lyokoko

[lyokoko]

Today I made up my mind to stop being so embarrassed about being into astrology and to fully indulge myself in it and actually learn it proudly.

I hate people who make others feel ashamed for liking things.

I always loved the moon and spent a lot of time stargazing as a child. Also I would make potions when I was younger also had my sister make voodoo dolls with me because I was lowkey a little witch.

Time for some fun stuff like ordering a deck of tarot cards, and buying pretty crystals and herbs.

I wish I had friends who were into astrology so I can learn stuff with.

[lyokoko]

My mood is drastically worse when I’m not otp with my boyfriend for long periods of time aka even 12 hrs???

I became too dependent.

[lyokoko]

Some of my favorite crysrals are pink botswana agate, celestite, and spirit quartz.

[lyokoko]

I actually seen so many sun rises over this quarantine and it’s nice. The only time I use to see then was when I had to wake up early for school and to think that I had so many photos of the sky on my phone back then.

Also every once in a while I would wake up an hour or so before sunset and walk down to my kitchen and everything would be this blueish hue and it would just fell like a different world or dimension. When things feel otherworldly I always think about parallel dimensions.

[lyokoko]

One of my favorite things to do with my boyfriend is going to pastry shops, or any place with good dessert, tea, cake, donuts. Bonus points if the interior is cute.

[lyokoko]

I actually don’t care for weddings for myself. I love going to them and celebrating other people’s love, but for myself? It’s not that high on my list. Sometimes I do think about it and who will be at them playing what roles, or what food will be served. I feel like if I do have one it will be a very small and intimate wedding but in a ethereal and romantic location, not necessarily a destination wedding.

Of course I want to be married to my partner but I guess the thought that puts me off is having a lot of attention on me, and that creates the pressure of being a really good host for everyone and that’s like too much for me.

That’s why the thought of eloping doesn’t sound too bad to me either. Then for sure it could be a destination wedding.

[lyokoko]

I wish I could just shut off my mind. Too many nonstop thoughts piling over each other. Always spreading myself to thin. Defiantly one of those people that think too much and don’t do enough. I often feel like my thoughts overwhelm me to the point where I’m exhausted. It’s so paralyzing.

[lyokoko]

March 21st, 2020

Animal crossing came out and I’ll so happy about it. I get to play with my best friend and boyfriend. What more can I ask for! It actually makes me really happy inside. The graphics look really good too, I didn’t like it at first but then I got use to the style from seeing it so much, so when I went in game it just all looked really good. I just really hope Brewster and Zuckers are in the game. My favorite villager is Dotty but she’s always in the games so I don’t have to worry about her.

[lyokoko]

March 17th, 2020

Literally I have been watching love island all day and it’s actually so addicting and everything is straight to the point like its a reality tv show where the producers just know what the viewers want all the drama, all the tea, and cute moments of the couples. It does make me miss my bubba. Just seeing all these cute couple stuff and not being able to have it.

Something I truly appreciate is how we just laugh together at the stupidest thing. Like I remember laying on the phone and cracking up over a photo of a dog the way he lied down was so human like and how dead he looked like tired and just completely given up and somehow we turned that into a inside joke. Now whenever I see that photo I’m so fond of it. Literally spent way too much time laughing at that photo that’s for sure but something I really cherish is that has never left us, laughing at the stillest things and the best part is that they’re not even jokes we are laughing at. It’s actually things that make no absolute sense. And I’ll genuinely be laughing so hard. Sometimes it will just be a look or even a laugh and I’ll be gone. Literally if he just kept eye contact with me and laughed I’ll be laughing too without knowing any context or nothing. And if someone else was to watch us or listen in on us they literally would think we’re talking in alien. A private language of some sort. Another thing is it’s just things we can’t even explain to another person either. Even if we wanted someone else to understand and laugh with us it will just make no sense or it won’t be funny to them. And that’s the charm to it.

