lvyla

[lvyla]

Red Light Special| TLC | CrazySexyCool

[lvyla]

Jodeci - Feenin’

[lvyla]

Kut Klose | Surrender Athena Cage runs are out of this world. This gurl can sang! LOVE LOVE

I’ll make you surrender (baby, baby, baby)to my loving baby (I’ll make you surrender baby)I’ll make you surrender to my loving baby (all my loving baby yeah) I’ll make you surrender to my loving baby (oh oh oh) I’ll make you surrender (I’m going to make

[lvyla]

@nolayla: Look at this, done taught Jasper the light skinned squint. Smh. 😂😂 I love you Yella. 😘 #MCM

[lvyla]

5). Relapse.

Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever the substance you are addicted to - alcohol, food, legal or illegal drugs, or a person - you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain.

Those words echo through my head as I sit silently in this room filled with pills and alcoholic potions. I was on the verge of getting up and going buck wild like I did before. Letting loose, forgetting.. I wanted to, even if it was just for the night. No worries, no troubles, no thoughts.. Emptiness. It’s been awhile since I felt that way.. And these drugs.. These drinks had me reminiscing, thinking of the nights I’d spent up when my mind wasn’t clear, just waiting for that rush of euphoria to finally take me over and release me from my inner demons.

“I won’t let you do any of those things as long as I’m around..” His words surged through my mind.. The fact that I made a promise to him, telling him I wouldn’t. Gritting my teeth I continue staring at the table in front of me. Pills. Scattered everywhere. Bottles, opened. Their sweet and strong scents lingering in the air.

"Don’t do it Layla, don’t do it. Stop being selfish and stubborn." "Go ahead and don’t do it. It doesn’t matter, he doesn’t care. A little bit won’t hurt."

Reaching up I run my fingers through my hair, gripping it tightly with both hands. My face turning red as I let out a slight scream. No alcohol. No drugs. Don’t relapse. You don’t wanna go back to that time. You don’t. These thoughts, these emotions. I just want it to stop, I wanna feel numb again. I wanna feel empty.

Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever the substance you are addicted to - alcohol, food, legal or illegal drugs, or a person - you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain.

What am I trying to coverup ? Why am I trying to cover it up ? Why can’t I see it ? Make it stop.. Please. Just make it stop.

"You’re still hurting child.. That’s all." A soft voice spoke to me in my head.

Tears streaming down my face.. Eyes bloodshot red, I look up at the table once more and shake my head. I will not fall back into that pit. I won’t stoop back down to that level. That will not be my demise and downfall.

[lvyla]

4). Pain. Pt. 2

She promised herself she’d change, and through multiple falls and relapses, months later she was clean. Could you imagine ? Being 18, living this life ? Being an addict because your world came crashing down ? Not knowing what to do with yourself so you turn to the easiest source ? Baby girl had been through it and she accomplished that feat in life.

But that’s not the end of it, at 20 years she’d finally stepped into the world new and improved. Ready for anything the world threw at her, so when she met HIM she felt like she was ready, ready for love and that’s what she thought he was going to teach her, how to love.. She thought he loved her, but when she’d say something wrong or do something and she’d end up with a bruised face, a broken jaw, swollen limbs, a busted lip or being forced to do things she didn’t want to do she’d doubt any form of love he had for her.

But when he “made love to her” and fucked her numb, when he told her he loved her and he’ll try harder not to put his hands on her again, she’d forget about the scars and bruises and the pain and her doubted love. All he had to do was say 3 words and everything would be okay, all would be forgiven. And he beat her, again and again and again, to the point where she couldn’t even stand straight, she’d gathered the strength to lock herself in the bathroom.

When he’d gotten so drunk one night he’d beaten her unconscious the razor became her friend, the pain she felt wasn’t pain at all to her, it was her release. She watched as it sunk into her skin so deep and not even let out a wince as the blood began flowing freely. Staining her light skin ever so beautifully, she’d forget, it was her high..

