lunagrey

[lunagrey]

Every time this pops up, I have to watch it. Never gets old, just better every time. :) Also - I wish I looked half as good dancing as this cat does looking cute playing!

i needed the full songs worth of this not 15 seconds

[lunagrey]

Ant Rescue

More proof that I am a crazy person: I rescued a large black ant. It was in the sink, wet and drowning. So I rescued it - I set a paper towel by it, so it could climb onto it, then dried it off carefully by blowing on it gently and using a bit of paper towel to blot it dry. I took it outside and put it in the bushes. This is not the first invertebrate I've rescued. I've been doing this all my life, as long as I can remember. It is an almost pathological need to save what needs saving.

[lunagrey]

Family drama

You might think your family is totally messed up... you might think your relatives are crazy... you might think you're the only one who has every gone through this terrible thing... And then a doctor or a lawyer or a therapist or a social worker or a pastor tells you they've seen this all before... they have seen A, B, and C do X, Y, and Z... they have seen this drama play out dozens of times, so many times they can tell you all the variations... And you realize that we're all the same. Underneath the clothes, the attitude, the skin, the walls we put up... we are all the same types of people doing the same types of things over and over and over. There is a certain comfort in that.

[lunagrey]

Too cute! I'd totally play this version... makes me want to pick up my DS and visit Animal Crossing. :)

animal crossing x fallout 4 companions crossover - sorry for leaving out dogmeat and not drawing any cats (saving them for atom cats!)

[ print shop here: tinrobo.storenvy.com ]

[lunagrey]

I go out and have fun :)

I don't date. I don't really go out. I occasionally have lunch dates with coworkers I like, but my nights and weekends are spent at home (or traveling - more on that later) reading, writing, crafting, or gaming (let me just say that the Xbox One was a great investment). But every once in a while, even curmudgeons need more than books and virtual worlds. I wasn't always this way. I used to live in California. With a boyfriend. Who loved to Go Out, Do Things, and Be Seen. Every weekend was an adventure, a party. So many friends, so many dinner parties, so many trips, so many outings. It was EXHAUSTING. I did enjoy it, mostly. I'm an introvert with shades of extrovert, meaning I can be the center of attention, I can whip out Persona and entertain you for hours. But there's a cost. Eventually, I will need to unplug and scurry away and hide and recharge. The boyfriend never understood this, being a full-on extrovert. He never got drained, the attention fed his energy and his ego. And I think it kind of upset him that I could not be the same, that I needed the downtime, even from him, because he would drain me, too. Energy vampires - they are real, people! So when I moved here (Have I ever said where "here" is?) I kind of... well, I guess I went off the grid in a way. (I did try dating, after a while, but that was incredibly disappointing on so many levels...) Oh gosh, I've gone off on a tangent and I don't even remember what the point was. I do this a lot. With emails or essays - I'll have a point but then I'll stick in a bit of backstory that leads to this funny story which leads to another anecdote and then I'm like, where am I? What was I saying? I don't do this with poetry or stories - I guess because of their structure, you kind of need to stay on point. But the unstructured nature of emails and I've gone off again. Going out! That's right. I went out on Friday. It was fun. I've had a rough time lately, lots of stuff going on at work, plus right now there's a metric ton of family drama (extended family - my parents are normal but there's a lot of crazy in the family, I know I got some of it but damn, the crazypants relatives have got me beat!) And my poor parents are kind of caught in the middle and now so am I. (Not to get too specific, but think "death in family, the deceased is kind of wealthy, he died without a will, the vultures are circling and they want their cut now" sort of thing. It's horrible and disgusting and it's killing my Dad cos that's his little brother and some people are fighting like hyenas over what he left behind... and forgotten that hey, a PERSON HAS JUST DIED.) Sorry. As you can see, I'm upset over this, too. Back to going out... So there's this guy. He's a friend. We used to work together. We've kept in touch. We've gone out a few times. I'm so insanely attracted to him it's stupid. He's attracted to me, too. There's no... relationship. It's just... I don't know what it is. But it's fun. ;) He knows I've been having a rough time. And he knows about the health issues, my past life, he knows quite a bit about me (real me) actually. And I've learned quite a bit about him over time. We get along well. We are compatible. We are alike in many ways. (Except the outdoors stuff... he's all outdoorsy/camping/fishing/etc and my version of roughing it is staying in a hotel that doesn't offer room service...) We text back and forth every day and every once in a while we meet up and hang out. We went out on Friday. Dinner, drinks, talking so long the server got tired of coming around to ask if we needed anything else. When we left the restaurant, he asked if I felt like playing pool. I'm not a pool player, but it's all math and physics anyway so I didn't do badly. I managed to make a few shots that looked impressive and sink most of the balls so I was happy. There was a band playing and it was loud but they were good so I didn't mind. He and I were laughing and having a good time and for a few hours I forgot everything else. At one point, he asked if I wanted another drink. "If I have another drink," I began, "I'll probably end up molesting you on the way home..." He just laughed, but when I came back after my turn at the table, I had another drink waiting for me. The place shut down at 2. I'd been having fun, so I'd lost track of time. I don't think either of us was ready to call it a night, so he drove down dark, winding country roads. We saw foxes and armadillos. He pulled off the road into a camp site, then followed a narrow dirt trail to the river. He found an individual camp site (I briefly wondered if he'd camped here before) and parked. "Want to get out and walk around?" He asked. No way. I like the outdoors, I like hiking and exploring, but I'm not a fan of the woods at night. I've been lost in the woods on a mountain at night, and had to find my way down in the dark. (It happened in Alaska. I'll have to tell you about it sometime. It's funny and scary and makes me look stupid but it's a good story and a good warning of "What Not To Do.") He's sitting there, looking at me, and I know he won't make a move without some cue from me. I know he wants to, but he's cautious and he told me once he's afraid of overstepping. That's the trouble with non-relationships. You're never really clear on boundaries and permissions. There have been times when neither of us has wanted to make the first move, out of... I dunno, fear? Like maybe the other doesn't want physical contact? Although we've both told the other on several occasions that permission is granted and to go ahead and touch or kiss or whatever... but still here we are, like teenagers, unsure of the next move... I know it was the bourbon (I love bourbon, I love the burning sweetness, I had my first taste when I was 14 or so and I know most people say they didn't like their first taste of alcohol but I absolutely loved it)... I reached over, grabbed his collar, and pulled him to me. I wasn't thinking about anything but wanting to feel his lips on mine. We laughed about it, making out in his car like teenagers with no place to go. But we really have no place to go - he has a teenaged son at home, I have roommates (my brother and his girlfriend) and either of us going to the other's would just be awkward. He did mention a hotel room once... but hotels are not for fun, semi-innocent makeout sessions... a hotel would mean we were crossing over into adult territory... crossing the threshold of a hotel room means sex, real sex, and all the emotional baggage that goes along with it. Am I ready to have sex with this man? My body says "oh my gosh YES!!!" but my brain says "whoa, hey, let's think about this, ok, everything could change..." I got home around 5am. I'd been up nearly 24 hours (I'd woken up at 5:30 Friday morning) and I'd been nodding off in the car on the way home... He thought it was funny, I'd be talking, my eyes would close, then suddenly I'd open my eyes again and realize I'd fallen asleep. I got home, got into my room, pulled off my clothes, pulled on pajamas, picked up the cat, and crawled into bed. I fell asleep smiling.

