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The Funeral Profession—Everything You Wanted to Know About the People Who Work There But Too Afraid to Ask

I was born a people person. I've been insatiably curious about what makes people tick for as long as I can remember. It's less about what they do and more about why. What are their thoughts and feelings behind the behavior? Were they born with a particular trait or did it stem from an emotional experience somewhere in childhood? If they could choose a different life path, would they? I love asking questions and listening to their stories.

Since losing my daughter I've often wondered about the men and women who serve the dead. Sounds macabre, and yet I'm curious. Why do people go into the funeral industry? How do they really feel when handling dead bodies? I wanted to know—and so I set my sights on doing a book for funeral directors. Today, I cross that off my bucket list with the release of Through the Eyes of a Funeral Director.

As I do with all my books, I asked the funeral directors 18 questions. This allows me to get to the meat of each story without the superficial fluff.

What I found in their answers was surprising. Shocking, really, but not in a macabre sense. It was quite the opposite actually, and totally unexpected. Today I'm thrilled to satisfy the curiosity of those like me who always wondered about the men and women who serve in the funeral industry.

One of the oldest and most sacred professions in the world, the funeral industry is a different sort of business, and it takes a special sort of person to work there. College educated men and women, each purposely choose a career based around caregiving.

Yes, funeral directors are caregivers at heart. Who knew?

As caregivers, they sacrifice sleep and precious family time to ensure that our need for loving guidance in our darkest hour is met, because death doesn’t always happen during banking hours. By laying loved ones to rest, they offer the living the first steps toward healing without any sort of recognition.

If the funeral industry is based around caregiving, then why do most clients walk away with sticker shock? How can they financially gouge us in our time of need?

When you eat in a restaurant, you pay for the food and the chef who prepared it. When you hire a doctor to tend to your wound, you pay for the care. When you hire a funeral home to help memorialize a loved one, it is no different. Funeral homes have codes to follow, equipment to maintain, staff to pay, and student loans to pay off. They are there around the clock to ensure your every wish is lovingly granted with kid gloves. If you don't pay for services rendered, the funeral equipment loans get behind and staff can't put food on the table.

Death is an inevitable part of life nobody gets to skip. But when you find yourself leaning on a funeral director in your darkest hour, it is comforting to know that he or she chose this career not as a business, but as a calling.

It is a calling that only the finest humanitarians answer.

One they wouldn’t change for the world.

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Grief in the workplace, a new frontier

Meet my friend Herb, a 57-year-old financially secure bank executive. In 2008, Herb's wife Michelle died from cancer. Ten days after Michelle's passing, Herb returned to work.

"It was St. Patrick’s Day, March 17. Late that first morning, while seated in my corner office on the second floor of our headquarters in San Antonio, the bank officer walked into my office. As I looked up to greet him, he noticed I had tears in my eyes. Not knowing what to say, he simply turned around and walked out of my office, closing the door behind him."

Herb's office encounter isn't unusual. In fact, most bereaved employees find themselves similarly isolated. But the problem is much larger than employees simply not knowing what to do or say.

Meet Kristen. Kristen is the managing editor of Human Resource Executive magazine. On October 20, 2015, she was at her company's own HR Technology Convention in Las Vegas when she received a phone call from her neighbor.

Earlier that day the neighbor had noticed Kristen's cat roaming outside alone. Jim, Kristen's husband, adored their cat, and the neighbor was concerned as she hadn't seen Jim in a few days. Kristen had talked to Jim on the phone just that morning, but asked her neighbor to check on him just in case. The neighbor agreed, and found Jim's lifeless body in his bed, dead from an apparent heart attack.

In a state of shock, Kristen had to return to her hotel, pack her bags, and catch the next flight home—alone.

"Because I had used up all the time I was entitled to under the Family and Medical Leave Act caring for my father with hospice, I was left with my allotted 3 days of bereavement leave —still the national standard—before returning to the diversion and demands of my job."

Kristen became determined to address the elephant in the room and last September contacted me for an interview about grief in the workplace. We connected on that grief level, a language we both understood, and talked for quite a while. Following our interview, I emailed Kristen some strategies to use in her article.

