madaaamr

[madaaamr]

The urge to cry

The shortness of breath

The snapped fingers

The loss of momentum

The pause in time

The brink of tears

The closed pharynx

The sharpness of words

The cruelty of reality

The lapse of faith

The wall of shame

The moment of mute

The choice to leave

The decision not to

The change of heart

The sleep of the tired

The dream of waterfalls

The dry stream in the corners

The disappointment of self

The circle of endless

The urge to cry

spontaneous poem

For people who had been disappointed by life. For people who yearn, pray, wish, fight, crawl for a better future but are beaten down by life, by what-ever-the-hell happens. For people who can't cry even if they really want to. For the people who won't scream because their voices have been lost, sucked by the disenchanted life.

Midnight of 12th August, 2025.

[madaaamr]

why do we yearn for something that we can’t even gasp why do longing feelings exist at all why do we hope and wish and wait why do unanswered prayers and disappointment stand in the same line why do we want why do we even have an appetite for anything why lust lingers in our hearts and eyes and skins why can we just live why don't we just be a being why do we need the human part if what's left are sorrow and regret why do we keep on craving when desire turns into mystery, mortifying the living shit out of us

why why why

[madaaamr]

dreamless sleep time leap spinning and spinning into the void eyes shut, forced, blinking unconsciously under the closed lids heartbeat raced, trying to count bit by bit hoping it would calm down a bit

dreamless sleep endless pit dark rectangular eating my hip quick sand would never compete teeth grin behind shut lips falling and falling into the night lit i cant feel my feet

dreamless sleep ambiguous grit spontaneous gift void getting big bigger and bigger and want to eat my rentless soul slips my restless self reaped by dark desire, dark matter, and whatever shits

why do i keep the only piece that reminds me of endless melancholy and low spirits every night I tried to sleep only to be trapped in a dreamless sleep where I am spinning and falling into an endless pit eaten alive by the void full of ambiguous grit try to get rid of the time leap

spontaneous poem

[madaaamr]

chill, im not in love, im just ✨delusional✨

and that is the proof that I would drop anything to run away with u

and that is the symbol, the epitome, of trust I have in u

and that is the realization that I would leave the warmth of home, leave everything behind just for u

and that is what my heart confirms, that I would blow up the world if I had to, to be with u

I just woke up with a very weird but sweet dream, I wonder if that's the case on the other end. I just want to leave this short writing as a reminder of those moments in my sleep.

[madaaamr]

and that is the proof that I would drop anything to run away with u

and that is the symbol, the epitome, of trust I have in u

and that is the realization that I would leave the warmth of home, leave everything behind just for u

and that is what my heart confirms, that I would blow up the world if I had to, to be with u

I just woke up with a very weird but sweet dream, I wonder if that's the case on the other end. I just want to leave this short writing as a reminder of those moments in my sleep.

[madaaamr]

how to be pink and happy

smiles won't be enough

laughter won't fight the black sipping through the bark

jumping around won't deceive the heavy steps

silly jokes won't cover the shadows under the irises

how to be positive and radiance

spreading the good in life

gleaming with lights everywhere

although the dark matter is still there behind the blinding lights

although the black hole is ready to suck all of the colors

how to enjoy life

how to enjoy every moment

the green comfort embraces the browning pink

the blue burns the wilted flowers

the heat tears up the petals, one by one by one

how to stay satisfied

how to be thankful

when the fragrance of cherry is just a cover for the sour smell of sadness

when the sprouting buds keep on pushing the life out of a stalk of flower

when a new day is a new promise of the upcoming death

as if the countdown keeps on counting by the rising of the sun

how to be bright and full of love

when hate is all around

and the city lights keep on taking the youth of the flushed rose

and numb and hollow people keep on wishing under the branch

of a very short spring

pouring their hurt and heartbreak into the air

taking away the beautiful sakuras into their memory and replacing them with regrets

so, how to be content

Spontaneous poem

-mad

05/07/2025

[madaaamr]

i am me, despite the effort

more time spent yearning than living,

more rhymes written than miles driven;

more tears cried than laughter heard,

more pain felt than joy in this herd.

longer do i agonize than i ever feel pleasure or bliss,

one thing certain, though, is how often and abundantly i miss.

clear to me, my most frequent activity is yearning.

my soul, it flames in dreams and hopes so brightly burning.

i am not soft, nor sweet, nor loved,

instead i obsess and spin myself into duress;

all systems warning, flashing red and alarming,

this plane is going down, and there is no oxygen masks.

i hear those words telling me not to wish i wasn't me,

so badly my brain wishes to throw that label into the trash;

what is so well and good about me?

i cannot seem to understand what is so worth cherishing.

