luminaryessences

[luminaryessences]

12. July 2025

Exceptionally good day !!!!

Im currently sitting outside on my matress on my terrasse. Laughed just now, my neighbour whos a car nerd, always in his garage, has this typical "nerd" voice and personality. Is watering their plants, asked his mom "i mean is the flower getting any bigger than this" LOL hes so cute watering the plants, talking about the flowers like theyre humans. Actually making me smile

I mean how much of an effect does the sun have on us?? Surely everyone has had that thought before right. Theres no "god" in the way that people think, Im spending my summer alone again this year, family in Lithuania, me here. And Ive thought about the sun a good bit, doesnt it make sense that the sun is our "god", nothing to be worshipped or be prayed for. But its the life giver, a great amount of the living beings on earth are very drawn to the sun, and seek it when its there. Mind blown 1!!

Anyways today I woke up to the scorching heatness of the sun on my feet, 30 degrees. Norway by the way, took the bus to the store to buy some stuff, including a cute skirt. Very fun seeing all the people in my town dressed lightly, the men in nothing but shorts and women in their cutest, flowiest skirts and dresses. Its so cute seeing a unity like this, people on the bus complaining of the heat. All the sail boats crossing my window view, and the sounds of all the families taking their boats out for the summer day. Maybe I am socially deprived of sharing my thoughts on stuff like this, me rather saying this to a friend or something. But its major to me, and Im expressing now, that it makes me incredibly happy. Like I have to squirm and jump a little physically.

But like right now, Its almost 10pm

Sun is still out a great amount

The grass and tree leaves moving ever so slightly from the breeze

A plane flying over me in the light light blue sky, free of clouds

Seagulls talking in the distance

The bees and various insects buzzing around me, though not bothering me

The mountains in the distance experiencing the glistening sun which has already gone behind my hill, leaving me in a warm shade

A lingering smell of my freshly washed laundry, hanging out to dry

GOOOOD ITS LOVELY, it really just shows you how meaningless all your bickering and complaining is. Is any of it really that important? Not in the slightest, at least for now when the summer is still with us

Looks like tomorrow is going to be alike today, excited :)

[luminaryessences]

29. June, 2025

I escape him through the window of my current house. I run into bushes and feel safe, then I circle through some thoughts about him, it's already fuzzy I don't quite remember. It then cuts to me frantically escaping, running away and jumping over my grandparents backyard fence, im awfully slow at jumping it, achingly slow. I run past a man, it becomes ultra slow motion as I pass the man. I realise it's him. I run run run and inform people to call the police, I shout that to at least 3 groups of people, they all scoff and respond to me negatively. It's such an inexplainably uncomfortable dream, it keeps repeating the 'escaping' part. And him always being faster, stronger and more powerful than me. He's always at my tail, and im naked for some reason. I look at it as something that adds to the severity of my vulnerability.

This is 4th-5th time I've had this dream. I had another bad one a few weeks ago.

I only remember snippets in a weird sequence sorry, i hope it makes sense.

Me and my sister. My dad is murdering my neighbours, he's attacking. We search for my mom in fear, we think we see her. We approach her only to find she's dead, and she's been 'zombified' extremely gory. Extremely. She's been murdered by him too. He's around the corners, all of them. We're getting chased by him. One of the scenes depict us panicking opening our second floor window as he's right at the door of my old room, messing up every attempt at opening the window. He's right behind us, we escape and then black. Then there's another scene where we run over a grass plain. (???) He's chasing us with a knife, but it's never a running, scary, fast chasing. He's always calm, walking. Whilst im running for my life, panicking. Yet he's always right at my ankles.

I genuinely can't explain what type of fear these dreams cause me. It's so scary. The chasing is primal, it's unlike anything I could experience in real life, it's constant, he's inescapable. No 'solution' ever works, im just stuck with this beast who is superior.