I had forgotten about my conversation with Kristen until the article was published in Human Resource Executive magazine this past March. Kristen sent me the link.

As I read through Kristen's article, I was surprised to see she highlighted the strategies I had sent her and delighted to see myself cited me as the source. Even more important, I realized I was reading the foundation of a curriculum about handling grief in the workplace. 

Over the next 6 months I worked hard to develop the strategies into a full fledged curriculum to be taught from an academia standpoint.

On October 6, 2017, I'm teaching the first Employee Crisis Response Curriculum called Grief in the Workplace at a local college. It outlines step-by-step strategies for HR leaders, managers, administrators, and directors to learn how to respond to an employee's crisis. Further, it offers strategies that minimize disruption and maximize workflow— and along the way improve corporate culture. The class offers 3 solid hours of information and strategies every workplace should have in their procedure manual.

It's important to distinguish that this curriculum isn't about outsourcing the grieving employee to the EAP. It's about employing internal strategies to balance the needs of staff with needs of the shareholders.

Grief isn't limited to a cubicle. When crisis happens to one employee, it affects the whole office.

Which is what this curriculum is all about.

It's about Herb. And Kristen. And the Herbs and Kristens of the world.

"Bereavement in the workplace is still a new frontier."

Yes, it is. But it shouldn't be.

For local companies, click on the link below to find how to register your managers and administrators. Continuing education credits are available for those who need it.

That cool part is that it's all just the beginning. Later next month I'll teach this curriculum around the world via a new global webinar platform to be announced next week. Further, we'll begin training the trainer—people who can teach this curriculum in their own local colleges and corporations.

In today's competitive job marketplace, employees are looking not just at wages and benefit packages. They're looking at corporate culture—how well a corporation takes care of employees. Our curriculum teaches corporations how to do that in times of crisis.

Creating and teaching corporate curriculum is the next step on my journey toward making the world a better place for future generations. 

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How one bite of food can lead to death in this rare disease

Meet Melissa. Melissa is a wife, mother, holds a Master's degree in political science, and is a former university instructor and corporate trainer.

One cold February morning in 2014, she woke up to a very different life. Without warning or explanation, she suddenly couldn't tolerate any food or liquid. She was rushed to the emergency room, hospitalized with severe abdominal pain and vomiting, and over the next week put through a battery of tests.

The diagnosis: A rare yet devastating disease called gastroparesis.

The term literally means paralyzed stomach. Melissa considers herself lucky in that doctors discovered it rather quickly. Most spend weeks, months and sometimes years being passed from one doctor to another—often in agony—before correctly diagnosed.

Some die while waiting.

Melissa was discharged from the hospital with very little information regarding her condition and was told to follow up with a gastroenterologist in six weeks. She was given no detailed diet plan, no medications to try, no real treatment plan, and no idea what to expect.

One of the many challenges with gastroparesis is that it's a hard illness to understand. It's rare enough that doctors mistaken it for heartburn and an assortment of other common gastric ailments, yet common enough that it kills every day by literally starving it's victim.

In addition to being passed from one doctor to another, patients do their best to tolerate well-meaning yet unsolicited advice from people who don't understand the severity of the disease.

“If you eat more, you would have more energy.”

“Drink more water so you won’t become dehydrated.”

“You should eat healthier; more vegetables and beans may help.”

Because the stomach is inefficient, food and liquid sit in the stomach like a rotting brick. This leads to severe pain, nausea, vomiting, explosive diarrhea, malnourishment, tube feedings to bypass the stomach, and lack of energy from inadequate intake.

It also leads to death.

Less than 200,000 cases are diagnosed in the U.S. each year, yet the numbers who struggle with gastroparesis is far higher. This is why Melissa and 14 other writers bared all in the new book, Real Life Diaries: Living with Gastroparesis.

They bravely penned their own personal journeys to help raise awareness about gastroparesis and other motility disorders, to help those who live with it know they aren't alone, and offer a resource of firsthand information for family, friends, and medical staff.