[lyokoko]

March 16th, 2020

I’m flying back to salt lake right now. The past three weeks were such a beautiful time in my life because I got to be with the love of my life for the second time in Philadelphia. It’s a crazy experience to go from one place and flying to a completely environment. I grow a lot of attachments and love for the place each time I visit, and the best part of it is seeing my boyfriend, the one I’m most attached too. There’s so much I will miss. Silly things like the yoshi and minecraft noise, heart signs, and eating way too much flan. Our 4am late night walk adventures to dunken donuts and the crackhead energy of that overly filled cream cheese bagel. Sharing all our meals together and eating until we’re on the brink of fullness, and still wanting more food after. Tuning into our animes together and getting disappointed when an episode ends too early or on a cliffhanger. Showering together and doing stupid things like getting stuck in the tub because we decided to lay down and cuddle mid shower. Wrestling each other and him actually body slamming me on the other hand I put him into choke holds. Walking around the at night and seeing the twinkling city lights around us as well as a beautiful violin performance. Being such a champ in bowling and eating all the ice cream. Tweezing out his facial hair and watching him shave. Our endless amount of cuddles. Seeing basically all of his family this time around and the kitties too. Getting all the cuddles and all the kisses. Waking up in the morning with him next to me. I’m going to miss it all. It was so much fun being here. I feel like such a lucky girl to be with this beautiful boy who I adore and love so much and can call my best friend and lover. Just being with him makes me feel like things will be alright, and if they aren’t alright we’ll figure out a way to make it better than alright. I want to create a beautiful life together and enjoy this the time we have with one another. One that’s worth living for.

There were a few hiccups along the way this trip. Sucky things like my endless period of actual period and spotting. Me probably being way too emotional and crying and miscommunications. I can’t help it though I feel sad when things don’t work as expected in my head or the times where I want him to just try harder or differently but instead it turns into something else where I feel hopelessness instead. Especially when we said we would keep things healthy, I always keep it in mind and do my best to do so but there are times where I don’t know how to handle things. I am grateful that he opens up to me though and answers me when I ask him. We just need to work on the aftermath of having a conversation about the problem and coming to a conclusion where we are both feeling better by the end of it because if he feels bad then I feel bad and we both end up in the dumps and we stop talking and just forget about it but in reality it isn’t forgotten but just brushed aside which is bad for us both. I really do feel like an outsider when it happens. Like I shouldn’t be there or that he doesn’t want me anymore and then my chest feels heavy. I’m not sure about what insecurities he has with me or what doubts but I want to ease them and make him not second guess my love for him. Even when these disagreements come up it doesn’t take away from the relationship if we both are willing to better ourselves for one another and do better the next time.

We seriously ate so much this time. First off hotpot at home, green eggs cafe with their delicious salted caramel banana chip French toast, along with salmon love nox egg benedict, his dads sour soup this time filled with beef tongue and pork, sushi, dim sum, fried chicken at home with your dads fish sauce, our crispy jellies, oh and I almost forgot about us adding the truffle hot sauce in everything lol! Our home made banh xeo, cheesesteaks, huge supply of flan, dunken donut runs, banh mi, egg rolls, salty tofu, pastries, insomnia cookies, pho, beef, clay pot fish, bagel with way too much cream cheese on it, iced matcha, vanilla coffee he gets, all those taro drinks for him and delicious oolong milk tea for me, oh and I can’t forget emergen-c! We kinda be eating though, at crazy hours sometimes too. I’m so lucky to have a boyfriend that knows how to cook. My baby is a chef though! It’s honestly so attractive and I appreciate all his cooking he does. We started off sleeping at normal hours and by the end of my stay there it became completely flipped around. Staying awake all night till 5am or later and sleeping all day.

I’m sad that I have to go back to reality and have less time to spend with my boyfriend and going back to our different time zones. I’ll work on myself more in the meantime. And we’ll focus on other parts of our relationship and communicating. We’ll text each other, FaceTime calls, play animal crossing and continue to watch animes together. LDR starts again starting now. I’m super excited for animal crossing especially! I’m pretty sure we’re going to have a to create a discord server for it and I think my boyfriend is going to stream it too.

[lyokoko]

February 20th, 2020

I use to take a lot of walks the first time I got cheated on. Around the neighborhood and to the elementary school field. Some days neighborhood friends would find me and join. Being inside made me feel so suffocated and outside the air was cold so each time I took a deep breath in I would be able to feel anything different than how I was feeling. Being out in the open made me feel smaller and less significant, also minimizing my problems. Often times my walks lasted way past sundown, and if you walk all the way to the edge of the field you could see the twinkling city. I’m not sure if it was actually a city, probably not but it looked like it from a distance. Eventually my grandma stopped letting me walk so late at night unless I had my childhood friend with me, and sometimes I just needed that solitude.