Then kind of different topic, I have these dreams of escaping him at least once a month. But I do have some type of dream everyday almost, and it has to do with stairs and big places like malls, schools etc. I dream of escaping something, its a im actually unsure what it is. Im not sure what I feel towards it. It's just a shadow, sometimes it's my dad. But the plot of the dream is, im escaping the shadow except im running through an infinite amount of stairs, up, down, crawling through small holes of stairs. There's a lot of escalators and stairs in this big 'mall'. I experience the same fear, not to the extent, but the same feeling of me being prey. Im escaping the inescapable

Unsure why I dream this, I don't even feel like im scared of my dad anymore. I don't even get massively scared or sad or upset by thinking at what happened anymore. So it's weird that I have these dreams, and im not trying to victimise myself. What happened, happened. Worse stuff has happened to other kids, mine wasn't even that bad. The only thing I'll forever regret and feel ashamed of is that I broke up my family

I'll try to go back to sleep now, 4 am

[luminaryessences]

I haven't written in a while, have been pretty alright to be honest. Well for the period I wasn't, im just past that now and im alright. I was kinda stuck for like a month, talked to this norwegian guy. Hes like super super into bp and stuff, big tt account regarding it etc etc. we ended up talking pretty much 247, hes very similar to me in way of editing face, larping, no friends AT ALL and ud guess that i was open with him. Which i was, it's calming in that sense, but just his inceldom was too much for me. Analysing my face to the t, listing ideal surgeries, comparing and more. He even analysed my voice, I'll put in screenshots. Though i always say I appreciate honesty, it gets to a point. I don't want my whole life revolves around negativity and knowing it's over for me.

So that + school + being unemployed kinda had a big toll on me last month. I had my oral math exam, went exceptionally well, 3.

Im happy it's all good, my only worries are what I'll do after school. Now theres a year left and like genuinely, that year will go by as fast as this one did. Which was in the blink of an eye.. in a perfect world id wanna go to New Zealand, but like i dont have any friends. I don't have a bf or anything, like how can i just leave so far alone. Idk ill figure it out later

Here's ss

[luminaryessences]

24. April 2025

I have my math test tmr. I havent studied, nor am i motivated to. Went to dentist today, said i had near perfect teeth and healthy gums. One hole with some starting ones though.

Tanned today too, weathers so nice.

My forehead and nose are peeling

I think ill end up dead or as a hippie when im done with school. I dont know where lifes carrying me, but ive never stressed to be fair. I dont procastinate, i just genuienly couldnt care less. It almost always fixes itself, no matter the problem.

In my mind, theres just this life destined for me, its not the most convinient one though ill say that.

[luminaryessences]

19. April 2025

Such a nice day out today, spent the day cleaning my room and outside in the sun. Love the sun on me, makes me feel unlike anything in this world can.

I believe the sun must have some powers we do not know of, i mean cmon? Almost every species on this earth benefits, seeks, and enjoys her presence. Again, have a new guy i talk to which is nice. We talk 247, play games sometimes too. Someone to fill this space, guh im tired. Although i enjoy having people around me compliment (me) and my actual self, which is my personality, its getting tiring. I want to set myself free, want to be open, and show my true self.

I did actually, last week i talked to this scitzo guy. We actually shared some good thoughts for the night, i learnt stuff too. Then next day came around, he kinda got more frisky and i told him "im fat". I sent him a video i took on the spot of my face in all angles including bad ones just to see what hed say after we actually talked in a good manner yesterday.

" Yeah just be skinny theory

U are cute its just that ur cuteness is hidden by adipose tissue"

I was obviously taken by surprise as ive never recieved an actual compliment on my looks. In my life. For the real me

"1 more year of losing weight and u are gonna be sex on legs"

" You know I actually think youre really attractive in spite of ur unfortunate condition I need to make u skinny"

"Yes I know but i can see ur soul x"

Day after he was only sexual. I dont talk to him anymore, though now i kinda know at least someone can see me for who i am. I dont even know.

I have no clue how many other people do what i do on the internet, though i know i cant be the only one. I feel bad for the individuals who do.

