maddiephobic - Tumblr blog

[maddiephobic]

ouch

Yeah no I don’t even think about him once a month ( actually I do. I think about him every single day. I dream of him. I dream that everything is fine and I can once again hold him and protect him from how cruel the world is and how tragic it has been to him. I miss holding him the most I think. Because I felt like I was actually protecting him and I felt like I could be a shelter. I felt like I finally belonged somewhere. Like I was actually fine for once. I was at peace whenever he’d even look at me. Let alone flash me that heart shaking smile of his. I don’t just miss him. My heart literally aches for him every single second of the day. Half a second even. I don’t know how it feels to not to miss him anymore. I don’t know how to stop missing him. I don’t know how to not love him. I don’t know how it feels to be able to look at his face without crying. Because he’s so beautiful. He’s maybe the most beautiful person on the world in my eyes. He looks like art. Maybe more than art even)

[maddiephobic]

If god is real where is he now?

I hope that they take my beating heart directly out of my loose chest,

that they use aggression and force to help them be victorious,

just like how the living had done.

And that every nail on my body be chopped off with a shiny kitchen knife,

slow and steady, because thats what wins the race right?

Wrong.

I want them to take their sweet time

and really envelop the blood coming out of my weakend fingers.

Maybe pick every eyelash off one by one,

and keep it in a jar for the next person to admire,

because only my beauty shall be admired,

not my daughting personality and dead eyes that shall not be seen.

especially in between my fake bubbly aura and lightened personality.

Thank goodness nobody can read between the lines of my shaky hands and my soul reaping eye bags.

Although I had always hoped It’d be gentle,

as they took my memory filled brain,

and lay me down softly and whisper little lullabies to me,

as the pat me down, getting ready for my neverending sleep,

we all know thats not how God works.

The all-seeing, perfection of the world.

A Holy being named God just decided that everything goes the way it goes.

But then why?

Why would YOU, the perfect being,

let them scoop out my heart

my red, beating heart,

and let them use it for their advantage?

How do you expect me to believe that theres someone out there that gives an explanation for everything,

if you can’t even let me be worth more then a chess piece in everyone else’s story.

So please, “God”.

Let them take my rotting corpse,

and use it for their experiments,

let them declaw me like a ravage cat,

and put a muzzle on me to shut me out.

Let them pull my body parts out of their place because

Why would I deserve more then to be thrown around like a puppet ready to perform!

Let them rip out my ears because forget learning when I could be making food for someone who doesn’t even know my favorite color,

Let them tape my mouth,

Let my dear opinions rot and discingrate,

just like they let my spark die.

Let them use me for their show once again,

so atleast in the end they were entertained.

-Madison (by me, maddiephobic <3)

Also I’m aware this is very free verse i just wanted to show a draft ig, dont be rude!!!

[maddiephobic]

ME OMGGG