[lunagrey]

What hides behind the smile...

What hides behind my smile?

Let’s talk about honesty first… I’m honest with myself. I know exactly who and what I am. I don’t always like what lurks behind my eyes… I have tried very hard to change the things I don’t like. I won’t list my faults… not because of shame or denial, but because I don’t really want to get sidetracked. (And I would, I’d go off on some tangent then forget what the point of this post was…) For the same reason, I won’t list my good parts either.

I’m not always honest with other people. I don’t lie… not really… it’s more… a way to avoid discomfort. Mainly, other people’s discomfort.

I have a chronic illness. I am often ill. And pain is my constant companion. I no longer know what it feels like to *not* have pain. There is just grades of pain. From bearable-I-can-ignore-it-if-I-distract-myself, to ugh-this-sucks-I’m-moving-like-I’m-100, to yeah-this-hurts, to oh-my-gosh-this-really-hurts, to I-don’t-think-I-can-do-this, to I-can’t-do-this, to I’m-dying-can-you-literally-die-from-pain-cos-I-think-I’m-there.

I lie about my illness. I wear my smile like a mask, and if you ask me how I am, I will say, “I’m fine” or “I’m ok.” Even if I’m not. I will smile through my pain. I won’t tell you that I can’t walk with you because my ankles are swollen, I won’t tell you I can’t finish that project because I can’t hold a pen, let alone type.

People ask me why I don’t date. Why I’m single. I usually give some lame reason, like “Oh, I just haven’t found the right person.” The truth is, I’m not looking. The real reason, the one I never say out loud, is because I couldn’t bear to feel like a burden to another person. Because I don’t think another person would want to be stuck with me, till death and all those other vows.

“I’m tired of waiting for you to get better.” (Told to me.)

“I’m tired of you being sick all the time.” (Told to someone I know, who is on dialysis, is legally blind, diabetic.)

For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.

They’re just words, really. Until… you’re the one dealing with worse, poorer, sickness. I have seen many relationships fall apart because of these three words.

What do I hide behind my smile?

Pain. Occasionally, loneliness. Isolation. Anger. Frustration.

I will probably never let you see these things.

I have gotten really good at lying.

Because, really, I’m ok. :)

[lunagrey]

In which the lost girl find her way...