I love the birds outside, window wide open, room quiet and chilly, sky still somewhat light, sun down, smell of night, music in the background. God, i want to experience love someday. Im not even asking for romantic love, id gladly accept platonical love. I just want a friend, one is all i need.

Im gonna be straight up, it does hurt seeing my sister go out everyday. How does someone manage to get that many friends? What is everyone doing that i cant grasp. I dont get how im different, i really dont. Ive been asking myself since 7th grade. What genuienly is wrong with me. What is the secret to life?

Im unsure if its meant seriously or not, but, a lot of people tell me i look unapproachable.

PE teacher told me i should smile more and be open otherwise no one will want to approach me. That day i felt confident and happy. In my head i was smiling and was open, guess not. Ruined my mood completely.

Today my sister kept telling me ill never get a bf, genuienly asking me where im going with my life. Asked her if shed be friends with me if we werent sisters, she said i dont even look approachable. If its that noticable oh well.

Ive done everything i can possibly do to be as normal as i can. I try to not be weird, yet all it does is make me even more weird. I cant figure it all out, im so lost

[luminaryessences]

11 April 2025

well i solved my biggest problem. hes gone, great

[luminaryessences]

24. March 2025

My face doesn't look like my face. I'm so deluded. It feels like I'm the most horrendous person on earth. My face is deformed. Its disgusting. I can't take a photo without editing it straight away. Who's even the real me?

I obviously know the true me, is the raw photo.

But it doesn't feel like it.

I only feel okay about myself once I edit my face. I'm so artificial. What the fuck

How did it get here, I feel like a massive cockroach roaming the hallways of the school. Not even makeup can save me

[luminaryessences]

22. March 2025

morning of today, 7am rn. woke up from an amazing night of sleep, went to bed at 8. day before I went to sleep at 4, woke up at 5am. so fucking amazing. i feel great actually, very great.

if only my life didnt have to be based around people id be livid. I'm so much better off alone, not in an edgy lone wolf way, I've just realized I'm at my best when I'm mostly alone. there is a person I can talk to, and I'm healthy.

unfortunately im living a false reality with that person, and once again I will in one way or another have to remove them from my life, even though they're so positive, likeminded, helpful, kind and all of that.

whatever though, thats a situation i put myself in.

im happy, suns beaming me in the face, weathers warm, good sleep, now all I need is to get up

[luminaryessences]

10. March 2025

Oh how i love being reminded every single waking hour of my life that I am subhuman.

Sitting all alone in class, trying to look occupated during break. "Discuss with the one beside you" The girl looked at me with legitimate disgust, looked away and said "I don't know" in an irritated tone, and turned to her oh so lovely friends.

I got moved back with a girl who doesn't hang out with the more popular people, rather she has her own friend group and what not. We actually had a pretty nice conversation, nothing special or deep. We just kind of got to know each other.

That was my first conversation ive had with someone in all 2 years of high school. Though I couldn't stop thinking how stupid and retarded I sounded throughout the whole conversation. I'm sure she only talked with me because she felt bad, but it still felt nice to speak with someone.

[luminaryessences]

05. March 2025

Im in a bad space again. This isn't bad like it usually is, I'm ovulating, this is usually my best week of my cycle, springs here etc. This is gut wrenchingly bad.

I attempted suicide by hanging in May of 2021, I was 14 at the time. Since then I've gotten way better, and I would guess that the people around me have noticed a drastic change in me.

In that period of my life i was depressed, but I cant really remember why. It was pure despair, like I had to force myself through a thick brick wall everyday. I felt massive guilt, shame and confusion. Pretty much every teenager goes through a depressive or weird stage, so I'm not victimizing myself at all. This is just important to say before everything else.

So, now im essentially an adult. Im so genuinely stressed out about everything. My problems are so tiny compared to everyone else's, I'm so weak. I for the first time since then, have genuinely considered taking my own life again. Yea its been a prevalent thought all throughout my teen years, but its the same strong urge again. At that time, I did have a plan, a date, an execution and all of that. Right now Im just contemplating it.