————————————————-

So as she lays balled up on the floor, with her mind wandering she believes this is her karma. This is what happens because she chose not to listen. She lays there, sore and cold, lost. Wondering what to do. Not aware that this love that she thinks is love isn’t love at all. She’ll turn down anyone who tells her it isn’t the right love. She doesn’t understand that aggression and love are two different things. She doesn’t understand she shouldn’t have to be going through this. But this is all she knows, it’s all she’s ever known since watching “Daddy”. It’s all she’s ever known since watching “Momma”. It’s all she’s ever known since society got into her head. It’s all she ever known since the drugs polluted her. It’s all she’s ever known since that razor blade met her beautiful skin.

She no longer has anyone to want to run to.. They warned her, begged her, prayed for her and asked for that once innocent girl back.. So baby girl is left to fend for herself, as she lays holding her bruised body, mind and thoughts everywhere..

[looks around at my surroundings, a soft smile spreading across my face] I guess change can be good when it’s at the right time.

[lvyla]

Where Were You - Drake (feat. Dawn Richard)

[lvyla]

3). Pain.

"I shoulda never let you in, cause you got me face down and don’t take this personal.. But you’re the worst you know what you’ve done to me and although it hurts I know.. I just can’t keep runnin’ away."

People think it’s crazy when females are in abusive relationships. They think it’s crazy when regardless of what that abusive nigga does to her she still runs right back to him. I was a victim of that, for a long ass time. I fell in love with a guy, who was older than me by some years.. I’d say about 7. At that time I was 16 so yeah. How even met this guy ? Well..

“La! C’mon girl, you gon make us late to this damn party. You look fine.” My friend Tamara yelled out as she bounded down the stairs with me following right behind her.

We were headed to some party, I was in highschool at that time, so I’m pretty sure you could guess I was attending if not every party that was worth it then almost every party. Long story short. We made it to this party. Got a little drunk until this group of guys walked up to us, one of them put my drink on his tab as his friends swarmed around Tamara.

Soon enough, he was whispering sweet little nothings in my ear. Spitting that bullshit ass, I can make you feel rich, I can give you what other niggas won’t give you. Being young and dumb.. I believed the shit. Everyone who dealt with him that knew me, warned me about him. Not giving me the specifics. But I didn’t listen. His lines.. Had me caught up.

"Everybody’s like, he’s no item. Please don’t like em, he don’t wife em, he one nights em, I never listened, no. I shoulda figured though… All that shit you was spittin’. So unoriginal.. But it was you, so I was with it.. And to tell you the truth.. Wish we never did it

After that night at that party, he wouldn’t leave me alone.. At that time, I liked it, thought it was cute. He started taking me out to dinners, buying me things I’d never had. Feeding me lies, that no matter how stupid and not right they sounded, I still believed.. I was a young, dumb, stupid girl, searching for something nobody I’d been around had to give me. For awhile.. The smile would never disappear from my face because of him, he made me happy. But then.. Things started changing. He stopped caring, stopped paying attention to me, stopped spending money on me.. Started calling me out of my name, started being extremely aggressive.. Possessive, to a not okay point. I thought it was just him. Then I realized after he got me and I fell completely into his trap there was no need to continue on with what he was doing before. I’d said to him I loved him. I was stupid. Not knowing that was his plan the entire time.

Cause I usually do, stick to the business, but you came out the blue and then you just flipped it.. God damn baby, my mind’s blown… Think I know what this is, it’s just the time’s wrong. Yeah I know what you did, But baby I’m grown.

It’s funny how everything changed.. Once you got all that you wanted.. Nothing was ever the same.

[lvyla]

[finds lordexzsv & yasss-maya and apologizes for the madness that's happening on their special day] This shit ain't coo' at all. But I'm not here though.

[lvyla]

...

[lvyla]

That moment when you wanna tell someone to sit down and shut the fuck up even when they aren't talking to you.. Like. Your presence, the sight of your face is irkin' my shit.

[lvyla]

2Pac - Hail Mary

[lvyla]

[lvyla]

Sometimes I just wanna fuck, and sometimes I wanna be in love, and sometimes I wanna be alone.

my existence. (via nyu-tah)

[lvyla]

All because I’m driving under the influence of your love…

[lvyla]

Quickie - Miguel