lushinart

[lushinart]

[lushinart]

The Keeper - a soogyu oneshot

tags ₊ ⊹ vampire!AU, modern setting with original spin on vampirism, mentions of past abuse (not too explicit), manipulation, hurt and comfort, explicit sexual content, top!soobin, bottom!beomgyu, beomgyu likes praise and encouragement, soobin lowkey has a marking kink

summary ⭑.ᐟ What happens when a person who thought they had no future is forced to face the weight of eternity? Soobin helps Beomgyu navigate a terrifying time in his life, but now he is becoming the one thing it will hurt the most to lose. Is it crazy to still want him anyway?

word count: ~ 31.3k (ao3 link)

⊹₊ ˚‧︵‿₊୨୧₊‿︵‧ ˚ ₊⊹

  September, 2022  

There is something severely wrong with Beomgyu. He’s been feeling really strange for about a week now, ever since that night he refuses to let himself dwell on, but it’s getting harder and harder to ignore. He’s not really sick, there is no annoying pain he could attribute this nagging feeling of otherness to. In fact, he’s faring weirdly well for someone who is definitely not sleeping or eating enough lately, but there’s something different, something he feels down to his bones. 

At night, he’s been tossing and turning, the messy sheets under him and the temperature of his pillow never quite right. He tries his best to exhaust his mind, putting his phone away and reading some old manga volume he forgot he even had and lying in silence in the dark, but it’s useless. He’s desperate for that familiar feeling of heavy eyelids that lulls you down into the depths, but he keeps floating right on the edge of lucidity, never quite dipping into real sleep. Only after a couple hours of complete silence and stillness, when his mind manages to drift from his anxious thoughts to scattered distracting scenarios does he finally enjoy some brief rest. It never lasts long, but it doesn’t make a difference once he wakes up. 

He feels silly for letting his paranoia get to him, but after the seventh day in a row of waking up from barely two hours of shuteye with enough energy to run a marathon, he decides to finally listen to his intuition and try his hand at some research. He’s not sure about what he’s supposed to look for, doesn’t even know exactly what he’s hoping to find, but he needs to do something to calm his growing sense of unease. He reluctantly gets up to grab his laptop, balancing it on his lap after sitting back down on his bed. He opens up an anonymous window just in case, even though there is no one on this Earth who’d have the opportunity or even care to snoop through his browser history. The truth is that he hated the thought of letting his fear leave a trace, afraid that each tap of the keys would count as a confession of what happened to him. He presses his lips together, fingers hovering over the keyboard for a few seconds before he hesitantly starts to type a few questions onto the search bar. 

None of this makes sense. The very night he escaped that alley, he had already spent a while frantically searching up every and any drug that he could have possibly been dosed with and finding nothing, finally giving up just as the light of dawn had started creeping through his window. He had later woken up feeling just fine, surprisingly not even the slightest bit hungover from the drinks he’d had. Confused, he even let himself wonder for a second if it had all been a dream, but the sight of the crumpled shirt he had thrown across the room just hours before denounced the certainty of it all. He didn’t get it, he had been overpowered, had found himself alone and confused on the floor, surely having passed out from something, and proceeded to run like he’d never run before. Shouldn’t there have been some signs? A headache, sore muscles, an ache where his body had made contact with the ground, anything ? 

His new attempt at searching for a satisfactory explanation was similarly yielding no results. According to the trusty internet, an adrenaline rush couldn’t explain his state either, lasting at most only enough for his run back home. Defeated, he takes a deep breath and allows himself to come to terms with the only lingering effects of that night, the ones making a home in his mind. Desperate to get some answers, he spends an hour researching the common impacts felt by trauma survivors. 

Another dead-end. Sure, a lot of it makes sense, like his recent creeping anxiety and difficulty sleeping, but nothing seems to explain his physical symptoms, or lack thereof. Well, nothing that doesn’t swerve aggressively into conspiracy theory territory, that is, but Beomgyu is well over the point of being selective by now. If it’s not your typical science or psychology, there needs to be something that explains this. His searches get increasingly weird as the need for direction grows in his chest. It’s hard to explain, but it’s annoying and almost downright hurtful how well he feels. Having no big physical fallout should feel like a relief, given the circumstances, but instead it’s just starting to feel like the universe is laughing right in his face, taking every trace of that night with it so that he’s left with no proof that any of it even happened besides the memory replaying in his head; and as much as he’d like for it to not have been real, he knows that it was. He can feel that something was permanently and irreversibly taken from him. He clicks on a shady website and drinks the words on the page. 

The Undead? What the hell, sure. He’s heard of weirder things, and a little light reading surely can’t hurt. This is not, however, an easy topic to uncover. Between numerous accounts of supernatural encounters, folklore-themed blogs and forums that seem to cater to individuals with very specific kinks, there is a lot of information you could go through, most of which sounds utterly ridiculous even to the more naïve. Even so, Beomgyu’s eyes are glued to the screen for the better part of the morning. He even finds a few books that seem interesting but, feeling weirdly embarrassed at the thought of ordering them and keeping them around in his room, he quickly browses through local libraries’ online catalogue until he finds a place he could check some out from. 

The next day is sadly a Monday, which means he has a morning shift at the record shop. He usually loves it here, but he’s been so restless lately that everything manages to annoy him. At least the peak of summer is over by now, and the more demanding tourist crowd has once again been replaced by mostly local students as September rolled back around. Shifts are calmer, but once in a while the flashy electric guitar on display will still catch someone’s eyes and the sound of the whiny strings plucked by untrained hands will spread through the entire shop. Usually, he’d stand there encouraging the kids and let them pretend to be rockstars all they want, but lately the sound has been burrowing into his head like a hatchet. He even checked the amp to make sure no one messed with the usual settings, but everything seems to be just as it was. Everything except for him.  

Immediately after his shift is over, he briefly engages in the usual meaningless small talk with the owner before dashing out of there in a beeline towards a bus stop a couple of blocks over. Luckily, the library he had found was only a short bus ride away from his workplace, so he could easily swing by. The bus is only about half full with plenty of free seats to choose from, so he sits by a window towards the back. Beomgyu doesn’t even bother to pull out his phone to kill time, anxiously bouncing his leg the whole ride as he watches the streets blur under his unfocused gaze. Ten minutes later, he hops out of the bus and briskly walks until he’s right in front of the library doors. 

Although the building is quite big, it’s surprisingly unassuming and plain. The outside is fairly minimalistic, neither looking too old nor particularly modern, and the inside could be confused with any other library. To his right are some mildly worn-out stairs leading up to another level that wraps around the main room, and he can see through the safety railings that the second floor probably serves as a study space, littered with wooden tables occupied by students with their heads buried in books or lazily typing away on their laptops. 

He doesn’t quite know where to start, but he definitely does not want to ask for help with his search, so he tries to look natural as he strolls by the first few rows of bookshelves starting from the left side of the room until he stops by the first one that catches his attention. On the side of the bookshelf is a paper sign neatly taped onto the wood, the words ‘Mythology, Folklore, Fairy Tales’ staring back at him. He figures this has got to be his best bet at finding what he’s looking for, so he starts making his way to the right as his eyes scan hundreds of spines. He skips the huge collections of books about Greek mythology and German tales, tilting his head to focus on the titles full of fantastical folklore legends. He starts losing hope as he’s practically at the end of the row by now, but after only a few more minutes of careful examination, his gaze finally lands on a familiar title. As he reaches out for it, trying to carefully wedge it out, he’s surprised by a soft voice at his side. Looking up at the source of the sound, he can’t immediately determine whether the person addressing him, who seems to be right around his age, is a librarian here or just another random visitor. He seems to be carefully studying his demeanor, his face is holding a polite smile, surely waiting for a response.  

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that’ he mutters awkwardly ‘What did you say?’ 

The stranger’s smile carries no sign of offense, stretching a little bit wider in amusement at his reaction. Beomgyu is only now noticing the slightly impatient rhythm of his foot tapping against the carpeted floor and the stack of mail busying his hands. This guy isn’t wearing a name tag or anything else that could help identify him as an employee here, donning a simple white t-shirt and dark wash jeans, but his posture indicates as much. Besides, who the hell would just walk around with their mail? He must have just approached him from behind as he walked back into the building. He wonders if he’s about to get a scolding for pulling out the book he’s now holding protectively against his chest (although he knows that’s a bit nonsensical, considering the point of a library) and he hopes his choice of book doesn’t make him look like one of the people from the weird forums.  

‘I just asked if maybe you’d like some help. You know, for your... research.’ The librarian motions with his head towards the books. ‘I’ve never seen you around here, so I thought I’d let you know about our resources. We have a few collections and special editions that we keep in storage elsewhere, but they can be consulted upon request. I could see if there’s anything that interests you pertaining a certain topic.’ 

Beomgyu tries to remember some of the titles he came for, but his mind goes completely blank, and he simply offers a soft shake of his head. ‘Uh, no thank you, that’s alright.’ 

His polite refusal is met with a similar amount of awkward energy. ‘Are you sure?’ the librarian stutters a bit, seemingly a bit nervous, but it doesn’t look like he is about to be too pushy, already taking a step back. 

Beomgyu quickly nods and places the book back on the shelf ‘Yeah, I was just looking. Thank you, though.’ 

He receives a tight smile in response, and he senses some hesitation from the boy to turn around and leave, addressing him one last time ‘Okay. Well, if you need anything, please feel free to come back any time. I’d be happy to help.’ There is a sincerity in his voice that almost rings close to desperation, like those words carry some sort of hidden importance he doesn’t have the key to decipher. Beomgyu watches as he finally turns around and hurriedly crosses the room towards a door he hadn’t previously noticed was there.  

Beomgyu should have just at the very least taken that book. That night is spent in frustrated regret as he struggles to conjure any other thought besides the brown leather-bound book and its weight in his hands. He wanted to know of all the secrets held within, even if they only served to confirm that this was all very idiotic and he was merely spiraling from stress when he even considered that something supernatural might be going on with him.  

At least the nice employee seemed to assume he was just another student looking for some source materials. Sure, that could work for him. What’s wrong with using the free resources available to him anyway? Tomorrow, he’d haul his ass back into that library and confidently ask to check it out. Or so he thought. 

After a surprisingly calm shift, he calmly made his way back to the bus stop, getting back on track of his secret mission to find out what exactly could be wrong with him. His relaxed demeanor didn’t last long, though, his plan to be nonchalant thrown out the window the minute he spotted the entrance to the library. His heartbeat was already ringing in his ears to an annoyingly unstable rhythm. Still, he forced himself to walk over there once again, swallowing down his irrational fear of anything going wrong.  

Beomgyu made a direct beeline towards the same bookshelf, itching to reach for the book he so foolishly left behind yesterday, only to realize it wasn’t there. He let out a frustrated huff, wondering if someone had messed with the layout of the shelf, but a thorough inspection of the surrounding bookshelves confirmed its absence. Maybe someone else had already taken it home or left it lying around and no one had repositioned it yet, and so he had no choice but to ask for information. 

Glancing around for a while, even tentatively peeking between a few corridors of tall bookshelves, he tried to spot the person who had approached him yesterday to no avail. Feeling defeated but refusing to walk out empty handed again, he took a deep breath and walked towards the check-out counter at the far back. He softly cleared his throat, trying to catch the attention of the distracted middle-aged lady behind it, and shot her an awkward smile as they established eye contact.  

Before she could open her mouth to ask how she could help, he started explaining ‘I uh- I was here yesterday and uh... I’m looking for a book, but I think someone might have checked it out already. Maybe you could check if its somewhere around here, or, or... maybe there’s anything similar I could take a look at instead?’  

The lady looked completely unfazed, maybe even bored, and she did not care to hide it as she lazily walked over to the computer to her right. ‘What’s the name of the book you’re looking for?’ 

‘It’s called... uhm... I think it was something like «The Undead – Real Accounts of the Eternals Who Walk the Earth»’ he mumbled. 

He watched as she began absentmindedly typing, before she blinked as if being awaken from a stupor and looked up at him through half-lidded eyes, like she was just realizing he was standing right in from of her. Not bothering to type the rest of the title into the computer, she shuffled over a little bit back to the left and pressed what he assumed must have been some call button hidden from sight from this side of the counter.  

‘You must be looking for the Keeper’ she spoke calmly, her tone so even he wondered if he had misheard something, if she had actually just said the most natural thing in the world. ‘Just wait here, he should be right up’ she added before proceeding to go back to ignoring his presence. 

As if on cue, the unassuming door to the left behind her opened before his eyes once again to reveal a tall figure. He half expected it to be the guy from yesterday – how many hot young guys could they be hiding in here? – but this one wasn’t here yesterday; he’s pretty sure he would have noticed him if he were. The combination of his neatly styled black hair, dark-framed glasses and cardigan made him blend right in with the cozy atmosphere and immediately gave Beomgyu a weirdly homely and comforting vibe. He started instinctively walking towards the lady before he noted Beomgyu’s presence, halting his steps. The two behind the counter exchanged quick looks, and then, as if a sense of recognition had descended upon the boy, he addressed Beomgyu with a calm smile.  

‘The book you’re looking for must be downstairs. Come with me, please.’  

It’s weird to explain, but his tone had been so natural and convincing that Beomgyu didn’t even stop to wonder why he would need to accompany a librarian to fetch a book for him. Before the thought could even register in his mind, he was following him down some battered curved stairs into a floor he wasn’t even aware this building had until 10 seconds ago. 

This floor was a little colder, the difference in temperature immediately evident as he stepped off the stairs into a room that had no resemblance to the one he had just left. There were no windows to provide the room with some natural light down here, and although the artificial lighting was somewhat warm, the glow it cast on the stone walls gave it more of a creepy vibe than a cozy one. He casually looked around, registering the presence of a velvet couch nested into a corner as well as the two big wooden tables that took up most of the space. He expected to find a mess of book stacks, but except for a couple of leather journals sprawled across one of the tables, there were none in sight.  

The tall boy motioned for him to sit down in one of the chairs around the closest table, and he did so despite all of his senses suddenly flicking to high alert like a switch. Before he could start asking any of the obvious questions, the thick velvet curtains on the far wall that he had disregarded as tacky decoration parted to let through a familiar figure. 

‘You’re back’ the librarian from yesterday exclaimed. 

Apparently, the small area they were in was more like an entrance hall than an actual room. Beomgyu could barely find the words to reply, refusing to drag his gaze away from the now once again impenetrable curtains. The brief glimpse he had at the area behind them was hard to put into words. He didn’t get a good look, but he was sure that what he did see resembled something that belonged to an old castle, not a twenty-first century building smack in the middle of Seoul.  

‘You good?’ the taller stranger asked, trying to hide the nervousness visible through his awkward stance. 

‘What’s that?’ He pointed right at the curtains. 

Both strangers sighed, as if they were hoping to avoid the subject but weren’t surprised that it was being brought up. It didn’t seem like either of them were eager to give him the long version.  

‘It’s an archive.’ The familiar librarian replied matter-of-factly, sitting down in the chair opposite him. ‘Hi. Glad to see you again.’ 

‘Uhmm.. Thank you? I was looking for-’ 

‘The Undead real accounts thingy, I know. Yeah, it’s down here somewhere.’ Again, neither of them made a move to retrieve the book or offer an explanation to the increasingly weird vibe. Instead, the person in front of him examined him through squinted eyes, head tilted in a mix of curiosity and frustration. ‘I’m still shit at telling, to be honest.’ Beomgyu had a feeling this comment was not directed at him.  

‘Same.’ the one still standing awkwardly to his left replied. 

He had no idea what he was supposed to say next. He wanted to excuse himself, say he didn’t really need the book anyway, but something kept him bound to his seat. Maybe this is just how intense the dark academia types are, and this is supposed to be some sort of interview so they can determine whether or not he should be allowed to look at their special, fancy downstairs books. Fuck, he should have prepared for this better. He didn’t even think to make up a good excuse, wouldn’t know what to say if they asked him which university he’s studying at, or which class would an essay on immortal creatures be appropriate for.  

‘So, if it’s not too much indiscretion, could you tell us why that particular book caught your eye?’  

‘Curiosity, I guess’ he’s not lying, technically. 

‘Right’ he nodded in response, sucking in another breath as he searched for the right words. ‘And what were you curious about, exactly?’ 

Well, that stumped him. He had to think fast. ‘I’m just trying to think of a cool topic for uh... like, a thesis.’ 

‘Right...’ It did not take a genius to tell he was being extremely unconvincing.  

‘Do I need credentials to check something out, or something?’ He asked nervously. He didn’t have any student card or anything that could prove his intentions. 

His question was promptly ignored. ‘What’s your name?’ 

‘Beomgyu.’ What? Why did he just offer that up immediately? 

‘And how long have you been feeling different for, Beomgyu?’ 

He did not expect that. Silence immediately spread over the room, like a flame being deprived of oxygen. 

‘What do you mean?’ he returned weakly. 

For a second, a look of uncertainty settled in both of their locked gazes, like they were both unsure of how they were coming across. However, the moment was soon over, and the stranger cleared his throat in an assertive manner, deciding to strike again. Maybe he had seen something in his reaction. 

‘How long?’ 

‘About a week.’  

‘What happened?’ 

More silence. ‘That’s what I’m trying to find out.’  

‘Keeper, get the guide.’  

The boy gave a short nod and slipped through the curtains, his steps echoing in the room. What kind of name is that? Surely that can’t be his actual name, but it’s weird even for a nickname. He returned within seconds, placing a book on the table within his reach. It was nothing like the one he came here for – in fact, this looked more like a Driver’s Manual, with an unadorned white cover and an ugly black font. He frowned as he pulled it closer, taking a look at the title: «Vampirism», followed by a small subtitle that identified this book as being the ultimate guide to modern day vampirism, revised as of 2020.  

‘What.’ Beomgyu deadpanned. He didn’t even have the energy for proper intonation, feeling like he might be on the receiving end of a contrived prank.  

‘Just take a look, please.’  

He picked up the book and begrudgingly scanned a few pages, scoffing in disbelief at the borderline infantile tone of the first few sections. “Found yourself surviving an impossible accident?”, “Want to find more vampires in your area?” Yeah, okay. This is insane. 

Picking up on his look of bewilderment, the taller boy sighs and sits down next to him. He looks like he’s just about to ask a question, but Beomgyu pushes back away from him, the sound of the chair dragging on the floor interrupting him. 

‘Beomgyu.’ It’s the interrogator again ‘You are here for a reason, aren’t you?’ He sighs in defeat. ‘Look, forget about the guide. You can read it later. Just ask me any questions you have, I’ll see if I can help.’ 

The genuine tone of his voice sends a chill down his spine. Could they actually be serious? 

‘Are you trying to imply I’m a vampire?’ he whispers, still in disbelief. 

‘When was that last time you felt hunger?’ he immediately rebuffs. 

‘Wh-’ That gets him thinking. A tingling feeling of uncertainty, bordering on fear, settles on the back of his skull, making him queasy in his seat. Before he can come up with an answer, he is being bombarded with more questions. 

‘How about a headache? And how’s your sleep?’  

His hands instinctively slide away from the book into his lap and his breathing turns shallower. He shuts his eyes as he tries to search his mind for the right answers and fiddles with his fingers in an attempt to calm his nerves.  

‘Keeper...’ their tone is hesitant. The both of them exchange a grave look. The boy sitting by his side reaches his hand under the table, handing the other something Beomgyu can’t quite guess at. ‘Beomgyu, give me your hand, please.’  

He hesitantly reaches his right hand out, ready to pull it back if things somehow manage to get any weirder, but as soon as their hands touch, his is held steady in an iron grip, and he doesn’t manage to break free fast enough. In what felt like a millisecond, the psychopath had sliced at his wrist with a slender letter opener. He tried to pull back immediately, but both librarians were now using all their might to keep him in place. He yelled out in pain, calling them all sorts of things, but they disregarded his complaints and yelled right back. ‘Give it a minute! Stop moving, look!’ Freeing himself from their grasp, he tumbled back a few steps, clutching his bloody wrist to his chest in a panic before turning it and checking its state. This isn’t possible.  

‘Let me see.’  

Dumbfounded, Beomgyu obeys, hesitantly reaching out his arm for the both of them to examine. There was nothing to see. They all sat back down, silence reigning once again, as if the past attempt on his physical integrity had never happened.  

‘It doesn’t make sense, though. I-’ he can’t believe he’s even considering it, even though he came here with an open mind to explore new possibilities ‘It’s literally daytime, I walked in the sun to come all the way over here’ he reasons ‘You can’t seriously think I’m a vampire.’ 

‘I don’t. You’re not. Those blood-thirsty little creatures aren’t real.’ 

Okay, now he’s just confused, but this person is not allowing him any room to think right now. 

‘We just call them that for convenience’ he quickly corrects himself ‘You. We call you that.’  

‘Me?’ Beomgyu feels weirdly defensive now, hating the feeling of being othered. ‘Who even are you?’ 

‘I’m the Archivist.’ 

Beomgyu scoffs. ‘Right, the keeper and the archivist, what a pair.’ 

‘Soobin. I’m Soobin’ the boy next to him intervenes shyly. He shrugs as his colleague shoots him a look of disapproval. 

‘My god. Sorry, we don’t do this often.’ He leans back in the chair in defeat. ‘Just ask your damn questions.’ 

‘I don’t even know what to ask first.’ He’s bouncing his leg up and down frantically. 

‘Great, let me give you the abridged version. Whatever your idea of a vampire is, those aren’t a thing, that silly book you wanted can’t help you. You don’t need to hide from the sun, avoid garlic or feed exclusively on blood. I know, those kinda sound like the basic requirements, right? Well, luckily those are just the result of a bunch of superstitions mixed up together. We don’t really know whether the chicken or the egg came first here, the myths or the real thing. We suspect some of the superstitions might have derived from the truth, but we don’t know a lot for certain. Why even call it vampirism then, you may ask. Fuck if I know. Probably because these societies are most active at night, they don’t age, have invulnerability and the disease spreads through blood.’ 

‘Did I die?’ Beomgyu mutters softly. 

‘I don’t know, you tell me. I mean- you're not dead now, don’t worry. You’re fine, more than fine.’ 

‘I... was attacked.’ He looks down at his lap, words stuck on his throat. 

The other two share a concerned look, and the one in front of him gets up slowly from the chair ‘I’m gonna go get you some water, yeah?’ He slips away behind the curtains. 

Soobin calmly drags his chair closer and tentatively places his hand on Beomgyu’s shoulder. Then, in a whisper so low it would be imperceptible if not for their closeness, the boy speaks to him ‘I’m sorry.’ 

Like a wounded animal, bent over his own figure, Beomgyu leans into the comforting feeling of his touch. Soobin rubs his back a couple times encouragingly, and he tilts his head slightly to meet his eyes, and the expression he’s met with is so sincere it almost makes him want to sob. Ever since coming down those stairs his body had been on high alert, the cold walls around them giving him the feeling that he was trapped in a cage. However, pinned under the boy’s soft gaze, it suddenly occurred to him that this might be a refuge after all.  

‘I just went out to a club, had a few drinks. It felt too hot inside, so I came outside to get some fresh air for a bit. I was a bit dizzy and decided to call it a night when I noticed how late it already was. I thought about getting an uber or something, but I wanted to walk off my buzz for a bit, so I was just walking aimlessly for a while. And then...’ 

Soobin nods in understanding. ‘I see where this is going. I’m sorry, but... what can you tell me about the attack? It’s important.’ 

Beomgyu nervously bites his lip before proceeding ‘I was dragged into an alley, pushed onto the floor. I don’t know... I don’t know what that person did to me. I got disoriented, and I felt a sharp pain on my thigh, right here’ He points at a spot on his outer thigh. ‘I thought I might have been stabbed, or injected with something, but when I gathered the courage to look at it at home, there was nothing there.’ 

‘That’s it?’ he calmly enquires. ‘Nobody tried to drag you anywhere else after?’ 

‘No. I hit my head on the way down and passed out after whatever the hell they did to me. But I woke up in the same position minutes later, and they were nowhere to be seen.’ 

Soobin ponders for a few seconds. The other librarian is back, gently placing a glass of water in front of him. ‘They might have thought they accidentally killed you when you passed out. Or maybe they are planning on coming back for you later. Look, you should stay here until this is properly investigated.’ 

‘Investigated by whom?’ 

‘The Order has its ways.’ Beomgyu squints in confusion, trying to process these words. ‘We are under obligation to report any new infected. They will open an investigation into your particular case. Going rogue and turning random people on the streets is highly frowned upon, as you can imagine, and whoever this was needs to be stopped as soon as possible. We’ll protect you in the meantime.’ 

He simply nods, too overwhelmed to raise any objection. The entire situation is starting to make him feel truly terrified. ‘So, uhm. Was I bitten, then?’ 

‘Don’t think so. Probably injected with their blood. Here, take another look at the guide, okay? I know how it looks, trust me, that’s intentional. There’s a lot you can learn from it, though.’ 

Weakly nodding once again, he reaches for the book and unenthusiastically opens it to the first section, the one that lists symptoms he might be feeling in detail and attempts to describe what’s currently going on with his body. The descriptions have a weirdly cheery tone to them, as if whoever wrote this was trying their hardest to provide a silver lining to the whole thing. After a few minutes of absorbing the information on the pages, he looks back up, facing the people who seem to be studying his reactions. ‘So this is like, a literal virus? A disease?’ 

‘Are you familiar with how cancer works?’ The one in front of him speaks up. ‘It’s sort of like that, except not. Rather than disrupting your cell’s regular activity, it turns them all into super soldiers that are constantly regenerating. You guys should call yourselves Deadpools instead, really.’ He attempts to lighten the mood.  

‘So it’s all just a healing ability?’ 

‘To put it simply, yes. It doesn’t completely turn you into a whole other being, you just work better . You still have pain receptors, you’ll still feel everything, but you’ll heal from it almost immediately.’ 

‘There’s really thousands of us out there? How does that work?’ 

‘The manual covers the different societies we know of, some of which have walked the Earth for centuries. You’ll be acquainted with the systems soon, but there really isn’t that much to it. Turning people without going through the proper channels is forbidden, so the population is kept under control. You are free to fully integrate into tighter communities or do your own thing on your own, as long as you follow the rules.’ 

‘What happens if you break a rule?’ 

‘Depends on the severity of the situation.’ 

‘If you turn someone?’ he pushes. 

‘Oblivion’ Soobin mumbles out in response.  

Beomgyu glances between the two of them. ‘What’s that?’ 

An uncomfortable silence settles between them. Soobin looks to his colleague, encouraging him to proceed in his stead. 

‘It’s like, vampire prison. They hold the infractor in some sort of sense-depriving cell until full loss of conscience. This can take decades, but eventually the prisoner won’t remember who they were and what they did, and then they can be reintegrated into society.’ 

‘What? How does that happen, they are kept there so long they go insane?’ 

‘It’s just a silence that stretches on forever, it probably really sucks at first, but then you get used to your new numb existence and soon enough it will be all you’ve ever known. You won’t even be aware there was ever any other way to live.’ 

‘H-how do they forget?’ 

‘Like any of us do. Your body might be running on a crazy effective software, but your brain is still the same as it always was. Live long enough to cross several generations and you’ll eventually forget where you were even born.’ 

‘Oh, wow, that’s crazy.’ 

‘There’s where we come in.’ Soobin cheerily chimes in. Beomgyu shoots him a confused look, opening his mouth to question his meaning, but Soobin is already getting up and walking towards the red curtains, uncovering the world behind them. ‘Come over here.’ 

‘Holy shit.’ This is all Beomgyu can manage as a reaction to the sight in front of him. The curtains open up to a broad, tall chamber, the walls lined floor to ceiling with books, all squeezed together neatly into countless elaborate wooden bookshelves.  

‘This is the Archive.’ Soobin proudly announces. It definitely doesn’t seem like he gets to do this a lot, if his giddy tone is anything to go by. 

‘Our clients have entrusted us with the responsibility to make sure their past lives are never erased. This is where we keep their journals and other sensitive materials that aren’t to fall into the wrong hands’ The other’s voice sounds out from behind them. 

‘Well, that explains your nicknames.’  

‘Those are just a formality, to be honest. Nowadays, we’re both mostly busy with building a digital copy of it as well as an additional safety measure. Gotta keep up with the times.’ 

‘We should just be called the Transcribers at this point.’ Soobin jokes. 

Beomgyu barely registered his words, looking down at the floor, the rush of the awestriking sight having quickly faded. ‘So... I’m just gonna have to live forever?’ He mutters. 

The two visibly tense in response. Soobin is silent as he shoots him an awkward smile. The other librarian resigns himself to trying to provide an answer to each of his questions.  

‘I know it must be hard to come to terms with. It’s... not easy for you guys. Due to your cell regeneration abilities, you won’t age normally, so in order to avoid suspicion from those around you, you either have to give up having a regular life and join an underground community or you’ll be moving around at least every decade or so. But don’t worry, the Order will provide you with whatever you need. As for your family...’ The librarian looks down at his feet, his voice taking on a more careful, melancholic tone ‘You still have some time to come to terms with your new life before you have to sever from your old one. When you’re ready, you can put in the request and the Order will take care of faking your death and relocating you.’  

Beomgyu simply nods. ‘That won’t be a problem. I left home when I was 16, I’m sure they’ll get over it just fine.’ 

Soobin blinks in surprise at his response, and then silently reaches out his hand to give Beomgyu’s arm a comforting squeeze. After a few seconds of awkward silence, Soobin informs him that they are expecting visitors to assess his situation so they can begin an investigation.  

‘After they hear your testimony, maybe someone can accompany you to your house to get whatever you need. But you’ll need to lay low here until they catch the people responsible for your attack.’ 

‘I’ve got work tomorrow, though.’ 

‘You’ll have to call in sick.’ 

‘Fair enough.’ 

‘You’ll get through this’ the boy encourages him with a sweet smile.  

‘Can I ask you guys something personal?’ Neither of them replies, but Soobin encourages him with a nod. ‘You guys aren’t vampires, right? So how come this is your job? How do you stumble into this sort of thing?’ 

‘We are under the guidance of the owner of this place. We were taken in by the local community when we were kids.’  

‘Plain old humans can be very useful for their fronts, places like this that are not convenient to move around.’ The other adds. 

‘What about your real parents?’  

‘Never met them. Most likely dead.’  

‘Sorry.’ Beomgyu awkwardly offers. 

‘It’s okay.’ Soobin reassures him. ‘We can’t complain.’ 

‘So you do this job because you want to?’ 

He shrugs. ‘It’s a job like any other. We’re happy to do our part. We do it out of gratitude, not obligation.’ 

Beomgyu went back to browsing through the guide while they waited for someone from the Order to come see him. The Archivist had gone past the curtains to continue his work, but Soobin sat down on the couch in the corner with a laptop on his lap. Once in a while, Beomgyu popped his head up from behind the book to ask whatever came to his mind. 

‘What about fangs? How come we don’t get fangs?’ 

Soobin chuckled. ‘I’ve met a few underground vampires who got them done, it’s a preference, but it’s not a good look in some circles who want to keep everything more lowkey and break away from some of the past generations.’  

‘Why? It looks kinda cool’ Beomgyu pouts. 

‘Uh... There’s no real use to them. I heard a few decades ago, a group used to turn people with them, just like in the tales. But rather than suck their blood, they’d use them to nick their own tongue so they could mix their own blood with theirs. You wouldn’t even need to bite them for that, you could just kiss them and spit your blood into their mouth or something’ Soobin scrunches his nose in mild disgust as he explains. 

‘I can’t believe this could all be happening while regular humans remained oblivious to it.’ 

‘A lot of mortals know about it. All the arrangements come from a mutual effort to keep it under wraps. A lot of people may think invulnerability or immortality are desirable, but we must not let this spread out of control. The future of the entire race hangs on that balance.’ 

‘I guess you’re kinda right, if people knew about it, they’d try to find a way to turn, and then there’d be a bunch of people who never died.’ 

‘Worse than that. If everyone turned, no one new would be born either.’ Soobin added ‘Vampires can’t procreate.’ 

‘For real?’ 

‘Yeah. I think in theory, they could probably get pregnant, but as soon as the fetus started demanding nutrients and stuff, their body would treat it as an unwelcome parasite and terminate it.’ 

Beomgyu knit his eyebrows and pondered about it for a second ‘Damn... Wait, but can a vampire impregnate a regular human?’ 

