madamdamage-blog

[madamdamage-blog]

Today is a bad day...

I feel so alone. Utterly alone. I have no friends. I know people say that alot but I literally have no one. I'm sure my family would be better off without me. I relapsed and cut again. I feel no regrets. I just want to die.

[madamdamage-blog]

Today is a good day ♡

I woke up in a good mood. I ate breakfast, which sounds normal but for me it's progress. I've done 3 loads of laundry. Today is a good day.

I took a shower. I brushed my teeth. I got dressed. Today is a good day.

Maybe if I say it enough it will continue to be a good day. It's Friday. My husband has the weekend off. My son wants to stay home. Maybe, just maybe the depression will let me have some joy.

[madamdamage-blog]

Weekend update♡

I've had a pretty decent weekend. Finally got to spend time with my sister and nephews that I have missed terribly. Got some color back in my life with blue and purple hair as well.

Yesterday was rough. I woke up with suicidal thoughts. I told my husband because I've realized that even if I don't want it, I need his help. He does what he can. Our relationship is rocky and it's because of my depression and how it affects all of us. But day by day it gets stronger and I'm so thankful for that. We went and got brunch to get me out of the house and then came home for some relaxation.

You never realize how medication messes with your body. The meds I take for my depression react with the meds I take for Trigeminal Neuralgia which is a chronic nerve pain disease. They both make me sleepy so I've been taking random naps throughout the day.

I'm not only battling depression. I'm battling with TN(Trigeminal Neuralgia) as well and damn it's tough. My TN affects the right side of my face and head. The only way I can describe it is it feels like the worst migraine you've ever had along with feeling like someone has an ice pick and is repeatedly stabbing me in the eye and ear and it feels like all of the teeth on the right side are infected and swollen. That doesn't even give the pain justice because it's way worse than that.

Today, my depression isn't as bad. It's a fairly good day. When I say that I mean I've eaten today and taken a shower. Hell I even put on a bit of makeup.

My TN today is horrible and I don't know how I'm still functioning. It's been raining on and off and it always affects my TN.

My son is home with me and that's amazing. He's been down recently because of me and it breaks my heart. How does a 12 year old comprehend that their mother is suicidal? It's hard. I know it is.

I'm determined to make today an ok day. I refuse to stay in bed all day. I'm hurting and sad but I have to be strong for my son.

[madamdamage-blog]

Suicidal Morning

I woke up this morning wanting to die. To be rid of this pain I know oh so well, but don't know where it comes from. This agony. This dreadful feeling that everything in the world is shit. EVERY THING. But I won't do it.

My son needs me. He's already lost one mother, he doesn't deserve to lose another. My husband needs me. He's already lost one wife, he doesn't deserve to lose another.

No matter how shitty I feel as a person. No matter how worthless I feel. No matter how ugly and fat I feel. No matter how much pain I am in i have to stay strong.

A year ago everything was different. I was normal. Well, as normal as a person with depression can be. I was a functioning adult. I had been clean from self harm for years. It all came tumbling down tho.

This is the hardest part of depression for me. The feeling of wanting to die thinking it would make things 100% better for everyone in my life but knowing at the same time it's not going to make anything better. This is one of the better suicidal days I have because I can't think somewhat clearly. Atleast for now.

This is the part of depression people don't talk about. They don't want to see what it really does to a person. I haven't showered since Monday. There are dishes piled up in my kitchen that need to be done. Laundry that needs to be put away. Yet, here I am in bed with these horrible thought and yearning to end it all. No one talks about this for fear of being judged. I don't care anymore. Judge me. What have I got to lose at this point?

I'm trying my fucking best to stay positive through all of this. There's a voice in my head that I know is depression telling me all of these horrible things and it won't stop.

This is my depression. This is my life. My beautiful, tragic, heartbreaking life.

[madamdamage-blog]

Intro to me

This is my first blog. Ever. I'm using this as an outlet. I don't know if anyone will read this or if anyone even cares. So here goes.

I've had depression for as long as I can remember. It's always been off and on as depression usually is with treatment involved. I have good days and bad. Recently, it's been more bad than good but beggars can't be choosers right? I have a good life. A great life in fact. I have a loving family. An amazing husband and son. Life is pretty great. Then comes depression tearing me apart on the inside. This is my life. Daily.

People that don't have depression don't understand as well. They think you can just think happy thoughts and BAM you're cured. Not how it works unfortunately. I wish.

When I say I have depression, I don't mean I have days where I'm sad and don't feel like doing anything. I'm talking about raw, unfiltered depression. The kind of depression that makes you feel worthless and stupid. The kind that makes you think everyone hates you. The kind that tells you you'll never amount to anything. The kind that makes me want to kill myself on a daily basis. That's the depression I have.

Living with it is hard. It's hard to see my family not know what to do when they see cuts all over my arms and legs. It's hard trying to explain to my son that I can't get out of bed today because I'm sick. It's hard after I've thought about suicide all fucking day and hearing my husband's voice on the phone is the only thing that made me stop in my tracks and put the knife down. It's hard.

So this is my life. My wonderful, terrible, but beautiful life with depression. This is me.