this thing.

Lilah: How does Wednesday night sound? Probably good to avoid the other people doing the same thing. And gives us our weekend free?

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Texts || Ralah

Rachel: Sure

Rachel: But they’re my dads and they want what’s best for me and I’ve listened to them my whole life.

Rachel: They could be right, you know

Lilah: They've been giving you advice your whole life to prepare you for the moment when you spread your wings and fly away... Do your own thing. Part of that is trying things that scare you, maybe making mistakes.

Lilah: Sure, they might be right. But the point is that eventually, you're meant to be an adult who does things she wants to do, sink or swim. That's all I'm saying.