‘Nope.’ the boy responded matter-of-factly. ‘Semen can also turn people.’  

‘Oh. Okay. Interesting.’ Beomgyu went back to reading.  

The representative sent by the Order was less intimidating than he thought he would be, politely greeting all of them with a kind smile and thanking the librarians for timely alerting them of the situation. The man was somewhat short and looked to be in his mid-thirties, and despite clearly being of Hispanic origin, there wasn’t a trace of an accent as he addressed them. Beomgyu wondered just how old he might have really been, and how long ago he settled around here. He had to recount all the events of that night all over again, which he was less than enthusiastic about, but his story was met with sincere sympathy and promises to help him through his adaptation should he ever reach out for help. 

Beomgyu explained he’d like to stay in the city and keep working his day job if possible, and the representative told him as long as he was careful there would probably be no issue for a couple of years, but eventually he’d have to acquire a new identity. The conversation then turned back into the topic of the investigation. He was assured that they were confident it wouldn’t be that big of a hassle, considering this seemed to be the work of an amateur and the Order was quick to crack down on rogues once they popped up from time to time. A blood sample was drawn from him for analysis. Apparently, there were different strands of the ‘virus’, which could be tracked. Every day there were efforts to make new advancements in the field to understand it.  

As expected, the investigation was done with almost immediately, just as he was promised. There was not much to it at all; once in a while, someone suffering a personal loss, which is not uncommon for the immortal, or simply struggling with the circumstances of such an unconventional lifestyle being imposed on them will act out. There are all kinds of scenarios and reasons that could lead to turning an innocent – to try to threaten the Order and the hard work they’ve put into keeping this centuries old secret, to establish their own group free of their leadership or sometimes even just out of despair and loneliness. However, the only reason peace has been maintained for so long has been due to every individual community’s commitment to the cause, which results in an efficient network and tightly enforced rules – no one is unaccounted for. Even if Beomgyu hadn’t made his way into this place by himself, he too would have been found out eventually.  

It took them less than a week to track down the rogue vampire, but Beomgyu looks fondly back on those days in the Archive as if they contained a whole life. The two keepers of the Archive had a small apartment right across the street, useful for their non-work-related affairs, but they ended up spending most nights at the rooms made available to them down there for convenience, practically only using the apartment’s address to receive important mail from the clients. Soobin had warmly offered up his room at the Archive to Beomgyu, claiming he didn’t mind staying at the apartment while the investigation was ongoing, even though it was known by all that Beomgyu didn’t really need to sleep. Still, despite the lack of physical demand to do so, this was a habit that Beomgyu would still like to maintain, a much welcome break from life’s ruthless pace and a chance to clear his mind for a few hours, so he was incredibly grateful for the boy’s offer, which he gladly accepted. 

Beomgyu had completely forgotten to ask to be escorted to his apartment for his things, so he spent his first night bored out of his mind, alternating between staring at the ceiling and scrolling on his phone before he managed to slip into a mere hour of sleep. The next morning, Soobin offered to go over to his apartment for him and bring him whatever he needed, so he could occupy the rest of his time there watching movies on his laptop in between sessions of reading the boring guide. The questions burning in the back of his mind would not be answered by the overly technical and sugarcoated book, though. 

During the day, he was welcome to hang out with the two librarians, although he tried to avoid distracting them as they focused on their work. Empathetic towards his situation, Soobin started bringing him snacks in his breaks and keeping him company into the late afternoon, before heading to the apartment. The nights were unbearably lonely, though. He was used to being alone, but his new reality and all it encompassed sat heavily on his chest, a newfound feeling of hopelessness making itself a permanent home there. Beomgyu had always felt like he watching his own life play out from the wrong side of a bridge, yearning for the day he could cross it and join everybody else in living, but now that bridge was gone and the thing that separated him from them became more like a chasm, too wide to see across. The one thing keeping him afloat right now was the tall boy’s gentle presence, although he couldn’t bear to dwell on it too long. After all, despite his physical closeness, Soobin was also on the other side, unreachable.  

He found it even harder to clear his mind and fall asleep on the second night, giving up quickly and nestling himself comfortably on the velvet couch, putting on a random movie to distract him from his thoughts. Deep into the night, his heart almost leaped out of his chest as the curtains unexpectedly parted and a figure rushed to one of the wooden tables. Spotting him in the corner of the room, the Archivist also closed his eyes and brought a hand to his chest in surprise, but they didn’t address each other as a voice coming from the phone on this hand continued calmly giving out directions. Beomgyu waited until the call was over and the boy was done scribbling something on a journal to question the situation.  

‘Is everything alright?’ 

‘Yeah, yeah, sorry I barged in like that, I thought you were in the room.’ He didn’t look up in his direction, quickly getting a laptop out and typing something out at a near inhuman speed. ‘Got a transfer request, someone wants their records shipped out to   Europe. I guess the concept of time zones is lost on them. I should register the request now so I don’t forget in the morning.’ 

‘That sucks. Maybe they forgot you need sleep or something.’  

‘Or they just don’t give a fuck.’ The Archivist chuckles. ‘I’m used to it. This happens more often than you might think.’  

A comfortable silence settles between them as they both focus their gaze on their respective screens. After a while, Beomgyu hears the soft sound of a laptop closing, but the librarian doesn’t immediately return to his room. Instead, he seems to be observing him. 

‘Is everything alright?’ He asks meekly ‘I’m no Soobin, but you can still come to me if you need anything.’ 

For a second, Beomgyu considers brushing it off, but this might be his chance to get some insight from him. 

‘Can I ask you something?’ 

‘Always.’  

‘If you were raised by them, people like me, I mean...’ 

‘Yes?’  

‘Have you never considered just joining them? Like, don’t you guys think about it?’ 

‘Yes, of course we have. Soobin and I used to talk about it all the time.’ 

‘And?’ 

He presses his lips shut hesitantly. It’s one thing to discuss these things with a friend, a mortal friend, and another thing entirely to speak your mind to someone who has already irrevocably turned.  

‘You can say what’s on your mind, it’s fine. I want to know.’ 

‘We agreed it’s better to remain this way.’ 

‘So it’s completely your choice?’  

‘Yes. As a part of the community, we are free to choose. It is in the best interest of both the mortals and the Order to keep the number of the infected as low as possible, of course, but we have been offered the option, as long as we plan to be of service.’ 

Beomgyu lets his gaze fall onto his lap, deep in thought. ‘I see.’ For some reason, he had secretly hoped for a different answer, but he had a hard time admitting that even to himself. He had imagined that maybe there was a different reason beyond the usefulness of humans in the Order’s affairs, like they had to be on some sort of waiting list, or there was a process to complete first, requirements they had yet to meet, or maybe they were waiting to reach an age they felt was more ideal to remain as. Anything that wasn’t just their refusal to become like him. 

‘I wish I could comfort you better, I really do. I hope you get to make the best out of your situation. There are certainly a lot of benefits to it.’ 

‘Like what?’ he replies sarcastically, turning his head in shame as his words come out harsher than he intended. ‘I’m sorry. You were just trying to answer my question.’ 

‘Maybe I could reach out to some people, they’ll know better than me how to advise you.’ Beomgyu feels the couch sinking slightly as the boy joins him.  

‘Thank you. And for being honest with me, too.’ 

‘Of course. You can ask me anything. I just can’t guarantee you’ll like the answer, that’s all.’ 

Beomgyu nods and takes a few seconds to readjust his position on the couch, shifting his weight so that they are facing each other, and hesitantly mumbles out one of the questions that has been plaguing him the most ‘Is it true we don’t have souls?’ 

‘What?’ there is genuine surprise in his tone ‘What do you mean?’ 

‘Like, is it true we are Undead and our souls are damned or something? That we’re no longer human?’ 

‘Beomgyu, we don’t even know if mortals have souls, let alone you. And you didn’t die, you just hit your head and passed out.’ 

He rolls his eyes ‘You know what I mean, though.’ 

‘I suppose I do. Well, let’s take the logical approach to this question, shall we? Besides the obvious physical changes, do you think there’s anything different about you now?’ 

‘I guess not...’ he concedes ‘But then why is that like such a trope? Aren’t we supposed to be villains or something?’ 

‘This is a complicated topic. If you want to know my honest opinion, yes, I do think your kind can have somewhat of a... tenuous grip on humanity. That’s because being human means something, humans exist in a context, within specific circumstances, and dying is one of them. I’m not saying this in a “everything beautiful dies” type of way or some other deep bullshit, but there is some undeniable truth to the idea that death is an essential condition to our way of living. You aren’t a villain just because you can’t die, Beomgyu, but think about how much our decisions hinge on our fragility, the uncertainty of tomorrow, and how the resulting fear keeps us in check. Now think about how all that could change if you didn’t have to worry about it, if nothing could ever affect you beyond temporary pain. Do you see how that could look like soullessness?’ 

‘So we’re not assholes because we’re vampires, we are assholes because we can get away with it.’ 

‘Pretty much. You, as an individual, don’t have to be, though. It’s a matter of character. You’re young, you haven’t even had the chance to figure out what immortality means to you. You can still love, lose, and everything in between. You have so many firsts ahead of you before you even have to worry about getting bored of anything. You can worry about this stuff later.’ 

Beomgyu lets out a deep breath ‘Thank you, uhh... Archive dude’ 

‘Archivist’ he quickly corrects. 

‘Right. Do we still gotta do that? What’s with the fancy codenames, anyway?’ 

‘They are our formal titles. And no, we don’t, not outside a professional setting. But I am currently working.’ 

‘So mysterious.’ 

‘I’m kidding’ he gets up, stretching his arms over his head and yawning deeply. He turns his back on Beomgyu and starts heading back, but holds the curtain open behind him with one hand before it fully hides his retreating figure ‘You can call me Taehyun.’ 

They part ways for the night, each returning to their rooms until the morning. He feels a little lighter after clearing up some of his doubts, but adjusting to the idea of this new way of living is still going to be a process full of ups and downs.  

His fifth day down there was a Saturday, which meant lighter work for his new acquaintances-turned-friends. The library was still open, so they all helped tidy up upstairs in the morning, but apparently even those working for secret societies had their days off, so they were free to spend the rest of the day as they pleased. Even though it made him feel a little selfish, Beomgyu was silently praying that Soobin didn’t have plans. Luckily, Soobin had no intention of leaving his side. 

The truth is, Beomgyu’s presence was also a welcome change in Soobin’s life. He was grateful for his life and job, enjoying it even for the most part, but he had found that making friends with other people outside of the scope of his work had its fair share of impediments and inconveniences. He was expected to keep a big part of his life a complete secret from everyone, and that had always bothered him to some degree. He was over the moon with the chance to be completely open with someone, specially someone like Beomgyu, who was about his age, lived in the area and happened to be just his type – although he didn’t even know he had one until the boy had walked into his life. There was a gigantic elephant in the room, but Soobin was too excited about his new friend to care about the fact that Beomgyu wasn’t mortal like him.  He couldn’t wait until the investigation was over so he could invite him out for walks together and maybe even take him to his favorite vampire-owned bowling alley. 

They all hung out for a while, music playing in the background while Soobin swept the floor lazily, endearingly moving his hips and bopping his head to the rhythm once in a while. Beomgyu offered up his help, but was told to just relax and wait until the boy was done cleaning up, so he lied on the couch waiting. The other librarian had just left for the day, leaving the two of them alone, and Beomgyu was racking his brain for something they could do together. He didn’t have to come up with much, though, because as soon as he was done sweeping the stairs, Soobin announced he wanted to properly show him the Archive.  

There were thousands of books filling up those shelves, but apparently their client base wasn’t that large, it just so happened that most of them were extremely zealous with their memories, writing them down frequently and extensively. Considering their age, even if they only submitted one journal a year for safekeeping, all of that would still take up a considerable amount of space. Soobin excitedly talked about some of the ones he’d personally read as he transcribed them into digital copies, pointing out his favorites, and their laughter mixed together into a chaotic melody as the stories got progressively crazier. There were also some rows dedicated to research, most of them full of inaccuracies and wild theories, but still very valued for the insight they provided into different and older societies trying to unpack the complex topic.  

After he was done with his improvised tour, Soobin led him into his room claiming he wanted to relax for a bit and bragged about his gaming skills until Beomgyu accepted his dare to play 1v1. They got into heated battles for their pride well into the night, even hitting each other with pillows at times. When Soobin started yawning, Beomgyu softly asked him if it wasn’t getting too late for him, but he simply shook his head and asked for one more game. When that was over, he put their laptops away and slipped into a warm shirt so he could head out for the night, before he suddenly remembered something. 

‘I got you something’ he announced to Beomgyu with a warm smile, before going into the hall to search for it in his bag. When he returned, he stretched his hand out to Beomgyu, placing a simple leather-bound journal into his. ‘It’s not one of ours, this one’s for you. I thought you might want to record your life, too. I’d be happy to keep it.’ 

Beomgyu looked up into his sweet, expectant eyes, and did his very best to thank him, voice coming out barely above a whisper. He opened up the journal and stared at the daunting blank pages, the words stuck in his throat nearly restricting his breathing.  

‘Is something wrong?’ the boy asked, sitting down next to him on the bed and placing a hand on his left shoulder.  

He wanted to lie, wanted to deny it and then tell him how genuinely appreciative he was for the thoughtful gesture, but he was overwhelmed by the weight of the object in his hands, a terrifying reminder that not only was this temporary, but he might one day be faced with the same pages detailing the past few days, missing the boy or even worse, not even able to recall his face. Everything that happened in his life up to this point, good or bad, it made him who he was. Once all that was gone, what would be left of Beomgyu?  

As soon as the tears started streaming, Soobin pulled him into his embrace and encouraged him to speak up, to let it out. Beomgyu did his best to put his feelings into words, and Soobin sighed into his hair as he apologized over and over. 

‘It’s not your fault. I just don’t know how to deal with all of this.’ Beomgyu whispered back. 

‘No, I was careless. You already know about what we do here, I should have assumed that if you were interested in the idea you would just decide to do it for yourself in your own time. It was too soon, wasn’t it? I’m so sorry.’ 

‘It would never be a good time’ he confessed ‘I hate it. I’ll always hate it. I can’t stand the idea of losing everything over and over.’ 

Soobin pulled back a little bit to look at his face again, pouting as he explained ‘I thought maybe the stuff I showed you today might have helped with that. It may seem super weird to imagine a future like that, but as you can see from their records, there are always new stories to tell, they’re always just reinventing themselves.’ 

‘But what if I just want to stay the same? What if I just want to be Beomgyu?’ 

Soobin had no answer to that; he simply pulled him against his figure once again, stroking his messy hair. ‘Forget about the future for a little bit. Right now, you are living for the very first time. Enjoy it.’ 

‘This is so fucked up’ he sucked in another deep breath, feeling a little bit embarrassed about his mental breakdown ‘I’m sorry for all of that.’ 

‘What do you have to be sorry for? I’m the one who’s sorry.’ 

‘I’m sorry I’m a burden to you right now. I understand why you’d never want to be like me.’ 

Soobin extended his comforting strokes down to his back now, holding Beomgyu securely against his shoulder as he pondered over his words ‘What do you mean?’ 

‘I wouldn’t choose this, either. In fact, I’d probably rather die tomorrow than have to watch myself become a monster. That’s what you all think, isn’t it? Right now, I’m just a harmless guy, but one day when I can’t remember any of this, I’ll turn into something unrecognizable. Something inhuman.’ 

‘N-no! Why do you think that? I don’t think you’ll be a monster, Beomgyu.’ 

‘Please, isn’t that what you think of us? Even though the people who brought you up are all immortals, you’d still rather die than turn into one of them, wouldn’t you?’ 

‘And you think it’s because we hate them?’ He was frowning, trying to keep up with his reasoning. 

‘Why else?’ 

Soobin shook his head in resignation, letting out a long sigh. ‘Because we’re cowards, Beomgyu.’ He readjusted his hold on the smaller boy, turning him so they could face each other properly. ‘We are in close contact with these people and their stories every day. We see their suffering, every careful step they have to take to navigate in this world, and watch them in their never-ending cycle of grief and acceptance. The kind of loss they go through is scary, and we can’t compute it in our brains. We hate the idea that we’ll be forcing them to watch us die, too, but we can’t convince ourselves to be brave enough. I’m sorry you had no choice.’ 

‘Ah’ He pondered over the words, feeling a little guilty that his negative mindset had made him carelessly assume things about Soobin and his relationships. He didn’t quite know what to do with the idea that Soobin found him, or rather his condition, pitiful, but he supposed feeling sorry for him was still an upgrade from the concealed hatred he had imagined at first. He shouldn’t have been so quick to accuse him of anything. Of course the mortal had complex feelings about the situation that went way beyond his scope of understanding, and he had no business projecting his insecurities on him when he had been nothing but kind and understanding to him so far.  

Soobin waited quietly, watching him as if he could see the wheels in his brain turn at his explanation. At least it looked like he believed him, which was a relief. 

‘If it’s any consolation, I think you’re making the right decision.’ Beomgyu concluded, and then scooted closer once again. engulfing Soobin in his own frame this time, not wanting to let go. ‘Stay tonight?’ 

Soobin nodded in his embrace, not making any move to pull away for now. Beomgyu didn’t know it yet, but the next morning he’d get a visit from another representative from the Order bringing him the good news of the investigation’s conclusion. There was no danger of anyone coming back for him anymore, so he was free to leave, but by that point he had long decided that he didn’t plan on going anywhere. As he lied against Soobin’s chest that night, lulled by the soft rhythm of his heartbeat, he slept better than he had in years. 

November, 2022  

The next few weeks were a really weird period in Beomgyu’s life. He was going through whirlwinds of emotions as he continuously got introduced to all kinds of new places and other people like him, but all the while he was still supposed to continue showing up to work and keep up the appearances of his old life.  Maintaining that sense of normalcy was quite comforting to him, not wanting his new circumstances to completely upend what he had built for himself, but there was really nothing normal about it. He found himself sitting for long stretches of time in complete silence, since giving himself time to process things quietly was the best way to deal with the dissonance.  

Fortunately, his new life was infinitely easier to navigate thanks to his very own trusty companion. Beomgyu had anxiously wondered if going back to his apartment meant they’d eventually drift apart but, against his unfounded fears, Soobin had further cemented himself in his life as a reliable shoulder to lean on, taking him to some of the places he loved and sometimes even showing up to his workplace to keep him company once in a while.  

The two started taking walks together often, always offering to accompany each other back to their places when it started getting late and, more often than not, ending up sharing the bed. Besides getting very acquainted with both his bed back at the Archive and the one in the apartment across the street, Beomgyu had also committed the feeling of Soobin’s hands in his to memory, always casually swinging their intertwined fingers between them as they explored the city together. Amidst all the recent craziness he had to force himself to accept, the newness of Soobin was the only one that didn’t feel like a burden, and he couldn’t get enough of it. 

Their bond and mutual attraction were no secret to either of them; their choice to not address it was a sort of kindness they extended to each other. As long as the words weren’t spoken, they could keep just keep tiptoeing around it and pretending there wouldn’t be severe implications to their relationship. They had already had that conversation a million times through hesitant glances and soft touches after all, but the minute either of them decided to bring it up, it would be like permanently cutting the fragile rope they had been treading on this whole time.  

As they got closer, the tension got harder and harder to ignore. Soobin felt almost ashamed of his desire at first, thinking that it was cruel to allow himself to become just another thing that Beomgyu was destined to lose. That decision wasn’t solely his to make though, and by now it was quite clear that there was no going back for them. Beomgyu was plagued with fears of his own. He wanted to reassure Soobin that he was willing to set himself up for future hurt so that he could cherish the present with him, that he’d always choose the heartbreak over never having him at all, but he would never dare make the first move, not wanting to pressure him. 

Their mixed feelings kept them in this ridiculous situation for a while, until Soobin was so consumed by his yearning that he could no longer care about being selfish. He convinced himself that, in the long run, he would eventually be no more than a mere blink in Beomgyu’s immenseness. In other words, he’d get over it, over him. Getting him for a couple years would be like gathering a few drops of his ocean in a cup, but much more significant for Soobin, who’d hopefully be able to remember the feeling of his touch until his last days. He just wanted it, he wanted it so bad, and he was tired of rationalizing it only to pull back from it out of fear.  

On a chilly November evening, they were sitting in a park bench, huddled close together. Soobin had a really tiring day, having spent hours helping out with library stock, and his muscles were sore from carrying the heavy boxes around. Beomgyu was making fun of him and his complaints in a funny voice, letting out loud yelps as Soobin playfully hit his arm, but continuing to push his buttons with a mocking pout. 

‘Stooop’ Soobin whined, lightly shoving him again. 

Beomgyu didn’t budge ‘What are you gonna do about it, uh? Kill me?’ he smirked cockily. 

‘Funny’ Soobin deadpanned. 

‘FuNnY’  

‘I don’t even sound like that!’  

Before Beomgyu could reply, Soobin reached for his hood, pulling it over his head and tightly pulling on the strings until only his nose stuck out from the scrunched up fabric. He tried to pull it looser with his hands, but Soobin was still holding on to the strings in his closed fist, laughing as he struggled. He managed to free his mouth, getting ready to jokingly scold him and get his revenge, but Soobin quickly covered his lips with his own. He didn’t get a chance to react before Soobin pulled on his strings again and shot up from the bench, taking off in a run as he laughed maniacally.  

As soon as he could see again, Beomgyu dashed behind him, crashing into his tall figure and attempting to cage him in his arms so he could attack him with vicious tickles. Soobin wiggled out of his grip and ruffled his hair, laughing without a care in the world. Shivering a bit from the cold, they walked arm in arm to Beomgyu’s apartment. It’s been long since they stopped even trying to come up for an excuse to spend the night together, so Soobin knew he was welcome to strut in after Beomgyu. He closed the door behind them and casually headed to the room.  

‘Lie down’ Beomgyu commanded sweetly, helping Soobin shrug off his coat ‘I’ll give you a massage.’ 

Soobin was getting used to their domesticity, and although it was annoying that he didn’t get to meaningfully reciprocate in the same measure, he enjoyed the way he got pampered every time he got sick or tired. Still, he didn’t expect the way Beomgyu unceremoniously joined him on the bed and climbed over him, immediately starting to knead his tight muscles to relieve them of some of the tension from the strenuous work he had put them through today. 

Soobin shamelessly moaned in relief at the satisfying feeling of the knots untying in his back. He relished in the sweet sound of Beomgyu’s giggles in response to his reaction, clearly feeling proud of his skills. Chills spread over his entire body as the feeling of Beomgyu’s warm hands working their magic on his back was soon joined by tentative feather-light kisses, peppered all over his neck and shoulders. He tried his best to keep his breathing even and simply relax into the touch, but he couldn’t take it anymore, suddenly turning his body over and pulling the boy down onto his lap. Noticing the look in his eyes, Beomgyu didn’t waste any time, happily straddling him and throwing his arms around his neck for stability. 

They had been this close before, but they hadn’t shared any kisses until tonight, when Soobin had so casually crossed that line. As Beomgyu saw it, that first tenuous boundary being broken was like the green light he had been waiting for, the decisive moment that dictated where their relationship was headed. He had left the timing up to Soobin, been more than willing to wait as long as it took, but now that it was over and done with, he wasn’t interested in treating every next step of their life together with the same amount of caution. As far as he was concerned, any moves were now fair game. 

‘Are you sure about this?’ Soobin asked, holding on to the very last scraps still left of his self-restraint. He had been a little impulsive before, acting out on his attraction in the moment without much regard to the implications he knew the kiss would have for the other boy, and now that Beomgyu was reciprocating his energy, he had to make sure they weren’t both acting on impulse and making a stupid mistake. 

Beomgyu responded with an annoyed huff, not wanting to start addressing any of their unspoken thoughts and worries right now of all times ‘What else is there to do? I already love you. Too late to run.’  

That was more than enough confirmation for Soobin.  

December, 2022  

‘Stay still!’ Beomgyu wrapped his legs around the tall boy, pulling him closer and trying to lock him in place. 

‘You’re going to make it worse.’ he whined, but didn’t try to pull away, adjusting his grip on Beomgyu’s hips to keep him from sliding down from his precarious position on top of the bathroom sink.  

‘I’m noooot, I watched a tutorial on Youtube this time.’ he proudly announced, confidently holding the kitchen scissors to Soobin’s uneven bangs.  

Beomgyu had attempted to help him give himself a haircut a week ago, but he had denied needing any assistance. After that, Soobin had been complaining about his sideburns looking too short and weird, even wearing a hat out most days to hide his poor work, and now that his hair had been growing back in for a few days it was also clear that one side was longer than the other.  

‘I told you to let me help last week’ Beomgyu teased ‘Stay still and let me work my magic.’ 

‘Why do I have a feeling you’re gonna be worse at this than me?’ 

‘You are a man of little faith.’ Beomgyu tutted disapprovingly. 

Soobin sighed in acceptance, standing still as his boyfriend continued trying to even out his front pieces, humming out a tune in a suspiciously relaxed manner. He tried to complain again, but Beomgyu just shushed him and begged him to trust him. After he was done, he tilted his head to observe his handywork, tousling it slightly for a more natural look. Then, he crossed his arms and puffed out his chest with a beaming smile before he ducked slightly to the side so Soobin could face the mirror and inspect the results. 

‘See? It looks great.’ he gushed proudly. 

‘I still look like I shouldn’t be allowed in public spaces.’  

‘You’ve got yourself to blame for that. I did a great job, but I’m not a miracle worker.’ 

Fed up with the teasing, Soobin held the boy still, caging him in his arms as he roughly sucked on his neck for a few seconds, only pulling away to watch as the reddened spot on his skin faded back into nothing. 

Beomgyu hit his shoulder in fake annoyance. ‘I suppose I’m not allowed to do the same back, uh? The double standards in this relationship make me sick.’ 

‘I’ve got to look presentable at work.’ 

‘No, of course. What would the single other guy you work with down in a dusty basement think?’ 

‘Hey, I’ve got work upstairs too.’ 

‘Didn’t think about that when you gave yourself that haircut.’ 

‘Too soon.’ 

‘Sorry, I’ll bring it up again in a few months, then.’ 

Soobin rolled his eyes and took a step back, helping Beomgyu down from the sink. 

‘Careful with the hair, let me go get the broom.’ 

‘Yes, sir.’ Beomgyu stepped around the strands that had drifted down onto the floor and dusted off the ones sticking to his shirt and lap. 

As Soobin busied himself cleaning the bathroom floor, Beomgyu slipped away for a few seconds and returned with a blue box in his hands, shyly holding it out. Soobin balanced the broom against the wall after gathering the hair into a corner and took the small box from him, turning it in his hands in curiosity. 

‘What’s this?’ 

‘A gift for you, duh.’ 

‘What’s the occasion?’ 

‘Happy belated birthday, baby.’ 

Soobin’s face reddened slightly. He figured this was going to happen eventually, but he was feeling a bit more ashamed about this than he expected to ‘How did you find out?’  

‘Taehyun asked me if we did anything fun for your birthday a couple days ago.’ 

Soobin rubbed his neck awkwardly. He didn’t know how he was going to justify his stupid decision not to tell him, but Beomgyu didn’t ask. 

‘Open it!’ he encouraged with a warm smile.  

He opened the box to reveal a simple bracelet. As he picked it up to examine it, he discovered it had a nice weight to it, and it felt quite nice.  

‘Is this real silver?’ he wondered out loud, turning it under the light. 

‘Yes, because you’re my weakness.’ Beomgyu joked, smirking proudly. 

Soobin shook his head in amusement, slipping the bracelet onto his wrist and holding it out to Beomgyu so that he could help him secure the clasp. ‘You’re not even affected by silver.’ 

‘Whatever, did you want me to gift you the terrifying weight of immortality? They were out of stock.’ 

Soobin pouted in response, pulling the boy closer to thank him with a quick kiss. 

‘You didn’t have to.’ 

‘You mean you didn’t want me to.’ Beomgyu whispered, a hint of hurt in his tone, before quickly adding ‘It’s fine. If you don’t want to talk about it, we don’t have to.’ 

‘It was stupid...’ he conceded. ‘I just hate bringing up the age topic.’ 

Beomgyu simply scoffed, shaking his head softly. He didn’t look mad, but he had a certain look of disbelief.  

‘So it was because of me? I thought maybe you just hated celebrating because you had a terrible run of bad birthdays growing up or something. You’re an idiot, Soobin.’ 

‘I’m really sorry. I got too in my head about it and then it was too late to bring it up without it being weird.’  

Beomgyu took his hands into his own, swinging them between the two of them for a moment, giving himself some time to come up with his response. 

‘You’re right, watching you grow kinda sucks, because of that greedy little part of me that wishes we were doing it together. But it’s not like you’re gonna be able to avoid it, Soobin. It’s happening right before my eyes every day. And you know what? I’m just gonna suck it up, because I plan on staying by your side for as long as you’ll let me.’ 

Soobin closes the gap between them and carefully cradles Beomgyu’s head against his neck, letting out a sigh of relief mixed with sad resignation. ‘What are we gonna do for your birthdays?’ 

‘I don’t know. I should probably just keep celebrating them. They are still going to mark my years on Earth, even if the face stops matching the number.’ 

‘Okay, good.’  

‘Great, now get off my face, I gotta pee.’ 

‘I haven’t finished sweeping the hair off the floor.’ 

‘Well you’ve got 30 seconds or we’re gonna have to check the guide to find out if pee can turn someone too.’ 

‘I don’t know what the fuck you’re trying to imply by that, but I don’t wanna know. But it probably can, by the way.’ 

‘Can’t have anything in this house.’ 

‘You’re gross.’ 

‘What? What if I wanted to pee in a pool? Now I’m a health hazard.’ 

‘Grown ass man by the way.’ Soobin grabs the broom and starts to properly gather the hair on the floor, sweeping it into the dustpan. 

Beomgyu makes a show of slowly pulling down his zipper, wiggling his eyebrows at him. Soobin gives him a deadpan look before heading back to the kitchen to dump the hair out. 

November, 2023  

Beomgyu is bored out of his mind at work. The weather outside is particularly hostile today and the wind whistling through the closed doors and windows creates an eerie symphony in the store as he reorganizes the shelves and straightens up the records for the thousandth time. He’s starting to consider wiping down every individual CD in the crates when the owner comes back in from outside, cursing in a low tone about how some idiot drove over a puddle and dirtied his pants. Then, as if suddenly remembering he’s not alone, he sheepishly greets the boy and asks him how his morning’s going. 

‘Slow day.’ Beomgyu lazily leans against the counter ‘I already packed the online orders, but the carrier is late, he’ll probably only swing by later. They’re in the first drawer.’ 

‘Alright, well.’ The man sits down on a slightly uneven wooden stool, taking off his shoes to examine his sopping wet socks with a sigh, before putting them back on. After checking his wristwatch, he speaks up again ‘You can go now if you want, I doubt there’s any actual work to get done around here today. My son’s coming by soon, anyway.’  

Beomgyu thanks him and bows politely before going to grab his jacket and umbrella from behind the counter. As he’s checking the time to see if he can make it to the bus stop for the earliest schedule, his name is called out again. 

‘Ah, I forgot to let you know, yesterday someone called the store asking about you. I told her you weren’t in, but she just wanted to know if you still work here.’ 

‘She...?’ he mumbles, confused. There is no doubt in his mind about who he must be referring to, but Beomgyu’s pretty sure he’s never told her where he worked. Beomgyu evened out his voice and tried to sound as natural as possible as he reassured the owner he must have just forgotten to call someone back, brushing it off.  

He hopped on the next bus, fixing his hair from the gushes of wind that tangled it as he ran across the street. He got in just in time to miss the first drops of rain, but they quickly turned into a real downpour, and even though he shielded himself with his umbrella as soon as he stepped off at his stop, the wind still made sure to whip ice cold raindrops against his hair and face on his short walk up to the library entrance.  

Soobin is upstairs, engaged in conversation with the lady behind the counter. Spotting Beomgyu by the door, he waves him in with a smile and motions for him to bring his umbrella in too so he can keep it back there and avoid risking it getting taken by another customer.  

‘Did you get off earlier today too?’ 