A whopping 512 pages, the book is now available on Amazon and will be available in over 40,000 retail outlets around the world within the coming week.

If you experience similar symptoms or know someone who does, please tell them about our book. You might save the life of someone you love....or even your own.

Learn more at www.curegp.com.

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The Wicked Truth About Endo

Do you know the painful truth about endo? I didn't either. All I knew was that it caused pain. That's it. Nothing more. Today is the release of Living with Endometriosis, the 5th title in our Real Life Diaries series. When this book was proposed, I was one of the millions who had very little understanding about endometriosis, nor its true impact upon the lives of women who live with it.

But even worse than my ignorance is that I SHOULD have known. The daughter of a dear friend faced this disease, and ultimately had to undergo a full hysterectomy shortly after her wedding. In fact, she was in pain AT her wedding. I attended her wedding, but I didn't know.

I didn't know it wasn't "normal period pain."

I didn't know the pain happened every day, all month long.

I didn't know endo tested a woman's sexual identity and the relationship with her partner because it resulted in painful sex nearly every time.

I didn't know the adhesions could attach to your bowels and other organs.

I didn't know the pain could consume your entire body, causing vomiting and passing out from the agony.

I didn't know endo resulted in half hazard treatment by doctors and practitioners who aren't endo specialists.

I didn't know this disease could render a woman infertile, unable to bear children.

I didn't know this disease could wreak such havoc day in and day out with no cure in sight.

I just didn't know.

But thanks to the writers who bared all in the book, now I do.

And so will thousands of readers.

Today, because these women were brave enough to share the most intimate details of their lives and use their voices to raise awareness about the pain thousands of women live with, they are making a difference around the world and are true #EndoHeroes!

A huge shoutout to Adrieanne Lauren, Shiloh Britt, Emma Clifton, Shandi Cymoril Clouse, Tricia Connelly, Shauna Cox, Jordanne Gold, Beth Jensen, Jessica Noel, Ashley Romanko, Jacquie Young, Sayda Wymer, and Jennifer Blevins Young. 

And special shout-outs to authors Carmela Pollock and Christa Hall for your strength, courage, and unending patience in the publishing process. You ladies rock!!

#EndoMyth #RealLifeDiaries #LetsTalkEndo

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The Magic of Life

Life is truly an incredible journey with a changing landscape around every twist and turn. Sometimes the scenery is stunningly gorgeous, a masterpiece by Mother Nature that steals our breath. Other times it is dark and frightening with no detour in sight.

My own life has been a journey with many twists and turns, none of which were predictable. Eighteen months ago I published the first eight books in the Grief Diaries anthology series, and this month we'll published the 25th. While everyone has a story worth telling, I know the series isn't for everyone. Why then did I create it? Because the one thing we all share when our journey becomes dark and frightening is isolation. What's the one gift you can give someone who feels isolated? Understanding.

Take Michael Gershe, for example. Coauthor of the newest Grief Diaries, “Hit by Impaired Driver," Michael was a mere 8 weeks old when his mother was killed by a drunk driver. He himself survived the crash, but nearly every bone in his body was broken. This is how his life story began.

Michael went on to thrive, earning a swimming scholarship, degree in communications, and Master's in higher education administration. He also founded a nonprofit called The Magic of Life (www.themagicoflife.org) that pairs his story with stand-up comedy to offer an inspirational alcohol awareness and impaired driving prevention program.

Although a really funny guy with quite a success story, Michael also felt isolated for much of his life. With the way his life started, how can he not?

Michael coauthored the book Hit by Impaired Driver because he knows that the one commonality the wounded share is isolation. And the one gift you can give the wounded is understanding. But if you haven't personally walked the journey, the wounded instinctively know you don't fully comprehend the pain. This is where Grief Diaries comes in.

Each story in the series is written by someone the reader has never met—a stranger. But that writer shares the same path as the reader, which offers something far more precious than friendship: a lifeline of understanding.