But why is it that the cheaters I’ve been with made me feel bad for them? As if it wasn’t their choice to be in a relationship with me, and they all hide their past from me. Pretend they have nothing still going on, and tell me they feel like I’m too good for them. So then step up and do better or the other option is to give up on me. Except I’m too good to leave, but at the same time not enough to stay. Then what happens is a prolonged relationship where they try to get me to break up with them, but I’m in love so I won’t, things get worse, and I grow more stubborn. See, love isn’t always going to be what’s good for you, sometimes it is more of what you are familiar with.

[lyokoko]

February 19th, 2020

I’m grateful for

1. Having things to look forward to. The upcoming trips I have to Philly and Asia makes me excited to live out this year. An online shop starting this year. Seeing Darrin, and seeing my grandma. Really important people in my life. I just want to spend more quality time with people I value, and just making more things happen and experiencing more.

2. The people I have in my life. Darrin, Nhi, Kwang, and even Linda. Highly supportive people, which are the kind of people I want in my life. I just want to believe in myself more and having people believe in me helps. So hopefully it helps me form who I want to become as a person.

3. The way Darrin works with me. Anything that bad that happens he’ll always have us work around it and tells me it’s okay. It actually means a lot because it puts my mind at ease. Doesn’t mean we aren’t bummed about things but it makes it better. I like that I have the freedom to do anything I want, and he even encourages me to do so. That way I don’t feel restricted in anyway to grow in the ways I need.

4. His hoodie, even though it lost most of it’s scent. I miss him, and having it just makes me feel closer to him.

5. Long hot showers. Honestly. It’s one of the most effective destressors I have.

[lyokoko]

February 8th, 2020

Word vomit.

I’m just going to write anything that comes to mind.

I miss you a lot. You’re at work right now and I’m just here patiently waiting for you. But at the same time I’m just doing my own thing and relaxing. Watching YouTube videos. Listening to music. Looking at art. I found a cool artist today, beksinski. His art is eerie, surreal, creepy, contains morphed human bodies, has interesting landscapes and paints an entire feeling of this dark emotion. Anyway I enjoy his works.

I understand what writers mean by having writers block and I’m not even a writer. I’m really just going to write down whatever. Just to write.

Mainly my thoughts are based around you. I wonder if you ever worry about me going back to my ex. Or have I done my job well enough and showed you how devoted I am to you. Because truly my head has been ninety percent you and ten percent him. And that ten percent usually aren’t good thoughts, more like sadness, nostalgia, rage, and hurt. Of course there’s still plenty of strings and attachments I still can’t cut off, I mean I did spend my last five or six years with him. His family for instance. I’m quite close with his sister, Linda. We don’t ever talk about him, and she doesn’t ask about my current relationship either.

Unlike Jay who always asks me how I feel about Steven and gossiping about him and how are things going with Darrin. I’m not really sure what’s her motive anymore. Most likely to keep tabs on me, but then again she hates Steven at the moment. So maybe she just wants me back at her shop. If I really think about it she’s a huge gossiper and has made many lies or false claims about me. Telling other people how stuck up I am and how I think highly of myself and how I think I’m so smart even before knowing me. Apparently she’s told other people about my sex life? As if she knows anything about it? She keeps trying to meet with me when I get back and constantly pressures me to send a selfie of me and Darrin together. Feels bad because at the same time she showed me how much she cares for me and has invited me to eat out with her plenty of times, always wants to hangout and offers me food. Sigh. What is up with people and winning me over by food? And why does it work so well? Anyways. Might be time to cut her off soon. She seems to be manipulative and I’ve seen red flags of how she treats other people already too.

