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Blue Winter, Kichijoji 吉祥寺

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“Self-Love is accepting you for what you are, Accepting your flaws and just being confident in your own skin. Acceptance is the first and the most important step for the self-love. Accept the fact that you are a human and thus wired to make mistakes.”

— Aishwarya Sharma

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Mace

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Didn’t we try watching random Breaking Bad episodes just to end up making out and sleeping in? We were so drunk the first weekend we met.

You have such pretty ✨ hands… you look innocent.. you look damn nice ALL THE FUCKING TIME even when just playing LOL or asleep or anything

We were supposed to meet in your hometown

You really liked Freddie… we visited you once after we went to the vet and you made him eat sardines lol

I adored you, damn that pretty face

We’d drink the wine I brought, if not GSM blue

We’d eat the pasta you cooked, we’d share the same plate and fork, which was cute and weird at the same time because what the hell were we doing

We’re SO good at our Mobile Legends games except when you’re too drunk to use Granger

But you always beat me at chess, you always laughed at me when I got upset because of that. I hated that I’m so bad at it, but have enjoyed playing with you everytime. I beat you at scrabble, anyway.

I bit you one time you jokingly told me you have a girlfriend, again, drunk. You didn’t get mad. You still had the bitemark the next week I came over.

I was a little heartbroken when you left, kinda expecting it’ll be the last moment we’ll ever have. You were hugging my legs while asleep that day. Such a cutie baby. Ahhh.

I enjoyed my time with you

You, however, messaged me, “Tara Manila?”

“May gagawin ka ngayon? Kung wala inumin natin tong gsm.”

I made two Tumblr posts about you. I over-the-top-want-to-slip-my-own-throat liked you and I sang my heart out to Why - Avril Lavigne in the shower because of you

It’s been a year. I’d do everything all over again, with you

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how was the wedding you attended last year?

you told me about going to that while your chipmunks waze instructs you to turn left to edsa

and it was funny, it changed every week

your waze voice, not you

you stayed as you were since the first week of august

until the end of 2021

but sometimes your waze would be mimiyuuh,

sometimes it’s transformers, then it meditates

i asked you, do you follow when it reminds you to breathe?

it was kinda cute

you, when you explain these

our breakfast would be bread and brewed coffee

that you make before i wake up,

it was really nice,

yes, you and the coffee

we would spend Sunday afternoons out having lunch

i was happy and it was warm,

you

i wonder who sits in your passenger seat now

i wonder what your waze voice is now

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The house is quiet without you. I no longer have neck bites before I leave for work. No face kisses and fooling around. Now I didn’t have to refix my dress before I shut the door.

I’m falling apart while wanting to keep some pieces intact. I’m so lost even when I’m at home.

We make mistakes

I miss you just staring at the fish we bought and named after a pornstar

You had to go

You’re going to do it again

Shattered glasses when we fought

You liked cakes

I liked youth that chased

I sleep on your lap on Sundays as you play my hair, you learned to braid

I miss all the mess

What do I need four pillows for

I spilled the Starbucks coffee on the bed

So we had to squeeze and doze on the clean part of it, I was so sorry

My mind is wandering

I miss you

I’m sorry if I hurt you

I try my best to wish you happines even with someone else

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LEAVE ME ALONE

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This letter was sent to me by Pauline in 2013. Sobrang sweet. Huhu. We met through Tumblr. I remembered her suddenly. I’m sorry I was dating someone else then. I hope you’re happy now. :)

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damn u make me SO happy with all the things you say and do

u take care of me and constantly make me feel secure and pretty that i don’t have time to think i’m not

u start your day with me in your mind and would end it with a call, even when you’re tired, even when you’re drunk

we’d laugh at the lame things and play my ridiculous games alone in the room or even when we’re not

u bring food every time u come over or cook whichever i crave

we’d spend the whole weekend cuddling and you’d still miss me the minute u left

u make me realize i’m worth the time that i didn’t have to ask for and the attention and understanding i didn’t have to beg for

u would core my angela lol and ur so good at it ü

u make future plans with clear intent and say u want to do all and many things with me

fuck i’m so in love

i can’t wait to spend the rest of this bizarre life w u

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how many days does the lipstick stain stay in mirrors? just asking because i forgot to remove the one that says “i love you, _____” in that hotel i stayed in so i can send u a cute & sweet photo