To Michael Gershe and the other 600+ writers who joined me in the first 25 books, a heartfelt thank you. You invested belief and passion in the power of sharing stories to heal hearts around the world, and took a leap of faith with me to offer understanding, compassion and comfort to readers you'll never meet.

Iyanla Vanzant said, "It’s important that we share our experiences with other people. Your story will heal you, and your story will heal somebody else."

That's why I created Grief Diaries.

Grief Diaries titles:

1. Surviving Loss of a Child

2. Surviving Loss of a Spouse

3. Surviving Loss of a Sibling

4. Surviving Loss of a Parent

5. Surviving Loss of an Infant

6. Surviving Loss by Suicide

7. Surviving Loss of a Loved One

8. Surviving Loss of Health

9. How to Help the Newly Bereaved (What to say and do)

10. Surviving Loss by Impaired Driver

11. Surviving Loss by Homicide

12. Grieving for the Living

13. Surviving Loss of a Pregnancy

14. Hello From Heaven

15. Through the Eyes of an Eating Disorder

16. Living with a Brain Injury

17. Shattered

18. Project Cold Case

19. Poetry & Prose and More

20. Through the Eyes of Men

21. Will We Survive?

22. Through the Eyes of DID

23. Color Your Soul Whole

24. Hit by Impaired Driver

25. Impact Statement (due June 28)

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Finding the Sunrise After Loss - Step 3

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Finding the Sunrise After Loss - Step 2

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Finding the Sunrise After Loss - Step 1

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This morning I received an email from The Huffington Post inviting me to publish my letter to grieving U.K. mothers. I'm honored the HuffPost even asked, and I hope my letter reaches the U.K. so the newest members of The Wailing Tent know they aren't alone.

There is tremendous isolation in the grieving process, and the road that lays ahead is unspeakable. Although it's hard to believe now, it is survivable. In the meantime, being surrounded by others who share this journey helps to ease the fear of feeling alone. That's what I want the U.K. mothers to hang on to. XOXO

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Dear U.K. Mothers,

Dear grieving U.K. mothers, Welcome to the sisterhood of the wailing tent. With profound condolences, I know this greeting will soon be forgotten, for your heart and soul have sustained a terrible blow. The shock known as "the fog" will accompany you for some time, greatly impacting your memory. So I offer you this written welcome to refer to when your recollection falters. The wailing tent is an honored place where only mothers with a broken spirit can enter. Admittance is gained not with an ID card bearing your name, but with the profound sorrow freshly etched on your heart. Membership is free, for you have already paid the unfathomable price. The directions to the wailing tent are secret, available only to mothers who speak our language of everlasting grief. No rules are posted, no hours are noted. There is no hierarchy, no governing body. Your membership has no expiration date, it is lifelong. The refuge offered within its walls does not judge members based on age, religious belief, or social status. You can hang your camouflages and mask outside, and if you can't make it past the door, we will surround you with love right where you lay. The wailing tent is a shelter where mothers shed anguished tears among her newfound sisters. A haven where all forms of wailing are honored, understood, and accepted. In the beginning, you will be very afraid, and will hate the wailing tent and everything it stands for. You will flail, thrash about, and spew vile words in protest. You will fight to be free of the walls, wishing desperately to offer a plea bargain for a different tent, learn a different language. Those emotions will last for some time. Your family and friends cannot accompany you here. The needs of the wailing tent are invisible to them and, though they will try, they simply cannot comprehend the language nor fathom the disembodied, guttural howls heard within. In the beginning, your stays here will seem endless. Over time, the need for your visits will change and eventually you will observe some mothers talking, even smiling, rather than wailing. Those are the mothers who have learned to balance profound anguish with moments of peace, though they still need to seek refuge among us from time to time. Do not judge those mothers as callused or strong, for they have endured profound heartache to attain the peace they have found. Their visits here are greatly valued, for their hard earned wisdom offers hope that we too will learn to balance the sadness in our hearts. Lastly, you need not flash your ID card or introduce yourself each time you visit, for we know who you are. You are one of us, an honorary lifelong sister of the wailing tent. Welcome, my wailing sister. Fondly, The Sisterhood of the Wailing Tent

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Joy in a Box

Joy is a gift, and treasured gifts usually come in a box. But can a box hold the gift of joy?