‘Yeah, the weather’s keeping everyone inside anyway, nothing to do over there on days like this’ he replies unenthusiastically. Soobin gives him a once-over, gaze flickering over his features in concern, but Beomgyu shrugs it off ‘I’m fine, tell you about it in a second. Can I use your hairdryer?’ 

‘Of course, go on down, I’ll just be a sec too’  

‘Hmhm, alright.’ Beomgyu gives him a quick peck on the cheek and heads for the door at the back.  

On his way down the stairs, he spots Taehyun’s head buried in some book on the table closest to him and prepares to walk over to him to greet him, but he’s surprised to spot someone else sitting at the farthest table as well. The stranger is holding a phone sideways in both hands, bent forward as he puts his whole focus onto the screen, so that Beomgyu can only see his messy golden locks from this angle. As he reaches the last step, he clears his throat and announces his presence with a polite hello.  

‘Hey’ Taehyun greets back, momentarily putting down his glasses on the table as he rises to approach Beomgyu. He engulfs him in a friendly side hug and brings him closer to the table, pulling out a chair for him, and suddenly remembers their company, who is now shyly looking up at them in silence ‘Oh, right. This is Beomgyu. Beomgyu, this is Hueningkai.’ 

The shy boy nods once in acknowledgement, telling him that it’s nice to meet him in a polite tone, and then goes back to what Beomgyu assumes is a game on his phone. He lets his gaze linger on the boy’s features for a few seconds, taking in his sweet, angel-like appearance. Taehyun motions once again for him to sit but Beomgyu shakes his head and simply points his thumb at the curtains behind them. 

‘I’m just gonna go dry my hair real quick. Be right back.’ 

He heads to the familiar room, hangs his coat on a hanger behind the door and barely has time to go grab the hairdryer before Soobin is coming in and closing the bedroom door behind him. He sits and waits on the bed until Beomgyu is done with the noisy task, and then sweetly approaches him with a back hug, asking if there’s something bothering him.  

Distracted by the new face at the Archive, Beomgyu had almost forgotten about the thing at the shop ‘Oh, yeah, don’t worry. It’s just... something weird happened at work.’ 

‘Trouble with a customer?’ 

‘No. Apparently, someone phoned in yesterday to ask about me’ he starts, pulling on Soobin lightly to sit down on the bed with him ‘I think my mom is looking for me.’ 

‘I thought she didn’t know where you were staying at this time.’ 

‘She didn’t. Last time, she looked at my bank statements and found me at the grocery store I used to work at, but I’ve moved to a different district and got more careful. New number, new bank, new everything.’ 

‘What did she want the last time?’ Soobin reaches out for one of his hands and softly plays with his fingers.  

Beomgyu rolls his eyes at the memory ‘My brother was getting married, she just wanted to personally make sure I knew and confirm I was attending.’ 

‘You didn’t go, did you?’ Soobin tilts his head in thought, trying to remember if Beomgyu had ever brought up a wedding. 

‘Hell no. And that woman is delusional for ever thinking I’d be willing to play happy family for a whole day just so she could save face. Although... If I had you back then, I would have loved to show up with you on my arm.’ Beomgyu flashes him a devious smile. 

‘To give your folks a stroke?’ 

‘Oh, the rumors would chase them around forever. Serves them right.’ 

Soobin knocks their shoulders together softly, planting a kiss on the side of his face, but the playful mood doesn’t last long ‘What do you think she wants now?’ 

‘Don’t know, don’t care. But I don’t like the idea of her snooping around. I don’t want to have to switch jobs again.’ 

Soobin squeezes his hand reassuringly. ‘Alright, well, if it comes to something like that, the Order’s got you covered.’  

Beomgyu nods, although he can’t say he’s too interested in all the mysticism surrounding a life in service of the underground community. He’d like to enjoy his old life for as long as possible before he had to consider requesting their help. 

‘On that note, who’s the kid?’ 

‘Uh?’ 

‘Blondie hanging out with Taehyun. Is he...?’ 

‘You mean Kai?’ Soobin turns slightly and sits closer, propping one of Beomgyu’s legs over his own so that he’s half-sitting on his lap. ‘Yeah.’ 

‘Newly infected? Or is that an old ass man sitting in that chair looking like an innocent angel?’ 

Soobin snorts and shakes his head ‘Just a couple months ago, I think.’ 

‘Jesus, he looks even younger than me. Is he one of you guys? Like, raised by the community?’ 

‘Not at all. In fact, I think he braved it out there on his own for a few weeks before he was even detected. He must have been scared shitless.’ 

‘Well, I was’ Beomgyu confesses ‘There’s something weirdly scary about being at your best when you feel at your worst. Anyway, what’s he doing here?’ 

‘He asked for a transfer here. I think he might be in the process of severing, but it takes a minute to get the whole new identity thing sorted, so he’s probably staying down here for a few days. Although I think Taehyun might be up to something.’ 

‘What do you mean?’ 

‘We’ve got proper safehouses for this type of thing, but I think Taehyun personally requested that he stay here. Something about how we could use some more help down here.’ 

‘You could. You’re always rushing to get shit done and then still spend half of your days off tidying up around here. But what’s this about a proper safehouse, uh? I also just stayed here.’  

Soobin shrugs ‘I asked for it.’ 

‘You what?’ Beomgyu flashes him a teasing smile. 

‘You were scared and confused. I thought you might have a hard time coming to terms with what happened all alone in some random house. Besides, you had to get acquainted with a lot of new stuff, but no one’s allowed to take the guide with them beyond these four walls, there’s too much risk of exposure. So when I called to report your case, I told them we’d take you in.’ 

‘Interesting.’  

‘Shut up, don’t tease me about it.’ 

‘I’m not’ he intertwines their fingers together, turning their hands to place a kiss on the back of Soobin’s hand ‘Thank you for doing that.’ 

Soobin captures his lips in a sweet kiss, using his free hand to cup Beomgyu’s chin and tuck some loose hair strands behind his ear. Beomgyu pulls him in closer, sitting properly on his lap now, but Soobin pulls away after a few seconds. 

‘Sorry, baby, I still have stuff to get done.’ 

‘Of course you do.’ Beomgyu pouts but slides off his boyfriend’s lap obediently. ‘Then I guess I’m gonna hang out with the guys.’ 

Soobin headed upstairs again, and Beomgyu joined the other boys in the entrance hall. They were still just sat at the tables like before, but now they seemed to be engaged in a casual chat, exchanging surprised and interested glances back and forth as they spoke. As he approached, Beomgyu realized they were probably sharing personal anecdotes, a famously effective method of breaking the ice. 

He felt bad for interrupting, but neither of them seemed to mind as he quietly sat down next to Taehyun, listening to him tell the story of how Soobin had nearly started an electrical fire once when he brought a faulty extension cable to the Archive. Beomgyu giggles as he recalls the way Soobin himself had previously told him about it, his exaggerated expressions and frenzied hand movements always contributing to making his stories sound ten times more dramatic.  

Joining in on the fun dynamic, Beomgyu also brings up a few funny moments from his past, and soon they are all comfortably talking like old friends. He’s curious to know more about Kai and what sort of chain of events could have led him here today, wondering if his story was similar to his at all, but he stays away from the topic, not wanting to bring down the mood now that they were all having a good time.  

After a while, Taehyun sighs and gets up to pitifully excuse himself out of the conversation, claiming he’s got a ton of stuff to label since the library had received a sizeable donation of books recently. Soobin had been registering them in the system, but Taehyun was way behind on his part, so he couldn’t afford to keep putting it off. Having nothing better to do, both boys immediately offer up their help, which he accepts with genuine gratitude. 

Continuing their lighthearted conversation, the three boys spend a lovely afternoon sitting down in a circle in the midst of seemingly endless piles of books, dutifully applying stickers to each of their spines and occasionally taking sips out of their canned sodas. As far as work goes, this wasn’t too bad. 

When it’s finally time for the library upstairs to close its doors for the day, Soobin comes down to join them and, spotting them still all bent, engaged in the monotonous task, urges them to put the books away and leave the rest of the work for another time, suggesting they all go out to grab some dinner together. They walk to a BBQ place a few blocks away and the chats are kept to a minimum while they all happily get their fill of the delicious food, but they chat animatedly about their favorite games on the way back, taking three times as much on the walk back, full stomachs and good conversation slowing them down to a leisurely pace.  

Soobin and Beomgyu walk close together, bumping shoulders once in a while, and naturally take the front when the sidewalk gets too narrow for all of them to walk side by side. As a particularly chilly breeze blows in their direction, Soobin pulls his boyfriend closer, tucking him protectively under his arm and placing a soft kiss on top of his messy hair. Beomgyu snakes his arm tighter around Soobin’s waist and squeezes him tenderly as a gesture of gratitude. 

Watching in mild surprise from behind, the blond boy instinctively opens his mouth to pose a question, turning slightly to Taehyun. The boy is already looking up at him, smiling with an amused expression, and he awkwardly shuts his mouth, forgetting the words he intended to direct at him.  

Shaking his head and letting out a small chuckle, Taehyun speaks up first ‘Right, I forgot to give you some context. Must have slipped my mind. Those two are a couple.’ 

That much had been made clear to Kai, but he was still frowning in confusion, thinking back to what Taehyun had mentioned before about the two guys walking in front of them ‘But aren’t they...?’ he doesn’t finish the question, but the reason for his perplexity is fairly obvious. 

‘A mortal and a vampire, yes.’ Taehyun clarifies. 

‘Oh, okay.’ There are still a few questions swimming around in his mind, but he figures it might be rude to dwell on the topic. 

Sensing his hesitation, Taehyun speaks up again ‘It felt kinda strange to me too, at first, but it doesn’t seem so reckless or weird once you put it into perspective. Most things you choose to pursue have uncertain prospects, anyway. You can never really control anything, even if you try your best to avoid pain. At the end of the day, might as well still enjoy the things that end.’ 

‘I guess you’re right, everything ends one way or the other. You either lose it after you take that chance or you lose it before you can.’ 

‘Exactly.’  

The two share a timid look of understanding, walking almost imperceptibly closer together now, their hands at risk of accidentally brushing as they swing back and forth between them. 

It’s almost eleven in the evening when they get back to the building. They hang out in the hall of the Archive, trying to decide if they should watch a movie or grab their laptops for a gaming session. Taehyun quietly offers up his room to Kai, telling him he doesn’t mind spending some nights at the apartment, but Kai shakes his head and explains he doesn’t really get much sleep these days, so he’d be more than satisfied with just the couch.  

‘Are you sure? You might still want some privacy or something more comfortable to relax on.’ 

‘It’s okay, no need to make special arrangements for me.’ 

Taehyun doesn’t insist, although he’d be much more pleased if Kai had been more willing to receive his hospitality, nodding in response ‘Alright. Well, in that case, if you need anything, you can come to me anytime.’ 

‘And he really does mean any time,’ Beomgyu adds with a chuckle ‘he’s no stranger to late night calls.’ 

Taehyun responds with an exasperated sigh, before nodding his head in agreement ‘Sadly true.’ 

Taehyun’s plan works out better than he had expected, and Hueningkai’s new crafted identity conveniently allows him to join the team at the Archive, which in turn results in a much more balanced task distribution for the Keeper and the Archivist. Sadly for the new hire though, they don’t come up with a cool nickname for his role, jokingly referring to him as the Spare most of the time. Fallen into a comfortable routine of cooperative work and even more shared meals, the months just seem to fly by without any hitch. 

On another uneventful night, when they come back from a quick trip to a convenience store for some food, they decide to pass the time by trying their hand at some co-op games, setting out to rearrange the chairs around the table so that everyone can have a view of the screen, when Soobin’s phone suddenly vibrates in his pocket with an unexpected call. His face is a mixture of surprise and intrigue as he brings the phone up to his ear and picks up. 

‘Hello?’ he pauses to listen attentively to the voice on the other side, his face starting to light up as he registers the words ‘Really? I thought you were still in the States! Yeah, yeah, give me a minute, I’ll come right up.’ 

Soobin barely has the time to mumble out a quick ‘be right back’ before he’s shooting back up the stairs. Beomgyu and Kai share a look of confusion, while Taehyun is starting to look like an anxious kitten, lightly scratching the surface of the table with his fingernail in deep thought. The atmosphere of uncertainty doesn’t last very long, though.  

This time, when the door that leads back to the library opens back up, one more figure comes through, slowly descending the stairs while engaging in a pleasant conversation with Soobin. The boys tilt their heads slightly to peek up at the stairs, trying to get a good look at the visitor. Taehyun quickly rises from his chair and tries to act natural as he nervously wipes his hands on his jeans and leans against the table, his open palm on the surface supporting his weight.  

Beomgyu didn’t know what he was expecting, but he was mildly surprised as he examined the boy coming down the stairs with his boyfriend, the two seeming very comfortable with each other. He wasn’t necessarily jealous, but he was definitely intrigued. His eyes were glued to him as he reaches the last step and casually waves his hand as a greeting. 

‘Hey,’ he looks around and offers a sheepish smile ‘full house tonight I see, hope I’m not interrupting anything.’ he adds. 

Soobin reassures him there is no special occasional, just a regular hang out, and quickly sets out to introduce everyone. He introduces Beomgyu as his boyfriend, which gets him a cute, satisfied smirk from the boy, and also points out that Kai is a recent addition to the group, before finally putting a name to the new face ‘And this is Yeonjun.’ 

‘Nice to meet you.’ he greets politely, and then sets his sights on Taehyun, smirking at him ‘What’s up with you, Tyunnie? Where’s my greeting?’ 

Taehyun stutters awkwardly but gives up on finding something cool to say as the two draw closer and share a hug. ‘Hi, Yeonjun. Long time no see.’ 

Yeonjun pulls back after a couple seconds, holding the boy by the shoulders and briefly scanning him ‘You’ve gotten bigger. Almost didn’t recognize you.’ 

Taehyun takes a seat and motions for Yeonjun to pull out a chair for himself ‘You’re exaggerating. It’s only been two years.’ 

‘A lot can change in two years.’ 

‘For some of us, yeah.’ 

‘Hey, I’ve changed too.’ 

‘Your hair has.’ 

‘You like it?’ He smirks, amused, running a hand through his messy dirty blond hair, which, paired with his relaxed style and pierced ears, gave him a sort of effortlessly cool vibe. 

Beomgyu doesn’t catch the reply. Curiously watching the interaction, he had suddenly felt a full body chill as the boy’s teasing smile allowed for a glimpse at what he is sure were razor-sharp fangs. He recalls what Soobin told him about them, how they could be perceived by certain groups nowadays, and he wonders what could have led this guy to choose to get them. 

Beomgyu feels Hueningkai awkwardly shift in his seat nearby, probably feeling a little bit uncomfortable at the sudden, almost sexual tension that the new guy naturally seemed to bring into the room. When Beomgyu focuses on the two guys holding a conversation again, Yeonjun is pulling something out from his bag and throwing it to Taehyun, who barely manages to catch it mid-air. It looks like some sort of syringe, the liquid inside hard to describe, blood-red but with a brighter, more liquid consistency.  

‘Help me out, will you?’ 

Taehyun blinks a few times in astonishment, his face reddening slightly. He asks him if he’s being serious at least twice, sighing in resignation as Yeonjun just keeps nodding at him with a sly smile ‘Fine. Where?’ 

‘Anywhere you can reach.’ 

Taehyun shakes his head once more in disbelief, but motions for him to come closer and reaches for his arm. When Yeonjun swats him away, claiming he doesn’t like the feeling of doing it there and raising his shirt slightly to reveal a patch of his stomach, Taehyun simply accepts his fate at last and and kneels in front of the boy. Looking up at him with an exasperated gaze, Taehyun holds the readied syringe in one hand and props up Yeonjun’s shirt with the other. He removes the needle cap with his mouth, holding it between his teeth as he carefully administers the injection. 

Hueningkai and Beomgyu exchange equally bewildered side glances, silently watching the interaction play out like they just walked into the wrong room at the movies, but it was too late to leave now.  

Soobin lets out a chuckle ‘You need to stop teasing him so much.’ 

‘I’m not teasing him, I just appreciate a little help from time to time.’ 

‘Right...’ Soobin retorts, sarcasm dripping from his tone. ‘Come on, let’s chat in the Archive.’ 

The questions surrounding this guy keep piling up, and Beomgyu makes a mental note to ask Soobin about him later. He watches as they slip away behind the curtain and hopes this guy’s visit isn’t some sort of omen. He really can’t handle any more crazy in this lifetime. 

The two chat for a little over half an hour, while the rest of the boys squeeze close together to watch each other play a ridiculously frustrating game. They are yelling and playfully hitting each other after completing a particularly difficult level when Soobin speaks up from behind them, announcing he’s calling it a night.  

‘Yeonjun, feel free to take my room if you’d like some rest. We’ll be heading to Beomgyu’s apartment.’ 

‘Alright, man. Thanks for your help. You guys have a good night.’ 

The two embrace in a parting hug, and then Soobin is taking Beomgyu’s hand in his own to drag him out with him. Beomgyu wants to protest so he can stay and play for a little longer, but he knows Soobin needs his rest, so he intertwines their fingers together and waves the boys goodbye on their way out. 

‘So...’ Beomgyu starts after a couple minutes of walking together. 

‘You wanna know what that was about.’ Soobin completes his sentence. 

‘You read my mind. Is he an old friend?’ 

‘Yes. He sought refuge in the local community two years ago, before he moved to the US.’ 

‘And he’s... just visiting?’ 

‘He was, yeah, but then he heard about new young guys being turned fairly recently and he wanted to check it out, scope out if there was something suspicious going on. He just wanted to ask about you and Kai.’ 

‘And?’ 

‘I don’t think there’s any big conspiracy going on. I told him you were just attacked by a lone rogue who ran off scared because he thought he killed you before the blood could work on you. I don’t really know exactly what happened to Kai, though, he’s been under Taehyun’s care so far and I haven’t gotten around to ask. I told him he’s free to poke around for his info if it soothes his doubts, as long as he doesn’t freak the poor guy out.’ 

‘What kind of stuff does he think could be happening over here? I mean, doesn’t the Order have everything under control?’ 

‘It’s not like they’d tell you if they didn’t. You can’t let fear spread if you want to keep the peace. But I told you, I don’t really think there’s anything going on. He’s just apprehensive.’ 

‘About what kind of stuff, though?’ He presses once again. 

Soobin sighs, but doesn’t try to back away from the topic ‘Illegal rings and the like. It’s much rarer nowadays, but there used to be all sorts of crazy stuff going on in the underground communities. Since you still need to make money when you’re a vampire, some people got a little creative with their business endeavors. Brothels, fight clubs, trafficking. They run mostly with mortals, since they are easily disposable. If you get caught, you just fake your own death, start somewhere else.’ 

‘Okay, well, using regular humans makes sense. What do you even get from turning people?’ 

‘Now? You get your ass Obliviated by the Order. But if things were like back then, you could be of use to some sickos. Be an errand boy for their risky missions if you’re lucky. Or a torture puppet if you’re not.’ 

Beomgyu feels sick at the idea of being kidnapped, stripped of your mortality and given an almost supernatural ability to withstand pain, only to be tortured forever in order to entertain sick perverts ‘That’s fucking crazy. But it’s all over now, right?’ His tone is hopeful. 

‘It is over here. But just two years ago, Yeonjun blew the whistle on an operation in Jeju Island. That’s why he needed to seek protection under the Order. They even shipped him off to another continent to keep him safe.’ 

‘Holy shit.’ 

‘Yeah.’ 

‘What kind of operation?’ 

‘I didn’t ask for details. Seems like a sensitive topic.’ 

‘Yeah... how long was he involved with them for?’ 

‘Not that long, he can’t be over what, 23? 24? Anyways, he said he got approached by them when he was 16. Yeonjun grew up in foster care, so when someone came along offering some real cash for his services, he took it. I think he just rode around in his bike dropping off packages or something at first. Then, when he turned 20, they infected him.’ 

‘Lovely birthday gift’ he scoffs, feeling his stomach turn at the story of the guy’s life ‘I’m glad he got away.’ 

Soobin nods in agreement, holding Beomgyu’s hand a little tighter. 

‘Hey, uh. What was that thing for? The one he asked Taehyun to help with.’  

‘Their insurance policy’ Beomgyu shot him a confused look, but Soobin continued ‘It’s a suppressant. Yeonjun was infected with a specific strand, and he needs that stuff to keep cool.’ 

‘What the fuck?’ 

‘That’s how they keep them loyal. That stuff has been around for ages, to control the worse strands and prevent them from spreading, but Yeonjun and the other poor kids didn’t know that. They thought staying would be the only way to insure they had access to it.’ 

‘How did Yeonjun find out about the scheme?’ 

‘He didn’t – not until he got here, at least. He didn’t come here to ask for that, he came here expecting to be locked up somewhere. He just wanted to escape, even if it meant he couldn’t have more suppressants.’ 

‘Wow.’ They left it at that for the night, walking the last couple minutes left until they reached Beomgyu’s apartment in comfortable silence.  

As soon as they had stepped in, Soobin had wasted no time, promptly heading to the bedroom to change out of his clothes so he could get some much-needed sleep. Beomgyu, however, was still standing in the small living room, staring down at the floor. He let out a frustrated groan as he picked up the small note someone had slid under his door, already taking an accurate guess at the contents inside before he even got around to opening it. 

‘She can’t be serious’ Beomgyu stutters out, dropping the note on his bed as he starts to take his clothes off, frustration evident in his suddenly aggressive movements. 

‘What’s going on?’  

‘She was here. Left me a note asking me to call back.’ He points at the flimsily folded piece of paper. 

‘What are you going to do?’ Soobin’s voice is now laced with concern, and he pulls Beomgyu close so he can try to provide some physical comfort. 

‘I don’t know. I’m so fucking mad. Just the thought of my parents showing up to my doorstep makes me want to break something. They should have just taken the hint when I didn’t call back the first time.’  

‘We can stay somewhere else’ Soobin whispers softly, holding his body close ‘Don’t let them upset you anymore, okay? I can call tomorrow, if you want. I’ll tell them you’re not interested in talking to them again.’ 

‘That’s alright, I can tell them myself.’ Beomgyu takes a deep breath, nuzzling up against his lover’s neck, feeling the anger slowly turn into pesky annoyance and, at last, acceptance ‘Thank you, though.’ 

‘Why? I know you don’t want to.’ 

‘I’ll be damned if I let them anywhere near you. I’m used to their bullshit, I can take it.’ 

Soobin frowns, ready to argue he’s also more than capable of handling it if needed, but Beomgyu simply covers his mouth with his hand, begging him not to insist with his sad puppy eyes. Soobin rolls his eyes and nods, silently agreeing to his request. 

Almost a whole hour later, Beomgyu finally falls asleep on his chest, like a dragon nestled over his pile of gold, and only then does the poor exhausted mortal allow himself to rest as well. 

A few days later, Beomgyu decides to bite the bullet and call using the phone at the shop, still very resistant to the idea of his parents getting access to his private number. His father is the one who picks up, and the conversation goes about as he expected, barely disguised passive aggressiveness exchanged back and forth from both sides for a couple minutes until he finally gets to the point. Beomgyu is used to their not-so-subtle attempts at guilt tripping him into doing whatever they want for them, but he’s shocked to hear their reasoning this time.  

He’s still feeling a little shaken up by the end of his shift, barely able to register the sounds of the busy city around him and almost forgetting to pay attention to the traffic as he crossed the familiar streets that led back to the library. 

He just wanted to lie down and relax for a bit, so he was headed straight for the door at the back when he heard his name being called somewhere to his left. He looked around briefly, making sure there weren’t any customers around, and joined Soobin behind the bookshelf he was currently organizing. The two greeted each other with a sweet kiss and briefly talked about their day as usual before he left the boy to continue his work and headed downstairs.  

He expected to find Taehyun sitting at his usual spot at the table, but as he descended the stairs, he found the hall empty. It gave the space an unusually cold vibe, but since Yeonjun had been staying in Soobin’s room for the time being, he decided the velvet couch in the corner would have to do. Before he threw himself over the comfortable cushions, he moved towards the curtains, intending to announce his presence to Taehyun. He wasn’t sure whether the boy was even around or if he had gone out, but as soon as he parted the heavy drapery to slip through, the easily recognizable voices of Yeonjun and Taehyun echoed over in his direction, aided by the unusual acoustics of the room.  

‘He looks just like him these days, it’s uncanny.’ The boys are bent over an open hardcover book, shoulders touching as they peer at a picture, too distracted to take notice of Beomgyu’s steps bringing him closer and closer. 

‘Soobin’s probably going to look way more handsome, though.’ Taehyun notes casually, tilting his head to get a better look at the man’s features. 

‘What are you talking about?’ Beomgyu’s voice rings out from behind the two distracted boys, startling them, and Yeonjun quickly shuts the book in his hand. They stare back at him in silence, so he steps closer ‘ Who does he look like?’ 

Beomgyu hadn’t immediately assumed the worst at first, simply curious about their conversation, but their reaction had been a dead giveaway that he might not have just walked into a session of harmless gossip.  

Taehyun is the first to speak up, clearing his throat awkwardly ‘Uhm, it’s nothing, we were just comparing him to a picture of this random guy.’ 

Beomgyu simply squints his eyes at him, giving him a chance to amend his answer before he escalated the situation to an actual interrogation. Sensing the tension in the room, Yeonjun takes a small step towards Beomgyu, almost shielding Taehyun behind him. Beomgyu resists the temptation to roll his eyes at them, getting annoyed about the lack of a straightforward answer. 

‘He doesn’t need a bodyguard, Yeonjun’ he snorts ‘I’m not gonna do anything to him.’ 

Seemingly agreeing, Taehyun steps slightly to the side and shoots Yeonjun a calm, resigned look. Yeonjun doesn’t protest as the smaller boy reaches for the book and opens it up to the page they had been previously inspecting. 

‘Yeonjun was doing some research on the local gangs. We just came across this.’ 

Beomgyu quickly scans the page, his gaze landing almost immediately on a picture of a man who, unsurprisingly, did look a lot like an older version of Soobin. He took the book fully into his hands, pausing to examine the contents of the page – a small part of a much longer, detailed account of what he assumes to be the man’s crimes, as well as a description of the closest thing to a trial you can have when the higher power you have to answer to is the Order. His eyes trail over the boring, seemingly insignificant details, but the date of the document gives him pause. The trial that condemned this man to death had taken place a little over 22 years ago, which would have been around the same time Soobin had been taken in by the community. He looks up to find Taehyun already looking at him, his face a mix of guilt and uncertainty.  

‘His dad?’ Beomgyu croaks out. 

‘Yeah...’ he sighs, turning his gaze away. 

‘How long have you known?’  

‘Look, we really were just going over the doc-’ 

‘I said how long have you known?’ 

His voice sounds strained, like it’s physically painful to force the words out ‘A few years.’ 

Beomgyu sighs. He’s not really mad – he can imagine the reasons that would lead Taehyun to decide to keep the secret – but he feels the weight of this knowledge weighing down on him already.  

Taehyun speaks up again, more apologetic than defensive ‘I just thought there was no point in telling him. What he doesn’t know, can’t hurt him. Growing up, some kids would gossip and... and I never really cared for it or really believed it anyway, it wasn’t until a couple years ago that I came across the records and put two and two together.’ 

‘If you were going to hide this from him, you should have taken it to your grave.’ 

‘He doesn’t have t-’ 

‘Yes, he does. I don’t care what kind of excuse you found for yourself. Your relationship only concerns you two, and your choice was your choice. But now you’ve made this my problem, too, and Soobin and I are not like that. I don’t lie to him. I won’t.’ 

‘Hey, hey’ Yeonjun intervenes, trying to act as the voice of reason ‘There’s no need to act impulsively, let’s just calm down for a second.’ 

‘No offense, but you need to mind your business.’ 

Yeonjun throws his hands up defensively, taking a step back ‘Damn, I’m just saying.’ 

‘And I’m saying it’s not your place to speak.’ 

‘So it’s yours?’ he bites back, tone still calm, but with a hint of annoyance ‘Are you his spokesperson or something?’ 

‘Well, he’s not here to tell you how stupid keeping this from him is, so yeah, I guess I am. I’m not trying to scold Taehyun. I’m just telling you both the jig is up.’ 

‘So you’re gonna run and tell him his father’s a convicted crime lord for what, exactly? What’s the use now?’ 

‘Why don’t you sit your meddling ass down and stick to your research, uh, Yeonjun? And let me handle my relationship however I see fit.’ 

‘Pissy much?’ he scoffs, uncrossing his arms in defiance. 

‘Watch it.’ Soobin calls out from only a few steps away, approaching them slowly. 

The room gets impossibly colder as everyone turns to face him, wondering just how much of the argument he had been there to witness. 

‘Taehyun,’ he starts, his perfectly composed demeanor sending a chill down their spines ‘I appreciate your concern, but I’m not going to curl up in tears over things I can’t change.’  

‘I’m sorry-’ 

‘Don’t worry about it. Yeonjun, you’re welcome to stay for as long as you like, but please do make sure you only consult the records you might actually need. This is not a middle school library.’ 

Yeonjun nods once, avoiding his gaze. 

‘Are you okay?’ Beomgyu croaks out. 

Soobin finally turns his attention to him, instinctively leaning closer ‘Yeah. I’m fine.’ 

Beomgyu searches his eyes for a hint of anything that could contradict his confident affirmation, pouting slightly in confusion at his boyfriend’s overly calm demeanor. 

‘Kids talk, you know, and they’re not too subtle about it. I’ve known about the rumors the whole time, to be honest.’ 

‘You told me you didn’t know who your parents were, though.’ 

‘I didn’t, not for sure, anyway. But I’m not surprised.’ He shrugs ‘I stopped caring about it a long time ago.’ 

‘Right, well, I guess that’s my cue to get the hell out of here.’ Yeonjun mutters, awkwardly walking around them towards the hallway that leads to the rooms. 

‘Wait!’ Taehyun calls out, as if awaken from a stupor ‘You haven’t taken the shot yet.’ 

Yeonjuns shoulders slump and he throws his head back in defeat, called back into battle just as he was about to escape. ‘Couldn’t you have waited a bit longer to bring it up?’ 

‘Sorry, just don’t want you to start going crazy or something. It’s my neck on the line. Literally.’ 

Yeonjun rolls his eyes, but shoots him an amused smirk as he motions with his head for them to follow ‘Come on, let me see if I can get Kai to do it this time.’ 

‘I think he went out.’ 

‘Bummer.’ 

‘I can do it. You think it works if I jam it in your eye?’ Beomgyu quips. 

‘Don’t threaten me with a good time, pretty boy.’ 

‘You’re not sticking anything anywhere.’ Soobin scolds. 

‘Damn, you two really don’t play about each other.’ he leans forward so that his head is right between the couple and tilts it slightly so that he’s whispering almost right in Beomgyu’s ear ‘Call me in like, a hundred years.’ 

‘I’m gonna lace your shit with rat poison.’ Soobin hisses, pushing him playfully so that he stumbles forward and away from them. 

‘Ehh, I’ll live.’  

The four boys head back to the hall, tensions already dispersed as they continue to bicker lightheartedly. Sitting around the table, they watch as Yeonjun expertly administers his own shot. Beomgyu leans forward with his head over his folded arms, trying to get a good look at the mysterious liquid. 

‘How does it work?’ 

‘I don’t really know. Science stuff.’ 

‘Does it hurt?’ 

Yeonjun chuckles in amusement ‘No more than any regular shot, I guess, and the skin heals right after, so it barely stings after.’ 

Beomgyu hums, satisfied with the answer ‘How long can you go without it?’ 

There is a brief pause, which makes Beomgyu look up at the boy with apprehensive eyes, wondering if he crossed some sort of line with the question, but Yeonjun seemed to just be deep in thought, probably trying to recall the details of his condition. 

‘I’m not really sure. The shots I take can last in my system for about two weeks, but I take them every few days just in case.’ Beomgyu just nods quietly, so Yeonjun flicks his head, giving him a reassuring smile. ‘Ask whatever you want to ask.’ 

‘What happens if you don’t take it?’  

Yeonjun sighs and drags a nearby chair closer, sitting down close enough that their knees are touching.  

‘I’d behave like a freaking animal, pretty much.’ 

‘Meaning?’ 