Or at least finds her way back to Tumblr. I used to have a blog. It was "internet popular" among a certain set. It kind of rolled into my real life. And the line between person and persona blurred. Things happened, I stopped writing, I eventually deleted the whole thing. But I missed it. So I tried to dabble here. But it felt forced and flat and trite without Persona to prop me up. I thought about bringing Her back, but I don't want to be her. I'm not Her. People always expected Her but then they got me, and while I'm not boring and without personality, I could still see a bit of that disappointment... they wanted Her but got stuck with me. I wonder if that's how actors feel when their fans meet them out in the wild. When the fan sees the person, the actor, not the character they are known for... does the actor see a tiny flash of disappointment in the fan's eyes? But I miss writing. Writing about nothing. And everything. I was never a note-passer in school (I was the nerd who always either focused cos I was interested or tuned out cos I was bored) but this seems to feel that way... passing notes in the internet in the hopes that someone will get it, read it, and really get it. I'm not promising myself that I'll do this. The promises you break to others are bad enough but the ones you break to yourself are truly sad. But. Here's a note. Perhaps I'll write another. And maybe it will stick.

[lunagrey]

Time for Doctor Who series finale. Phone off, gadgets put away, tv on, pizza and Dr Pepper... So. Ready. :)

[lunagrey]

Like learning a new language

An android girl trying iOs. New iPod touch... Nothing makes sense, because after years with android, I keep wanting to do things that way. The first day, I think I kinda hated it. But Siri is cool... She sets my reminders and alarms and looks stuff up for me. So, now, on day three, I'm getting used to doing things differently. And kind of liking it. Doubt I'll ever go iPhone, I love the Samsungs (my phone & tablet) way too much, plus they play well with each other and my computer. But there's room in my gadget geek girl's heart for a pink iPod touch...

[lunagrey]

I don't want to tie you down... tie you up, maybe...

[lunagrey]

flower exposed to radiation from Fukushima nuclear facility Japan

Is it still a flower? Is there still beauty in mutation? Does it see itself as damaged, does it yearn for ordinary beauty?

I look at this flower and see myself, and everyone else who has been damaged by life, circumstances, or other people. We continue to grow, perhaps take a different path, and maybe we no longer are what we had planned.

But what is inside is still the same. It is still a flower. And I am still human. Damaged, but not broken. And if you can't see that beauty, then the flaw is in you, not me.

[lunagrey]

Haiku Dirty

Soft fingertips trace patterns on bare skin -- your lips and tongue will follow ~~~~~~~ eyes closed tight, my hands slide under clothing, finding thoughts of you instead I whisper your name... and when I open my eyes they are full of tears

[lunagrey]

I am Winter Cold and barren Frozen -- Asleep, I dream of other seasons... The promise of Spring And warmth of Summer Sunlight kissing bronzed skin Warm breezes stirring life Blooming - growing - fading Into Autumn... I am Winter -- And Spring will never come again.

[lunagrey]

Letter, written long ago, never sent... I miss you. I mIss you like the flowers miss the sun, as soon as it has set. Do they wonder, as they sway in the dark, if it will return, and warm them with its fierce light? Do they fear, in the darkest part of night, that the sun has gone away forever, that they didn't get a chance to say goodbye, that they will never again bask in its warmth? Does the sun miss the flower in winter? Does it wait patiently, sure that come Spring the flower will wake, and again bloom for him? I do not think so. The sun does not need the flower. The sun simply is. But the flower needs the sun. Without sunlight, the flower fades, withers, dies. But the sun still shines in winter, whether there are flowers or not. You are the sun. And I am the flower. It is darkest night. Already, I am fading. How I wish I did not need the sun! I miss you. And still I wait. I wait, and hope that someday soon, I will bloom again.

[lunagrey]

Sonnet - for the one who tamed the fox I tell myself to keep away from you No tender words of love you have for me But coarse, impure - these things you say and do are filled with lust, not love. Why must this be? You do not speak of love and never will Sweet words you use, to bend and break and tame It's not my heart you seek nor want to fill That's not the prize you've set to win and claim. I should no longer seek your company How long can I withstand temptation's kiss? This fire that burns through you now consumes me Each day, each hour, resolve gives way to this... Which one of us shall in the end be won? And winning, will the other be undone?

[lunagrey]

Hello again, Internet. It's been a while. I know you haven't missed me at all, there are so many other interesting things out there and... are you even listening? I didn't think so. I was totally going to tell you about my little visit to Cougarsville (and the joys of kissing inappropriately younger men), but I have totally changed my mind. Maybe next time you'll give me your undivided attention. ;)

[lunagrey]

I'd comment, but I totally preferred the one in my head.

You are always thinking of insane jobs for yourself that you never follow through on.

Conversations with other people repeat in your head for days after you have them.

Conversations with other people repeat in your head for days before you have them.

Conversations...