Right now, this very minute while you're reading this post, a very special box is making its way around the country. This isn't any box, nor is it an empty box. It is an extraordinary box that contains 22 books.

But they aren't just any books. They are books about love and loss. Between the covers are stories that contain more questions than answers. And disturbing secrets of the most heinous kind.

This very special box contains books featuring true stories about unsolved crimes. By 22 writers.

But they aren't just any writers. They're mothers and fathers, husbands and wives, sisters and brothers who are writing in heart-wrenching detail that pivotal moment when their very own loved one was kidnapped or murdered—or both.

Over the past few weeks that extraordinary box has been quietly making its way from writer to writer. At each stop, the box is opened, tears are shed, the books are signed and repacked—along with a little piece of each writer's heart—and tenderly handed off to UPS to be delivered to the next address on the list.

This incredible project was set in motion by Ryan Backmann, founder of the nonprofit Project Cold Case in Florida, who took it upon himself to pay for the #TravelingBooks to make their way one stop at a time to all 22 writers who contributed to the book.

The goal? Simply to have all 22 sign each book.

When the box's journey comes to an end back at its starting point, Ryan Backmann will then send one book containing all 22 signatures to each writer as a cherished keepsake.

To watch this box containing stories of love and loss, stories containing more questions than answers and disturbing secrets of the most heinous kind travel the country from writer to writer just so each mother, father, sister, brother, husband and wife can—in the end—hold a book that has been touched by all 22— is an incredible gift they've given each other.

And to me.

When I help people use their voice to bring comfort to others by sharing their own story, they become the balm for someone else's wound, the sun in another’s cloud, the light in someone’s darkness. Not only is that a gift to those in need, it is a gift to me because it fills my heart with joy.

"I received our Grief Diaries: Project Cold Case #TravelingBooks today, and from the moment that I opened the box, I felt like all twenty-two of us were all together in one room. What an amazing feeling of love and strength that overwhelmed me. The contents of the box delivered to me not only signifies the battles we have all been through, and the genuine and undying love we all have for our loved ones, but it signifies a delivery of hope that our stories will be heard near and far and all around the world." -Lisa Sanchez, Michael Sanchez' sister

Yes, joy does indeed come in a box.

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An old dog and a young boy

Two weeks ago today we embarked on a journey that might seem insignificant to others, but taught me a great deal about life and love. It was Saturday afternoon, the day before Easter. The whole family was home when we noticed Capo, our large 9-year-old Maremma sheepdog, suddenly listing to the right and falling when he walked. He was in no obvious pain, but something was clearly wrong. Was he poisoned by a wayward mushroom that popped up overnight? Did he have ear infection-induced dizziness? What was going on? Come Monday morning, testing at the vet concluded a working diagnosis of a stroke. We brought Capo home with medication and hydration to support the storm and began watchful waiting to see if he would pull through.

But at age 9, we were at crossroads. Should we put him down? Or do what we could to save him?

I thought back to when my dear sweet hubby had a stroke nearly five years ago. At age 46, he was quite young and yet his stroke was devastating. Would he pull through? If so, what kind of life did we face? I couldn't help but compare man to dog, and I wondered what kind of message we might send to our 9-year-old grandson, Capo's best friend, if we chose euthanasia (for our dog, not my hubby).

As the damage from the stroke swelled Capo's brain, he lost all ability to walk. He slept round the clock and had no interest in food, so we force fed via oral syringe as a vehicle for medication and to provide energy for his body. We carried his giant size outside and supported him while he urinated. We cared for him, wondering whether it was the right thing to do.

And here was the deciding factor in our story. Just because Capo's role as the family guard dog might be over and he could no longer earn his keep, does that mean his life wasn't worth something?

What about the laughter and joy he brought to our day? And the love he brought to our hearts? What about the BFF he shared with our grandson?

Life can be rough, and as a family we deeply cherished the laughter, joy, and love Capo brought to our world. Wasn't that enough?