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I got tired of the small talks, and I stopped pretending I cared about how your day goes

But I'll always remember the many times

You explained Avengers characters knowing I wouldn't recognize them, ever

Then there's the traffic as we drove to your house

In awe every time we passed through Makati building lights

&& we keenly talked about Taylor and Jake Gyllenhaal

Like it mattered... it didn't

You always asked what movie I wanted to watch

Still I'd be wrapped around your arms

the entire night

Watching the movie you chose

You fried some eggs and made my coffee in the morning

Talked about the same things we chatted about the other weeks

And the first time we met, over and over

Shouldn't there be a warning it'll be the last chance our paths would cross again?

(Dating in pandemic for two people who will

probably never commit, 2021)

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maybe u will introduce her to your grandma, too

and u will invite her to your room so you can watch the fight club and some true sights

there’s a shop a few blocks away, perhaps you’ll also have milktea and snacks, mcdonald’s maybe, delivered

would u drive to the supermarket before eve? buy unnecessary stuff together? choose where to eat but couldn’t among the food stalls?

perhaps you’ll bring her to 7twenty7 too, and you’ll order the same salmon and strawberry shake. perhaps you’ll mistakenly get steak and order it medium rare the way i like

i bet you’d talk about phantom assassin, wind ranger, and some of those dota heroes i would never remember

perhaps she’ll spend some time with your mom in the living room, too, watch tv or hear about that time you had a crush on a girl in preschool

maybe you’ll let her use your t-shirts too when she sleeps over, i guess vape and talk ‘til midnight

maybe she’ll sleep on my side of the bed, and you’d somehow realize that wasn’t me beside you anymore

she’ll probably spend christmas in your house, and new year with her family too. i wonder what gift would you buy for her this time?

oh you’ll walk to the bus stop for sure, hold hands and talk about which neighbor had covid or died

maybe there are more busses going to pitx now and you wouldn’t have to wait for almost an hour near the fire station

maybe you’ll message her some thank you for spending her time with you and that you miss her already because you always do that to me

or maybe you will do things differently and you’ll love her even better and that might hurt but that would be nice and i’m happy things finally fell right into place for u

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We lived in different countries

But flew to this unfamiliar city

Just to meet for a weekend

While we both know how stupid it was

We held hands, laughed at the joke of the icecream man

Your eyes wandered,

and bought a silly souvenir just for the heck of it

For sure we won't post our pictures together,

But we still took a lot anyway

Maybe I'll get reminded in 2025, when we're inevitably out of touch, of how our Saturday rendezvous felt

No ultimatums, no answers, no assurances

Just us searching souls in each others eyes,

under the sheet, in this old, crappy hotel room that overlooks a crowded street

The noise around does not compare to my thoughts

"I wish we move our flight to Tuesday"

We couldn’t

We had lunch in this local shop,

Recalled the places we visited like it wasn't just yesterday

Beside was your luggage

Your plane leaves earlier

&& we hesitated to give our goodbye kisses

I went back to the same hotel room,

Damn, it's way older and crappier without you in it

I fell asleep, woke up to rush to the airport,

Bought a frappe while waiting to onboard

Looked away and wished one day we meet again

Four-hour flight and two-hour Grab ride home. With a silly-looking souvenir and pictures I can’t post.

Welcome back to reality (that you are not for me)

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blee blaah bleeh

super into sabrina carpenter

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so i like someone now. but he’s in manila, while i’m here enjoying surigao. we’ve met na a couple of times before ako pumunta dito. and surprisingly we continued talking even when we’re away.

i like him for many reasons but what sets him apart from the guys i dated is he’s cool? i like his energy - it matches mine. he’s also a sagittarius, and i’ve been wanting to date one since feb. haha

it’s getting serious, and we might decide to be together officially when i’m back sa manila. idk if i’m 100% dito sa commitment stuff bcs it’s frightening. i enjoy being single + just casually dating so much. it’s always my thing. but he’s a nagjojowa kind of guy, and maybe it’s time for me na ‘rin to move forward and magcommit (it’s supposed to be easy, idk what scares me?)

anyway, i really like my stay here in surigao, but i’m excited to be with him!! i just booked my flight back in early sep. medyo matagal pa, nag-uusap pa kaya kami nun? charot

update lang xx para hindi na break up blog. lol