I dont fit in anywhere, im Lithuanian though I've lived all my life in Norway, I don't speak fluent Lithuanian anymore, yet I'm also not fluent in Norwegian culture. I don't have a Norwegian citizenship, yet I'm a nationalist for this country.

Im 18 and i dont have an ID, neither a Bank ID. I cant pay for anything myself, it has to go through my mom.

I try my hardest in school yet i keep disappointing myself every time. Im such a burden to my family, my poor mom pays for my education, an education which is free by the way, I just chose a private school. What a genuine retard.

I catfish online and have cast massive problems upon myself, which I don't know how to tangle myself out of.

I have not a single friend. I talk to absolutely zero people. During gym and school times I analyze people and listen in on their conversations with other people, I try to understand a little about their life so that I can go home and tell my mom about my "friends", the strangers I stalk. How pathetic. No matter what I do I cant make any friends.

Im a fat piece of shit that cant restrict itself. Not a day goes by where I don't admire the natural beauty of girls around me, the way their bones sit nicely under their cheeks and their hips. How I wish I was them.

I am a genuine loser and i don't see myself getting far in life. I don't want to humiliate myself by even trying, itd be so much less embarrassing for my mom to come home to a swollen body hanging in my room than to see her daughter become a failure.

Im filled with so much jealousy for the normal people in the world. Im tired

[luminaryessences]

08. February 2025

Not a single person in my life, again !!

Soon as i find myself getting comfortable in any relation with another person i close myself off from them. I completley shut down and blocked one of the nicest people ive talked to in a very good while. We even had the same exact hobbies and interests.

All i know is, im deathly afraid of commitment, vulnerability, and being close to someone. Weirdly though, thats all i want. I so badly want someone to be vulnerable with and talk about anything, but everytime i get close, i turn it away.

I dont know why its like that, i so wish i did

[luminaryessences]

30. January 2025

Things are kinda heading in a good direction. Still figuring out how to unravel some shitty problems ive created for myself

[luminaryessences]

09. January 2025

I started talking to this guy. hes very good looking, we called a few times and he's funny and easy to talk to. today I mentioned his ex unknowingly and now we don't talk anymore :) lovely. kalle

anyways im addicted to editing, im such a fraud. i cant even look at myself without noticing all my flaws. the amount of surgery I need isn't a bunch, but its there. if I take a picture I feel the need to edit it immediately. my mental health rn is not good. i feel so trapped in my own self, so disgusted tbh. i hate myself, I hate how I look. the whole looksmaxxing thing was a joke before. but now its genuinely taken over my life. i understand I'm a foid a woman etc. but I'm a fraud. such a big one aswell.

sure i fill the void in my life with men online, but they arent obsessing over me. they're obsessing over a false version of me. nothing about me physically is attractive.

doing all this has only dug me deeper in the blackpill. i so so so understand its not intended for women, but I relate to it so bad. I've never had any friends, any bfs etc. my ex never saw me unedited. we never facetimed. the videos he got from me were edited. the pictures of my body weren't even mine. I'm fake. I'm unreal in a bad way.

im as close to being a slug blob as u can get.

i can only interact with men, men who don't even know what the real me is. women don't like me, I'm so braindead and retarded its easier for me to talk with guys than girls.

i want something genuine with women, i want female friends. i want someone to talk to about anything that happens in my life. i cant keep up my facade for long around them. its so hard to mask myself around women, I cant be me. at least I feel like it. women judge you, its very clear too. their eyes and face/body language doesn't lie. I'm so tired of being a complete loser. i will genuinely never find anyone, be it a friend or a romantic relationship.

men don't care if you're weird, because you're pretty. they think being a little weird makes you the weird pretty girl. i can at least be myself when we talk. its like an addiction and I hate myself so much for it.

i genuienly thought i was at a good spot in my life, but I'm so so tired of everything I've done to myself. i just wanna disappear, and I haven't had a thought like that since I was 14. I'm turning 18 this year. it really doesn't get easier does it.

i wish i was one of those pretty girls who have a lot of friends. those girls who can be themselves and still be loved. i haven't cried in such a long time but feels like one of those cry myself to bed nights today.

just kill me already

S

[luminaryessences]

24. December 2024

To whoever finds these, i hope youve realized I have no structure to these. I write to ramble and set my mind free. Its now winter break and I'm pretty happy, I guess. I spend my days at the gym and at home rotting away. No parties no nothing :) just me and my family.

