lunamoonprism90-blog

[lunamoonprism90-blog]

First blog

Hey there.  As the title says, this is my first blog!  

I’ve got to be honest, I am pretty scared doing this but I am hoping that I can overcome that and use this platform to express feelings and topics I want to write about :).  

I don’t mind if anyone ever reads this, to be honest this is just for me.  So, lets start! 

A little bit of the basic stuff about me - 

I’m 29 and live in London, UK.  I’m married and have a doggo, I have a decent job.  Seem’s like a pretty average, nice life. 

Here’s the thing (and the reason I wanted to start this blog), I have depression and have problems with anxiety.  Usually, like 80% of the time I’m pretty much okay, or at least I sort of just muddle through the every day. 

A bit of a background on my “journey with depression and anxiety” - As a young child, I was painfully shy around others.  I was always nervous to make friends by myself, I’d usually wait for people to speak to me first.  Of course, growing up I had plenty of friends though!  I was always scared to go anywhere by myself, I clung to my parents quite a bit.  Even at a young age, of about 3 or 4 I would make up excuses to try get out of situations that frightened me. 

As I got older, I did gain some confidence but I was still pretty quiet.  Especially when it came to something I felt ZERO confidence in, such as maths classes (I suck at maths haha).  I could never quite understand what it was I was missing, or why I didn’t understand what was being explained in class.  Moving on, PUBERTY!  Puberty hit me early on, in primary school in fact.  I started to develop way earlier than my friends.  I did for the most part ignore it, thinking my friends will catch up and we’ll be the same eventually.  Secondary school started and I think this is when the issue with my body started to come in to play.  My friends all grew and stayed slim.  I stayed the same height from early on in my teens.  My boobs were bigger than my friends and I hated that I had a much bigger chest than everyone else.  I looked at myself as short and podgy and so began the comparison of myself to others.  I had braces for a large chunk of my teens too - this is also made me very wary of my appearance. 

Looking back, I was very slim as a teen and I weighed only about 7 and a half stone, but I thought I was fat/chubby.  There was a point when I was hanging around with some girls who were pretty cruel to not only myself but to my other friends too.  They made me feel ugly.  I get why they did it - they were deeply insecure themselves.  Teenagers are, I’ve not met a teen in my whole life who isn’t insecure about something!  Its normal, I guess? 

The older I got, I started to doubt myself and due to that I let myself fail in a number of areas, one being school.  I let boys affect my mood and I allowed myself to base my whole being off of them and how they made me feel, whether it be happy or sad (mainly the latter).  I as cruelly compared to other young girls and told I was second best etc.  What a thing to tell anyone, but looking back again it was coming from another teenager who definitely did not know the severity of their words.  Words that I would carry on with me even to this day. 

I met my future husband at quite a young age (still a teen though) - 17 years old.  He helped marginally with my confidence, but at the same time could knock it all away with a click of his fingers.  I wanted to be perfect for him, I wanted to be number 1.  Because of all the self doubt I had about myself, I struggled to see that I was number 1 to him.  Not to say that me and my husband haven’t had bad times and that he is perfect.  Far from it, but I’ll explain more on that shortly. 

In to my 20′s now and I started to slowly put on weight, I had fallen out with a lot of my school friends.  I was becoming isolated and pretty miserable.  At 20 I went to uni.  The next 4 years at uni were hard, extremely hard.  I felt guilty for going to to uni - my husband had his own insecurities about me going to uni (bear in mind I didn’t move away for uni and in fact lived only 20 minutes away).  I struggled to feel worthy at uni.  I compared myself to others, everyone was so much smarter than I was.  They always knew what to say and they had good grades etc... so I started to despise others in my classes and my anxiety started to sky rocket.  I was also working part time whilst studying too, which added on extra pressure.  I would come home from either uni or work and lock myself in the bathroom (despite usually being home alone) and I would cry.  Sob in fact.  I would start to contemplate suicide then - always the thought of hanging myself.  The self harming would start then too, but I thought I was always pretty smart about it.  I wanted to continue to seem to everyone else that I was okay, so I would hit myself... bruise the top of my legs, pinch myself and dig my nails in.  I never wanted anything permanent as I never wanted to anyone to find out my secret.  My husband found out though.  (we still wasn’t married at this time, e was living together though).  He didn’t fully understand, I’m not sure if he still does.  He has listened to me crying over the years and tried to help, but at the same time he has also made it worse.  Our arguments have been pretty bad over the years and usually would be to do with our equally low self-esteem. 

I have never felt good enough for him.  When we first got together, I was already pretty insecure as I said before and there was another young girl who my future husband at the time as still interested in/had feelings for.  This girl, although I’m not sure if she ever knew was the basis for A LOT of our horrible arguments in our late teens and early 20′s.  Because of this we have both become horribly insecure about each of us having friends of the opposite sex, or even friends who could be “influential” to us.  Anyway, I have never felt good enough for him... he has left me quite a few times, especially in the recent years (once this year) and yes I do understand it’s been because of his insecurities too but I really am not sure if he knows the impact this has had on me. 

2019 has been one hell of a rough year.  My grandmother has dementia and lives in a care home, my brother is currently under going treatment for cancer.  I feel pretty miserable in my job and I was in a car crash in the summer too.  I don’t have any close friends anymore, so I find it hard to talk to anyone. In the last recent weeks I have felt at my lowest and I have attempted/contemplated suicide twice.  I have been neglecting my anti-depressants and I have had panic attacks. 

My depression not only affects me mentally, but physically too.  I over-eat, meaning that slow weight gain has most certainly caught up over the years.  I struggle to be motivated/go out to places.  I am always so tired, I could actually sleep for days on end if I as allowed.  I have multiple knots and tension in my shoulder and I have actually been signed off work for stress this week.  But I am using this week to change how I am feeling.  To take the time for me and to heal these wounds.  Of course it is going to take longer than this week, but I am hoping to kick-start it this week and really take the time to focus on ME.  

I am going to be writing more posts of what I have tried and going to be trying for the rest of this week and any tips I have found helpful in the past.  

And maybe some more just about me :). 

Thanks!! 

LunaMoonPrism