‘This thing, whatever the hell is inside us’ he motions between them casually, leaning back in his chair ‘it just wants to survive, to spread. It’s as primal as it gets. It needs our body, but it doesn’t mean it needs us – whatever part of us makes us who we are. I got a more developed strand, a stronger one. It can take over completely, influence my actions. Even now, I can smell Taehyun’s sweet untainted blood from here.’ He turns around to face the boy, who is now shifting uncomfortably in his chair. ‘Kidding.’ 

‘Are you?’ He squeaks out. 

‘I mean, I can tell you’re mortal, but I’m not going to jump at your neck, don’t worry.’ He teases ‘But you do smell great.’ 

The boy looks away, avoiding their eye contact. 

‘Not your blood. You’ve got good taste in cologne, sweetheart.’ 

Soobin lets out an exasperated sigh ‘Are you ever going to leave the poor guy alone?’ 

‘Not when he still looks this cute when he blushes.’ 

Soobin hits the back of his head lightly, to which Yeonjun simply smiles. He needs no words to discipline anyone around here. 

Beomgyu looks up at his commanding boyfriend, reaching out for his sleeve ‘You done with work for today?’ 

Soobin nods, rounding his chair and placing his hands on his shoulders, squeezing them softly as if he could use some unwinding. Beomgyu’s muscles physically couldn’t gather too much tension anymore, but somehow Soobin always knew when he needed some soothing anyway.  

‘Can I steal you away, then?’ He tilts his head back with his best puppy eyes, although he already knows the most likely answer.  

‘Yeah, okay. Let’s get going.’ 

Beomgyu gets up to attach himself to his boyfriend like a needy pet, taking his hand into his own and pulling him along the path back up the stairs. They both mutter a quick goodbye to the others, who don’t even bother to turn to watch them go anymore, more than used to their escapades. 

As soon as they are outside, free to talk in complete privacy, Beomgyu takes the opportunity to check up on Soobin’s spirits. 

‘Hey, so uh, about today... Are you really doing okay?’ 

Soobin shakes his head, the corners of his lips turning up at the sweet boy’s concern ‘Told you I was, didn’t I?’ 

‘Okay, well, just checking.’ 

‘Thank you, baby.’ 

‘Well, who would have thought between the two of us you’d take the cake for the worst parents’ Beomgyu mutters lightheartedly. 

‘Right? It’s tough competition.’ 

‘Yeah, my dad’s a few murders short. Close call, though.’ 

Soobin bumps his shoulder against him as they chuckle together ‘Don’t be a sore loser.’ 

Beomgyu laughs, holding back an unflattering snort. 

‘But seriously, don’t worry’ Soobin adds, softening his tone ‘Like I said, I’ve known it was a possibility for a while. I just didn’t go out of my way to confirm anything because I figured there would be no point. I have no ties to him; I was lucky enough to be raised by some great people. That’s enough for me.’ 

‘It doesn’t worry you even a little bit, though? That you could be carrying some seriously messed up genes or something?’ 

‘I’ve got the bloodlust under control.’ he jokes. 

Beomgyu shoots him a pretend look of shock, pulling back slightly ‘How under control are we talking?’ 

‘It’s not like you’re in danger, little bloodsucker.’ 

‘Oh, shit, yeah. Duh.’ Beomgyu pulls him close again, seemingly satisfied with his answer ‘We work so well together.’ 

‘Are you scared of stuff like that, though?’ 

‘What stuff?’ 

‘The kind you were discussing with Yeonjun. Bloodlust.’ 

‘Fuck yes. There’s a lot I don’t understand about this part of myself. It scares the shit out of me. What if one day I can’t control myself and attack you or something?’ 

Soobin tilts his head in curiosity, absentmindedly unlocking the front door to the apartment building and holding it open for Beomgyu ‘Have you ever felt like... an urge , or something?’ 

Beomgyu pauses to think back for a moment, but the silence building between them isn’t tense, and he sees no trace of fear in Soobin’s gentle gaze. 

‘It’s okay, just tell me.’ he encourages sweetly. 

‘I don’t really know if it’s the same thing, but... Sometimes, at night, I wonder about us and I get flooded with this sick feeling I can’t describe. You’re sleeping right there, and it would only take one second of selfishness to change your life forever. It scares me so bad sometimes, I just want to get up and get away from you. But I’d never do it, I promise.’ 

‘I know. And that’s normal. It’s not the sort of thing Yeonjun was talking about.’ 

‘What if it turns into that, though?’ 

‘That’s not how the strands work. It’s not going to develop into anything else within your own system. It needs hundreds of hosts to mutate over time. His is part of a mutation process that must have started a long, long time ago. And yours is completely different.’ 

Beomgyu nods. He already knew all of these things in theory, but it always felt safe to discuss his fears with Soobin anyway, who never minded taking the time to tranquilize him. Soobin patted his head affectionately, closing the apartment door behind them. 

‘I called the number today.’ he suddenly remembers. 

‘Yeah? How’d it go?’ 

 Beomgyu presses his lips together, readying himself to bring up the tough topic, and Soobin pulls him into the couch. He waits patiently as Beomgyu awkwardly stumbles through his account of the conversation, pausing every now and again to try to remember the details accurately, until he gets to the main point. 

‘My mom’s sick,’ he explains ‘she wants to say goodbye.’  

‘Are you okay?’ he reaches out for Beomgyu’s hands, who leans towards him with no resistance. 

‘Yeah, I’m alright. Really.’ 

‘What are you going to do?’ 

‘I’m going, I guess. Honestly, even if it weren’t for this, I suppose I would still want to see them one last time, you know, before officially giving up my mortal life. Maybe it’s about time.’ 

Soobin nods in understanding, trying to read the look on his face. 

‘I told you I’m fine,’ he gives him a weak smile ‘I’m just mentally preparing myself to see them again.’ 

‘Do you ever...’ Soobin hesitates at first, but Beomgyu meets his gaze with his own look of unwavering calm. 

‘Hmm?’ 

‘Do you ever miss them? Or something?’ 

Beomgyu pauses, not really needing any time to know what his answer is, but trying to find the right words to describe it ‘Not really. I miss who I used to think they were. I kind of miss being that kid, but I can’t even remember anymore what it felt like not to resent them, to be honest.’ 

‘But you’re not going to see them out of a sense of obligation, then, right? You know you don’t owe them anything.’ 

‘Of course not. It’s hard to explain...’ 

‘That’s alright, you don’t need to. Do whatever you need to do. I’ll be waiting for you here.’ 

And that was how Beomgyu had ended up right outside his childhood home again, facing the daunting front door he no longer had the key to. He didn’t think he’d ever find himself back here again, and maybe he should have made sure he never did; he couldn’t help but wonder how different his life would turn out if he had ignored that stupid note. Of course, these are just the kind of thoughts he can’t help but spiral into, even though he knows there was no preventing this. His parents would have chased him to the end of the world just to let him down one last time.  

He had been on his best behavior on that first day, not a defiant bone in his body as he starred down at his bedridden mother and let her hold onto his hand as she dived into another one of her usual speeches, the ones that were always intentionally crafted to try to make him feel guilty for not being the son they had always expected him to be. Letting out a resigned sigh, he simply brushed them off as the bitter regrets of a dying woman.  

His father, however, was a little harder to deal with, never making any sort of effort to hide the disgust behind his eyes every time they landed on Beomgyu. In return, Beomgyu made sure to never again be the first to drop the eye contact, holding his head high and facing his contempt head-on every time. He was no longer just a scared kid, and he sure as hell didn’t owe this man anything, much less his respect. 

What at first still felt like a genuine, if unconventional, attempt at reaching some sort of closure between them soon began to feel more like something much more sinister. The typical guilt tripping around the topic of marriage, which he so skillfully averted for years by directly telling them to stop being delusional, was back full force, leading to a screaming match with his father. Beomgyu had promised to be careful, reassuring Soobin that there would be no chance of his father laying a hand on him and potentially exposing his condition, so he had tried to reason with the man for once, but there was no use.  

By the next day, it had become painfully clear that this was not a goodbye, it was an ambush. In the midst of the screams, they had informed him that they already had a woman in mind and that they planned to hold the wedding within two months' time, which would allow his mother just enough time to help with all the arrangements and to be there witness it. His father held his arm in a tight grip as he yelled at him to be reasonable, to agree to the union as a way of assuring his mother would at least have a dignified passing.  

Beomgyu threw his head back in frustration, mentally scolding himself for not reaching out to find out about their plans sooner, so that he could have put a stop to it right then and there. Unable to feel any guilt by this point, he pushed his father off of him and told them to shove it, hopefully for the very last time.  

It wasn’t the meeting he had in mind, but it had at the very least reaffirmed his decision to leave the past in the past for good. He had mustered all the good will in his body to give them a chance, and they ruined it all on their own. Slamming the door behind him, not even bothering to look back to glance at the house one last time, he left his parents to deal with the aftermath of their disastrous plan on their own. He thought he had built up enough resistance to their bullshit that this would just leave him drained for a few days at most, but being back at the house with them had reignited something inside him that burned fiery red behind his eyes. He couldn’t wait to lodge himself back into the arms of the only one who could help fan him out. 

Soobin had been pacing back and forth for the past couple days, anxiously awaiting some news, and as soon as he had seen Beomgyu’s text asking for him to meet him at the apartment as soon as possible, he had put everything else aside and immediately called for a car to take him there, the suffocating feeling of worry too much to bear even for the short amount it would take for a bus to come around.  

Opening the door to the dark, silent apartment, he barely had time to register Beomgyu’s presence before he was crashing into his body with the force of a bull. He wanted to pull just for a second, to get a good look at Beomgyu, but the boy was holding onto him for dear life and mumbling low apologies for interrupting his work against his chest. 

‘Beomgyu, stop, okay? I was seconds away from just getting on a train to Daegu myself to see you. Fuck the work.’ 

‘I’m just so mad, baby. I’m so fucking mad.’ 

Soobin only responded by holding him impossibly tighter, resisting the urge to remind him that he shouldn’t let those miserable people still mess with his head after all this time. After all, Soobin knew he had no real ability to relate to the feeling, no grasp on how strong a parent’s hold on their kid could really be, so all he could do was let him feel it and support him through it. 

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ 

‘No. I want to explode the Earth and myself with it and come back to kick his corpse, set it on fire again-’ he starts, frustrated tears slowly making their way down his face and neck to land on Soobin’s sweater ‘But I’m still going to tell you. Just give me a minute.’ 

‘I’ll give you every minute.’ 

Beomgyu pulls away, holding onto Soobin by the front of his sweater, and looks deep into his eyes with his tear-stained ones ‘What if I wanted to end it right now? Run away from this shit?’ 

Soobin knew he was just being impulsive, letting his mind get ahead of him and take him to its darkest corners, but he still took the question and all its implications seriously. ‘Then I’d come with you.’ His voice didn’t waver. 

‘I’m serious, Soobin. I’m so fucking tired. They came up with this... this crazy, fucked up plan to trap me. To force me to do what they want. And-’ 

‘Breathe, Beomgyu.’  

‘I checked. I knew something was off and so I went and I checked, made some calls and those sick fucking bastards were just lying to me. She’s fine. She got her pathetic ass in that bed hoping she could trick me into being- I don’t know, whatever the hell it is they want me to be for them. I hate them so much.’ 

‘It didn’t work. They can’t force you to do anything.’ 

‘But they sure as hell are gonna try.’ He lets out a pitiful sob, holding on to Soobin’s sweater hard enough for his knuckles to turn white, having no strength left to even hold his head up anymore. ‘I need to do this.’ 

‘Okay.’ 

He lifted his gaze up just enough so that he could see him, see his lips move to form the word and make sure it wasn’t just a hallucination his subconscious had conjured up ‘Okay?’ 

‘Okay. We’ll put in the request for severance. You’ll get the chance to start again without them.’ 

‘I’ll have to move, though, won’t I?’ 

‘So? You like your job here that much?’ 

‘I like you.’ 

‘Told you I’m coming with you.’ 

‘But the Archive is your home.’ 

‘No, Beomgyu.’ Soobin takes a patient breath, undoing Beomgyu’s tight grip on his clothes and gently grabbing him by the shoulders so that he could hold him up, look him properly in the eyes. ‘This is. You are.’  

And there was nothing else to discuss.  

The relief over Soobin making good on his word far surpassed any guilt Beomgyu might feel for dragging him along to his own mess, although it still stuck to him like a clingy shadow. Truth be told, there were a lot of times in their relationship when the poor boy had felt conflicted about all the love Soobin was open to give him. Although he was more than willing to do his part and repay it in full, he often found himself wondering what in the world he could have done to ever deserve someone like Soobin. However, even in the height of his insecurity, deep down he yearned for the boy’s devotion, much more than he could ever vocalize to him. So, although he could not understand it, there was no way in hell he would ever turn down Soobin’s offer to follow him wherever he may go. Selfish as it may be, he would drink up every drop of Soobin’s affection, whether he was worthy or not. 

Had he asked, though, had he opened up to Soobin about the nagging doubts, he would have been enlightened as to what Soobin had already known all along: that nothing in this world was about fairness, or worthiness. That if the universe really conspired to make sure you always got the love that you deserved, they would have been together from the second the stars had first exploded into the stardust that makes up their bodies. The reality was that this was a world of chaos, one that had allowed Beomgyu to grow up this way, loveless and afraid.  

Even now, it was not fate or a beautiful tale of destiny that had brought Soobin to him. Their meeting was a coincidence, another unpredictable clash of atoms in the grand scheme of things, and what kept them together was just a messy mix of chemicals, a bunch of complicated human emotions. Of course Soobin was not following Beomgyu because they deserved each other. He was following him because he wanted to, like he had wanted to kiss him madly from the second he had first laid eyes on him, and like he has wanted to every day since. And because Soobin was not troubled by these thoughts of who is worthy of what and why, he saw his gesture as what it really was, the natural step to take when you’re sure of what you want. 

December, 2024  

The decision to sever permanently from life as he knew it had been somewhat impulsive, brought on by his past forcing his hand to finally put an end to it, but the process itself had been much more thought-out, thanks to Soobin keeping him grounded. Despite supporting him in his choice, Soobin was not a fan of the idea of rushing through it, suggesting that they take their time going over things with the Order to find the ideal solution before doing anything reckless.  

To simplify matters, the Order had suggested staging a simple suicide. It was, after all, the easiest way to go about it, and definitely the most frequent, since faking homicides or accidents involved a lot more planning and paperwork. Despite the idea leaving a sour taste in his mouth at first, Beomgyu had eventually reluctantly agreed to it, settling for the classic bridge jump. 

He didn’t like the thought of his parents thinking of him as weak, but the more he thought about it, the more he believed that maybe it was for the best. He had survived it, survived them, but here he was, giving up much of the life he had built for himself here, just so that he could get away from their influence for good – in a way, they had won. So fine, they could have it. Deeper in his heart still was a more unsettling reasoning too, a strange hope that they would feel any sort of guilt, or responsibility, any sort of human emotion that could serve as proof that they ever cared for him as their son. If you asked him, he wouldn’t outright say he wanted them to hurt like he did, but since this had to be done, he hoped they could finally reflect on their actions and know that none of it, the hatred and the schemes, was worth it in the end. It was dark, and he didn’t want to let this kind of twisted fantasy cloud his decisions, but it was there and there was nothing he could do about it. He wanted this to send a clear message to them, the very last one he’d leave: you did this. Maybe that made them more similar than he’d like to admit.  

Since Soobin was a mortal who valued his nightly sleep and Beomgyu was likewise keen on keeping a semi normal lifestyle, they had ruled out the option to just go underground locally, which meant moving away and potentially getting a new name. The Order wasn’t too worried about the new identity, always knee-deep in more pressing issues, so they sent them on their merry way to Japan and entrusted most of the details to Soobin. It was simple enough: lay low, maybe get a new haircut, and reach out to the local (vampire) authorities in case of any sign of trouble.  

As far as work went, Soobin was happy to take on different responsibilities now, working remotely for his community while smoothly developing a diplomatic relationship with the local one. Beomgyu was a little lost at first, but Soobin wasn’t worried, quickly assuring him that the funds provided for this type of thing were no joke. They were not going to bail on Beomgyu, especially not when dissatisfied rogues presented one of the greatest threats to public safety. Soobin even joked that Beomgyu may very well be able to leech off them for three lifetimes before they even bother to suggest he get a real job to support himself.  

Much like he had been during that first week at the Archive, Soobin was the glue that kept Beomgyu together as they went through the entire process and settled into their new life. At first, he felt some pressure to make everything perfect, afraid that Soobin might wake up from their honeymoon phase and realize he was making a mistake. After all, they had only been together for a little over a year at the time of their decision, and theirs was no ordinary relationship. However, it soon became clear that, even though Soobin was overall the more well-adjusted person between the two of them, having an easier time adapting to the changes, they were each other’s rock, the most stable and constant thing they both had.  

The two boys were fundamentally different. Beomgyu had realistically never imagined himself making it past his troubled youth, but Soobin had grown up more than accustomed to the idea of forever. Even though he had chosen a mortal life for himself, the concept was not strange to him, whereas Beomgyu had stayed up for endless nights grappling with it. Looking to the future as if it were an endless maze, he wondered what that should mean for him, how he was supposed to be spending his time now that he had it all. He’d look over at Soobin, breathing calm and steady as he slept, and grief would crawl into the space between his ribs from the future, and he’d wonder how someone so important could one day be less than even a memory, just a dusty record on a shelf. Once he had made peace with the fact that Soobin had chosen him, he had made it his goal to give him the best youth he could, one that he’d remember fondly.  

‘Take this Beomgyu with you to the stars’ he’d whisper into the dark ‘take him in your soul and etch us together in the sky when you go. You’re the only one who can, the only one who will carry who I am right now, after I’ve turned into someone else entirely.’ 

After all the boxes were emptied throughout their apartment and he knew all those surrounding streets like the back of his hand, it felt like a new age for them. Although he would never take him for granted, he no longer worried too much about Soobin changing his mind, but he still had his moments. Soobin had returned to the Archive for a couple of days to sort out some personal matters and visit Taehyun, and even though he knew that he’d be back in time for them to celebrate his birthday together just like he had promised, his lungs still felt awfully tight the entire time he wasn’t around. 

It was already the morning of December 4th, and Soobin was supposed to be on his way back now, but he wasn’t picking up his calls. Beomgyu paced around the airport for ages. If his lips weren’t immune to his damage, they would be a bloody mess as he anxiously gnawed at them as he forced himself to breathe in and out slowly the way Soobin always told him to.  

Before he officially lost his mind and just got on the next plane to him, Beomgyu got a few apology texts in a row explaining that the poor guy had missed his flight and was doing his best to get back as soon as possible. Letting out a breath of relief, he found a random lounge he could wait around for a few more hours in.  

‘I’m so, so sorry’ Soobin put his bag down so he could use both arms to embrace his patient lover. 

‘That’s alright. You’re here now. How was the trip?’ 

‘Boring.’ He dragged Beomgyu towards the closest establishment with food he could find.  

‘How’s Taehyun?’ 

‘Don’t you guys talk like every other day?’ 

‘I mean, yeah, but we mostly just game. We don’t get deep with it.’ 

‘He’s fine. Things are going well with Kai.’ 

‘I bet. Man, I should have just gone with you’ he complains with a pout ‘I don’t care that it was a business trip, I could have just holed up in the Archive while you did your thing.’ 

‘You know you’re not supposed to be showing your face around Seoul’ Soobin replies calmly, even though they had already had this conversation a thousand times before. 

‘I miss it, though...’ he sighed ‘Besides, I don’t think anyone would give a shit.’ 

‘I went by the record shop.’ Soobin mutters, wiping his hands on a napkin. 

‘Really? How’s the old man? Can’t be easy to put up with the chaos at his age.’ 

‘I’m not sure, I didn’t really go in. But he doesn’t have to worry about the kids going ham on the electric guitar anymore.’ 

Beomgyu chuckles, shaking his head ‘One too many broken strings, uh? He should have gotten rid of the thing a long time ago.’ 

Soobin smiles softly, enjoying the look of innocent nostalgia on his boyfriend’s face for a brief second, one that makes him second-guess if he’s brave enough to let out the words stuck in his throat. 

‘What?’ Beomgyu mumbles, in between sips of his milkshake. 

‘He put it up. The guitar, he’s got it up on a wall now. Above a little shrine.’ 

Beomgyu frowns in confusion for a second, until the words fully register and the pieces come together in his mind. 

‘For... me?’ 

Soobin nods, sitting back in his chair as his gaze drifts downwards. 

Beomgyu swallows painfully, his appetite completely gone and the strong smell of the food turning his stomach. He pushes the tray away, sitting back as well ‘But I-’ 

‘I know. You told him you were just moving back to your hometown.’ 

‘So how did he find out?’ 

‘I don’t know. Also, the bus driver recognized me on the way back. He asked about you.’ 

Beomgyu focuses his gaze on the table, eyelids trembling as he takes a deep breath. 

‘I know you think you’ve gone through this life like a ghost, existing in the periphery, but of course there are people who cared. Even the library receptionist kept asking about you.’ 

‘She has never held a full conversation with me,’ Beomgyu croaks out in a whiny tone ‘I don’t know how you spent hours up there with her.’ 

‘She’s just not a talker.’ 

‘Understatement of the year.’ 

‘But she knew you. Like many others did. Please don’t underestimate your impact.’ 

He feels almost frozen, but allows Soobin’s soothing words to spread over his guilty heart like a healing balm. ‘Okay, I get it. No Seoul trips for me.’ 

‘We can just have the boys over sometime if you want to see them that bad.’ 

Beomgyu only gives him a small smile in response as he picks up their trays from the table. He doesn’t have the strength to explain that, as much as he liked the boys, what he longed for was to feel like himself again, a version of himself he was losing day by day – but he knows he doesn’t need to, anyway. Soobin already knows. 

Beomgyu revels in the opportunity to scold Soobin for ruining his original romantic dinner plans, replaced by overpriced airport food. Soobin responds by shooting him a judgmental side glance, which is enough for the boy to drop the character and burst out laughing in mere seconds. He loved pushing Soobin’s buttons, all so that he could watch how he always did his very best to tolerate it, something he didn’t really bother doing for anyone else. What could he say? He loved his boyfriend privileges. 

At the end of the day, Beomgyu was much happier and relieved at Soobin’s presence than he was upset at the circumstances, so he quickly laid off on the teasing and shifted his focus on coming up with a new plan to make up for Soobin’s tiring day. 

‘How about we check into a hotel for tonight?’ Beomgyu coos softly, holding onto his arm. 

Soobin considers it for a second but then shakes his head, claiming he would much rather just be at home right now, where he would feel much more relaxed and at ease. 

‘They have bathtubs, though!’ Beomgyu insists, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively ‘I could prepare a bubble bath for you.’ 

Soobin chuckles softly, amused at Beomgyu’s sudden eagerness to please him now that he’s already gotten his fill out of teasing him for missing a flight ‘Seriously, baby, I want to sleep at home tonight. I don’t want to wake up on my birthday in a random bed.’ He reaches his hand to pat Beomgyu’s head in reassurance ‘I just need you.’ 

The boy rolls his eyes but smiles back fondly, easily getting over the idea in favor of Soobin’s comfort. ‘You’re such a low maintenance boyfriend.’ he jokes. 

‘Am I?’ his tone is lower and unexpectedly sultry ‘I only said I don’t need the bubbles. I’m still gonna put you to work.’ 

Beomgyu blushes, the tips of his ears instantly warming up at the inviting words. He doesn’t like to make his weakness too obvious though, so he hides it behind his own sly smirk ‘Anything for the birthday boy.’ 

They get home quite late, Soobin almost falling asleep on top of him during the ride in the back of the taxi, and fall into their practiced routine of slipping into comfortable clothes and playfully pushing each other for sink space for their nightly routine. The clock strikes midnight while Soobin is still brushing his teeth, and Beomgyu embraces him from behind in a warm hug to whisper sweetly in his ear. 

‘Happy Birthday’ he presses a kiss to his lover’s neck, stepping back after a second to allow him space to clean up.  

Soobin spits into the sink, wiping at his mouth before he can return the affection. Beomgyu giggles at the trace of toothpaste in the corner of his mouth, wiping it away himself before peppering the spot with sweet kisses.  

‘Can I give you your gift now?’ 

‘What are you in a rush for? It’s going to be my birthday all day.’ 

Beomgyu sighs, slightly deflated, but hums in agreement through his pout ‘Fine, go rest for now. We’ll celebrate in the morning.’ 

‘Actually...’ Soobin puts away his things, turning his full attention on him ‘I feel fine, we can do it now. I actually have something for you, too.’ 

‘What? Why?’  

‘Shhh, go on and get your gift. I’m waiting.’ He unceremoniously walks out of the bathroom, gently pushing Beomgyu out. 

Beomgyu scoffs but immediately obeys, grabbing his gift from his coat and holding it out proudly. He’s beaming as Soobin opens the little box to reveal the ring inside. 

‘I’m not proposing, by the way’ he chimes in, although he knows the thought wouldn’t have crossed Soobin’s mind anyway – Beomgyu was a romantic through and through, he would have never come up with such a mid proposal. ‘I thought it would match your bracelet quite well.’ 

Soobin smiles fondly at the ring, turning it gingerly in his fingers so he can read the inscription carved on the inside. ‘Time with you...?’ he mutters, squinting. 

‘Yeah, it’s missing my part’ he pulls out his own ring from his back pocket, holding it at an angle so that the words are facing the expectant boy.  

‘Is never a waste’ he completes the sentence in a breathless whisper. 

‘You like it?’ Beomgyu looks up at him with a mixture of eagerness and innocent shyness, softly biting his lip as Soobin reaches out for his hand so he can slide the ring in, promptly following it up by putting on his own and intertwining their decorated hands together.  

‘I love it, baby. Thank you.’ 

Before Soobin can lean forward to capture his lips in a kiss, Beomgyu excitedly announces that he’s not done ‘Sit. I’ve got something else to show you.’ 

Soobin doesn’t protest, tilting his head in curiosity as Beomgyu dashes out of the room to fetch something. He comes back with a familiar object, clutching it nervously in his hands, and Soobin meets his hesitant gaze with his own before reaching to grab the journal from him. Turning it over, he’s surprised at the feeling of the leather in his hands. His fingertips fondly trace over all the small grooves that plainly denounce its wear and tear.  

‘You wrote on it?’ 

‘Yeah’ Beomgyu mumbles, voice a little uneven ‘I know I didn’t have the best reaction at first, but I eventually came around.’ 

Soobin’s voice falters, emotion bubbling up in his throat and restricting it. Even if he was able to speak right now, he wouldn’t know what to say. He takes a deep breath as he begins to softly pull apart the pages with his thumb, letting his eyes briefly hover over the words that cover the pages top to bottom in Beomgyu’s unmistakable neat handwriting. He sucks in a breath as he glimpses at a page with a few tear stains dried over ink smudges, finally tearing his eyes away from it to prevent himself from accidentally adding a few of his own to it.  

‘Don’t cry, you’re going to make me start crying too’ Beomgyu whispers as he sits down to attach himself to his side ‘I know how you get about the age thing around me, so I just wanted you to know I’m doing better now. Coming to terms with stuff and all of that.’ 

Soobin sniffs and shoots him a lopsided, guilty smile ‘I hate hiding stuff from you, but...’ he starts ‘I-I wanted to believe you would do this – you know, eventually – but I wasn’t sure, so... I’ve actually been writing about you too, sometimes. I keep a file on my laptop and update it once in a while. It’s a good thing you’ve been doing it too, though, I bet there’s a lot of details I’m missing. I’m not a great biographer.’ 

Beomgyu chuckles, shaking his head ‘Of course you are. I already know that, you idiot. I appreciate it. But what the hell do you think I’m writing about, though? I can guarantee you, every word on those pages you’d be able to recall yourself. I’m not writing about any boring grocery runs, dummy. It’s all about us. You know, our dates and stuff.’ 

Soobin sniffs again, pointlessly wiping at his tear-stained cheeks as a new round of sobs make their way out of his constricted throat. He aimlessly paws at Beomgyu, clutching his shirt and bringing him closer.  

‘Come here’ Beomgyu pulls their body weight up so they can properly lie down on the bed and spends a few minutes gently cleaning Soobin’s face while whispering sweet nothings and trying to lighten the mood ‘Enough crying already, you’re a big boy now.’ 

‘Funny.’ 

‘It was. You’re just too busy loving me to laugh.’ 

‘Ha-ha’ he returns, dryly. Beomgyu pokes at his stomach once in retaliation, and Soobin directs a mortal glare at him before he can get any ideas ‘Don’t you dare tickle me right now.’ 

Beomgyu chuckles and throws his hand up defensively ‘Fine.’ Noticing the improvement in his mood, Beomgyu finally moves to pick up the journal, left strewn on the covers, and sets it nicely on the bedside table. 

Sitting up again, Soobin reaches for his figure and connects their lips in a sweet, brief kiss, keeping their foreheads together when they part again slightly. ‘I love you.’ 

Beomgyu chases his lips, affectionately smacking them lightly three or four times in close succession. ‘I love you too.’ With a gentleness reserved only for a lover, he softly tugs at Soobin’s wet t-shirt, freeing him from the fabric clinging uncomfortably to his skin. ‘I’ll get you another one.’ 

‘That’s okay, I’m fine like this.’ 

Beomgyu nods and simply moves to toss it in the laundry bin, humming happily as his thumb traces the smooth surface of his new ring. Suddenly remembering Soobin’s earlier words, he puts on a cheery tone as he stands at the foot of the bed with his hands on his hips. ‘Didn’t you say you had something for me too?’ 

‘Yeah, I do.’  

Beomgyu raises his eyebrow ‘Well, I’m waiting for it.’ 

‘Come here, let me tell you what it is.’ 

Beomgyu wants to snort, but he holds his laughter back and puffs out his chest in feigned indignation ‘No way I was out here being all romantic and stuff and that’s what you meant by having something for me. That doesn’t count, it’s already mine.’  

‘No, you pervert, I actually got something.’ 

‘That you’re going to gift to me in our bed’ he drawls in a sarcastic tone. 

‘That I can tell you about in our bed.’  

‘Sus’ he teases, not making any move to approach. 

Soobin falls back into the pillows, sighing dramatically as to play up his annoyance. ‘Fine, you brat. I can show you.’  

Beomgyu watches in amusement as Soobin digs into his bag for something, taking a minute to sort through a pile of papers that he had neatly stuffed into a folder. He tries to peek over his shoulder, but everything looks like the same type of tedious paperwork Soobin is always going over to him. Finally, Soobin turns to his impatient boyfriend and presses a couple of pages stapled together against his chest. 

Beomgyu frowns at him, taking his bratty role seriously as he doesn’t even bother focusing on the words on the page ‘What the hell is this, baby?’ 

‘Take a proper look’ Soobin holds onto his free hand, his seductive low tone back in full force to counter Beomgyu’s stubbornness ‘It’s a permit from the Order.’ 

‘And what do I get permission for?’ He looks up at him with a half-lidded defiant stare, deciding he would rather hear it from his boyfriend’s mouth after all. 

‘A lot of things. Your imagination is the only limit.’ Soobin takes the papers and patiently slides them back into the folder. He had known all along that they would be useless when it came to this conversation, but he would always entertain Beomgyu and his moods. 

Beomgyu waits patiently with a deadpan expression, tilting his head and quirking an inquisitive eyebrow. He watches as Soobin almost breaks his seductive act with a dorky smile, finding the crease in Beomgyu’s brow utterly adorable, but he holds it together to offer him an enigmatic smile that instantly melts his defenses. 

Soobin leans closer so that their lips are almost touching, holding Beomgyu loosely by his waist ‘I’ve been working on this for a while, but the last of the paperwork required me to sign in person’ he places a feather-light kiss on his parted lips ‘But now I’ve got everything I need.’ 

Beomgyu only distractedly hums lowly against his lips, getting lost in and sidetracked by the feeling of their closeness.  

‘Baby, I’ve decided to turn. I want to start a future together. One that lasts.’ 

As the words register in the back of his muddled mind, Beomgyu’s eyes open in surprise, a sudden alertness taking over his whole body, but Soobin is already crashing their lips back together in a sensual kiss. As much as he wants to return the passion, he pushes back gently against his shoulders for some distance, needing to clear his mind for a second. 

‘Did I hear that right?’ 