I’ve been really happy during my time here in Philadelphia. Every time I think of Darrin I just think of the word endearment. Something about him makes me really attracted to him. It’s a bit overwhelming actually being asked why I love him, or what made me fall in love with him. I don’t know. I just do, it’s everything combined together. I just do, and I know it for a fact. I feel so good around him and with him, I feel good talking to him. It’s a feeling I have and I don’t know how to explain it. He’s so comforting to me now, there’s a sense of security and ease. When he holds his arms around me I feel comforted, even his touch I feel reassured. When he’s laying his head on me and I’m the one holding him instead I feel very equal with him. It’s like saying I’m here for you too. You can lean on me as well. I’m here to protect you too. You don’t have to fear being hurt or manipulated with me. Cause all I’ve been thinking is how I can devote myself more to you.

I know how badly you want me to open up to you and I want to. More than I already have but at the same time I need the same thing from you for me to open up even more. I want you to just tell me about things or memories and anything that holds a lot of meaning to you without me having to ask. Past pains or experiences that makes you operate the way you do. What makes you motivated what you have passions for and what drives you to live. What you really crave for in relationships, what kind of people you want in your life, or who you appreciate and all the important people your life and why. I want to know all the things you’re fearful of. And of all the things you have love for. I want you to come to me when you’re sad or have any hesitations. I want to be here for you and protect you, to provide a safe and healing place as you do for me. Because I really do love you and feel a great intimacy for, I want to build more of that and have more of those moments. I want to know more about you because I’m just as curious but I’m not sure how to ask either.

I just hope that you don’t grow distant towards me either. Because then I’ll feel like you’re not interested in me. That’s one of the things that scares me. I’m easily defeated in that sense. Like I need constant reassurance, and if I feel that lost in interest I’d become very disheartened. Even if you act distant with me for a split second I’ll feel that way.

And I’m not leaning on you to be my other half either. I’m working on myself to be fully full. Knowing very well that I can’t depend on you to make me happy. Just happier. That I can be independent and be fully happy and capable on my own. Not finding my happiness in you but with you. That I can word towards being someone who is worth being with, someone that actually deserves you.

I feel a huge physical attraction towards you too. I always want to push my body against yours and feel your skin. Please you in all the ways I can and hear your voice. I can stare at you, and stare at you and still not get enough of staring at your face. Your lovely deepest eyes, my favorite feature on you.

I just love you a lot and I don’t know if you still feel that you love me more, but I’m here to tell you that you don’t. And I love you just as much if not more if you want to make it that way.

[lyokoko]

February 6th, 2020

It’s so nice getting to spend all this time with you. You’re so real now. I get to see your face in all different types of angles. I get to see all the different facial expressions you make, some I wish I could capture in a photo but for now I just have try my best to hold onto the memory.

Some of these moments now I wonder if I’ll ever have flashbacks to in the future. You never know with memory. It could be the most mundane moment but your subconscious chooses to go over it and replay the scene at random moments.

Nostalgia is also a funny thing. Usually it’s the good memories your mind chooses to keep. Some things you weren’t fond of before suddenly you’ve grown an attachment to. Like my mentos candy. It’s not like the candy itself is amazing, but when I eat it I think about the little girl who was in Vietnam surrounded by coconut trees, so carefree. Looking for Coca-Cola soda to try her mento experiment in. It takes me back to that place when times were simple.

But I promise I’ll treasure my time here with you. It’s been going by so fast and I just want to know more and more about you. I’ve already learned so much just by being here and seeing how you live. Seeing the way you treat me, the way you treat other people. Everything we do since the start is so organic. We’re still learning about each other and we’ve known each other for years now, that’s the crazy part. We’re learning the best way to communicate to one another, learning each others love languages, learning what makes the other person feel good, merging our two worlds together.

[lyokoko]

I need someone I can enjoy meals with. Someone who makes food taste even better just by eating together. Someone who I think about when I eat something delicious and want to bring some home for them. That’s love. When you can comfortably enjoy meals with someone.

So when someone makes you lose your appetite it’s quite rude and disrespectful.

[lyokoko]

Being noticed is nice. Being given attention is nice. But just because someone noticed you doesn’t mean they care for you. They care for you when they notice the things that you notice. When they take interest in the things you like.

[lyokoko]

Obsessive. Become more obsessed with me. I’m yours. Devour me in anyway you can just to get closer to me. Smother me with love until I’m suffocated. Let me know over and over how much love you have for me. Consistently force it in my head, because I’m someone who believes I don’t deserve love.