Theme for today is looks.

Im not bad looking, though im not good looking either. On social media I fraud like crazy, no filters or editing just angles and lightning. Ive been talking to this guy, and he's pretty interested in me. Hes like saying lala I wanna see more of you you're so fascinating etc, you're mysterious. But I genuinely despise myself, like yea I have my good angles, but I will never look as effortlessly pretty like those other girls. It seems like every single girl on social media is just pretty without trying, they woke up ethereal, everyone wants to look like them.

I unfortunatley do not posess that kind of beauty. My beauty is non existent, if anything I only appeal to incels who haven't felt the touch of another woman in decades. Its not like I care about what my future bf looks like, I just want everyone to like me. Like those girls.

I get attention online, when im frauded or barely show myself, but show my personality. But in real life I've never been approached, no guy irl has ever talked to me. My most serious relationship was online, what a loser lol

I just wanna be loved for me, I know people like me. But in the real world to be liked, your looks should also be. Looks are everything, looks matter more than anything else. Looks matter wether you're a female or a man

S

[luminaryessences]

17. December 2024

Ive got no clue how to do fancy text on PC, so this will do. These past two weeks have been so shitty. Didnt have the energy to do anything, including writing here. My school work had been slacking, but at least its all done. Only a week left, well three days until Christmas break.

It was so shitty i indeed didnt even go to the gym consistently. I think it might be the fact that its that bad time of my cycle, women know. That week or two before your period. Ive realized that there's truly only one good week in my month. That week I feel unstoppable, the rest makes me feel mentally retarded.

As christmas is approaching, i feel worse and worse about myself. What a waste of space to be honest. I bought each of my family members a single gift, as it was all I could afford. Currently under the tree there are like fifteen gifts, and 10 of them are to me. Why? Makes me feel like a pretty shitty daughter and sister. At my age I don't have a job yet, I've never had a job. Throughout this past year I've applied to id say thirty different workplaces, some multiple times, yet I keep getting rejected. Its not even me getting rejected, its me not even getting a response.

Are these grocery stores and fast food places really that full of employees? Or am I just that undesirable. It must be that kids my age have connections right? They know someone who knows someone etc. I know zero people. Obviously that might be my own fault but how do they do it? I feel like the biggest outcast you can be. All my efforts to be normal and fit in haven't worked, and now I'm turning eighteen. Im a literal incel. I haven't gotten a job, I have no friends, I don't have a license, I lurk in extremist forums, I'm undesirable and I'm ugly. Lovely !

All my problems are obviously so not important, but I just have no clue on how to change. Ive tried to change, I've tried to talk to people but I don't budge. I cant be someone I'm not, it just doesn't click. I want life to click for me so bad like it has for everyone else. I don't know what other people have that I don't. Im so socially behind I might as well just rope.

The older I get the worse it gets. Im not mentally ill, I'm not sad or depressed or anything. Im a very happy person and I love life, I'm just confused on why my life is so different to everyone else's.

Im going to the gym now

S

[luminaryessences]

Monday, 2nd December 2024

I would classify today as a good day. Woke up later than usual because class started an hour later. Was still pretty tired though. Didnt do anthing at school, we have a new group project and i got put in a retarded ass group. Genuienly the kind of people who have no social awarness and probably had their parents drink during pregnancy. I didnt talk to them at all, hope it all falls into place itself once the deadline arrives.

I was looking forward to the gym the entire day. It was an okay session. Went hard but the weight hasnt gone up since last time :(

My day out ended at 6.30pm. By the time i was home i played some fortnite again and now bedtime.

S