Soobin doesn’t retreat fully, still holding him close, and as they establish proper eye contact, Beomgyu can see the familiar dark shade of desire swimming behind his eyes ‘Yes.’ 

‘Wait.’ Beomgyu doesn’t pull back, but he keeps his hand against his bare chest, signaling that he needs to maintain the distance ‘Give me a second.’ 

‘Is everything okay?’ his tone softens. 

Beomgyu nods slowly, but his breathing is getting more erratic the more he processes the implications of Soobin’s words. ‘Fuck, Soobin. Are you sure? 100%? A thousand percent sure?’ 

Soobin’s thumbs are reassuringly caressing his hips as he seeks out Beomgyu’s unfocused gaze ‘I wouldn’t have done it if I wasn’t. You know that.’ 

‘But you haven’t done it yet, right?’ 

‘No, not yet, I’m-’ 

‘So let’s talk about it. You didn’t even tell me you were considering this. Why- Why didn’t you tell me about this?’ 

‘Because it’s my decision to make. I didn’t want you to share a burden that is not yours to carry. Look, I wanted to tell you, but you would have felt partially responsible for my decision no matter what you advised me to do. I’d rather you have peace of mind.’ 

‘Soobin...’ 

‘Relax, baby. I promise I thought it through. You know it was always a possibility for me; this was always on the table. I’ve made my choice.’ 

‘This is... a lot.’ 

‘But you’re happy, aren’t you? No more worrying about this shit.’ 

Beomgyu hits his chest lightly, tears starting to cloud his vision ‘You’re fucking crazy.’ 

‘I have a lot to live for, Beomgyu. And I’m not going to let you go through anything alone anymore. Besides, I’m a jealous lover. Not letting you walk into eternity single.’ 

Beomgyu had always felt that their relationship had a touch of divine punishment – it seemed almost too perfect, so of course it had an impossible obstacle, the ever-looming roadblock preventing him from truly being at ease even at their happiest. Only after losing his mortality did he find the one he knew he was willing to die for. It was a cruel irony, but here he was now, right in front of him, telling him that it didn’t matter, that he was willing to live for him instead.  

There were no words to express the hurricane of emotions wrecking through his chest right now, so he simply pulled his lover close and held onto him for dear life, wanting to feel his heartbeat against every single inch of his skin. Soobin gave him time, moving one of his hands to his hair to caress him tenderly while his breath slowly evened out, but there was an eagerness growing in the pit of his stomach that was getting hard to ignore.  

Knowing there was no point trying to argue with Soobin over the decision, Beomgyu finally let himself believe the possibility of eternity with him, finally envisioning a future worth having, one in which he wouldn’t be alone. For the first time, the boy holding him in his arms felt truly solid, and he didn’t have to grab at the idea of him in his mind like sand slipping through his fingers, burning hot and so precious, so finite.  

Soobin was nothing if not patient, but tiredness felt heavy in his still mortal bones, and the intoxicating scent of Beomgyu’s hair was flooding all his senses. Slowly, he tentatively places light kisses on the side of his head, the back of his ear, his cheekbone. Tilting his chin slightly, he ventures down to his jawline, swiftly moving on to his tender neck. Beomgyu moans sweetly at the contact, melting into his touch.  

Reaching through the little space separating them, Soobin pulls at the hem of Beomgyu’s shirt, desperate for more direct contact. The boy raises his arms cooperatively, loosely throwing them around Soobin’s neck as soon as he’s free of the extra layer between them, and pulls Soobin into a passionate kiss. He wants to pour all of his emotions into it, spell out his thoughts with his hot tongue; likewise, he can feel Soobin’s own confessions coming up from the back of his throat through his low grunts, as well as the hand he is now grabbing the front of Beomgyu’s shorts with. 

‘Wait’ Beomgyu whines, breathless. 

‘Hmm?’ Soobin croaks, his hand reluctantly retreating. 

‘It’s just- Before we continue’ he starts, keeping their bodies pressed closed together ‘There’s something on my mind.’ 

‘What?’ His tone is gentle and understanding, even though the interruption is currently giving him a hard time. 

‘So, when are you going to go through with it, then? Do you have to make an appointment for that kind of stuff? Are you going to get injected, too?’ 

Soobin sighs softly ‘I don’t think you understand what’s going on here, baby. I got to make the call.’ He squeezes their bodies impossibly closer, his arousal obvious as he presses firmly against Beomgyu’s pelvis, making the boy dizzy ‘This, tonight, is the only ceremony there’s gonna be. I’ve signed the papers, I’ve got the go ahead from the higher-ups. And most importantly, very conveniently may I add, I have a perfectly capable vampire boyfriend right in front of me.’ 

‘No way.’ Beomgyu whispers, almost taking a step back in disbelief. 

Soobin shoots him an amused grin, eyeing him up and down like he’s got his prey pinned helplessly under his aim. His grin doesn’t go away as he starts planting wet kisses over the expanse of his chest, and then holds the intense eye contact as he gets down to his knees so he can continue to shamelessly kiss down his stomach.  

‘Holy fuck’ Beomgyu is quivering slightly, but he does his best to focus, pulling Soobin’s head back by his now messy hair. ‘You’re not kidding, are you?’ 

‘Nope.’ He is the perfect image of nonchalance, addressing such a life altering decision like they were just talking about the weather, and not bothering to stop his trail down his boyfriend’s torso, placing a few teasing kisses over the fabric now and then. 

Beomgyu lets out a pained moan, his delayed understanding of the situation they were currently diving into shooting his level of arousal through the roof. He was sure he had more questions for his boyfriend, but it was already hard to focus with his hard-on before, which meant it was virtually impossible for him to recall anything now that all the blood in his body seemed to rush to it, making it almost painful to still stand there half-clothed with Soobin’s mouth so close and so eager. He barely registers lifting his feet out of the now abandoned shorts and kicking them out of the way. 

‘Fucking crazy’ he mumbles almost incoherently, gasping softly at the feeling of Soobin nibbling at the sensitive skin of his thighs ‘What were you thinking? How is this even allowed?’  

Soobin ignores the rhetorical questions, his mouth too busy to intervene in Beomgyu’s feverish rambling, which is getting increasingly less sound as he gets lost in the feeling. 

‘Are you even sure you want this strand? If I infect you, won’t I be like, your vampire parent or something?’ 

At this moment, Soobin is truly caught off guard, enough to stop his movements to shoot Beomgyu a genuinely bewildered look, his impatience and mild annoyance coming through in his disapproving tone ‘Are you being serious right now?’ 

Beomgyu just stares back at him in silence, almost just as surprised as he was, as if he subconsciously wasn’t really expecting Soobin to actually be listening to his crazed thoughts, much less to stop what he was doing to address them. Frowning slightly, he simply shrugs defensively. It’s not like he has any control over where his mind is taking him in such an unprecedented moment as this one. 

Soobin sighs in resignation. Although he is usually always willing to engage with whatever doubts he confides in him, he doesn’t have the patience to get up from his knees to explain to his boyfriend that sharing the same strand does not, in fact, make him his vampire child or whatever bullshit Beomgyu has managed to summon up in his mind.  

‘Can you not say crazy shit like that when I’m trying to suck you off?’ 

‘Sorry’ Beomgyu mutters apologetically, bringing his hand back to his boyfriend’s head as if to signal that the moment was over and he didn’t plan on messing it up again. Gratefully getting the message, Soobin is glad to resume his work.  

Although they are no strangers to each other’s body, their version of intimacy had a few particularities, given Beomgyu’s “condition”, and each had specific perks and disadvantages. Soobin had never made Beomgyu feel like an inconvenience – in fact, he had quickly discovered that he was not shy in bed at all. He’d unabashedly touch him anywhere he could safely reach, taking his sweet time kissing him all over and taking pleasure in watching his rough hickeys turn from beautiful purpleish bruises to a faint red and then disappear into smooth skin he was free to ruin all over again. But being a biohazard meant Beomgyu was only ever allowed to finish into protection, which he had to dispose of himself, since the thought of it being in contact with Soobin’s skin alone freaked him out. Soobin on the other end made up for it in his own way – he loved making a mess all over Beomgyu. Whether they were just touching each other, if Beomgyu was working his mouth on him, or even attempting protected penetration on their riskier moods, Soobin preferred to pull back at the last second so he was free to watch Beomgyu get covered in his cum, which made the hotness of his release increase tenfold. 

Beomgyu had to be much more careful with his handling of Soobin’s mortal body, holding him like the most precious porcelain doll in his arms. The caution nearly drove Soobin mad with lust, not too fond of being treated like he’s made of glass, but he knew they were better safe than sorry. A single miscalculation would lead to irreversible consequences, and although he had long made up his mind about wanting to be with Beomgyu, he knew the weight a stupid mistake like that would have on Beomgyu’s conscience, forever burdened with guilt over the thought of dooming Soobin to an unwanted fate.  

All in all, even with compromises, they made it work for them. Beomgyu had made peace with all of it, choosing to overlook the complications in favor of just being grateful he got to have Soobin in any capacity at all. He was used to their dynamic, not daring to get greedy with his wants, but all of that self-control meant he was currently in a very unexpected, explosive situation.  

Soobin working hard on his knees for his pleasure, his mouth directly on him, and the idea that he was actually going to be able to keep him this close when he finally came made him weak in the knees. The thought alone, Soobin’s insane skill aside, was enough to bring him to the edge way too quickly, so he gently tugged on his hair to pull him back once in a while, which earned him some displeased groans in response. 

Even when he pulled back slightly to make the moment last a little longer, Beomgyu was still driven insane by his hot breath and how Soobin’s hand looked wrapped around him, every one of his tentative licks around his tip made him twitch like he was out of control. Although he didn’t want the moment to just go by in a flash due to his state, he could also feel Soobin’s desperation through his short breaths and greedy tongue. The way he was moaning softly when his mouth was stuffed to the brim sent low vibrations from his throat across Beomgyu’s erection and made him desperately grab harder onto Soobin’s hair, pulling him back again.  

Getting impatient, Soobin pulled back completely for a second and looked up at him with the eyes of a madman ‘Beomgyu, please’ he whined. 

‘Fuck. Sorry, I- I'm close but-’ 

‘I know you are. Fuck, just let go, I’m begging you. I’ve waited years. I want to taste you so fucking bad.’ 

Involuntarily grunting at Soobin’s plead, he conceded by quickly nodding and leading him back to his needy cock. He closed his eyes in search of one last drop of self-restraint, since the words paired with his desperate look had driven him to the very edge. He didn’t intend to be rough - although he had a feeling Soobin wouldn’t mind it a bit - but he was past rationality at his point, bucking his hips against his warm mouth to meet his likewise eager movements. 

The sight of Soobin sighing in relief, swallowing him up with a happy hum and quickly lapping up at his length for any missed drop had Beomgyu breathless. He was trying to even out his breath and recover from the orgasm, but he couldn’t pry his eyes away from the beautiful scene in front of him. Soobin was so hard, still restrained by his shorts, he was leaking onto the fabric. Beomgyu watched as he brought one of his hands to his neglected erection so he could adjust it slightly, probably uncomfortable from the pressure. 

Before helping him up from his knees, Beomgyu couldn’t resist bringing one of his thumbs to the corner of his lover’s mouth, where there were still traces of him, and pushing it into his mouth. Soobin looked up at him with bliss, looking like an angel as he sucked at his thumb with no hesitation. Beomgyu used his free hand to free his sweaty forehead from the loose strands of hair stubbornly sticking to it, and they stared at each other like that for a few seconds before he slowly pulled back. 

Once he was back up on his feet, Soobin had no intention of stopping. He pulled Beomgyu close, flush against his chest, and held him firmly there with one hand supporting his head and the other holding his close by the waist. He initiated a sensual kiss, swirling their tongues together and making Beomgyu whine at the ridiculously hot idea of tasting himself like that on his lover.  

As hot as it was, his quick recovery time making him the perfect candidate for Soobin’s demands, Beomgyu felt like there was a pressing issue to address. He was not trying to be selfish, getting his fill and leaving his lover high and dry, but he couldn’t ignore the fact that what they just did was not just your average, run-of-the-mill blowjob. Summoning all the strength in his body, he pulled back from Soobin, grabbing onto his shoulders so he could look him in the eye, examining him close. 

‘Soobin?’ he mumbled weakly, concern etched on his brow. 

‘Yeah?’  

Beomgyu was not entirely surprised at his nonchalance, but still shot him a funny look. He couldn’t believe this guy. ‘So? Are you feeling okay?’ 

Soobin leaned in closer again, nodding ‘Yes. Better than ever.’ 

Beomgyu evaded his attempt at recapturing his lips, hitting him playfully. ‘That’s all you’re gonna give me? I’m trying to check up on you.’ 

‘Beomgyu’ he brought their foreheads together, breathing slowly so he could gather his thoughts, and then suddenly flipped the boy around in his arms so he could hold him close again, restricting his arms so that he let out a pathetic helpless yelp in surprise. Beomgyu didn’t resist the restraint, sighing in frustration at the feeling of Soobin’s boner all pressed up against his ass ‘I said I’m fine. Can we just celebrate now?’ 

‘Dude’ Beomgyu tilted his neck, offering it up for Soobin’s sudden onslaught attack on his sensitive skin, paired with the filthiest string of sentences he’s ever heard coming from him, hellbent on telling him all the things he’s been so desperate to try and how he can’t stop now after he just found out just how good he tasted. Beomgyu might want to talk, but he’s not strong enough to resist the feeling of Soobin’s mouth anywhere on him. ‘We literally have eternity to do this, you know that, right? We could take a minute to have a proper conversation.’ 

Soobin hums in understanding against his skin, but maintains his needy tone as he addresses his boyfriend’s concerns, unwilling to give up his no-nonsense demeanor ‘What else do you want me to tell you, baby? Yeah, we have all the time in the world’ he whispers, rubbing up against him ‘But I want to fuck you right now.’ 

‘Well, if you’re sure...’ he concedes in a needy whisper, relaxing in his grip. 

‘Dead sure. Do you even know how it feels right now? I’ve never felt like this’ he leads Beomgyu’s hand to his hard-on, his voice sounding fainter by the second ‘I need you right now.’ 

‘Okay.’ he coos sweetly as he helps Soobin out of his restrictive clothing ‘Anything you want.’ 

‘I need you to use me.’ he begs, his assertive tone sending a tingle down Beomgyu’s spine. Soobin was always straight-forward with his words, but it never stopped having this effect on him. ‘Use me until I can’t take it anymore.’ 

Beomgyu released a weak chuckle, leading his boyfriend by the hand so they can get comfortable on the bed ‘Impossible. Even without the vampire juice, your stamina is crazy.’ 

‘Fine, whatever. Just don’t stop until you’re satisfied, then.’ 

‘I like the sound of that.’ 

‘And don’t go soft on me.’ he adds, carefully adjusting Beomgyu on his lap. He still plans on being gentle with prep, giving Beomgyu time to be properly stretched out and to match his current state of mad desire, but he’s had enough of holding back and putting up with the way Beomgyu always has to treat him like he’s fragile. Now that he’s virtually indestructible, he’s practically shaking at the opportunity to watch him unleash the full potential of their intimacy now that they stand on equal ground. ‘Bite me, scratch me, I don’t care. Fuck, I need you so bad.’ 

Beomgyu isn’t sure how to react, not used to having Soobin all to himself in this way, but his body is certainly reacting to his words immediately. It’s not that they weren’t both givers, always willing to indulge the other, but Soobin definitely had always had particular taste for getting a little rough – a taste that he hadn’t considered up until now might work the other way around, too. However, looking at the hunger in his lover’s eyes as he slid down his length and started setting a comfortable pace, it became clear that the desire for Beomgyu to reciprocate had always been there, only buried down deep out of his sight out of understanding for Beomgyu’s own fears. The way Soobin was holding on to him now, strong secure grip while still ensuring Beomgyu had the freedom of movement to take the lead, made him blush slightly, utterly unprepared to allow him to see him lose control like this for the first time. 

‘Something wrong?’ Soobin whispers, lying back against the headboard in his best attempt at looking relaxed. Despite the overwhelming desire clouding his mind, on top of the sudden boost of energy that his new condition provided, he would never allow any selfish needs to mess with Beomgyu’s comfort. 

‘No... I’m just not sure what to do...’ 

‘What do you mean, baby? You’re driving me crazy. Just move.’ 

‘I am!’ 

‘Are you trying to edge us here? Cuz I mean- It’s cool if that’s something you wanna go for, but for the love of Christ, let me cum at least once first.’ 

‘N-no, I wanna give you what you want, I just don’t know where to start.’ 

Soobin grunts in mild frustration, pulling down on him a little more harshly so that he could adjust his grip and their position without having to lift him off completely. Once settled a little better, he could work his hips up to meet Beomgyu as well, encouraging him to meet him halfway in a slightly more frenetic rhythm.  

‘Don’t get shy on me now.’ Beomgyu experiments with nibbling on his neck, tentatively sucking at a particularly sensitive spot on Soobin’s neck that had him groaning in satisfaction. ‘So good. Keep going.’ 

‘I’m scared to hurt you’ he admits shyly, testing the feeling of dragging his nails down Soobin’s back, which he responds to by moaning lewdly right in his ear. 

‘You’re fucking kidding me. You could shoot me in the head right now and I’d be fine.’ 

‘You know what I mean. It could still hurt.’ 

‘I’ll be fine ’ he scoffs, ripping shy whimpers out of Beomgyu as he thrusts into him just right ‘What you’re hurting right now is my dick.’ 

‘Maybe I could just turn around and let you do it the way you like it.’ 

‘Baby’ he whines, almost begging at this point. ‘Don’t deny me this now that I can finally have it. I’m going to die if I don’t have you like this.’ As if to encourage him further, he spits into his hand so he can tease Beomgyu, holding it still around him, denying him the pleasure of friction. 

‘Oh my god.’ he cries out, finally properly chasing after his pleasure, his knees pressing down around Soobin as he starts the movement back up. Soobin keeps up his encouragement in his ear, relief evident in his breathy sighs, but he doesn’t resume movement with his hand for now, enjoying the sight of Beomgyu’s neediness.  

Allowing himself to let go of his worries and trust Soobin, he holds himself up better by his strong shoulders and assumes control of the pace, connecting their mouths so that he can get over the slight embarrassment dusting his cheeks pink. The two fall into a true frenzy of desperation, reaching to kiss and suck at whatever expanse of skin they can reach, and soon enough Beomgyu’s whines reach the signature high pitch that always sounds like music to Soobin’s ears. Encouraging him, he wraps his hand around him again, pumping vigorously at an unstable rhythm, unable to focus on anything other than the sound he’s making and the need to keep him firm and steady against him.  

Realizing his intentions, Beomgyu detaches his lips from his neck for a second ‘N-no, you first.’  

‘Fuck no, I need to see this.’ He doesn’t stop his ruthless movements, applying more pressure as he increasingly speeds them up, laser focused on Beomgyu’s blissful expression ‘On my chest, please.’ 

Beomgyu cries out once again, calling him crazy, but he’s just as desperate to give into him, scratching down his chest harshly. At the sudden sight of blood, he stutters slightly, although it seems to motivate Soobin even more.  

‘Shit, sorry.’ 

‘Sorry?’ he grunts, the effort of his movements making his forehead gleam and his voice come out even more strained ‘Do it again.’ 

Beomgyu didn’t think it was possible to be even more turned on, but Soobin kept proving him wrong. He traced over the scratch lightly with his fingertips, noting how the skin had already healed back to its original smoothness, and tentatively leaned forward to lick a stripe up his chest, the taste of Soobin’s sweat and the trail of blood left behind doing little to deter from his arousal at the action. Soobin only shamelessly moans under him, gripping his thigh impossibly tighter and tilting his neck back as an invitation.  

Reaching a level of ecstasy he had never been able to attain with their previous limitations, Beomgyu makes a mess on Soobin’s chest, slowing down to catch his breath and steady himself properly.  

‘Right, your turn. Give me a minute.’  

‘It’s fine, go on, get off.’ 

Beomgyu doesn’t move from his position, straddled over his lap, shaking his head despite the exhaustion. His muscles are still working on the recovery, but he’s too proud to leave Soobin in this state, especially since he’s had the chance to finish twice already. ‘No, you’re not done.’ 

‘I’m not, but I got what I wanted. Take a breather. Let’s try something else.’ 

‘You sure?’ 

Soobin caresses his cheek gently, reassuring him. ‘Got all the time in the world now, don’t we? I was actually wondering about something...’ 

‘Hmm?’ Beomgyu eyes him suspiciously, unsure of where this might be going but still open to his suggestions. 

‘I wonder if I still taste the same?’ he offers him a teasing grin. 

Beomgyu squints slightly, feeling pretty amused at his train of thought, but also beginning to feel similarly curious the more he thought about it. ‘I guess we’ll find out.’ 

Soobin chuckles and relaxes back against the headboard, casually crossing his arms behind his head. This is going to be a long night. 

Beomgyu regards him for a while, his heart nearly bursting at the seams at this idyllic vision of the love of his life smiling with an ease that suited him like a glove. He couldn’t believe how lucky he got, and he couldn’t help but feel a bit emotional every time he took a second to properly process tonight’s events.  

Soobin was the only thing he was holding onto for the past years, the sole comfort keeping him grounded and preventing him from spiraling at the thought of forever – and now he no longer had to wonder about how it would feel to let him go every time he fell asleep by his side.  

He wasn’t naive; he knew the possibility of an eternity together didn’t mean it was guaranteed to them. Besides the chance to spend their days together, Beomgyu also had a thousand opportunities to mess it up, so he was never going to take Soobin for granted. But as he crawled over his lover that night, all he could think about was how this, the idea of getting to be together – this was something he could get used to. He’s a keeper, after all.  

⊹₊ ˚‧︵‿₊୨୧₊‿︵‧ ˚ ₊⊹

[lushinart]

[lushinart]

[lushinart]

I get no notes because as soon as someone finishes reading my post they are compelled to put down their phone and experience the wonders of the world around them with fresh eyes

[lushinart]

The trick is that they're all self inserts. Every character you write is an expression of some understanding of yourself, or desire for something better, or a million other things. It all comes from you.

[lushinart]

is there anything funnier than somebody who has a tumblr account trying to seem like theyre above fandom

[lushinart]

[lushinart]

[lushinart]

thought i'd do a little barista!soobin sketch for the fic but i think he accidentally turned out a little psychopathic looking. i think there's a little murder behind those eyes i'm so sorry soobie

Misplaced Loyalty

a choi beomgyu oneshot

₊⊹ summary: navigating a crush on your sweet new coworker Soobin proves harder than you thought when all of your thoughts are still stubbornly stuck on Choi Beomgyu. [ao3 link]

₊⊹tags: strangers to friends, best friends to lovers, light angst, no extremely heavy topics, happy ending, sfw but with suggestive themes

⊹words: ~11,5k

masterlist

Soobin has stuck around for about two full months now. Generally speaking, that is barely any time at all, but the sudden realization is enough to give me pause as I wipe down a table, small frown etched on my face as I try my best to recall his first day here. No, I’m not mixing the dates up in my head, it has definitely been at least two months since our superstar barista found his way into our shop and turned our entire dynamic on its head.   

He showed up out of nowhere on a slow day, inquiring if we happened to be looking for any help at the moment. At first, we were convinced he wouldn’t even make it through his entire first month. Not that he’s bad at the job; on the contrary, actually — he’s patient, polite, and any occasional mistake is easily overlooked once he flashes you his sweet apologetic smile and scrambles to fix it before you get the chance to call him out on it. For a couple of days, our groupchat is set alight with extravagant theories to explain his sudden appearance. We wonder if he’s just a broke small-town boy moving into the city in pursuit of his modeling dreams, silently scrutinize his outfits to try to make out his real wealth, theorize that maybe his super-rich family is threatening to cut his credit card access until he is deemed worthy. On one thing we all begrudgingly seem to agree: he’s too good for the mediocrity of this place. He’s perfect, almost too perfect, and we’re bound to not be the only ones to notice.  

The first time a customer crosses a line with him, my manager eyes me nervously, worry evident in the way her breath seems to catch in her throat, and I simply nod in understanding before grabbing the mop and intervening. The girl had made a big show of spilling the iced coffee all over herself, making a huge mess on the floor and garnering a few irritated looks from other tables. Her plans were obvious, no trace of subtlety in her tone as she offers to swap numbers with the stunned boy. Whether or not he picks up on it is unclear, but he seems to have no intention of giving into her wishes, quickly bowing in a profuse apology and muttering politely about a refund before fleeing back to the safety of the counter. Her friends avoid my eyes when I ask for some more room to clean, stifling their laughter as they scoot over closer to each other and shoot her some playful remarks.   

There is a tacit understanding between the staff that we now hang on a very fragile balance. Soobin is our golden boy, driving in decent traffic with all his non-coffee related charms, and we can’t bear the thought of losing him now. We experiment with his schedule, assign him to our slower shifts and watch in amazement as the small adjustment actually brings change about in no time. Once the borderline harassment starts to get too hard to ignore, we encourage him to stick to the work behind the counter, minimizing his interactions with the public, hoping the short chats at the register satiates them just enough to keep coming back.   

A few awkward conversations later and it becomes apparent that we were too quick to make big assumptions about this guy. As it turns out, he’s been in the city for a while, moving in a couple years prior to study at the nearby university, the main source of our customers. He had been working at another café but decided to leave due to some disagreements. Pinned under our curious gaze, he chooses not to elaborate, and we agree not to push out of sympathy for the poor guy. He’s also not as oblivious as we were willing to believe from his innocent demeanor, often joking about his dashingly good looks with a smirk once he’s comfortable joining in our closing hours banter. He’s more than used to handling all the attention he gets, and we collectively let out a breath of relief once the elephant in the room is finally addressed.  

Two weeks was all it took for him to be promptly adopted by Yeonjun. That’s sort of how it works in our friend group, a pretty random group of people brought together by his magnetizing personality. It’s hard not to want his approval, and winning it means you get to wander in his orbit and meet all his other ducklings, slowly mingling among ourselves until we all feel like family. He strutted into my workplace one day and the two of them just seemed to effortlessly click. A fan of Soobin myself, I ignored the annoying nerves building in my chest and encouraged Yeonjun to ask him to join us for an outing, which would inevitably turn into a permanent invite as he adjusted seamlessly with everybody.   

I was freaking nervous. Of course Soobin would be fine, he’s Soobin. What’s not to like? That’s the problem, I liked him a little too much. Now, that wouldn’t be a big deal when it comes to most of my friends; even if they weren’t simply oblivious to it, I could survive their knowing smirks and an occasional playful interrogation. It was Beomgyu I worried about.   

The first official group hangout happened about a month after I first met Soobin. Everyone knew about him by now, maybe even exchanged some words with him at the shop in passing, but Yeonjun was still strategic with it, arranging for us to meet at a mall to go see a movie. We could chat for a bit while waiting in line, get a feel for everyone’s comfort level while sharing snacks back and forth, and any silence would feel natural rather than awkward. There was still enough time for interactions, and if Soobin somehow managed to say anything outrageously stupid in the meantime, we could always politely part right after the movie and go hang out at someone’s place without him. It went quite well. A few of us desperately had to pee after demolishing all of our sodas during the session, and soon everyone was comfortably laughing and sharing their opinions while waiting for each other in the dimly lit corridor outside the bathroom.  Barely any intentional stalling was needed to catch a vibe from Soobin before he was dragged along with us for a long night spent sprawled across someone’s living room.   

Beomgyu took a liking to him just like everyone else. I had watched out for his subtle reactions, flittering glances thrown his way throughout the night going mostly unnoticed, but it seems that I had nothing to worry about. As we sat on the floor with our backs against the old couch later that night, I searched his face one more time for any indication of annoyance, only to find him snorting to another one of Soobin’s stories from work. His eyebrow quirked up slightly under my scrutinizing gaze, responding to my silent ‘So what do you think?’ with his reassuring smile, his hand rubbing my back a few times for good measure, a clear message being sent through his relaxed fingertips: ‘I like him’. I felt like a nervous teen after succeeding in introducing my boyfriend to my mom in high school, but the hard part was far from over. A harmless new friend is a far cry from your best friend’s crush, but a win is still a win, so I relaxed for the night and leaned into his side as I joined in on the banter.  

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶ ︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶  

Beomgyu and I were pretty good at non-verbal communication, a much-needed adjustment after we had gone from mostly hanging out one-on-one to mainly seeing each other in group settings. I’m kind of grateful for it now, although I’m sure the build-up of more complicated matters (matters that require actual words and explanations) relegated for a later date will end in a very uncomfortable conversation. He’s starting to catch up on my feelings towards Soobin, squinting between us subtly the first time he notices how I’m only glancing at him second after a joke. The second time, as soon as my gaze drifts from Soobin, adorably hunched over in laughter, and lands on him next, he’s tilting his head in puppy-like curiosity, a question dancing on his eyes. The look he shoots me isn’t accusatory yet, but I know what he wants to know, and eventually one of us is gonna have to bring it up. My stomach flips and I make a mental note to avoid getting caught again.   

I can’t quite put into words what I’m worried about. Deep down, I know Beomgyu both likes Soobin and genuinely wants the very best for me. The problem is that with the best friend title comes the belief that you know what qualifies as ‘best’, and Beomgyu does not, in fact, know shit about that. The current predicament can only be truly understood by those familiar with the fragility of the male ego. Soobin needs to be good, not better. He can’t be perceived as a threat, whatever the hell that might mean to Beomgyu.   

To be clear, Beomgyu and I aren’t the typical friends who spent their entire friendship in a game of sad mutual pining. I can confidently say we aren’t that clueless, although I can’t say whatever we actually are is any better. Sobbing in the backseat of Yeonjun’s car after one of our first hangouts, I pitifully confessed that I thought Beomgyu might be my right person, wrong time. Cliché, I know, and so did Yeonjun, but he just politely patted my arm in silence and allowed me to rant about how fucked up it is to fall for a close friend for almost an entire hour. Looking back, I can’t tell if it was all just the kind of run-of-the-mill sympathy I expected from him or a particular kind of pity, the one that comes from knowing something I don’t. In that moment, Yeonjun might have thought he was about to watch his friends be a real car-wreck in slow-motion, and he was preparing to be the very unenthusiastic airbag. Luckily, it worked out.   

At the time, my feelings had been boiling inside me for a while, and soon they began bubbling up to the surface in ways that were obvious to anyone who cared to notice. He could pretend not to see the blushing and awkward looks for a while, but not forever if he wanted to at least allow me to save some face. Once it finally got too awkward to avoid addressing, Beomgyu told me he was still recovering from when his ex had done a number on his heart. So I had my answer. I just needed a good cry in someone’s car and we were all good to go again.   

I can’t pinpoint when, but eventually I realized wrong time was just a really pitiful excuse to hold on to it. Actually, if I had to make an educated guess, it was probably after I watched him fall for someone else only a couple months after our conversation, but whatever. I was now sure there was no right time, which in turn made me accept he had to be the wrong person. The new perspective actually helped a lot, and soon after, when I was the one holding him as his sobs wrecked through his sore throat because they didn’t work out, I felt no twinge of satisfaction. I knew as soon as I opened my mouth to tell him I was sorry that I really meant it.  

Becoming interested in other people myself wasn’t as hard as I imagined either, but I learned very quickly to keep those things to myself. Beomgyu could be a real asshole, even when he masked all his judgement and criticism behind poorly thought-out jokes. After one too many amused told-you-sos, I made sure to warn him that his comments got on my nerves, so my following crush announcements were now met with lukewarm encouragement at best, which I appreciated. Sometimes, this kind of effort contributed much more to maintain our dynamic than sincerity.   

I know Beomgyu will hesitate to directly ask me about Soobin, even though everything about his demeanor screams that he’s dying to know. This time things are different. They know each other and we all hang out together, so he can’t exactly be a bitch about Soobin and pick him apart without consequence. When I lay in my bed twisting and turning as sleep insists on evading me, this is the thought that comforts me the most: this is different. Even if he let his childish thoughts take over, poisoning his mind with bitterness towards Soobin, he would never do anything about it. He knows how jealousy could come across, and he has grown far too careful and protective of our friendship to give me any false hope anymore. Beomgyu may have some trouble rationalizing his emotions sometimes, but he’s not cruel.   

