lunarconfessions

[lunarconfessions]

Diary Entry – November 26, 2024

Today was a day of revelations and reflection, full of moments that pushed me to see things about myself that I hadn't fully understood until now. It started with my second consultation with my psychologist, and I can't even explain how much I needed it. I’ve been struggling with so much lately, but having someone help me put it into words felt like a weight had been lifted. During the session, I had this sudden clarity about what’s been going on in my life. There’s been a lot of tension, a lot of frustration, but I hadn’t been able to pinpoint where it was coming from. And today, it all made sense.

My psychologist helped me connect the dots. I’ve been focusing so much on myself, on my emotions and my struggles, that I’ve lost sight of the people around me and how they’re affected by my actions. I realized I’ve been so absorbed in my own pain and confusion that I haven’t been giving enough attention to those who care about me. I’ve been neglecting the fact that my boyfriend, who’s always there for me, has his own feelings, and I’ve been blind to how my actions and words have hurt him. The realization hit hard. I had no idea how much I’ve been taking him for granted, assuming he would just be okay, but I haven’t been paying attention to how my behavior has been impacting him.

It was an eye-opening moment that made me feel guilty, but also gave me a sense of responsibility. I need to change, and I can. I can start being more aware, more present, and less selfish.

After the session, I met up with Sid, who was going through some intense work issues. I just listened as he vented, talking about the frustrations at his job and everything that’s been making him unhappy. It wasn’t anything new—he’s been dealing with a lot lately—but hearing it all today, I couldn't help but think about how easy it is to get caught up in our own little world. Sid was opening up to me, and I could tell he needed someone to listen. And even though I was busy processing everything from my therapy, I still tried to be there for him, to offer a comforting word or just an understanding ear.

Then, later on, something unexpected happened. My boyfriend showed up at my office without telling me. I had no idea he was coming, and I was a bit caught off guard. At first, I felt surprised,because he hadn't given me a heads-up, but then I realized—he came to just to get his shoes and maybe to see me(?). And I’ve been so focused on myself that I didn't even see that. I felt a mix of guilt and warmth. I’m so used to thinking about my own needs, my own frustrations, that I sometimes forget how much he tries to be there for me, even in ways that I don’t always appreciate.

We went home together, and I could tell he was quiet, maybe a little distant. I wanted to ask him what was wrong, but part of me was scared of hearing the truth, afraid that I had hurt him too much. Instead of addressing it, though, I decided to take a walk. I needed some space to clear my mind, to really think about everything that had happened today and everything that had been happening in my life recently. It’s been overwhelming, but the walk gave me the time I needed to reflect.

Walking in the cool evening air, I found myself thinking a lot about how easily I get mad these days. How every little thing seems to set me off, and I know it’s because I’m protecting myself to be vulnerable. I’ve been keeping so much inside, avoiding the tough conversations, and it’s made me emotionally fragile. I get upset because I’m not being honest with myself about what I really need, what I’m really feeling. And I take it out on the people closest to me. I hate how that feels, but it’s something I need to face if I want to move forward.

I can’t keep shutting myself off from other people’s feelings, and I can’t keep pretending that I don’t need help, that I can handle everything on my own. I know now that I’ve been too focused on my own hurt, and it’s caused me to push others away, including the people who love me most.

Today was hard, but it was also a breakthrough. It wasn’t easy to confront these truths, but it’s a step forward. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I do know that I want to be better. I want to be more aware of my actions and how they affect the people around me. I want to be a better partner, a better friend, and most importantly, a better version of myself.

I’m going to work on being less reactive, less consumed by my own emotions, and more open to the people I care about. I’ll take small steps, but I’m ready to make those changes. I owe it to myself, and I owe it to them.

Until tomorrow.