[madaaamr]

In the darkless night of summer

Our souls intertwined

Warm air whispers

Slow breathes

Oxeye daisies around

Bare feet embraced by the green grass

On the blue night of summer

Silences take the lead

Our hearts take the heat

Stare blankly at the moonless sky

Secret wishes of endless nights

In the break of dawn

Hold onto each other awes

Reach for the soul behind the solid figures

Search for the lights behind the eyes

Smile in the hope of a new daylight

Quiet

Serene

Under the crimson sunlight

Contemplate the past lives

Imagine seasons ahead

Live in the moment under the shimmering light

Be friends with the dew on the Lady’s Mantle

Under the warmth of the first light

Just two pairs of wondering eyes

Just two lonely souls

Look for connections

Long for another present around ourselves

Search for compassion and tenderness of hearts

Try to manifest a better future

We are just—

-mad

Spontaneous poem

I want to lie down on the grass under the sun aaaaaarrrggghhh I miss the warm summer of Stockholm

Midnight, 2nd of July, 2025

[madaaamr]

[madaaamr]

[madaaamr]

places places places all the places ive been before some left deep marks, some just wiped right through my system

the fragrant the people the sun's rays lit the blue sky the water, the shimmer above the water the hot wind gazed at my cheeks

places places places thousands of steps around the old town thousands of steps, complain, and sweat thousands of steps and big smiles watched big churches and cathedrals all the people walked around ice cream and churros in hands

places places places will i ever be will i ever can will I ever move from the buzzing streets of Stockholm surprised by how many people are people who stayed inside the whole year and only came out in summer under the sun

places places places am i ready to leave this fragrance of rapsolja flowers am I ready to leave the forest around my place am I ready to leave the refreshing lake behind the forest

places places places

[madaaamr]

all my life ive tried and tried to understand others' feelings to act accordingly, avoid anything that could hurt them even if I had to sacrifice my own feelings or my own desires

i understand that somebody needs space that I should never bother them otherwise I will annoy them and I will always tell myself that this annoying ass bitch need to shut the fck up

i understand that i need to do more things because the others are going through a lot otherwise I will burden them and make them feel bad and I will always tell myself that this freaking bitch need to mind her own business

i understand that others have hurdles and struggles too so I kept my mouth shut deal with my own neediness and tell myself that this needy ass bitch need to be fckg independent

then they saw me as a distant person with less to no emotion no empathy whatsoever

so what if i cried on my way home on my foot, in the forest while nobody's watching what if I cried on the sidewalk with the sounds of cars and honks while nobody cares what if I cried my heart out on the stone overlooking the lake with a beautiful sunset before me what if I cried and cried all day all night in my room with nobody to see or hear

i understand others' feelings so what if I feel these feelings too is it inconsiderate of me am I selfish because I feel this way am I wrong for feeling

am i?

[madaaamr]

What if I'm in love with the possibility of u

I'm devoted to the version of u that I've created

I'm stuck in the eye of a hurricane because of my imagination of u

All versions of u I've been dreaming of

Future I will have with the u in my head

The meaning behind every smiles, laughs, even slight stares I've curated in my mind

Should I just write fiction

With u as my main character

And I will be the final girl

I will have all the narration completed from the day I met u

Til the death part me from u

And all the hope of that “u” in u

Build up and up and up

Although I kept on realizing that all of it was bullshit I'd made to entertain myself

Although the real u kept reminding me that I was hallucinating

What if there is a light chance, a slight possibility

Of fantasy of u to happen

Well I doubt that

U are not perfect

I am not perfect

U and I will be the perfect disaster

When I realize that u are not “u”

When u realize that I am loving someone else in the spitting image of u

U and I will vaporize as soon as the morning dew in the summer

Once u and I understand the concepts of delusion, imagination, hallucination, daydreaming, and false hope

Still, here I am, yearning for the vision of u

The u that will never be there

Midnight, between the 31st of May and the 1st of June

-mad

[madaaamr]

Aku dan aku aku

Aku dan imajinasiku

Aku dan lunglai lemah tubuhku

Aku dan kenihilan inginku

Aku dan keabstainan ambisiku

Aku dan setumpuk kebingunganku

Aku dan kesendirianku

Aku dan kemandirianku

Aku dan selalu aku

Aku dan keterpurukanku

Aku dan hari kelabuku

Aku dan sepi jiwaku

Aku dan terbang pikirku

Aku dan rapuh emosiku

Aku dan tak tersampaikannya empatiku

Aku dan lelah ragaku

Aku dan tipu daya kelabui diriku

Aku dan tipu muslihat otakku

Aku dan maunya hatiku

Aku dan aku dan aku

[madaaamr]

In the hurts of period pain

I wonder why don't just God kill me rather than constantly give this pain

In the hurts of period pain

My head pushes my guts down not to get me with the red on my pants

In the hurts of period pain

My mind keeps my hands calm, trying not to punch every guy who said women never felt the circumcise pain

In the hurts of period pain

I am not trying to compare one hurdle to another, but I am trying so hard not to think about dying

In the hurts of period pain

Give me a fucking break

[madaaamr]

I noticed

that the sky became more blue

the perfect blue

the kind that reminds you that happy days wait for you

the clouds were lovely white

not the kind that is blinding but the kind that pops out of the old window screen

like stroked out of canvas

the greens were aglow

pleased not only the eyes but also the soul

the kind that you don't want to step on or roll on

but the kind that makes you wonder

I noticed

the lump in my chest lifted

my heart lighted up

smiles showed up easily

just like if they waited in the corner

laughter—blew, often

my senses became sharper but duller at the same time

like how easily I noticed the colors, yet less aware I was of other people around

and my wishes divided

by the mini-war between my head and my heart

by the uncertainties that awaited patiently

limiting the joy that I felt

restricting the hope that I built

protecting the brittle soul underneath

I noticed

life became simpler, yet more complicated

days brighter, yet dangerous sounds played loud

warmth embraced, just as the cold queued

whenever I'm around u

Midnight 09052025

[madaaamr]

Dear Lord

Dear Lord

The savior of mankind

Save my savory soul

Save my tasteless heart

Save my pounding head

From satan —maybe

But mostly from myself

Ramadhan, 24/03/2025