Even so, I was fully willing to let Soobin be just another one of my crushes, existing on a theoretical plane that never reaches its arms far enough to touch our delicate friendship. It’s there, and I do all the dumb embarrassing things you do when you’re dealing with those pesky feelings, acknowledge it as a thing much like you may acknowledge the weather, and that’s it. But this time, there is one little factor that I forgot to take into account (mostly because I didn’t even think it would get this far): I might actually get the boy. Now what?  

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶  

Soobin and I have been spending a lot of time together. What started as a pretty average relationship between coworkers soon yielded a comfortable routine comprised of frequent casual texts and lunches together. I was surprised at Soobin’s availability to form an actual bond with me. He is, after all, a big beacon for attention, so I half expected a sort of polite resistance to my efforts for closeness at first. Being met with none, I prayed to the coffee gods, grateful for having such a convenient, unsuspecting place in the popular boy’s life.   

His good looks certainly helped, but what aroused the most curiosity about Soobin for me was his relaxed willingness to listen. I figured someone like him must deal with a fair share of boring conversations already — I imagine him graciously nodding along, always humming precisely at the right times as people try their best to impress him. I didn't want to burden him with my useless rants right away, encouraging him instead to lead the conversation and lending a listening ear. Unexpectedly, I found myself blabbering back just as much because, as it turns out, Soobin asks a LOT of questions.   

That is how, after the ice was definitively broken, we found ourselves bickering like an old couple at the shop, shooting hushed quips back and forth between the necessary customer service pauses.  

 'That is the most braindead take I've ever heard.' I tease, an amused smile adorning my face as I lazily mop the floor, sticky with the spills from the overly sweet beverages.  

 'Why?' He rounds the table to properly face me, arm still engaged as he viciously rubs at a particularly stubborn stain. 'He's supposed to be a good guy, that's why I like him.'.  

 'What makes you say that?' I shoot back 'Just because he had a good moment? That doesn't erase the other crazy stuff!'   

He looks genuinely flabbergasted at my request for an explanation, probably secure in his belief that his opinion is simply the most obvious one. ‘Well why else would that scene be there?’  

‘Well bad people are still people, they aren’t walking around being awful 24/7, that would just make the character have no depth if he was cartoonishly evil like that, right?’  

He mulls it over for a second, settling on a simple shrug. ‘I just think we’re supposed to forgive him or something.’  

I scoff, but we quickly move on to a different subject, occasionally bickering here and there. Before he goes to finally put down the wet rag, he playfully hits my shoulder with it, scurrying to the back before I can retaliate. I threaten to shove the mop somewhere very unpleasant and he responds with delightful laughter from behind the counter, where he’s ducking like a little kid in trouble.   

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶ ︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶  

Soobin’s not working today, and that’s how I find myself contemplating his time here. This is usually when his influence on me and the café hits the most, in the quiet moments when the lack of him is so obvious. Two months is simultaneously surprisingly long for us to have been able to keep him around and way too short for me to feel this strongly about him. It’s crazy to think a few weeks was all it took for his absence to be so felt, so bothersome. But that’s just how it is: there is no life I can imagine anymore that doesn’t include Soobin in it.  

Still, I know I’m probably getting ahead of myself, especially because his newness might be a big contributing factor to his attractiveness. Well, that and the fact that he measures up really well against a certain past infatuation. I keep finding myself unwittingly comparing their traits in my head — Soobin is taller, always gives me a lot of space to expand on my thoughts, and he takes special care with his appearance, a nugget of knowledge I had the pleasure of acquiring when I caught a glimpse of his impressively toned stomach as he casually stretched once, t-shirt riding up just enough to allow for a decent view. Every time I catch myself doing it, I scold myself mentally. I’m aware that Soobin does not deserve to be compared to anyone else, and guilt always creeps into my musings, but I simply cannot avoid these thoughts. Besides, isn’t that normal? Don’t we all compare our current circumstances to our past experiences, perpetually seeking out the bright side? Surely, I must also have a few boxes to tick and expectations to live up to in Soobin’s mind.  

 Then I think of Beomgyu, wonder if he thinks of it too, if it bothers him even a little bit to think I might see Soobin as an upgrade, and my conscience is back to nag me. Should this thought bother me that much, though? Isn’t it fair to move on, preferably to someone who makes me happier? But I’m just fooling myself, waiting for my rationality to finally soothe the doubts I know I’m still fighting. The truth is, I don’t want him to feel that way. I want to keep his mind from its darkest corners, to protect him like he never thought to protect me when I was the one watching him hand in hand with someone else. My awareness of all of this, of my misplaced loyalty, keeps getting harder and harder to ignore.  

Worst of all, all these so-called ‘improvements’ might just be the world’s biggest cope. Soobin is a wonderful guy, charming in ways I can’t properly put into words, but I do my best to anyway because I need to pinpoint them. I need him to be better because I couldn’t have what I really wanted, and that’s the very best comfort I could find in this situation.  

 In reality, his attractive height might make us look cute, but it bothers me once I realize my head would sit all wrong in the middle of his chest, too far from his neck to properly breathe in his scent or place a chaste kiss on his bare skin. He looks amazing, but it makes me feel weird to assign any value to that sort of superficiality. Lastly, and perhaps what annoys me the most to not be able to appreciate in full, Soobin is a freaking sweetheart, a really considerate one, always perfectly matching my heated energy in every stupid conversation without ever really crossing any lines. He’s really cute when his face is twisted into his signature confused frown, mouth open in a pout as if he’s waiting for the right words to speak themselves before eagerly launching himself into an argument, hands enthusiastically waved about as if crucial to his explanation. I appreciate his demeanor, a perfectly acceptable balance between being a gentleman and deranged, but my thoughts often trail to Beomgyu, the way his stubbornness was always perfectly orchestrated to get on my nerves and how he so graciously presented me with the chance to escalate our fight to a messy wrestling match on the couch. It’s fucked up, I know, but he always left the sweetest bruises.  

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶  

‘What are you talking about?’ Kai barely glances up from his phone, the sound of potentially juicy gossip the only thing that has managed to make him acknowledge our presence for the past hour.   

‘Oh, now you care.’ I tease, faking some annoyance ‘Yeonjun, you’re up’ I instruct him to recall the highlights of our conversation for me, sinking deeper into my chair.  

‘Someone’s got a date with Soobin.’ He raises his eyebrow suggestively, establishing eye contact with Kai.  

‘And what’s the problem with that?’  He adjusts his position on the couch, as if to signal we finally got his attention ‘Don’t you like each other?’  

‘Well yeah, I guess, b-’  

Rudely interrupting my sad excuse for an answer, Yeonjun quips ‘But you are scared shitless.’  

‘Am not! I see the guy all the time, that’s the problem. I’m not actually sure if this qualifies as a date.’ My voice trails off pitifully as I voice my thoughts, receiving an incredulous look from the blond boy. ‘What!?’ I squeak out defensively.  

‘How do you not know?’  

‘W-’ I take a deep breath ‘You would have known by now if your loser ass wasn’t more interested on that screen you’ve got there’ I huff.   

He’s not impressed, judgement seeping from his half-lidded stare.  

‘He suggested we go to his favorite restaurant together the next time we get off the afternoon shift together’ I explain, nervously bouncing my leg to a frenetic rhythm. ‘We eat together all the time, so this could literally mean nothing. There was something in his tone, though’ I quickly add.  

‘So it was flirty?’  

‘I think so, yeah.’ I mutter awkwardly.   

Yeonjun takes pity on my poor confused self and jumps back into the conversation, trying his best to reassure me ‘He likes you. He’s just playing it safe for now, getting a feeling for the vibes before he gets a little bolder with it.’  

‘I would too’ Kai deadpans. ‘Imagine it doesn’t work out and then you have to keep seeing each other at work.’  

Yeonjun and I share a stunned look of disbelief before they start a bickering match about what not to say to a friend in their time of need.  

‘Shut up, both of you.’ I let out an annoyed sigh ‘I get what you mean. But he’s Soobin, he can literally walk into any open shop and be welcomed with open arms. I’m telling you, if this all goes to shit, he better step up and quit.’  

‘Fair.’ Yeonjun nods.  

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶  

As it turns out, it was a date. Sort of, anyway. Since a couple months had been enough to cover the kind of stuff you usually expect to bring up on a first date, we ended up just talking like we always do, which didn’t help with my doubts. I couldn’t quite tell if he really was being more charming and inviting than usual, or if it just seemed that way because I had finally allowed myself to believe Yeonjun and consider he might actually be interested in me. After a nice meal during which we exchanged funny stories for a while and he told me all about this group project he was having trouble with lately, I managed to summon some courage from God knows where and shyly mumbled out some of the things that had been on my mind.  

He had looked completely disarmed in the moment, the warm dimmed lighting of the restaurant doing very little to hide the heat spreading through his face as he tried to carefully choose his next few words. I wasn’t faring too well myself, awkwardly chuckling as he stumbles mid-sentence here and there. He definitely didn’t expect this, probably hoping for our chemistry to naturally dictate the direction of the outing and speak for itself, my direct question catching him off guard and throwing him off his game. I reach out my hand to pat his arm reassuringly, letting him know it’s alright, he can breathe, there is no right or wrong answer to this. He explains as best as he can that he was indeed hoping to get closer to me, but he didn’t know how to do so without putting pressure on me, worried a miscalculated step might have a terrible effect in our work relationship and new friend group dynamic.   

‘I get it’ I lean back on the wooden chair and allow for some silence to settle between us, a moment to calm our restless heartbeats. I briefly admire the restaurant’s intricate wall details, sighing just before the silence stretches long enough to grow a palpable tension between us ‘It might be too early to act rashly, right? I’m kinda scared, too.’  

I see him scramble for the right words again, wanting to reassure me he’s not really expecting the worst, not trying to cower from anything before we can actually have the chance to explore our potential, and I’m chuckling again, endeared by his flustered hand movements.  

‘No, no, it’s okay. I feel the same way.’   

He finally releases some tension from his body, bunching up his jeans in his sweaty palms, chuckling back in relief. We agree to let things flow naturally, to not make a big deal out of it and let chips fall where they may in time. By the time we get our dessert, we are back to our relaxed conversation.  

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶  

This is the day. More out of some sense of obligation than anything resembling real disposition, I decide it’s time to have a proper conversation with Beomgyu. Our workplaces are close by, two of the many businesses that owe their steady traffic to the student body of the nearby university. We were once just like them, running through these streets, dripping overpriced artisanal gelato on the burning pavement in the suffocating summers and brushing shoulders under improvised jacket tents in the rainy days.   

His shift starts half an hour before mine, so sometimes I walk him to work and kill some time with him before walking down the street to the café, just like today. We walk into the building and I can immediately feel the familiar scent of this place enveloping me. There is something incredibly comforting about the fact that it never changes.   

Beomgyu has been working at this printing center for a while, practically getting adopted by the owner. She had taken a liking to him when he came over to print some song lyrics he planned to submit to one of his professors for feedback; apparently, the sweet lady had found him so endearing that this job position was his to take up before he even had to ask.   

I wandered into this very printing center one day, heavy shoulder bag pressing down on my tense muscles to the point of giving me a slightly funny walk, and dropped the bag on the front counter with a relieved sigh. The sound of the door alerted him to my presence, but I didn’t notice him approach me from the back of the shop, face practically shoved inside my bag as I frantically searched for my microscopic pen drive. I let out a frustrated grunt, pulling out my laptop and carefully setting it down to the side before shoving my arm back into the bag and rolling my eyes as my fingers come into contact with the rough edges of my keys for the thousandth time, the stupid little thing still nowhere to be found.   

‘You can empty it on the counter, if you want. I will be easier that way.’   

My head shoots up in surprise, blinking my poor tired eyes a couple times in order to bring the source of the voice into full focus, and suddenly I want the ground to swallow me whole. Right in front of me, in a moment that could have only been handpicked by Satan himself, is Choi Beomgyu, in all his glory. He’s tilting his head at me in amusement, taking in all the details of my disheveled appearance as he does a poor job of holding back his laughter. This is just what I needed to add onto this already shitty day. I had spent a restless night going over two tough assignments, dedicated to pushing through my annoying headache and a rumbling stomach until every last word was written down and properly formatted before I allowed myself to step back into the world of the living. This was the last thing I had to get done before having to hand them in the next morning, and I hadn’t bothered to shower or cover up my blooming dark circles before dragging my ass here to get the job done.   

‘Uh, that’s okay...’ I mumble out, drained of any life force.   

I curse myself mentally for not knowing how to be a functional human being. Why the hell didn’t I put the pen drive in a convenient spot to reach into if I knew I was going to need it as soon as I got here? I mean I know I’m fucking tired, but- Wait. No, I did. I reach into the back pocket of my jeans, and I simply close my eyes in disbelief, too tired to even properly emote at this point. I pull out the little blue device and hand it to Beomgyu.  

‘Just the two files in the Assignments folder, please.’ I weakly call out.  

‘Got it.’ He calmly sets about the task, his back turned to me as I put away my laptop and hurriedly comb through my hair in a manner I hope is not too desperate.  

I don’t think you’re supposed to comment on your customer’s stuff, but I watch as Beomgyu pulls out the freshly printed papers from the printer and reads the header of the first assignment, a smile on his face as he hands them to me.  

‘I’m pretty sure I’ve had that professor too!’ He cheerfully comments as his slender fingers dance over the register’s keys.  

‘I know’ I let out, before realizing how insane that may sound without added context ‘I mean- I remember you from a different writing class with him. Last semester.’ I quickly add.   

He shapes his mouth into a satisfied little ‘ah’, and I expect a polite smile, maybe followed by some excuse as to why he didn’t really recognize me, something like how he probably sat at the front of the class or just wasn’t good at remembering faces, but instead he offers me a beaming look of recognition, giddily nodding ‘I thought so. I wasn’t 100% sure though.’  

 I walk out through the door with a brand new pep in my step, smiling at the thought of Beomgyu trying to pinpoint my features in his recollections of the past, sure that I looked familiar but not wanting to risk making an ass out of himself in case he was wrong. That was over two years ago.  

Now, I absentmindedly hand him some paper to stash away somewhere as if I’m part of the staff myself. We’re really good at dancing around a topic when we want to, so I know I’m going to have to be more direct if I want this to happen. He already casually asked me earlier if Soobin is also working a shift today and I chickened out of talking about it, simply shaking my head in response, but I need to get this over with eventually.  

‘I wanted to talk to you about something.’   

He turns his head, searching my face for any indication of a sudden change in my mood, only to be met with my best attempt at a serene expression.  

‘Go on,’ He half-assedly motions with his hand for me to continue ‘I’m listening, just tidying this up over here.’   

‘I’m only bringing it up because some of the guys already know, and I figured it would be weird to not let my best friend in on it’ I preface, voice wavering slightly. I clear my throat, evening my tone as best as I can before ripping off the band aid in one go ‘Soobin and I have been getting along really well’ I start, regretting that he is currently with his back to me, which means I can’t fully dissect his reaction ‘So we like... have this thing going on right now. We’re not putting a name to it or anything. I guess you could call it like a talking stage, though.’  

There is no immediate reaction. While he’s working his way through digesting this information, I’m unintentionally holding my breath, a million outcomes running through my mind in mere seconds.  

And then ‘Oh, okay.’ He replies, not bothering to stop his movements or glance in my direction. ‘He’s cool.’  

I know that regardless of any question he might be itching to ask right now, he’s hesitant to. I had presented the crux of the situation in a straightforward way, so it wasn’t necessarily an invitation for any sort of opinion or advice. In a way, I was effectively leaving him with very little choice but to respond this way. Still, even after that fateful day when we established that Beomgyu was not to pester me anymore when it came to matters of the heart, it was never this simple. In fact, this was so uncharacteristic of him that it stirred something in me. Had I finally found someone good enough not even his overprotective critical eye could pick apart?  

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶  

There is a persistent breeze burrowing its way into our tousled hair as we walk aimlessly after a successful grocery run. Every one of our steps is accompanied by the crunchy sounds of our bags filled with all kinds of junk food and the skin of our arms keeps being bitten by the early fall chill, but none of us seems to mind as the wind echoes out our carefree laughter through the streets.   

We plan on finding some place to sit down and eat at some point, but for now we are just turning corners at random and catching up with each other. Kai and Taehyun are a few steps ahead, seemingly deeply engaged in a private conversation, and me, Yeonjun, Soobin and Beomgyu trail behind them at a leisurely pace.   

Yeonjun had been telling us about a ridiculous drama that ended up with his instagram account being temporarily suspended even though he had taken no part in any of the bullshit leading up to it when we come across an eye-catching billboard for a temporary art exhibition.   

‘Oh, isn’t that the thing you were talking about the other day?’ Soobin peaks his head from behind Yeonjun’s frame, trying to establish eye contact with me, and points excitedly.  

I turn to look in the general direction of his outstretched arm, perking up as I recognize the lively colors of the advertisement I had gotten a flier for just a few days ago. We’ve naturally halted to a stop to examine it together; to my left, Beomgyu squints to make out the text on the billboard.   

‘Yeah! That’s the one.’ I confirm with a pleased nod.  

‘We should check it out someday.’ Soobin offers nonchalantly.  

There was no big explosion, no crying babies or even sounds of sirens erupting in the background, but something in the air had shifted so violently in that moment that there may as well have been. This is, of course, only my dramatic recollection of what that single second felt like.  

‘Yeah.’ I mutter back.  

Surely picking up on how shaky my response had been, Soobin immediately turned to Yeonjun to ask for his availability, suggesting he should pick us up in his car if possible. I should feel guilty for making it awkward, forcing him to include our friends in our plans in an effort to cover it up, but I’m just thankful and relieved.  

His diversion had been quite smooth, and it probably would have been imperceptible if all the people present weren’t so aware of our current relationship. Yeonjun shoots him a funny look at first but is also quick to be on board, claiming he’ll find the time for it if need be. The moment was over quickly, but the look in Beomgyu’s eyes is something I’ll never be able to forget.  

The very millisecond Soobin had finished speaking, before I could even think to formulate a response, my eyes had landed on Beomgyu. It’s a very hard habit to break, that instinctive need to know what’s on his mind, and a quick scan of his face was enough, making my blood instantly freeze over. It’s hard to put into words the way he manages to channel so many feelings through just the slight downturn of his pressed lips, especially because he wasn’t trying to. In fact, he was probably trying his hardest to offer no reaction, but I know Beomgyu’s features in ways he couldn’t even know them himself, and I have no trouble recognizing the unique blend of emotions: sadness, fear, acceptance.  

He is distant for the rest of the day. He doesn’t go overboard with it, physically still as close as any one of my other friends would be, and I’m sure no one else even notices the difference, but I know it’s there. I sense his nervous glances and miss the usual spark in his eyes when he commands our attention with his jokes, now dimmed by something I wish I could reach out to and crush between my fingers. I know what it is, or at least my mind comes up with the only explanation it can for it. Even though he knew about Soobin and me, that moment was decisive. It was now being brought up so openly, so casually; he never would have admitted it, but maybe he was still hoping that all that time that had gone by, those weeks with no new developments, were a sign that nothing was going to happen at all — a hope that was completely shattered by this public admission. Now that it was out there, he had no choice but to accept it, taking it as his definitive sign that he no longer had the right to selfishly linger in our special dynamic, that vague space in which our closeness is not too much, but never enough.   

He might have still been around, sitting nearby, engaging with the group as if nothing had happened. Still, the distance between us could fit entire oceans; once you’d felt Beomgyu’s calm warmth, anything different from his usual closeness would feel like the coldest depths. All I can think about is how I can’t talk to him right now, the urgency sitting on my chest like an unbearable weight.   

Clarity is forced onto me without me even needing to rationalize anything. Of course I’ll have to come up with some sort of plan, act tactfully, but the path itself is obvious. There is nothing I wouldn’t give up to fix what was broken tonight.   

 ︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶

The next day, I text Soobin. I know he’s going to be as understanding as anyone could in these circumstances, and I make a promise to myself that I’ll try my very best to make it up to him for his relentlessly sweet disposition we don’t always deserve.  

Soobin is not completely ignorant of my bond with Beomgyu, so I’m sure this will not come as a huge surprise. Knowing how strongly Yeonjun cares about maintaining an open and laid-back atmosphere between all of us, I can imagine how he must have approached Soobin before, explaining our convoluted history in an effort to look out for him, just in case. I’m a little embarrassed it even had to be done, addressed in hushed tones as if it were some sort of dirty secret, but I’m really grateful I didn’t have to be the one to admit how weak my control over my own tender heart is.  Soobin has never attempted to bring it up in an accusatory manner, either out of sheer compassion or because he didn’t really see it as a threat at all. Perhaps he even shared the same pity for me as I had once seen reflected in Yeonjun’s eyes, watching me as if I were a fool trying to capture the wind with a net.   

I promise I’m not completely delusional; of course I didn’t expect to get a boyfriend and still maintain the same exact dynamic with Beomgyu as before. Allowing myself to imagine my life with someone new, I conceived a future where a new love filled me to the brim and forced my most stubborn feelings to overflow, spilling away into harmless territory. The thing is that I didn’t expect this , the distance, to feel this way; and if the breath stuck on his throat that day is anything to go by, neither did he. Is it toxic to hold this so close that I end up sabotaging any chance at an actual relationship with someone else in order to protect it? Maybe so. It has, however, become very apparent now that the delusion was in believing I even had a choice, that I’d ever willingly loosen my hold on it. I’m not giving up an inch of Choi Beomgyu.   

Soobin responds as expected, assuring me that he’s not upset at my choice to step back and continue on as just friends. He might even be a little relieved, glad to finally establish a clear course for our relationship after a few weeks of this limbo.  I cry a little into my pillow after writing out a long message of appreciation for his patience, telling him what an honor it is that he even gave me his time of day in the first place. He jokes that I’m being dramatic, lightening the mood, but follows up with a likewise genuine text.  

‘[10:38] I don’t regret getting to know you. You guys were the best thing about this summer.’ I clean up my tear-stained face, putting an end to my pity party as I allow his tranquilizing words to soothe me. Soobin has surely secured his place in heaven. 

I’m still a bit restless for the remainder of that morning, trying to gather enough courage to reach out to my distant ghost. I could just see him in two days, walk him to work as if nothing had changed, but that would not be the right time and place, and I can’t even trust myself to act normally until the end of our shifts, when I could finally get him alone.  

Eventually, I text him — it’s a small mercy, this warning sign of what’s to come, giving him time to prepare accordingly. For all I know, if I had simply brought up yesterday’s events out of nowhere, virtually ambushing him, he might have denied all of my assumptions, unsure of what I was asking of him. Instead, I take a terrifying leap and decide to let myself be vulnerable, to admit all of it for him. I tell him I need to see him, that I had broken things off with Soobin and want to talk about us. I don’t quite say the quiet part out loud ( I love you I love you I love you and fuck you for making me do this ) but I hope he can pick up on my urgency and read it all between the lines.   

‘ [17:53] ok. meet me here?’  

  ︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶ ︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶  

Beomgyu lives in a quaint one-bedroom apartment on a very lively street, the sound of everyone and their bustling lifestyle floating to the third floor like an eccentric, never-ending melody. I knock on his door and nervously shove my hand back into my pocket, rocking back and forth on the soles of my feet in anticipation.   

As he opens the door in silence, unsure of what to say, I take in the familiar living room one more time. He used to have a roommate who slept on a sofa bed in the corner, but Jeongin moved out right after we all finished our degree and now Beomgyu’s got the whole place to himself, the sofa all folded up now with some random pillows haphazardly thrown over it. The corner of my lip automatically tilts up as I feel nostalgic for the chaotic aftermath of our nights full of gossip and irresponsible drinking games, when we all ended up curled up on top of each other right there, the perfectly fine bedroom forgotten.  

I recall how one time, after one of our wild nights, Beomgyu had begged me to listen to him as he stated Jeongin was completely off limits, claiming he’d rather die than have to put up with both of us in the house.   

His tone had been deceitfully playful, and I matched it in full as I tapped my pouty lip in fake deliberation ‘Hmm, what if we just take it to my dorm instead, then?’  

In an instant, his smile had dropped and he stared back at me with an icy gaze. ‘That’s not funny.’ And that was the end of it.  

Beomgyu softly closes the front door behind me and awkwardly shuffles towards the kitchen to grab me a glass of water as I stand there looking around for a few seconds. He hands it to me with an expectant look on his face, not yet daring to ask the question that’s threatening to crawl out from his throat.   

I look into the cup, press my dry lips together, filled with indecisiveness, and mutter out ‘I’m not ready yet’, bringing the glass up to my lips and taking a small sip. He nods. Then, he grabs two cold drinks from the fridge, sets them down on the coffee table along with a bag of Cheetos, and fiddles with the blinds for a bit in order to dim the room’s lighting. We sit side by side on the couch and he hands me the TV remote.  

I pick out a random movie from our shared list and we settle into a comfortable silence only occasionally interrupted by the sounds of our sips and his slow chewing. A few minutes in, he pitches up his voice to make a lighthearted comment about someone’s ugly outfit, mocking my usual commentary. My nose scrunches up in exaggerated annoyance and I elbow his side playfully, shooting him a side glance before I begrudgingly admit it’s definitely something I would say. I’m grateful to him for setting the mood. Sighing softly, I lay my head on his shoulder; Beomgyu responds by snaking his arm around my figure, scooting slightly closer to lean into my touch.   

After a while, I feel him carefully trying to adjust his position against me to relieve his now numb muscles without disturbing me, and I flick his head impatiently, mumbling that he is an idiot for daring to act so hesitantly around me. I circle his torso with my arms, encouraging him to properly prop himself against me, and his body almost instinctively reacts by pushing one of my arms out of the way to rest his head on my lap. He lets out a little content sigh when I bury my hand in his shaggy hair and I tease him by comparing him to a well-behaved dog.   

Only a few seconds later, taking advantage of an unimportant transition in the movie, I croak out ‘Are we back to us?’  

From this angle, I can see him blink nervously and I almost regret asking before he’s right back to himself, responding with a nod, back snuggling into me even closer. The next few minutes are spent in silence as we both return our gaze back to the screen, but soon enough a small sniff coming from his still figure betrays the warm tears streaming down his cheeks. I know for a fact this is not an effect of the movie, but I don’t ask, not daring to interrupt my hand’s motion against his scalp.   

Another couple minutes go by and then, so low it would be easy to miss if every cell of my body wasn’t attuned to his, he whispers ‘I’m sorry.’  

He doesn’t know how to put his guilt into any other words. He wants to say he never meant for this to happen, express how he wishes he could have controlled himself better so that I would have never noticed his hurt. When he had read the texts, his throat had almost closed up with the suffocating feelings of regret that came crashing down on him. He had one job, how could he be so selfish as to be anything but happy for me as I had opened my heart to someone? And now, hearing my fragile voice, how eager I was to confirm we would make it through this too, those emotions were stirring within him once again, manifesting as that painful burning in the back of his eyes.  

I wonder how he expects me to acknowledge his quiet white flag, if he even wants me to reply at all or if that was just supposed to be his revised response to my previous question, feeling that a nod had not a been satisfactory enough admission that he, too, was aware of yesterday’s implications.   

‘Nothing to apologize for’ I reply softly.  

He rolls over carefully in my lap, movie now completely forgotten, and shakes his head. ‘I’m sorry’ he affirms — he’s not pleading, he’s not trying to request anything for me, my forgiveness or otherwise. He’s just trying to tell me as best as he can that he’s feeling shitty for his actions, confessing. I understand now.  

I shoot him a weak smile, trying my best not to let my own unshed tears fill my eyes to the brim. As amazing as he is at transcribing an impressive range of human emotion onto his songs, he’s not always great at expressing his feelings to me, but he’s trying his best. Taking advantage of this moment, both of us so willing to be vulnerable for once, I start telling him about some of the things that have been on my mind: how I know I’ve alienated him out of a part of my life before by avoiding telling him about my so-called romantic ventures, how I wish I could have gone about the Soobin thing more maturely and lastly, now with similarly tear-stained cheeks, how I never expected to feel so awful about yesterday’s outcome.  

He’s crying harder again, and I wipe a few of his tears away, begging him to tell me what’s on his mind.  

‘I’m sorry, I’m not good at this.’  

‘Try. Please.’ I plead.  

‘Sometimes...’ he starts ‘Sometimes I feel so dumb around you. It’s not your fault, but you always know exactly what to say and you have all these arguments for everything and, and-’ He takes a deep breath. ‘I feel stupid and scared that I can’t keep up with you, can’t make anything come across well. That’s why I’m like that...’ he avoids my eyes, lowering his tone almost down to a mere whimper ‘Why I just fight you. And you never get mad, so...’  

It makes me sad to hear he feels this way, but everything he’s saying makes sense, and deep down I think I’ve always known his reasons. Words are sometimes out of reach for him, but this thing we have, our physical proclamations, what he calls our fights, this is a language we both speak.   

‘I know. Our bodies have limitations though, you know...’ I let out softly, one last attempt at asking him to speak to me.  

He turns his back to me again, resigned to try but still a little bit uncomfortable at the idea. And then, at his own pace, he crafts his response to my speech. He assures me it’s not my fault for putting a stop to his past meddling in my private life, that I was right to set those boundaries since he was way out of line. I softly nod in appreciation for his understanding.  

‘If you want...’ he starts ‘You and Soobin...’ he sniffs once more, quickly wiping his stuffy nose as he searches for better words, ‘I’ll do my best to act right, I promise. I was just cold before because I- I just didn’t... I just couldn’t control my reaction. It’s childish, I had no right to be jealous, but I wasn’t expecting how things were between you two and it hurt.’  

‘Yeah, no’ I nod quickly, signaling I see where he’s coming from but eager to put a stop to this particular thought process ‘It’s not your fault. I chose to end it. I just realized it’s not what I wanted. I mean... sure, you might have had a role in making me realize it, but I didn’t do it just to avoid making you sad.’  

‘Promise?’ he looks up at me expectantly.  

‘Yes. I hated how ridiculously scary the thought of losing us was.’  

‘You’re not gonna lose me.’  

‘But you pulled back from me.’ I point out, hurt evident in my hushed tone.  

‘I just didn’t think it was right- you know- like, in front of Soobin’ he stumbles on his words.  

I interrupt before he can go back to his attempts at defending his behavior ‘Don’t do it again. Ever. I don’t care even if it means there can be no one else.’  

He doesn’t expect that sort of crazy statement to flow from my lips so casually, frowning in bewilderment ‘That’s so fucked up, though. I can’t do that to you.’  

‘Beomgyu, don’t act like you don’t know how I feel about you. You’re not, like, forcing me into a sad life of celibacy. I’m just not at the point I thought I was and I didn’t want to end up hurting Soobin because of it.’  

‘What do you mean?’  

‘Hmm?’  

‘How do you feel about me?’ He presses.  

‘Is this you trying to get me to beat your ass again right now?’ I joke, but he’s looking up at me with his big confused eyes and I don’t think he’s just choosing to act willfully ignorant right now. I blink three times in confusion, gathering my thoughts ‘What do you mean? I like you, I told you. We don’t need to tiptoe around it, even if our friendship has kinda only survived this long by ignoring it.’  

I feel something shift in the air as he takes in his next shaky breath, eyes flittering about as if he’s finding this information hard to compute. ‘...Still?’  

‘Wh-’ I search for the right words, any words, confronted by the embarrassment of having to dwell on this, like a ruthless finger pressing down on a fresh bruise ‘Well, yeah.’  

‘Oh.’ he mutters.   

I try my very best not to start shaking his shoulders in frustration, keeping in mind that Beomgyu needs his time to process things before he can offer a proper, thoughtful reaction. Still, I hate the direction this conversation has taken, insecurity creeping into the surface of my every pore. ‘Did I just fuck us up again?’   

Before I can panic from the fear building up in my body, he interjects ‘N-no!’ and then, much softer, ‘No. I like you, too.’  

I beg your everloving pardon?   

‘What the fuck are you saying to me right now, Choi Beomgyu?’ I force the words right out of my throat. ‘Measure your next words carefully, please.’  

He looks up at me like a scolded puppy and sets himself back upright, facing me on the couch, although his gaze is now cast downward. He’s got a lot to explain.  

