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It doesn’t happen like that. You don’t just wake up one day and find that everything has worked itself out. You must get out of bed, morning after morning, and make a conscious effort to control the circumstances of that given day. You must learn to handle your issues with grace because you respect what they are attempting to teach you. You must drown your insecurities slowly, one self-realization at a time. You must allow yourself to feel the fear bubbling just beneath your skin but you must never allow it the satisfaction of crippling you; grit your teeth and march on. You see, they never tell you how hard these things will be. This fight to reclaim yourself is not easy or straightforward but, my god, is it necessary. 

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i think a big part of expanding your intellectual curiosity and trying to learn new things about the world is to abandon the shame of not knowing things. don't blame "the US school system" (which US school system????), don't blame your teachers, don't blame society, but embrace the fact that you are going to be learning new things constantly, throughout your life. practice saying "i really need to read about that" or "does anyone know of any good sources to learn about xyz?" or "hold on i gotta go check wikipedia/a world map/the dictionary/the news." every single day, there will be something you don't know already. that something doesn't have to be embarrassing. instead it can be an opportunity to learn something new

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something my mum always taught us was to look for the resources we're entitled to, and use them. public land? know your access rights and responsibilities, go there and exercise them. libraries? go there and talk to librarians and read community notice boards, find out what other people are doing around you, ask questions, use the printers. public records offices? go in there, learn what they hold and what you can access, look at old maps, get your full birth certificate copied, check out the census from your neighbourhood a hundred years ago. are you entitled to social support? find out, take it, use it. does the local art college have facilities open to the public? go in, look around, check out their exhibit on ancient looms or whatever, shop in their campus art supply store. it applies online too, there is so much shit in the world that belongs to the public commons that you can access and use if you just take a minute to wonder what might exist!!!

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stop trying to be palatable, stop trying to be palatable, stop

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I never kept a physical journal because I never had enough patience for handwriting and always had too many words to say. And I know I say it every few months when I return to this hell site then delete my original post, but I truly am so grateful that a digital archive exists somewhere where I bottled up my teenage years - the good, the bad, and the ugly.

How lucky am I, are many of us, to be able to look back and see the things we felt were worth fighting for at 13, 17, 20? Pieces of the people and pop culture that we loved? Silly moments of online community bonding that helped make the world a lot less lonely when we lacked the real-life support we deserved?

I returned again recently because I wanted to remember a part of myself I felt I was starting to forget. I hoped to remind myself: What was the world I imagined in my teenage years? Who did I think I'd become? Which pieces of myself from those years are still with me? What did I lose, and what is brand new? And how can I use these memories to figure out where I want to go next?

In that process, I got to see my love for art and creation in past-tense and connect it to my present. I re-read poems that inspired me to take up writing in college, that taught me charisma and communication skills, that led me to completing a master's thesis and finding language for resisting the power structures that tried to silence me as a queer and trans kid. I experienced online zines with digital art I used to dream of having the talent to make, except I can now use Procreate and charge for commissions the way my favorite artists used to. I read quotes that reminded me to remain firmly planted in love and community, to give myself grace and teach myself to heal in a world that makes the hurt easy. I continue to implement those lessons today.

I know younger me would be really proud of the me I am now. This blog helps remind me why. I am halfway to 30 now; I made my Tumblr when I was 14. It is a digital security blanket that gives me the courage to throw myself back into change when I get too comfortable, and the ability to call myself back to the familiar when I feel lost.

I love shouting into this silly digital void. I want to keep doing it from time to time to continue tracking my own growth and also keep finding new ways to grow. Thanks for sticking around and doing the same with me. Or for fucking around and posting memes, which is equally as valid. Wishing everyone health and happiness regardless.

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when hayao miyazaki said that true love was two people inspiring each other to live…recognizing just how hard living is, putting one foot in front of the other every day, how easy it is to lose our passion for it…… that’s the real shit

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frog frog frog frog frog

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Heal yourself first.

The rest will come later 🌿

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what are your twenties if not an endless string of the ghosts of who you thought you would become

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Let me express my hype for the new Mario movie by reposting these animations 😍💖

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don’t you see the starlight, starlight? don’t you dream impossible things?

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