Yes. It was enough. As long as Capo wasn't in pain, we would do what we could to sustain him for as long as we could. Because even in his limited state, Capo still filled our hearts with laughter, joy and love. We forged on, caring for this giant dog in the face of an uncertain future.

The first week was rough. The second week brought little daily improvements. Capo surprised us by standing on his own one day. The next, he started drinking water and seemed more alert. Goodbye IV bag. He began walking without falling. And wagged his tail. Goodbye medical harness. Capo showing interest in food. Capo eating on his own! Goodbye oral syringe. Capo walking about with better strength. Capo trotting. Capo barking at a neighborhood noise. Hallelujah!

Two weeks ago we didn't know whether our gentle giant would live, and yet we couldn't put him down just because his life held no seeming value. That first week when we repeatedly questioned whether we were doing the right thing, our hearts reminded us that Capo does hold value in a way that is far more precious than carrying his weight as family guard dog. He brings unconditional love, laughter and joy.

Today marks two weeks from the starting gate of this journey, and Capo is running, eating like a lion, and has resumed his place at the helm of our property (when he's not inside at our feet).

Lesson learned: The value of life is something far beyond a role. It is the ability to give love, laughter and joy. Some might argue that Capo is just a dog, and therefore not comparable to people. But even dogs can teach us lessons. Isn't that worth something?

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Marci lost her 20-year-old brother Michael to suicide in 2014. Read her full story in the award-winning book “Grief Diaries: Surviving Loss by Suicide.”

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkXbfGTHj1A)

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Dying to play social media suicide game “Blue Whale”

"How do people survive this?"

These are the words of a mother whose son died by suicide 15 days ago.

I know, suicide is too sad to talk about. What if I told you there is a shocking new social media game called Blue Whale where participants win by dying?

There is.

The truth is that I debated long and hard about writing this post because there is just nothing uplifting about suicide. But when social media and Facebook Live are being used as a platform to gain fame in brutal ways including suicide, I become guilty by association by turning the other cheek.

So I'm going to talk about it.

Thankfully I'm not alone. Netflix has taken the courageous step of devoting a whole series to the subject. "13 Reasons Why" follows the life of a teen boy who struggles to make sense of a classmate's suicide. Although the series is embroiled in controversy for its graphic scenes, whether you agree or not, Netflix deserves kudos for being brave enough to spend millions on a subject nobody wants to address except by those who find themselves facing the real-life aftermath.

Also, big kudos to my friend and fellow author Chuck Andreas. Chuck shared his poignant story of unexpectedly losing his beloved wife Gloria in 2014 to heart disease in "Grief Diaries: Through the Eyes of Men," including the part where he felt lost, hopeless, and—yes—attempted suicide. Chuck has since turned his pain into purpose by speaking to kids (and adults) about his story with hopes of sparing others from taking the same steps. He's even gone so far to inspire and author "Grief Diaries: I Survived My Suicide Attempt." That takes guts. And yet who better to raise awareness than those who've walked the journey?

When we find ourselves caught between a world who finds suicide too sad to discuss and yet we're up against a social media suicide game that's spreading around the world, what can we do? How do we stop the madness?

We can open the dialogue.

We can talk about it and educate ourselves on how people young and old find themselves in a suicidal spot so we can learn the red flags and take action before they do.

Talk about it. Be brave. Help stop suicide.

And if you know someone who has lost a loved one to suicide, hug them for a really long time. XOXO

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Fear of Rejection

One of the joys of my day is walking alongside people who are either writing for the first time in our books series or writing their own. Like any first-time parent, nerves can easily poke holes in our courage and we drive ourselves batty with questions. Will anybody read it? Will they like it? Criticize it? Laugh at it? When we put ourselves out there in such a public way, it can be very scary.

It suddenly feels like we're the new kid on the playground wondering if anyone will play with us. We feel vulnerable to rejection.