I patiently reposition myself on the couch as well, tucking a leg under my weight in order to turn fully in his direction. He shyly reaches out both his hands across the space between us to fiddle awkwardly with the fingers of my right hand, his own way of apologizing for not being able to look at me right now. Both of our hands are kind of unusually warm from our nervousness, but I can barely register anything due to the pressure of my own frantic heartbeat drumming in my ears.   

He slowly beings to explain that he wasn’t trying to be an inconsiderate asshole and had in all honesty been under the impression that I had moved on from him by now. That was the one and only reason why he couldn’t have brought up his feelings earlier, back when he had first started developing them.   

You see, once you love someone all the way up to that point when the only thing that matters anymore is their happiness, when you can’t imagine being selfish with your desire for them, that is when you’re pretty much fucked, rendered powerless and bound to sit by and watch as they let their heart wander; sometimes closer, if you’re lucky, sometimes somewhere you can’t follow. You can’t even resent them for keeping you hostage in a cage with no walls. When he was distracted dating his ex, Beomgyu had not yet been at this point, but the breakup had led him right there.   

The short-lived relationship hadn’t been all that dramatic. It hadn’t been a battleground for many arguments; in fact, there were barely even any remarkable words exchanged, and none that he could bother to recall now. At first, it was the nothingness of it all that had attracted Beomgyu, happy to indulge in the superficiality of such an empty shell of a relationship for a while on account of its simplicity, but it was also its downfall in the end. Much to his dismay, he had found himself gradually becoming more and more annoyed by all the ways this sad excuse for a romance fell short in comparison to his connection with his best friend. He wasn’t necessarily ready to do a 180 and confess, still coming to terms with his feelings and all, but he had at the very least settled on the breakup.  

According to Beomgyu, he had quickly started going through some scenarios in his head, planning on doing something about us when it felt right, but things didn’t really go how he anticipated. Being held up in my arms, crying through his shameful recounting of the breakup, he had expected me to guide him right back to me, assure him he was better off by my side and plead with him to finally see me — but I hadn’t. What he saw in my eyes in that moment was nothing but sheer sympathy, a genuine effort from my part to comfort him with no second intentions. He wondered if this was the karmic payback he deserved for turning down his best friend so carelessly before.   

I shake my head in disbelief as he describes his way through his thought process, how he came to believe he was too late to chase after me. Of course he could have done so anyway, charmed his way right back into my heart, but guilt had twisted his insides into a cruel conviction that he was not worthy, not after what he had done. He had messed up our timing, so in turn he was to watch me choose a better man. Acknowledging this didn’t make watching me do it any easier, though. And boy, did his ill-timed flame have a talent for picking people who got on his nerves: smarter, funnier, impossibly handsome. All so unbearably different from him. And so, he had developed a talent for picking them apart, hope’s wretched arms shoving their way through his throat with venom at any chance, moved by the sick need to try to poison my mind with their flaws.   

‘I gave up hope when you told me how mad that stuff made you’ He continues. ‘I was just hurting you more. It’s all I do.’  

‘Its not, though. I stuck around anyway, didn’t I?’  

‘I guess... You are way too loyal. You should have told me to fuck off way earlier.’   

I chuckle softly despite the seriousness of the matter ‘Did you really think what made me mad was your temper? No. I just couldn’t understand why you suddenly knew how great I was when it came to other men but for some reason it never occurred to you to just step up and be the better option yourself.’ I start, weirdly thrilled at the chance to finally unload it off my chest ‘I mean, I knew you didn’t feel the same, you had made it clear for me before, so I had no reason to assume you were just feeling jealous. All of it just came across as pettiness.’  

He looks away in shame again but still makes an effort to provide his point of view. ‘I was wrong to do it, but I wasn’t coping well with the heartbreak. I literally just thought confessing would be even worse.’  

Silly boy. ‘Hurt me a little so you don’t hurt me a lot, uh?’ I tease ‘Well, you were actually just robbing me of the chance to love you.’ No, he wasn’t. I had never even stopped. Just because you choose the comforting dark of your closed eyelids, doesn’t make your bleeding heart any less red.  

He’s awkwardly rubbing his neck at my choice of words, not wanting to continue on this back and forth of conflicting points of view much longer but not quite knowing how to move this along from here. He just wants to know what’s supposed to come next.   

‘Is it okay if I kiss you now?’ I ask softly, resisting the urge to tease him even further by lifting his chin up with my hand. The direct question is a glaring violation of our habit of letting our bodies do the talking in moments like these, but the urge to be responsible for the pink hue spreading over his ears is so hard to resist and so, so worth it. Still, he knows he’s always welcome to switch back to our private language at will, so he does.  

The first contact is rougher than he intended so he quickly covers my lips with a million small, soft apologies. After a few seconds of adjusting to it, I wonder how I could have possibly lived so many years without the feeling of Beomgyu’s lips on mine.   

We are briefly startled by the sound of the end credits’ intense music in the background. His hand blindly searches the couch for the remote for a few seconds before he has to lift himself up to look for it properly. My amused laughter at his grumpy impatience makes him roll his eyes at me, and he retaliates by deciding this (terrible, by the way) song is not the worst soundtrack in the world after all, not bad enough that he can’t climb back over me and resume our make-out, a very effective method of drowning out my laughter.  

We turn into a real mess of tangled limbs, our hands reveling in the discovery of all the expanse we hadn’t uncovered in each other before.  Beomgyu’s fingertips had been made quite rough by tiny scars from pressing so hard on his guitar strings, but they feel so light as he tentatively squeezes my sides in his embrace. Still, once he ghosts them over my thigh, I shoot him a disapproving look, motioning with my head to the bag of Cheetos on the table.  

‘I’m not letting you touch me with your nasty cheese-infected fingers’ I swat his hand away and watch as he shoots me a look of mock offense, as if I had just doubted his gentlemanly ways. Before he can retort that he would never think to do such a thing, I propose ‘I have a better idea.’   

As I drag him by the hand to the bathroom, turning on the shower, any traces of that gentleman are long gone.  

    ︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶  

Two days later, we’re walking arm in arm down the street to his work. The sky seems to have unlocked a range of brand new hues just for us, making everything seem like a dream we don’t have to wake up from as long as we don’t let go of each other.   

He turns to me to ask if I think it’s going to be awkward with Soobin today.  

‘I don’t know,’ I answer in earnest, ‘but it doesn’t matter, I’m expecting it. We’re probably gonna need some time.’  

We walk into the printing center and warmly greet the owner. She responds with the usual pleasantries, asks if we ate well and apologetically asks Beomgyu for his help with some boxes as her back had been bothering her that day. He immediately moves in her direction, gently pushing her down into a chair to rest before we both get to moving the stock into its proper place, tidying up in no time.   

They had a big order to get through today, but it was monotonous work. After a while, I lazily slip down from the desk I had been sitting on, looking up from my phone at his working figure occasionally. It’s about time to get going for me.   

Before I can slip away for the day, he asks me to pick up something for him from one of the printers in the front row. I don’t think much of it as I stroll over, but a loud snort makes its way out of my mouth as soon as my eyes land on the single piece of paper sitting on the tray. In big obnoxious letters in the Comic Sans font are two simple words: ‘Be mine?’.  

I walk back over to him with it in hand, pointing at it in amazement.  

‘Oh my god, I totally think we might have had the same writing professor. Hmm, yes.’ I pretend to analyze it carefully one more time ‘I definitely recognize this beautiful cadence.’ I joke.  

He laughs along with me but stands awkwardly with his hands shoved into the back pockets of his jeans, waiting for my actual answer.   

‘Yeah, sure, I think this is a great proposal.’ He slides closer in response, wrapping an arm around my waist. ‘But you’re gonna have to upgrade the amount of paper you spend on me if you wanna keep me around. I’m only dating you for the unlimited copies, you know?’

He hits my arm in disapproval but joins in on the playful teasing in the same beat. ‘Just know I’m expecting free coffee in return.’  

I scoff. ‘Yeah, no. But I’ll see what I can do about adding a few unauthorized stamps to your loyalty card, how’s that?’  

He shakes his head in disappointment. ‘Damn, I guess I’ll have to try a Starbucks barista next, then.’  

I let out an incredulous laugh and tousle his hair. We quickly press our lips together as a farewell for now.   

I walk a little briskly to work, probably already a couple minutes behind schedule by now. As a result, I look a little flustered as I walk in. Soobin is already putting on his apron behind the counter, and he looks up at me with a knowing smile, as if he can see right through the soft blush on my cheeks, amusement dancing in his eyes.   

Yeonjun must have already told him about the recent developments. Oh, my sweet little snitch. I make a mental note to ask him later if he plans on comforting Soobin for me, too, if he thinks he’s all that subtle with his moves in the dark. I’m once again grateful to him for sparing me from another awkward conversation, though.  

 If there’s any trace of bad blood between us, he doesn’t let it slip even once through his usual cheerful tone, and the whole shift goes by without a hitch. Soobin and I don’t share a telepathic ability to speak our minds through brief glances, though. Thats why, when closing time eventually rolls around, I thank him for being my friend with actual words. 

taglist: @jellyyjn

a/n: I apologize for any possible formatting mishaps! I didn't write directly on the tumblr app and I did my best to correct the ones I found but I might have missed a couple ^^

masterlist

[lushinart]

Misplaced Loyalty

a choi beomgyu oneshot

₊⊹ summary: navigating a crush on your sweet new coworker Soobin proves harder than you thought when all of your thoughts are still stubbornly stuck on Choi Beomgyu. [ao3 link]

₊⊹tags: strangers to friends, best friends to lovers, light angst, no extremely heavy topics, happy ending, sfw but with suggestive themes

⊹words: ~11,5k

masterlist

Soobin has stuck around for about two full months now. Generally speaking, that is barely any time at all, but the sudden realization is enough to give me pause as I wipe down a table, small frown etched on my face as I try my best to recall his first day here. No, I’m not mixing the dates up in my head, it has definitely been at least two months since our superstar barista found his way into our shop and turned our entire dynamic on its head.   

He showed up out of nowhere on a slow day, inquiring if we happened to be looking for any help at the moment. At first, we were convinced he wouldn’t even make it through his entire first month. Not that he’s bad at the job; on the contrary, actually — he’s patient, polite, and any occasional mistake is easily overlooked once he flashes you his sweet apologetic smile and scrambles to fix it before you get the chance to call him out on it. For a couple of days, our groupchat is set alight with extravagant theories to explain his sudden appearance. We wonder if he’s just a broke small-town boy moving into the city in pursuit of his modeling dreams, silently scrutinize his outfits to try to make out his real wealth, theorize that maybe his super-rich family is threatening to cut his credit card access until he is deemed worthy. On one thing we all begrudgingly seem to agree: he’s too good for the mediocrity of this place. He’s perfect, almost too perfect, and we’re bound to not be the only ones to notice.  

The first time a customer crosses a line with him, my manager eyes me nervously, worry evident in the way her breath seems to catch in her throat, and I simply nod in understanding before grabbing the mop and intervening. The girl had made a big show of spilling the iced coffee all over herself, making a huge mess on the floor and garnering a few irritated looks from other tables. Her plans were obvious, no trace of subtlety in her tone as she offers to swap numbers with the stunned boy. Whether or not he picks up on it is unclear, but he seems to have no intention of giving into her wishes, quickly bowing in a profuse apology and muttering politely about a refund before fleeing back to the safety of the counter. Her friends avoid my eyes when I ask for some more room to clean, stifling their laughter as they scoot over closer to each other and shoot her some playful remarks.   

There is a tacit understanding between the staff that we now hang on a very fragile balance. Soobin is our golden boy, driving in decent traffic with all his non-coffee related charms, and we can’t bear the thought of losing him now. We experiment with his schedule, assign him to our slower shifts and watch in amazement as the small adjustment actually brings change about in no time. Once the borderline harassment starts to get too hard to ignore, we encourage him to stick to the work behind the counter, minimizing his interactions with the public, hoping the short chats at the register satiates them just enough to keep coming back.   

A few awkward conversations later and it becomes apparent that we were too quick to make big assumptions about this guy. As it turns out, he’s been in the city for a while, moving in a couple years prior to study at the nearby university, the main source of our customers. He had been working at another café but decided to leave due to some disagreements. Pinned under our curious gaze, he chooses not to elaborate, and we agree not to push out of sympathy for the poor guy. He’s also not as oblivious as we were willing to believe from his innocent demeanor, often joking about his dashingly good looks with a smirk once he’s comfortable joining in our closing hours banter. He’s more than used to handling all the attention he gets, and we collectively let out a breath of relief once the elephant in the room is finally addressed.  

Two weeks was all it took for him to be promptly adopted by Yeonjun. That’s sort of how it works in our friend group, a pretty random group of people brought together by his magnetizing personality. It’s hard not to want his approval, and winning it means you get to wander in his orbit and meet all his other ducklings, slowly mingling among ourselves until we all feel like family. He strutted into my workplace one day and the two of them just seemed to effortlessly click. A fan of Soobin myself, I ignored the annoying nerves building in my chest and encouraged Yeonjun to ask him to join us for an outing, which would inevitably turn into a permanent invite as he adjusted seamlessly with everybody.   

I was freaking nervous. Of course Soobin would be fine, he’s Soobin. What’s not to like? That’s the problem, I liked him a little too much. Now, that wouldn’t be a big deal when it comes to most of my friends; even if they weren’t simply oblivious to it, I could survive their knowing smirks and an occasional playful interrogation. It was Beomgyu I worried about.   

The first official group hangout happened about a month after I first met Soobin. Everyone knew about him by now, maybe even exchanged some words with him at the shop in passing, but Yeonjun was still strategic with it, arranging for us to meet at a mall to go see a movie. We could chat for a bit while waiting in line, get a feel for everyone’s comfort level while sharing snacks back and forth, and any silence would feel natural rather than awkward. There was still enough time for interactions, and if Soobin somehow managed to say anything outrageously stupid in the meantime, we could always politely part right after the movie and go hang out at someone’s place without him. It went quite well. A few of us desperately had to pee after demolishing all of our sodas during the session, and soon everyone was comfortably laughing and sharing their opinions while waiting for each other in the dimly lit corridor outside the bathroom.  Barely any intentional stalling was needed to catch a vibe from Soobin before he was dragged along with us for a long night spent sprawled across someone’s living room.   

Beomgyu took a liking to him just like everyone else. I had watched out for his subtle reactions, flittering glances thrown his way throughout the night going mostly unnoticed, but it seems that I had nothing to worry about. As we sat on the floor with our backs against the old couch later that night, I searched his face one more time for any indication of annoyance, only to find him snorting to another one of Soobin’s stories from work. His eyebrow quirked up slightly under my scrutinizing gaze, responding to my silent ‘So what do you think?’ with his reassuring smile, his hand rubbing my back a few times for good measure, a clear message being sent through his relaxed fingertips: ‘I like him’. I felt like a nervous teen after succeeding in introducing my boyfriend to my mom in high school, but the hard part was far from over. A harmless new friend is a far cry from your best friend’s crush, but a win is still a win, so I relaxed for the night and leaned into his side as I joined in on the banter.  

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶ ︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶  

Beomgyu and I were pretty good at non-verbal communication, a much-needed adjustment after we had gone from mostly hanging out one-on-one to mainly seeing each other in group settings. I’m kind of grateful for it now, although I’m sure the build-up of more complicated matters (matters that require actual words and explanations) relegated for a later date will end in a very uncomfortable conversation. He’s starting to catch up on my feelings towards Soobin, squinting between us subtly the first time he notices how I’m only glancing at him second after a joke. The second time, as soon as my gaze drifts from Soobin, adorably hunched over in laughter, and lands on him next, he’s tilting his head in puppy-like curiosity, a question dancing on his eyes. The look he shoots me isn’t accusatory yet, but I know what he wants to know, and eventually one of us is gonna have to bring it up. My stomach flips and I make a mental note to avoid getting caught again.   

I can’t quite put into words what I’m worried about. Deep down, I know Beomgyu both likes Soobin and genuinely wants the very best for me. The problem is that with the best friend title comes the belief that you know what qualifies as ‘best’, and Beomgyu does not, in fact, know shit about that. The current predicament can only be truly understood by those familiar with the fragility of the male ego. Soobin needs to be good, not better. He can’t be perceived as a threat, whatever the hell that might mean to Beomgyu.   

To be clear, Beomgyu and I aren’t the typical friends who spent their entire friendship in a game of sad mutual pining. I can confidently say we aren’t that clueless, although I can’t say whatever we actually are is any better. Sobbing in the backseat of Yeonjun’s car after one of our first hangouts, I pitifully confessed that I thought Beomgyu might be my right person, wrong time. Cliché, I know, and so did Yeonjun, but he just politely patted my arm in silence and allowed me to rant about how fucked up it is to fall for a close friend for almost an entire hour. Looking back, I can’t tell if it was all just the kind of run-of-the-mill sympathy I expected from him or a particular kind of pity, the one that comes from knowing something I don’t. In that moment, Yeonjun might have thought he was about to watch his friends be a real car-wreck in slow-motion, and he was preparing to be the very unenthusiastic airbag. Luckily, it worked out.   

At the time, my feelings had been boiling inside me for a while, and soon they began bubbling up to the surface in ways that were obvious to anyone who cared to notice. He could pretend not to see the blushing and awkward looks for a while, but not forever if he wanted to at least allow me to save some face. Once it finally got too awkward to avoid addressing, Beomgyu told me he was still recovering from when his ex had done a number on his heart. So I had my answer. I just needed a good cry in someone’s car and we were all good to go again.   

I can’t pinpoint when, but eventually I realized wrong time was just a really pitiful excuse to hold on to it. Actually, if I had to make an educated guess, it was probably after I watched him fall for someone else only a couple months after our conversation, but whatever. I was now sure there was no right time, which in turn made me accept he had to be the wrong person. The new perspective actually helped a lot, and soon after, when I was the one holding him as his sobs wrecked through his sore throat because they didn’t work out, I felt no twinge of satisfaction. I knew as soon as I opened my mouth to tell him I was sorry that I really meant it.  

Becoming interested in other people myself wasn’t as hard as I imagined either, but I learned very quickly to keep those things to myself. Beomgyu could be a real asshole, even when he masked all his judgement and criticism behind poorly thought-out jokes. After one too many amused told-you-sos, I made sure to warn him that his comments got on my nerves, so my following crush announcements were now met with lukewarm encouragement at best, which I appreciated. Sometimes, this kind of effort contributed much more to maintain our dynamic than sincerity.   

I know Beomgyu will hesitate to directly ask me about Soobin, even though everything about his demeanor screams that he’s dying to know. This time things are different. They know each other and we all hang out together, so he can’t exactly be a bitch about Soobin and pick him apart without consequence. When I lay in my bed twisting and turning as sleep insists on evading me, this is the thought that comforts me the most: this is different. Even if he let his childish thoughts take over, poisoning his mind with bitterness towards Soobin, he would never do anything about it. He knows how jealousy could come across, and he has grown far too careful and protective of our friendship to give me any false hope anymore. Beomgyu may have some trouble rationalizing his emotions sometimes, but he’s not cruel.   

Even so, I was fully willing to let Soobin be just another one of my crushes, existing on a theoretical plane that never reaches its arms far enough to touch our delicate friendship. It’s there, and I do all the dumb embarrassing things you do when you’re dealing with those pesky feelings, acknowledge it as a thing much like you may acknowledge the weather, and that’s it. But this time, there is one little factor that I forgot to take into account (mostly because I didn’t even think it would get this far): I might actually get the boy. Now what?  

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶  

Soobin and I have been spending a lot of time together. What started as a pretty average relationship between coworkers soon yielded a comfortable routine comprised of frequent casual texts and lunches together. I was surprised at Soobin’s availability to form an actual bond with me. He is, after all, a big beacon for attention, so I half expected a sort of polite resistance to my efforts for closeness at first. Being met with none, I prayed to the coffee gods, grateful for having such a convenient, unsuspecting place in the popular boy’s life.   

His good looks certainly helped, but what aroused the most curiosity about Soobin for me was his relaxed willingness to listen. I figured someone like him must deal with a fair share of boring conversations already — I imagine him graciously nodding along, always humming precisely at the right times as people try their best to impress him. I didn't want to burden him with my useless rants right away, encouraging him instead to lead the conversation and lending a listening ear. Unexpectedly, I found myself blabbering back just as much because, as it turns out, Soobin asks a LOT of questions.   

That is how, after the ice was definitively broken, we found ourselves bickering like an old couple at the shop, shooting hushed quips back and forth between the necessary customer service pauses.  

 'That is the most braindead take I've ever heard.' I tease, an amused smile adorning my face as I lazily mop the floor, sticky with the spills from the overly sweet beverages.  

 'Why?' He rounds the table to properly face me, arm still engaged as he viciously rubs at a particularly stubborn stain. 'He's supposed to be a good guy, that's why I like him.'.  

 'What makes you say that?' I shoot back 'Just because he had a good moment? That doesn't erase the other crazy stuff!'   

He looks genuinely flabbergasted at my request for an explanation, probably secure in his belief that his opinion is simply the most obvious one. ‘Well why else would that scene be there?’  

‘Well bad people are still people, they aren’t walking around being awful 24/7, that would just make the character have no depth if he was cartoonishly evil like that, right?’  

He mulls it over for a second, settling on a simple shrug. ‘I just think we’re supposed to forgive him or something.’  

I scoff, but we quickly move on to a different subject, occasionally bickering here and there. Before he goes to finally put down the wet rag, he playfully hits my shoulder with it, scurrying to the back before I can retaliate. I threaten to shove the mop somewhere very unpleasant and he responds with delightful laughter from behind the counter, where he’s ducking like a little kid in trouble.   

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶ ︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶  

Soobin’s not working today, and that’s how I find myself contemplating his time here. This is usually when his influence on me and the café hits the most, in the quiet moments when the lack of him is so obvious. Two months is simultaneously surprisingly long for us to have been able to keep him around and way too short for me to feel this strongly about him. It’s crazy to think a few weeks was all it took for his absence to be so felt, so bothersome. But that’s just how it is: there is no life I can imagine anymore that doesn’t include Soobin in it.  

Still, I know I’m probably getting ahead of myself, especially because his newness might be a big contributing factor to his attractiveness. Well, that and the fact that he measures up really well against a certain past infatuation. I keep finding myself unwittingly comparing their traits in my head — Soobin is taller, always gives me a lot of space to expand on my thoughts, and he takes special care with his appearance, a nugget of knowledge I had the pleasure of acquiring when I caught a glimpse of his impressively toned stomach as he casually stretched once, t-shirt riding up just enough to allow for a decent view. Every time I catch myself doing it, I scold myself mentally. I’m aware that Soobin does not deserve to be compared to anyone else, and guilt always creeps into my musings, but I simply cannot avoid these thoughts. Besides, isn’t that normal? Don’t we all compare our current circumstances to our past experiences, perpetually seeking out the bright side? Surely, I must also have a few boxes to tick and expectations to live up to in Soobin’s mind.  

 Then I think of Beomgyu, wonder if he thinks of it too, if it bothers him even a little bit to think I might see Soobin as an upgrade, and my conscience is back to nag me. Should this thought bother me that much, though? Isn’t it fair to move on, preferably to someone who makes me happier? But I’m just fooling myself, waiting for my rationality to finally soothe the doubts I know I’m still fighting. The truth is, I don’t want him to feel that way. I want to keep his mind from its darkest corners, to protect him like he never thought to protect me when I was the one watching him hand in hand with someone else. My awareness of all of this, of my misplaced loyalty, keeps getting harder and harder to ignore.  

Worst of all, all these so-called ‘improvements’ might just be the world’s biggest cope. Soobin is a wonderful guy, charming in ways I can’t properly put into words, but I do my best to anyway because I need to pinpoint them. I need him to be better because I couldn’t have what I really wanted, and that’s the very best comfort I could find in this situation.  

 In reality, his attractive height might make us look cute, but it bothers me once I realize my head would sit all wrong in the middle of his chest, too far from his neck to properly breathe in his scent or place a chaste kiss on his bare skin. He looks amazing, but it makes me feel weird to assign any value to that sort of superficiality. Lastly, and perhaps what annoys me the most to not be able to appreciate in full, Soobin is a freaking sweetheart, a really considerate one, always perfectly matching my heated energy in every stupid conversation without ever really crossing any lines. He’s really cute when his face is twisted into his signature confused frown, mouth open in a pout as if he’s waiting for the right words to speak themselves before eagerly launching himself into an argument, hands enthusiastically waved about as if crucial to his explanation. I appreciate his demeanor, a perfectly acceptable balance between being a gentleman and deranged, but my thoughts often trail to Beomgyu, the way his stubbornness was always perfectly orchestrated to get on my nerves and how he so graciously presented me with the chance to escalate our fight to a messy wrestling match on the couch. It’s fucked up, I know, but he always left the sweetest bruises.  

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶  

‘What are you talking about?’ Kai barely glances up from his phone, the sound of potentially juicy gossip the only thing that has managed to make him acknowledge our presence for the past hour.   

‘Oh, now you care.’ I tease, faking some annoyance ‘Yeonjun, you’re up’ I instruct him to recall the highlights of our conversation for me, sinking deeper into my chair.  

‘Someone’s got a date with Soobin.’ He raises his eyebrow suggestively, establishing eye contact with Kai.  

‘And what’s the problem with that?’  He adjusts his position on the couch, as if to signal we finally got his attention ‘Don’t you like each other?’  

‘Well yeah, I guess, b-’  

Rudely interrupting my sad excuse for an answer, Yeonjun quips ‘But you are scared shitless.’  

‘Am not! I see the guy all the time, that’s the problem. I’m not actually sure if this qualifies as a date.’ My voice trails off pitifully as I voice my thoughts, receiving an incredulous look from the blond boy. ‘What!?’ I squeak out defensively.  

‘How do you not know?’  

‘W-’ I take a deep breath ‘You would have known by now if your loser ass wasn’t more interested on that screen you’ve got there’ I huff.   

He’s not impressed, judgement seeping from his half-lidded stare.  

‘He suggested we go to his favorite restaurant together the next time we get off the afternoon shift together’ I explain, nervously bouncing my leg to a frenetic rhythm. ‘We eat together all the time, so this could literally mean nothing. There was something in his tone, though’ I quickly add.  

‘So it was flirty?’  

‘I think so, yeah.’ I mutter awkwardly.   

Yeonjun takes pity on my poor confused self and jumps back into the conversation, trying his best to reassure me ‘He likes you. He’s just playing it safe for now, getting a feeling for the vibes before he gets a little bolder with it.’  

‘I would too’ Kai deadpans. ‘Imagine it doesn’t work out and then you have to keep seeing each other at work.’  

Yeonjun and I share a stunned look of disbelief before they start a bickering match about what not to say to a friend in their time of need.  

‘Shut up, both of you.’ I let out an annoyed sigh ‘I get what you mean. But he’s Soobin, he can literally walk into any open shop and be welcomed with open arms. I’m telling you, if this all goes to shit, he better step up and quit.’  

‘Fair.’ Yeonjun nods.  

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶  

As it turns out, it was a date. Sort of, anyway. Since a couple months had been enough to cover the kind of stuff you usually expect to bring up on a first date, we ended up just talking like we always do, which didn’t help with my doubts. I couldn’t quite tell if he really was being more charming and inviting than usual, or if it just seemed that way because I had finally allowed myself to believe Yeonjun and consider he might actually be interested in me. After a nice meal during which we exchanged funny stories for a while and he told me all about this group project he was having trouble with lately, I managed to summon some courage from God knows where and shyly mumbled out some of the things that had been on my mind.  

He had looked completely disarmed in the moment, the warm dimmed lighting of the restaurant doing very little to hide the heat spreading through his face as he tried to carefully choose his next few words. I wasn’t faring too well myself, awkwardly chuckling as he stumbles mid-sentence here and there. He definitely didn’t expect this, probably hoping for our chemistry to naturally dictate the direction of the outing and speak for itself, my direct question catching him off guard and throwing him off his game. I reach out my hand to pat his arm reassuringly, letting him know it’s alright, he can breathe, there is no right or wrong answer to this. He explains as best as he can that he was indeed hoping to get closer to me, but he didn’t know how to do so without putting pressure on me, worried a miscalculated step might have a terrible effect in our work relationship and new friend group dynamic.   

‘I get it’ I lean back on the wooden chair and allow for some silence to settle between us, a moment to calm our restless heartbeats. I briefly admire the restaurant’s intricate wall details, sighing just before the silence stretches long enough to grow a palpable tension between us ‘It might be too early to act rashly, right? I’m kinda scared, too.’  

I see him scramble for the right words again, wanting to reassure me he’s not really expecting the worst, not trying to cower from anything before we can actually have the chance to explore our potential, and I’m chuckling again, endeared by his flustered hand movements.  

‘No, no, it’s okay. I feel the same way.’   

He finally releases some tension from his body, bunching up his jeans in his sweaty palms, chuckling back in relief. We agree to let things flow naturally, to not make a big deal out of it and let chips fall where they may in time. By the time we get our dessert, we are back to our relaxed conversation.  

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶  

This is the day. More out of some sense of obligation than anything resembling real disposition, I decide it’s time to have a proper conversation with Beomgyu. Our workplaces are close by, two of the many businesses that owe their steady traffic to the student body of the nearby university. We were once just like them, running through these streets, dripping overpriced artisanal gelato on the burning pavement in the suffocating summers and brushing shoulders under improvised jacket tents in the rainy days.   

His shift starts half an hour before mine, so sometimes I walk him to work and kill some time with him before walking down the street to the café, just like today. We walk into the building and I can immediately feel the familiar scent of this place enveloping me. There is something incredibly comforting about the fact that it never changes.   

Beomgyu has been working at this printing center for a while, practically getting adopted by the owner. She had taken a liking to him when he came over to print some song lyrics he planned to submit to one of his professors for feedback; apparently, the sweet lady had found him so endearing that this job position was his to take up before he even had to ask.   

I wandered into this very printing center one day, heavy shoulder bag pressing down on my tense muscles to the point of giving me a slightly funny walk, and dropped the bag on the front counter with a relieved sigh. The sound of the door alerted him to my presence, but I didn’t notice him approach me from the back of the shop, face practically shoved inside my bag as I frantically searched for my microscopic pen drive. I let out a frustrated grunt, pulling out my laptop and carefully setting it down to the side before shoving my arm back into the bag and rolling my eyes as my fingers come into contact with the rough edges of my keys for the thousandth time, the stupid little thing still nowhere to be found.   

‘You can empty it on the counter, if you want. I will be easier that way.’   

My head shoots up in surprise, blinking my poor tired eyes a couple times in order to bring the source of the voice into full focus, and suddenly I want the ground to swallow me whole. Right in front of me, in a moment that could have only been handpicked by Satan himself, is Choi Beomgyu, in all his glory. He’s tilting his head at me in amusement, taking in all the details of my disheveled appearance as he does a poor job of holding back his laughter. This is just what I needed to add onto this already shitty day. I had spent a restless night going over two tough assignments, dedicated to pushing through my annoying headache and a rumbling stomach until every last word was written down and properly formatted before I allowed myself to step back into the world of the living. This was the last thing I had to get done before having to hand them in the next morning, and I hadn’t bothered to shower or cover up my blooming dark circles before dragging my ass here to get the job done.   

‘Uh, that’s okay...’ I mumble out, drained of any life force.   

I curse myself mentally for not knowing how to be a functional human being. Why the hell didn’t I put the pen drive in a convenient spot to reach into if I knew I was going to need it as soon as I got here? I mean I know I’m fucking tired, but- Wait. No, I did. I reach into the back pocket of my jeans, and I simply close my eyes in disbelief, too tired to even properly emote at this point. I pull out the little blue device and hand it to Beomgyu.  

‘Just the two files in the Assignments folder, please.’ I weakly call out.  

‘Got it.’ He calmly sets about the task, his back turned to me as I put away my laptop and hurriedly comb through my hair in a manner I hope is not too desperate.  

I don’t think you’re supposed to comment on your customer’s stuff, but I watch as Beomgyu pulls out the freshly printed papers from the printer and reads the header of the first assignment, a smile on his face as he hands them to me.  

‘I’m pretty sure I’ve had that professor too!’ He cheerfully comments as his slender fingers dance over the register’s keys.  

‘I know’ I let out, before realizing how insane that may sound without added context ‘I mean- I remember you from a different writing class with him. Last semester.’ I quickly add.   

He shapes his mouth into a satisfied little ‘ah’, and I expect a polite smile, maybe followed by some excuse as to why he didn’t really recognize me, something like how he probably sat at the front of the class or just wasn’t good at remembering faces, but instead he offers me a beaming look of recognition, giddily nodding ‘I thought so. I wasn’t 100% sure though.’  

 I walk out through the door with a brand new pep in my step, smiling at the thought of Beomgyu trying to pinpoint my features in his recollections of the past, sure that I looked familiar but not wanting to risk making an ass out of himself in case he was wrong. That was over two years ago.  

Now, I absentmindedly hand him some paper to stash away somewhere as if I’m part of the staff myself. We’re really good at dancing around a topic when we want to, so I know I’m going to have to be more direct if I want this to happen. He already casually asked me earlier if Soobin is also working a shift today and I chickened out of talking about it, simply shaking my head in response, but I need to get this over with eventually.  

‘I wanted to talk to you about something.’   

He turns his head, searching my face for any indication of a sudden change in my mood, only to be met with my best attempt at a serene expression.  

‘Go on,’ He half-assedly motions with his hand for me to continue ‘I’m listening, just tidying this up over here.’   

‘I’m only bringing it up because some of the guys already know, and I figured it would be weird to not let my best friend in on it’ I preface, voice wavering slightly. I clear my throat, evening my tone as best as I can before ripping off the band aid in one go ‘Soobin and I have been getting along really well’ I start, regretting that he is currently with his back to me, which means I can’t fully dissect his reaction ‘So we like... have this thing going on right now. We’re not putting a name to it or anything. I guess you could call it like a talking stage, though.’  

There is no immediate reaction. While he’s working his way through digesting this information, I’m unintentionally holding my breath, a million outcomes running through my mind in mere seconds.  

And then ‘Oh, okay.’ He replies, not bothering to stop his movements or glance in my direction. ‘He’s cool.’  

I know that regardless of any question he might be itching to ask right now, he’s hesitant to. I had presented the crux of the situation in a straightforward way, so it wasn’t necessarily an invitation for any sort of opinion or advice. In a way, I was effectively leaving him with very little choice but to respond this way. Still, even after that fateful day when we established that Beomgyu was not to pester me anymore when it came to matters of the heart, it was never this simple. In fact, this was so uncharacteristic of him that it stirred something in me. Had I finally found someone good enough not even his overprotective critical eye could pick apart?  

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶  

There is a persistent breeze burrowing its way into our tousled hair as we walk aimlessly after a successful grocery run. Every one of our steps is accompanied by the crunchy sounds of our bags filled with all kinds of junk food and the skin of our arms keeps being bitten by the early fall chill, but none of us seems to mind as the wind echoes out our carefree laughter through the streets.   

We plan on finding some place to sit down and eat at some point, but for now we are just turning corners at random and catching up with each other. Kai and Taehyun are a few steps ahead, seemingly deeply engaged in a private conversation, and me, Yeonjun, Soobin and Beomgyu trail behind them at a leisurely pace.   

Yeonjun had been telling us about a ridiculous drama that ended up with his instagram account being temporarily suspended even though he had taken no part in any of the bullshit leading up to it when we come across an eye-catching billboard for a temporary art exhibition.   

‘Oh, isn’t that the thing you were talking about the other day?’ Soobin peaks his head from behind Yeonjun’s frame, trying to establish eye contact with me, and points excitedly.  

I turn to look in the general direction of his outstretched arm, perking up as I recognize the lively colors of the advertisement I had gotten a flier for just a few days ago. We’ve naturally halted to a stop to examine it together; to my left, Beomgyu squints to make out the text on the billboard.   

‘Yeah! That’s the one.’ I confirm with a pleased nod.  

‘We should check it out someday.’ Soobin offers nonchalantly.  

There was no big explosion, no crying babies or even sounds of sirens erupting in the background, but something in the air had shifted so violently in that moment that there may as well have been. This is, of course, only my dramatic recollection of what that single second felt like.  

‘Yeah.’ I mutter back.  

Surely picking up on how shaky my response had been, Soobin immediately turned to Yeonjun to ask for his availability, suggesting he should pick us up in his car if possible. I should feel guilty for making it awkward, forcing him to include our friends in our plans in an effort to cover it up, but I’m just thankful and relieved.  

His diversion had been quite smooth, and it probably would have been imperceptible if all the people present weren’t so aware of our current relationship. Yeonjun shoots him a funny look at first but is also quick to be on board, claiming he’ll find the time for it if need be. The moment was over quickly, but the look in Beomgyu’s eyes is something I’ll never be able to forget.  

The very millisecond Soobin had finished speaking, before I could even think to formulate a response, my eyes had landed on Beomgyu. It’s a very hard habit to break, that instinctive need to know what’s on his mind, and a quick scan of his face was enough, making my blood instantly freeze over. It’s hard to put into words the way he manages to channel so many feelings through just the slight downturn of his pressed lips, especially because he wasn’t trying to. In fact, he was probably trying his hardest to offer no reaction, but I know Beomgyu’s features in ways he couldn’t even know them himself, and I have no trouble recognizing the unique blend of emotions: sadness, fear, acceptance.  

He is distant for the rest of the day. He doesn’t go overboard with it, physically still as close as any one of my other friends would be, and I’m sure no one else even notices the difference, but I know it’s there. I sense his nervous glances and miss the usual spark in his eyes when he commands our attention with his jokes, now dimmed by something I wish I could reach out to and crush between my fingers. I know what it is, or at least my mind comes up with the only explanation it can for it. Even though he knew about Soobin and me, that moment was decisive. It was now being brought up so openly, so casually; he never would have admitted it, but maybe he was still hoping that all that time that had gone by, those weeks with no new developments, were a sign that nothing was going to happen at all — a hope that was completely shattered by this public admission. Now that it was out there, he had no choice but to accept it, taking it as his definitive sign that he no longer had the right to selfishly linger in our special dynamic, that vague space in which our closeness is not too much, but never enough.   

He might have still been around, sitting nearby, engaging with the group as if nothing had happened. Still, the distance between us could fit entire oceans; once you’d felt Beomgyu’s calm warmth, anything different from his usual closeness would feel like the coldest depths. All I can think about is how I can’t talk to him right now, the urgency sitting on my chest like an unbearable weight.   

Clarity is forced onto me without me even needing to rationalize anything. Of course I’ll have to come up with some sort of plan, act tactfully, but the path itself is obvious. There is nothing I wouldn’t give up to fix what was broken tonight.   

 ︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶

The next day, I text Soobin. I know he’s going to be as understanding as anyone could in these circumstances, and I make a promise to myself that I’ll try my very best to make it up to him for his relentlessly sweet disposition we don’t always deserve.  

Soobin is not completely ignorant of my bond with Beomgyu, so I’m sure this will not come as a huge surprise. Knowing how strongly Yeonjun cares about maintaining an open and laid-back atmosphere between all of us, I can imagine how he must have approached Soobin before, explaining our convoluted history in an effort to look out for him, just in case. I’m a little embarrassed it even had to be done, addressed in hushed tones as if it were some sort of dirty secret, but I’m really grateful I didn’t have to be the one to admit how weak my control over my own tender heart is.  Soobin has never attempted to bring it up in an accusatory manner, either out of sheer compassion or because he didn’t really see it as a threat at all. Perhaps he even shared the same pity for me as I had once seen reflected in Yeonjun’s eyes, watching me as if I were a fool trying to capture the wind with a net.   

I promise I’m not completely delusional; of course I didn’t expect to get a boyfriend and still maintain the same exact dynamic with Beomgyu as before. Allowing myself to imagine my life with someone new, I conceived a future where a new love filled me to the brim and forced my most stubborn feelings to overflow, spilling away into harmless territory. The thing is that I didn’t expect this , the distance, to feel this way; and if the breath stuck on his throat that day is anything to go by, neither did he. Is it toxic to hold this so close that I end up sabotaging any chance at an actual relationship with someone else in order to protect it? Maybe so. It has, however, become very apparent now that the delusion was in believing I even had a choice, that I’d ever willingly loosen my hold on it. I’m not giving up an inch of Choi Beomgyu.   

Soobin responds as expected, assuring me that he’s not upset at my choice to step back and continue on as just friends. He might even be a little relieved, glad to finally establish a clear course for our relationship after a few weeks of this limbo.  I cry a little into my pillow after writing out a long message of appreciation for his patience, telling him what an honor it is that he even gave me his time of day in the first place. He jokes that I’m being dramatic, lightening the mood, but follows up with a likewise genuine text.  

‘[10:38] I don’t regret getting to know you. You guys were the best thing about this summer.’ I clean up my tear-stained face, putting an end to my pity party as I allow his tranquilizing words to soothe me. Soobin has surely secured his place in heaven. 

I’m still a bit restless for the remainder of that morning, trying to gather enough courage to reach out to my distant ghost. I could just see him in two days, walk him to work as if nothing had changed, but that would not be the right time and place, and I can’t even trust myself to act normally until the end of our shifts, when I could finally get him alone.  

Eventually, I text him — it’s a small mercy, this warning sign of what’s to come, giving him time to prepare accordingly. For all I know, if I had simply brought up yesterday’s events out of nowhere, virtually ambushing him, he might have denied all of my assumptions, unsure of what I was asking of him. Instead, I take a terrifying leap and decide to let myself be vulnerable, to admit all of it for him. I tell him I need to see him, that I had broken things off with Soobin and want to talk about us. I don’t quite say the quiet part out loud ( I love you I love you I love you and fuck you for making me do this ) but I hope he can pick up on my urgency and read it all between the lines.   

‘ [17:53] ok. meet me here?’  

  ︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶ ︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶  

Beomgyu lives in a quaint one-bedroom apartment on a very lively street, the sound of everyone and their bustling lifestyle floating to the third floor like an eccentric, never-ending melody. I knock on his door and nervously shove my hand back into my pocket, rocking back and forth on the soles of my feet in anticipation.   

As he opens the door in silence, unsure of what to say, I take in the familiar living room one more time. He used to have a roommate who slept on a sofa bed in the corner, but Jeongin moved out right after we all finished our degree and now Beomgyu’s got the whole place to himself, the sofa all folded up now with some random pillows haphazardly thrown over it. The corner of my lip automatically tilts up as I feel nostalgic for the chaotic aftermath of our nights full of gossip and irresponsible drinking games, when we all ended up curled up on top of each other right there, the perfectly fine bedroom forgotten.  

I recall how one time, after one of our wild nights, Beomgyu had begged me to listen to him as he stated Jeongin was completely off limits, claiming he’d rather die than have to put up with both of us in the house.   

His tone had been deceitfully playful, and I matched it in full as I tapped my pouty lip in fake deliberation ‘Hmm, what if we just take it to my dorm instead, then?’  

In an instant, his smile had dropped and he stared back at me with an icy gaze. ‘That’s not funny.’ And that was the end of it.  

Beomgyu softly closes the front door behind me and awkwardly shuffles towards the kitchen to grab me a glass of water as I stand there looking around for a few seconds. He hands it to me with an expectant look on his face, not yet daring to ask the question that’s threatening to crawl out from his throat.   

I look into the cup, press my dry lips together, filled with indecisiveness, and mutter out ‘I’m not ready yet’, bringing the glass up to my lips and taking a small sip. He nods. Then, he grabs two cold drinks from the fridge, sets them down on the coffee table along with a bag of Cheetos, and fiddles with the blinds for a bit in order to dim the room’s lighting. We sit side by side on the couch and he hands me the TV remote.  

I pick out a random movie from our shared list and we settle into a comfortable silence only occasionally interrupted by the sounds of our sips and his slow chewing. A few minutes in, he pitches up his voice to make a lighthearted comment about someone’s ugly outfit, mocking my usual commentary. My nose scrunches up in exaggerated annoyance and I elbow his side playfully, shooting him a side glance before I begrudgingly admit it’s definitely something I would say. I’m grateful to him for setting the mood. Sighing softly, I lay my head on his shoulder; Beomgyu responds by snaking his arm around my figure, scooting slightly closer to lean into my touch.   

After a while, I feel him carefully trying to adjust his position against me to relieve his now numb muscles without disturbing me, and I flick his head impatiently, mumbling that he is an idiot for daring to act so hesitantly around me. I circle his torso with my arms, encouraging him to properly prop himself against me, and his body almost instinctively reacts by pushing one of my arms out of the way to rest his head on my lap. He lets out a little content sigh when I bury my hand in his shaggy hair and I tease him by comparing him to a well-behaved dog.   

Only a few seconds later, taking advantage of an unimportant transition in the movie, I croak out ‘Are we back to us?’  

From this angle, I can see him blink nervously and I almost regret asking before he’s right back to himself, responding with a nod, back snuggling into me even closer. The next few minutes are spent in silence as we both return our gaze back to the screen, but soon enough a small sniff coming from his still figure betrays the warm tears streaming down his cheeks. I know for a fact this is not an effect of the movie, but I don’t ask, not daring to interrupt my hand’s motion against his scalp.   

Another couple minutes go by and then, so low it would be easy to miss if every cell of my body wasn’t attuned to his, he whispers ‘I’m sorry.’  

He doesn’t know how to put his guilt into any other words. He wants to say he never meant for this to happen, express how he wishes he could have controlled himself better so that I would have never noticed his hurt. When he had read the texts, his throat had almost closed up with the suffocating feelings of regret that came crashing down on him. He had one job, how could he be so selfish as to be anything but happy for me as I had opened my heart to someone? And now, hearing my fragile voice, how eager I was to confirm we would make it through this too, those emotions were stirring within him once again, manifesting as that painful burning in the back of his eyes.  

I wonder how he expects me to acknowledge his quiet white flag, if he even wants me to reply at all or if that was just supposed to be his revised response to my previous question, feeling that a nod had not a been satisfactory enough admission that he, too, was aware of yesterday’s implications.   

‘Nothing to apologize for’ I reply softly.  

He rolls over carefully in my lap, movie now completely forgotten, and shakes his head. ‘I’m sorry’ he affirms — he’s not pleading, he’s not trying to request anything for me, my forgiveness or otherwise. He’s just trying to tell me as best as he can that he’s feeling shitty for his actions, confessing. I understand now.  

I shoot him a weak smile, trying my best not to let my own unshed tears fill my eyes to the brim. As amazing as he is at transcribing an impressive range of human emotion onto his songs, he’s not always great at expressing his feelings to me, but he’s trying his best. Taking advantage of this moment, both of us so willing to be vulnerable for once, I start telling him about some of the things that have been on my mind: how I know I’ve alienated him out of a part of my life before by avoiding telling him about my so-called romantic ventures, how I wish I could have gone about the Soobin thing more maturely and lastly, now with similarly tear-stained cheeks, how I never expected to feel so awful about yesterday’s outcome.  

He’s crying harder again, and I wipe a few of his tears away, begging him to tell me what’s on his mind.  

‘I’m sorry, I’m not good at this.’  

‘Try. Please.’ I plead.  

‘Sometimes...’ he starts ‘Sometimes I feel so dumb around you. It’s not your fault, but you always know exactly what to say and you have all these arguments for everything and, and-’ He takes a deep breath. ‘I feel stupid and scared that I can’t keep up with you, can’t make anything come across well. That’s why I’m like that...’ he avoids my eyes, lowering his tone almost down to a mere whimper ‘Why I just fight you. And you never get mad, so...’  

It makes me sad to hear he feels this way, but everything he’s saying makes sense, and deep down I think I’ve always known his reasons. Words are sometimes out of reach for him, but this thing we have, our physical proclamations, what he calls our fights, this is a language we both speak.   

‘I know. Our bodies have limitations though, you know...’ I let out softly, one last attempt at asking him to speak to me.  

He turns his back to me again, resigned to try but still a little bit uncomfortable at the idea. And then, at his own pace, he crafts his response to my speech. He assures me it’s not my fault for putting a stop to his past meddling in my private life, that I was right to set those boundaries since he was way out of line. I softly nod in appreciation for his understanding.  

‘If you want...’ he starts ‘You and Soobin...’ he sniffs once more, quickly wiping his stuffy nose as he searches for better words, ‘I’ll do my best to act right, I promise. I was just cold before because I- I just didn’t... I just couldn’t control my reaction. It’s childish, I had no right to be jealous, but I wasn’t expecting how things were between you two and it hurt.’  

‘Yeah, no’ I nod quickly, signaling I see where he’s coming from but eager to put a stop to this particular thought process ‘It’s not your fault. I chose to end it. I just realized it’s not what I wanted. I mean... sure, you might have had a role in making me realize it, but I didn’t do it just to avoid making you sad.’  

‘Promise?’ he looks up at me expectantly.  

‘Yes. I hated how ridiculously scary the thought of losing us was.’  

‘You’re not gonna lose me.’  

‘But you pulled back from me.’ I point out, hurt evident in my hushed tone.  

‘I just didn’t think it was right- you know- like, in front of Soobin’ he stumbles on his words.  

I interrupt before he can go back to his attempts at defending his behavior ‘Don’t do it again. Ever. I don’t care even if it means there can be no one else.’  

He doesn’t expect that sort of crazy statement to flow from my lips so casually, frowning in bewilderment ‘That’s so fucked up, though. I can’t do that to you.’  

‘Beomgyu, don’t act like you don’t know how I feel about you. You’re not, like, forcing me into a sad life of celibacy. I’m just not at the point I thought I was and I didn’t want to end up hurting Soobin because of it.’  

‘What do you mean?’  

‘Hmm?’  

‘How do you feel about me?’ He presses.  

‘Is this you trying to get me to beat your ass again right now?’ I joke, but he’s looking up at me with his big confused eyes and I don’t think he’s just choosing to act willfully ignorant right now. I blink three times in confusion, gathering my thoughts ‘What do you mean? I like you, I told you. We don’t need to tiptoe around it, even if our friendship has kinda only survived this long by ignoring it.’  

I feel something shift in the air as he takes in his next shaky breath, eyes flittering about as if he’s finding this information hard to compute. ‘...Still?’  

‘Wh-’ I search for the right words, any words, confronted by the embarrassment of having to dwell on this, like a ruthless finger pressing down on a fresh bruise ‘Well, yeah.’  

‘Oh.’ he mutters.   

I try my very best not to start shaking his shoulders in frustration, keeping in mind that Beomgyu needs his time to process things before he can offer a proper, thoughtful reaction. Still, I hate the direction this conversation has taken, insecurity creeping into the surface of my every pore. ‘Did I just fuck us up again?’   

Before I can panic from the fear building up in my body, he interjects ‘N-no!’ and then, much softer, ‘No. I like you, too.’  

I beg your everloving pardon?   

‘What the fuck are you saying to me right now, Choi Beomgyu?’ I force the words right out of my throat. ‘Measure your next words carefully, please.’  

He looks up at me like a scolded puppy and sets himself back upright, facing me on the couch, although his gaze is now cast downward. He’s got a lot to explain.  

I patiently reposition myself on the couch as well, tucking a leg under my weight in order to turn fully in his direction. He shyly reaches out both his hands across the space between us to fiddle awkwardly with the fingers of my right hand, his own way of apologizing for not being able to look at me right now. Both of our hands are kind of unusually warm from our nervousness, but I can barely register anything due to the pressure of my own frantic heartbeat drumming in my ears.   

He slowly beings to explain that he wasn’t trying to be an inconsiderate asshole and had in all honesty been under the impression that I had moved on from him by now. That was the one and only reason why he couldn’t have brought up his feelings earlier, back when he had first started developing them.   

You see, once you love someone all the way up to that point when the only thing that matters anymore is their happiness, when you can’t imagine being selfish with your desire for them, that is when you’re pretty much fucked, rendered powerless and bound to sit by and watch as they let their heart wander; sometimes closer, if you’re lucky, sometimes somewhere you can’t follow. You can’t even resent them for keeping you hostage in a cage with no walls. When he was distracted dating his ex, Beomgyu had not yet been at this point, but the breakup had led him right there.   

The short-lived relationship hadn’t been all that dramatic. It hadn’t been a battleground for many arguments; in fact, there were barely even any remarkable words exchanged, and none that he could bother to recall now. At first, it was the nothingness of it all that had attracted Beomgyu, happy to indulge in the superficiality of such an empty shell of a relationship for a while on account of its simplicity, but it was also its downfall in the end. Much to his dismay, he had found himself gradually becoming more and more annoyed by all the ways this sad excuse for a romance fell short in comparison to his connection with his best friend. He wasn’t necessarily ready to do a 180 and confess, still coming to terms with his feelings and all, but he had at the very least settled on the breakup.  

According to Beomgyu, he had quickly started going through some scenarios in his head, planning on doing something about us when it felt right, but things didn’t really go how he anticipated. Being held up in my arms, crying through his shameful recounting of the breakup, he had expected me to guide him right back to me, assure him he was better off by my side and plead with him to finally see me — but I hadn’t. What he saw in my eyes in that moment was nothing but sheer sympathy, a genuine effort from my part to comfort him with no second intentions. He wondered if this was the karmic payback he deserved for turning down his best friend so carelessly before.   

I shake my head in disbelief as he describes his way through his thought process, how he came to believe he was too late to chase after me. Of course he could have done so anyway, charmed his way right back into my heart, but guilt had twisted his insides into a cruel conviction that he was not worthy, not after what he had done. He had messed up our timing, so in turn he was to watch me choose a better man. Acknowledging this didn’t make watching me do it any easier, though. And boy, did his ill-timed flame have a talent for picking people who got on his nerves: smarter, funnier, impossibly handsome. All so unbearably different from him. And so, he had developed a talent for picking them apart, hope’s wretched arms shoving their way through his throat with venom at any chance, moved by the sick need to try to poison my mind with their flaws.   

‘I gave up hope when you told me how mad that stuff made you’ He continues. ‘I was just hurting you more. It’s all I do.’  

‘Its not, though. I stuck around anyway, didn’t I?’  

‘I guess... You are way too loyal. You should have told me to fuck off way earlier.’   

I chuckle softly despite the seriousness of the matter ‘Did you really think what made me mad was your temper? No. I just couldn’t understand why you suddenly knew how great I was when it came to other men but for some reason it never occurred to you to just step up and be the better option yourself.’ I start, weirdly thrilled at the chance to finally unload it off my chest ‘I mean, I knew you didn’t feel the same, you had made it clear for me before, so I had no reason to assume you were just feeling jealous. All of it just came across as pettiness.’  

He looks away in shame again but still makes an effort to provide his point of view. ‘I was wrong to do it, but I wasn’t coping well with the heartbreak. I literally just thought confessing would be even worse.’  

Silly boy. ‘Hurt me a little so you don’t hurt me a lot, uh?’ I tease ‘Well, you were actually just robbing me of the chance to love you.’ No, he wasn’t. I had never even stopped. Just because you choose the comforting dark of your closed eyelids, doesn’t make your bleeding heart any less red.  

He’s awkwardly rubbing his neck at my choice of words, not wanting to continue on this back and forth of conflicting points of view much longer but not quite knowing how to move this along from here. He just wants to know what’s supposed to come next.   

‘Is it okay if I kiss you now?’ I ask softly, resisting the urge to tease him even further by lifting his chin up with my hand. The direct question is a glaring violation of our habit of letting our bodies do the talking in moments like these, but the urge to be responsible for the pink hue spreading over his ears is so hard to resist and so, so worth it. Still, he knows he’s always welcome to switch back to our private language at will, so he does.  

The first contact is rougher than he intended so he quickly covers my lips with a million small, soft apologies. After a few seconds of adjusting to it, I wonder how I could have possibly lived so many years without the feeling of Beomgyu’s lips on mine.   

We are briefly startled by the sound of the end credits’ intense music in the background. His hand blindly searches the couch for the remote for a few seconds before he has to lift himself up to look for it properly. My amused laughter at his grumpy impatience makes him roll his eyes at me, and he retaliates by deciding this (terrible, by the way) song is not the worst soundtrack in the world after all, not bad enough that he can’t climb back over me and resume our make-out, a very effective method of drowning out my laughter.  

We turn into a real mess of tangled limbs, our hands reveling in the discovery of all the expanse we hadn’t uncovered in each other before.  Beomgyu’s fingertips had been made quite rough by tiny scars from pressing so hard on his guitar strings, but they feel so light as he tentatively squeezes my sides in his embrace. Still, once he ghosts them over my thigh, I shoot him a disapproving look, motioning with my head to the bag of Cheetos on the table.  

‘I’m not letting you touch me with your nasty cheese-infected fingers’ I swat his hand away and watch as he shoots me a look of mock offense, as if I had just doubted his gentlemanly ways. Before he can retort that he would never think to do such a thing, I propose ‘I have a better idea.’   

As I drag him by the hand to the bathroom, turning on the shower, any traces of that gentleman are long gone.  

    ︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶  

Two days later, we’re walking arm in arm down the street to his work. The sky seems to have unlocked a range of brand new hues just for us, making everything seem like a dream we don’t have to wake up from as long as we don’t let go of each other.   

He turns to me to ask if I think it’s going to be awkward with Soobin today.  

‘I don’t know,’ I answer in earnest, ‘but it doesn’t matter, I’m expecting it. We’re probably gonna need some time.’  

We walk into the printing center and warmly greet the owner. She responds with the usual pleasantries, asks if we ate well and apologetically asks Beomgyu for his help with some boxes as her back had been bothering her that day. He immediately moves in her direction, gently pushing her down into a chair to rest before we both get to moving the stock into its proper place, tidying up in no time.   

They had a big order to get through today, but it was monotonous work. After a while, I lazily slip down from the desk I had been sitting on, looking up from my phone at his working figure occasionally. It’s about time to get going for me.   

Before I can slip away for the day, he asks me to pick up something for him from one of the printers in the front row. I don’t think much of it as I stroll over, but a loud snort makes its way out of my mouth as soon as my eyes land on the single piece of paper sitting on the tray. In big obnoxious letters in the Comic Sans font are two simple words: ‘Be mine?’.  

I walk back over to him with it in hand, pointing at it in amazement.  

‘Oh my god, I totally think we might have had the same writing professor. Hmm, yes.’ I pretend to analyze it carefully one more time ‘I definitely recognize this beautiful cadence.’ I joke.  

He laughs along with me but stands awkwardly with his hands shoved into the back pockets of his jeans, waiting for my actual answer.   

‘Yeah, sure, I think this is a great proposal.’ He slides closer in response, wrapping an arm around my waist. ‘But you’re gonna have to upgrade the amount of paper you spend on me if you wanna keep me around. I’m only dating you for the unlimited copies, you know?’

He hits my arm in disapproval but joins in on the playful teasing in the same beat. ‘Just know I’m expecting free coffee in return.’  

I scoff. ‘Yeah, no. But I’ll see what I can do about adding a few unauthorized stamps to your loyalty card, how’s that?’  

He shakes his head in disappointment. ‘Damn, I guess I’ll have to try a Starbucks barista next, then.’  

I let out an incredulous laugh and tousle his hair. We quickly press our lips together as a farewell for now.   

I walk a little briskly to work, probably already a couple minutes behind schedule by now. As a result, I look a little flustered as I walk in. Soobin is already putting on his apron behind the counter, and he looks up at me with a knowing smile, as if he can see right through the soft blush on my cheeks, amusement dancing in his eyes.   

Yeonjun must have already told him about the recent developments. Oh, my sweet little snitch. I make a mental note to ask him later if he plans on comforting Soobin for me, too, if he thinks he’s all that subtle with his moves in the dark. I’m once again grateful to him for sparing me from another awkward conversation, though.  

 If there’s any trace of bad blood between us, he doesn’t let it slip even once through his usual cheerful tone, and the whole shift goes by without a hitch. Soobin and I don’t share a telepathic ability to speak our minds through brief glances, though. Thats why, when closing time eventually rolls around, I thank him for being my friend with actual words. 

taglist: @jellyyjn

a/n: I apologize for any possible formatting mishaps! I didn't write directly on the tumblr app and I did my best to correct the ones I found but I might have missed a couple ^^

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[lushinart]

I love your writings so much!! <3 🥹

thank you so much \(//∇//)\ i really appreciate you taking time out of your day to tell me this, i hope you will enjoy my future works as well!

[lushinart]

ACCIDENTALLY YOURS

a collection of k-drama style aus

this is for my 2k followers special event! i wanted to do smth similar to what i did for my 1k celebration since you guys liked that a lot! i'm so so grateful to all of you for all the love and support you give to my works<333

comment under this post or send an ask to be added to the series taglist!

pairing: loser!beomgyu x best friend!reader

genre: best friends to lovers, mutual pining, fluff, comedy, suggestive content

synopsis: beomgyu is the absolute worst best friend to have a crush on. he’s loud, clingy, and always in your space—flopping on your bed, stealing your snacks, and treating your personal bubble like it owes him rent. the worst part? he’s recently gotten hot. like, dangerously hot. and lately, messing with him has become your new favorite hobby, especially when a little harmless teasing leaves him red-faced and malfunctioning.

you were just having fun testing his limits. until you accidentally pushed too far… and he pushed back. release date: 25th may

READ HERE

pairing: tutor!jungwon x downbad!reader

genre: highschool au, slow burn, crack, fluff, slight angst

synopsis: getting tutored by the smartest guy in school should’ve helped your grades—not tanked your dignity. jungwon thinks you’re flirting to distract him from actual studying, and the more you try to act normal, the more he seems to think you’re in love with him. which, okay, maybe you are. but that’s not the point. unfortunately, there’s no syllabus for surviving weekly sessions with your crush when every word you say sounds like a love confession.

release date: 1st june

READ HERE

pairing: boss!jake x reader

genre: workplace romance, crack, accidental flirting(?), suggestive content

synopsis: you’re just trying to survive your 9-to-5 without spontaneously combusting, but your painfully attractive boss seems to think you’re flirting. every awkward smile, accidental wink, and misfired message only makes it worse. now he’s looking at you like you’ve got some secret agenda. the truth? you just short-circuit around hot people. it’s not seduction—it’s social malfunction.

release date: 8th june

READ HERE

𝗰𝗼𝗽𝘆𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁 ©𝗴𝘆𝘂𝘂𝗯𝗲𝗿𝗿𝘆𝘆 on Tumblr

˚ · .𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁𝘀 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗲𝗿𝘃𝗲𝗱

[lushinart]

coming soon! ࣪ ִֶָ☾.⭒ beomgyu oneshot preview

₊⊹tags: strangers to friends, best friends to lovers, possibly slightly angsty, no extremely heavy topics, sfw but with suggestive themes (i've been a minor before and i know i can't stop you but minors kindly avoid interacting for both of our comfort)

₊⊹ summary: navigating a crush on your sweet new coworker soobin proves harder than you thought when all your thoughts are still stubbornly stuck on choi beomgyu.

preview:

Beomgyu took a liking to him just like everyone else. I had watched out for his subtle reactions, flittering glances thrown his way throughout the night going mostly unnoticed, but it seems that I had nothing to worry about. As we sat on the floor with our backs against the old couch later that night, I searched his face one more time for any indication of annoyance, only to find him snorting to another one of Soobin’s stories from work. His eyebrow quirked up slightly under my scrutinizing gaze, responding to my silent ‘So what do you think?’ with his reassuring smile, his hand rubbing my back a few times for good measure, a clear message being sent through his relaxed fingertips: ‘I like him’. I felt like a nervous teen after succeeding in introducing my boyfriend to my mom in high school, but the hard part was far from over. A harmless new friend is a far cry from your best friend’s crush, but a win is still a win, so I relaxed for the night and leaned into his side as I joined in on the banter. 

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶ ︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶ ︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶ ︶⊹︶

a/n: it's written in first person. my writing has a lot of literary influence, second person is rare in literary fiction and i also choose to avoid third person in order to keep the reader's character as gender neutral as possible. if this really takes people out of it i might consider editing in the future but please give it a chance! ty ^^

a/n: also! i'm new to writing on tumblr and i'm not sure how to cultivate interest and all of that but if anyone would like to be part of a taglist i'd be very happy to make one

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[lushinart]

txt reactions ദ്ദി ˉ͈̀꒳ˉ͈́ )✧

⊹˚. ♡.𖥔 ݁ ˖ yeonjun reacts to: you asking him to get a piercing

warnings: mildly suggestive at most

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masterlist

[lushinart]

[lushinart]

”the internet is an evil place!!” for you. i have a mile long blocklist and the best mutuals ever