Whether it’s your first or tenth book, treat yourself with respect and remember why you’re writing it in the first place. Some writers merely want to preserve their hard work, and what better way than to publish it in a book? Some enjoy the credibility it brings (even if nobody buys it). Others hope to make the New York Times Bestseller’s list. It’s really important to give yourself grace and remember that writing is very personal, as is your reason for writing, and your goal for authoring. You don’t need to meet someone else’s approval to author a book. Do it for the love of it.

First and foremost, do it for yourself because not everyone will love your book. Taste is wide and varied in the literary world. Some love sci-fi while others indulge in romance. Some prefer self-help and seek comfort while others seek to escape inside someone else’s fantasy.

In short, if it is meaningful to you, then it's worthy. But listen to your heart. If you aren’t sure about moving forward, why pressure yourself? Unlike a pregnancy, there is no timeline. Some books take years before they’re finally in print. If you never move forward, that's okay too. Just don't let nerves about how your book will be perceived stand in your way. Do it for the love of it. In your time.

Lead with your heart, and all will be well. XOXO

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Grief in the Workplace - The Last Frontier?

Kristen Frasch, editor of Human Resource Executive magazine, was at a national conference in Las Vegas when her husband's lifeless body was discovered at home. Because she had used up all the time she was entitled to under the Family and Medical Leave Act caring for her father during his hospice, Kristen was left with her allotted three days of bereavement leave before returning to the demands of her job.

"I had to return to my hotel room, pack my bags, try and sleep, then grab a taxi to the airport the following morning, go through security and sit through almost six hours of flight time before touching down and driving to meet my sons, who were waiting to escort me to the body of the man I would love forever. What’s followed since has been mind-numbing, energy-depleting, sleep-depriving, appetite-suppressing, chest-quaking and nauseating, not to mention sometimes scary.”

Kristen interviewed me last fall for an article in this month's issue of Human Resource Executive. Grief in the workplace remains an uncharted frontier for many employers. I'm honored to have contributed to such an important topic and be cited as the source (see Suggestions for Managers/Co-Workers in the tan box).

A bereaved employee returning to work after loss is an elephant in the room. Creativity and productivity take a hit. Nobody knows what to say, and the employee becomes a person most people tiptoe around.

"In all honesty, many moments were spent staring at a computer screen, remembering what needed doing but asking many more questions about processes and decisions than I had before. Other moments were spent on pure adrenaline, fulfilling all my editorial responsibilities with a determination and directness that probably said to staff and co-workers, “This woman is so strong!” when that was the last thing I was feeling."

Kristen's story opens the dialogue on the uncharted waters of grief in the workplace, and offers ways to support bereaved employees while keeping an eye on office productivity and the well-being of everyone. 

Click here to read the full article.

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Why is grief self-indulgent?

On most mornings for the past 11 years, I've walked with my neighbor Evelyn in a cemetery—land designated as a burial ground for the dead. Some find that morbid or creepy, but I don't. I find it peaceful and serene; a place that affords excellent walking paths. The foliage changes every three months, and over the years we've gained friends along the way.

One of those friends was a lady named Karen. Most mornings Karen and her husband John walked their little dog Teddy in the cemetery. It was wonderful exercise for Teddy, and afforded Karen and John a tranquil time between the two of them in his final days before he died in 2009, the same year we lost our daughter Aly. Two years prior, in 2007, my neighbor Evelyn lost her nephew.

After John died, it became just Karen and Teddy walking in the cemetery. We didn’t see her every morning, but when we did the three of us stood and chatted not about our losses but about life.

Oh, sometimes we chatted about our losses but that's the thing about grief. It’s part of life.

A few months ago Karen died. While on our morning walk earlier this week, Evelyn and I stopped where Karen is laid to rest next to John. We stood there staring at her name etched on the granite and it hit us hard that we'll never again run into Karen on our morning walks. We miss Karen's easy smile and twinkling blue eyes, and her little dog Teddy too, but this is the cycle of life.

Which brings me to my question. If death, loss and grief have been around since the beginning of time, when did it become a topic so full of taboo? Public displays of mourning were once considered dutiful, respectful and a sign of good character.

Now it’s considered self-indulgent and impolite, for we must spare others our suffering.

When did that happen? And, in your opinion, why?